Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are men wired differently or is this a BS excuse

141 replies

37KAT · 10/04/2018 07:49

So, I get annoyed with DH that he doesn't notice the mound of recycling waiting to go outside, the washing on the line that needs to come in, dishwasher that is full, things that need putting away... need I go on..? I admit, I ignore it for a while then lose the plot a bit telling him how he does little to help. He will then do jobs.
He accuses me of nagging and the cheeky bugger said if I just "asked nicely" he would willingly do these things. I say I shouldn't have to ask, it's his home too and is he happy living in mess. We both work although me less hours.

We had a conversation about it and he was deadly serious and explained that he will do things in his own time, men aren't programmed to notice one empty tin can on the side waiting to be put in the recycling, can multi task etc. I wonder if there is anything in our genetic make up. I know some men who are very involved in household tasks, but the majority I know seem like my DH.
Is this an excuse and anyone could change their behaviour if they wanted to? It is one of the biggest issues to cause friction at home.
AIBU to think this is BS?

OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 10/04/2018 07:52

I don't know notice these things my DH does. We're not designed that way, we are programmed that way.

Hope that helps

PuntasticUsername · 10/04/2018 07:53

It's a bullshit excuse. He could do it, he just doesn't want to, he prefers to blame you for not 'asking him nicely' enough.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 10/04/2018 07:53

My husband genuinely doesn't see these things, but will happily do them if asked to

Original poster
37KAT · 10/04/2018 07:53

Typo.* * can't multi task

OP posts:
AlistairAppletonssexyscarf · 10/04/2018 07:54

Complete BS. My DH notices all those things and acts on them. Less so the need to clean a loo but none of us is perfect.

BarbarianMum · 10/04/2018 07:54

Agree with the above poster. Men are wired differently but that's nothing to do with it. The difference is that you've been trained by society to notice these things (cos the house is "your" job) and he hasn't.

Original poster
37KAT · 10/04/2018 07:55

FAULTYMAIN5

Interesting point

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 10/04/2018 07:55

He's making excuses. He doesn't want to notice things need done, which is totally different.

My husband is definitely a man and has never had any trouble noticing that the bins need emptied/recycling needs sorted/a load of washing needs to go in the machine etc. Neither has my brother, any of my brothers in law, or any of my friends husbands.

Joey7t8 · 10/04/2018 07:56

Men and women are different. Men across the world haven’t got together in secret to decide to pretend to not be so good at doing certain stuff to piss women off.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/04/2018 07:57

Bullshit. He’s just been raised to believe these things are below him and that it’s your job.

It’s a child’s point of view. A child who has never been taught properly.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 10/04/2018 07:58

BS. He just thinks (possibly subconsciously, if you want to be generous) that such trivial household matters are beneath him. And by extension, you are beneath him.

Also nagging is a misogynistic term.

GaraMedouar · 10/04/2018 07:59

My ExP was the same. He was just lazy (and was perfectly happy to admit he was lazy).

pitterpatterrain · 10/04/2018 08:00

Lack of ability to be a grown up is not attractive ...

Does he want to be the child in the relationship? "asking nicely" due to assumed lack of knowledge comes across as adult/child

And "asking nicely" is such bullshit. How many men get told to ask nicely?

MerryDeath · 10/04/2018 08:00

complete rubbish. his priorities are different because he expects someone to do it for him.

falang · 10/04/2018 08:01

I don't think it's because he's a man. I think he's just a person who knows if he doesn't do it you will

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 10/04/2018 08:01

Distinct aroma of bovine excrement. Some men don't see the mess because they've been socialised to expect the house skivvy (aka A Woman) will do it. Nothing to do with wiring or DNA. Luckily the merry reminder of you not being there to be his servant should rectify it if he is a decent man.

And by the way saying you are nagging and asking you to ask nicely is a real cuntish thing to say.

Helmetbymidnight · 10/04/2018 08:01

men aren't programmed to notice one empty tin can on the side waiting to be put in the recycling

He doesn't genuinely believe that, does he?

I'm quite poor at house hold tasks and I'm a women but that's because 'I'll do them later' I know plenty of men who are v tidy.

pombal · 10/04/2018 08:02

The ‘I’ll do it in my own time’ thing is bullshit too.

That time will never come. It’s like sulky teenagers finding excuses for not tidying their room.

limon · 10/04/2018 08:03

Men and women are different. Men across the world haven’t got together in secret to decide to pretend to not be so good at doing certain stuff to piss women off

No but they have been socialised not to think its their responsibility and to believe it's womens responsibility.

Teachtolive · 10/04/2018 08:03

I'm convinced it's some kind of evolutionary hangover from caveman times, like he's looking for mountain lions in the kitchen so he doesn't see rubbish waiting to go out.

My DH is the same. We've talked about it and he says he genuinely doesn't see things the way I do so the solution is to just do things on a regular rotation.

grasspigeons · 10/04/2018 08:03

he sees it as your job. he is happy to help you do your job if you ask, but if he starts spotting stuff it becomes his job.

There are plenty of men that run perfectly clean tidy homes. My father is ridiculously tidy.

Its the exact same skills needed to keep a tidy workshop which millions of men manage to the point of drawing round their spanners to show the exact spot they need to hang up.

crumpet · 10/04/2018 08:04

Spot of national service would sort out the non-noticers! They would not get away with sloppiness in the forces, and at least would come away knowing how to make the bed perfectly....Grin

Pengggwn · 10/04/2018 08:05

There has to be a balance where two people are wired differently. I don't think it is 'men' and 'women'. I think he is trying to make it about that, saying his way is the way it needs to be, but actually, you need to compromise. He needs to start doing more off his own bat and you need to (maybe) relax your standards to meet him half way.

BertrandRussell · 10/04/2018 08:06

“Men and women are different. Men across the world haven’t got together in secret to decide to pretend to not be so good at doing certain stuff to piss women off.”

No. But men are socialized to expect women to do stuff for them. You only have to read the “boys will be boys” and the “men don’t see dirt, bless them” threads on here. Boys are disorganized, boys find it difficult to sit still and focus, boys all miss the loo and don’t clean up after themselves, men can’t sort washing, men use every pan when they cook.........it’s endless.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.