Are men wired differently or is this a BS excuse

[37KAT]

So, I get annoyed with DH that he doesn't notice the mound of recycling waiting to go outside, the washing on the line that needs to come in, dishwasher that is full, things that need putting away... need I go on..? I admit, I ignore it for a while then lose the plot a bit telling him how he does little to help. He will then do jobs.
He accuses me of nagging and the cheeky bugger said if I just "asked nicely" he would willingly do these things. I say I shouldn't have to ask, it's his home too and is he happy living in mess. We both work although me less hours.

We had a conversation about it and he was deadly serious and explained that he will do things in his own time, men aren't programmed to notice one empty tin can on the side waiting to be put in the recycling, can multi task etc. I wonder if there is anything in our genetic make up. I know some men who are very involved in household tasks, but the majority I know seem like my DH.
Is this an excuse and anyone could change their behaviour if they wanted to? It is one of the biggest issues to cause friction at home.
AIBU to think this is BS?

It's nothing but pure and simple disrespect.

Can you make a rota maybe? And you can say "this is me asking nicely, here's all the jobs you need to do on a weekly basis. All written down, so I don't have to keep asking".

See how you get on with that? My DH can be blinkered to housework but I think half the time its because he knows that if he leaves it, I'll pick up the slack. Put your foot down and don't get into an argument about it. Just say "oh ok, cool. Can you unload the dishwasher then please? And hang your clean clothes up while I sort the bathroom and make lunch?"

Making yourself into a martyr doesn't really help I find. If you do want to try and show him how much its getting you down, then you can always try going on strike. Do the bare minimum - for yourself, so just your own washing, cooking, cleaning up etc. Leave him to sort himself out. He'll soon get the message.

My DH mows the lawn and puts the bins out, without being asked.

Anything else I have told him NOT to do. I prefer to do it myself.

I don't want, or like, him doing my housework.

He will help me change the beds, if I ask him. He will hoover if I ask him.

He will do anything I want him to do, if I ask him.

I prefer it that way.

Seeing a man doing the washing-up, or gawd forbid, ironing, is a MASSIVE turn off for me.

He does all the DIY.

Seeing a man doing the washing-up, or gawd forbid, ironing, is a MASSIVE turn off for me

How strange! It’s a good job it doesn’t turn him off seeing you do it, as nothing would get done.

Nah it's just laziness. Can be either gender.

My ex husband had a full length mirror that he never bothered mounting anywhere and it stayed in a corner, gathering dust, being ignored by both of us. One day I was in said corner and noticed the CF had written 'clean me' on the mirror! Er the energy it took to write that could have been better deployed in cleaning the damn thing. Which he did after I had pointed this out to him.

I can't see mess and I'm a woman. We are not wired to do housework but it is extremely convenient for men to peddle that lie .

I bet he notices when he wants to put something in the recycling/needs a clean glass/ pants.

It's a BS excuse.

I don't notice these things either but my DH does!
It is not men v women - it is tidy vs not IME.

However my DH will not change bed linen or towels unless prompted - drives me crackers. I have learnt to let go a bit though (we have separate bedrooms and bathrooms so tbh he can do what he likes in his own room as long as I don't have to use it!)

I would consider ending my marriage before I "asked DH nicely" to put the bin out on a regular basis. What a load of shit - of course he can see the recycling waiting to go out!

Unless the dripfeed is that he's blind, of course.

Sevendown I think women are socially conditioned into judging their own worth by their level of cleanliness in the home. Women seem to feel like it is their responsibility to do these tasks.

I'd agree with this, I was basically told growing up that I wouldn't get a man if I couldn't look after the home. I am quite capable of looking after the home, however I don't see mess because it'll get done 'later'. My life's ambition was not and never has been to find a man/husband. I just happened to meet someone who didn't mind my mess, but who also wanted a place that was clean and tidy.

We both have things that we are good at and things that we don't notice and the other one carries the load (although I think my mental load is more, but that's another topic for another day).

Seeing a man doing the washing-up, or gawd forbid, ironing, is a MASSIVE turn off for me

How odd. My Dh will wash up, Hoover, do the laundry, iron, fold the clothes, tidy everything and general clean.

The only thing he won't do, is put the clothes away which I don't mind doing especially if he's the one who sorted them all in the first place

@Joanna57 Seeing a man doing the washing-up, or gawd forbid, ironing, is a MASSIVE turn off for me.

We're all different.

I think some men see what they want to see.

We are told that when it comes to sex, men are visual creatures so for example that’s why many use porn.

Then when it comes to housework, they can’t see mess, so are not visual?

Very convenient.

Does he notice stuff at work that needs doing or does he wait until he’s asked nicely to do it? No different in my opinion, he’s choosing to switch off at home because he knows he can get away with it.

Agree with the working mum link.
Dh is pretty good, but I still do about 6 things for his 1.

"We are told that when it comes to sex, men are visual creatures so for example that’s why many use porn.

Then when it comes to housework, they can’t see mess, so are not visual?"

Haha, I love this!

He's a lazy arse. It's a load of bull shit. I am assuming he can notice pedestrians in the road so he doesn't run them over? I am assuming he can notice when his pint at the pub is empty and get another one?
I could go on.
He notices alright but he doesn't care therefore he does nothing.

Soy Dora, the OP says in her original post that she is part time.

She doesn’t say it’s because she’s not strong/robust enough to work full time though. It could be for a variety of reasons.

My EXH could run a multinational corporation across 4 continents but not manage to put his mug in the dishwasher or pick his socks up off the floor.

My DH is much less " important" but manages to do both those things and cook and support the running of the home.

Genuinely doesn't see it as his responsibility maybe. Of course he can see the stuff. It is the response to the stuff. Entitled childlike response to claim you can't see it.

Well if men don't notice things lying around or what needs to be done then presumably they all need to be pulled ASAP from a large number of working environments!

Or I'm guessing that its just in the domestic environment the men suddenly lose their ability of basic observation?

It's totally crap. At a broader level socialisation and at an individual level laziness.

Some men may do housework but no man has ever posted in a forum about how often his female partner sorts the recycling.

OP if your husband is working long hours, you might need to alert his boss to the fact he "can't see" when work needs doing?

Alittlesandwich

yes thats my point! If they can't have the basic skill set of noticing a bug that needs cleaning how on earth are they able to mange complex projects?

Drives me crazy.

Chap here. I suggest your DH put in some time at Camp Bastion where things being clean, tidy and orderly can be a matter of instant life or death. Quelle surprise, the blokes there are pretty damn good at keeping the place shipshape, despite being as blokey as you'll find. He is making bullshit excuses and could easily contribute if in fact he wanted to.