Are men wired differently or is this a BS excuse

[37KAT]

So, I get annoyed with DH that he doesn't notice the mound of recycling waiting to go outside, the washing on the line that needs to come in, dishwasher that is full, things that need putting away... need I go on..? I admit, I ignore it for a while then lose the plot a bit telling him how he does little to help. He will then do jobs.
He accuses me of nagging and the cheeky bugger said if I just "asked nicely" he would willingly do these things. I say I shouldn't have to ask, it's his home too and is he happy living in mess. We both work although me less hours.

We had a conversation about it and he was deadly serious and explained that he will do things in his own time, men aren't programmed to notice one empty tin can on the side waiting to be put in the recycling, can multi task etc. I wonder if there is anything in our genetic make up. I know some men who are very involved in household tasks, but the majority I know seem like my DH.
Is this an excuse and anyone could change their behaviour if they wanted to? It is one of the biggest issues to cause friction at home.
AIBU to think this is BS?

Well if it’s a ‘man thing’ then DH must be female.
It’s a BS excuse.

is this a BS excuse
yes

If you'd like some references for when you tell him it is BS iconbooks.com/ib-title/testosterone-rex-2/

They just don’t notice the stuff they don’t consider important IME.

Or maybe he's just not as bothered about it as you are and doesn't mind a messier house ?

Well, as DH has ranted at me about the first two items on your list this week, I can confirm I disagree with your dh.

If it's true then I must be a man as I never notice this stuff. I think I am a bit of a slob compared to most MNers. Don't get me wrong, I keep the house clean but I'm not fussed about leaving the washing up til morning, I never iron and clutter doesn't bother me. I'd say DH is the same, possibly tidier, than me. Sounds as though your DP is relinquishing all responsibility by trying to convince you that biologically a woman's job is housework. I'd remind him it's no longer than the 1950's and he needs to stop being a chauvinistic twat.

It’s called learnt helplessness. And it wouldn’t wash with me one bit.
Tell you something, getting a divorce and subsequently an upgrade will make such a difference.

Ask nicely!!!! As in ‘would you kindly fuck off my dear, I’m not your mother’? Try that.

It's weird that they can't multi task at home or notice smal details yet are capable of running countries, companies and armies all of which I would imagine require the ability to multi task and keep track of the small details.

An army who has to be reminded (asked nicely) to load their guns and remember to pack their rations sounds like a pretty easy one to defeat. They'd be busy focusing on whatever one task (shooting for example) they had and not notice the tiger trap right in front of them...

So yes, total bollocks about being wired differently. He has just be socialised not to care there is a tin on the side and to assume it is beneath him to pull his weight domestically.

Don't have children with this man child. He has shown you who he is. It will only get worse when you are at home with a baby and therefore he sees you as entirely responsible for the house

That is absolute bollocks! If anything, it's my husband that notices these things more than I do.

I'm with you katniss -

I think the 'noticing' idea is interesting - I mean I notice things need doing but that's it, there's no siren/urgency/affect- it's just a sort of sad observation out the corner of my eye and can easily be ignored.

Agree with pp, no difference between human brains in terms of ability to organise and multi task. Your doing wife work. Try the rota system. Explicit instructions may help too. Good luck!

Butlers and concierges are usually male and they’re very good at housekeeping tasks. Does money suddenly make them have the ability to see it?

It's weird that they can't multi task at home or notice smal details yet are capable of running countries, companies and armies all of which I would imagine require the ability to multi task and keep track of the small details.

So true. And large numbers of them will even insist that men are more suited to these tasks that need a lot of organisation and efficiency!

ive just had fun googling ultimate man cave / shed / workshop ideas

Its the stuff men apparently aspire to and dream of and they nearly all are incredibly tidy and ordered

Why aren't you working full time? If you are then I would expect him to do 50% of all household tasks. If you have agreed that you are part time then it might be expected that you do more.
To be honest, for real change with regard to equality, women should pull their weight financially and men take equal responsibility for domestic tasks. I never get it when there is talk of 'wife work' but an assumption that men should have the greater burden for being the financial provider. Where there is inequality in one area it leads to inequality in other areas.
Obviously this does not apply if you are on maternity leave or have a disability or very young children.

What a load of bollocks. My DH is tidy and good at housework, I don't always notice mess so according to your DH I'm a bloke and he's a woman.

I have been feeling the same recently about laundry/ food shopping/ etc etc. I just stopped doing it. My husband came home and was surprised his footy kit was dirty and there was nothing to eat. I didn't make a big deal of it, just did us fish fingers chips and beans. I think it was the first time he realised that I just do stuff around the house without him having to think about it. I came home the next next to some clean laundry and food in the fridge. Amazing. Not saying everyone will react like this but I was just sick of whinging at him and decided to just let him do it for a change

My husband does all the cooking, cleaning and washing because he was the oldest of 5 to a single mum and used to help her. He was taught it, and now he likes to do it. Because if I do it, I don't do it to his standards - hahaha!

Anyways, lucky me, your husband is lazy. It's just how he's been socialised.

listening I was about to say the same thing! My partner gets to things before I do!

Spot of national service would sort out the non-noticers!

That may well be true, but if the implication is that men should do military service and women be exempted then it doesn't sound like a recipe for gender equality....

It is BS, but a convenient excuse for some men

They see dirt alright, and mess, but just think "some woman will clean this up"

Do you think all single men and gay men live in pig sties?!

Katniss, that is also me. I frequently read threads on here in horror at the house cleaning needs and expectations of posters. DH is generally tidier than me and I always forget that laundry needs doing just to keep the show on the road whereas he doesn't, whereas I am more bothered by a grubby bathroom and the need to hoover cat hair occasionally than he. But that's all down to us as people; it's nothing to do with biology.

I’d flip this around and ask why are women doing this?

I think women are socially conditioned into judging their own worth by their level of cleanliness in the home. Women seem to feel like it is their responsibility to do these tasks.

It’s baffling to me.

When I’m around women I see them cleaning and tidying all the time and think, ‘why?

I don’t get what is driving them.

I wasn’t socially conditioned that way.

My attitude to cleaning is to do a task when it needs done.

I don’t see cleaning as a valuable use of my time or energy.

I’m happy to live with crumbs.

So for me the question isn’t why don’t men clean it is why do women?

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html