Are men wired differently or is this a BS excuse

[37KAT]

So, I get annoyed with DH that he doesn't notice the mound of recycling waiting to go outside, the washing on the line that needs to come in, dishwasher that is full, things that need putting away... need I go on..? I admit, I ignore it for a while then lose the plot a bit telling him how he does little to help. He will then do jobs.
He accuses me of nagging and the cheeky bugger said if I just "asked nicely" he would willingly do these things. I say I shouldn't have to ask, it's his home too and is he happy living in mess. We both work although me less hours.

We had a conversation about it and he was deadly serious and explained that he will do things in his own time, men aren't programmed to notice one empty tin can on the side waiting to be put in the recycling, can multi task etc. I wonder if there is anything in our genetic make up. I know some men who are very involved in household tasks, but the majority I know seem like my DH.
Is this an excuse and anyone could change their behaviour if they wanted to? It is one of the biggest issues to cause friction at home.
AIBU to think this is BS?

I've just, very reluctantly, removed an empty toothpaste tube that's been sitting on the windowsill for about 10 days. I wouldn't mind so much but the bin is directly underneath it.

We even had an argument about it.
I know he used the last of it. When I started the new tube I hid it in a drawer for the first few days, but he found it... For the first couple of days he put it back. He forgot to put it back one day (not difficult for him) and left it on the windowsill.
I made a joke about it and asked if he'd finished with the old tube.

• Yes

So why didn't you put it in the bin?

• Because I thought you might want to try squeezing some more out of it

etc etc. But instead of flouncing off to remove it, he just sat there. I honestly think he just never sees things like this. I've known him put jars back that are just about empty, and he definitely doesn't notice things like dirty marks on doors & soap splashes on the bathroom window. He also doesn't put dirty clothes in the laundry bin.

After nagging for over 30 years I just can't be bothered any more. It's easier to do it myself. Otherwise I'd be living in a pig sty.

I know his mother was not exactly clean & tidy so I assume it's parental conditioning.

Agreed @CasperGutman, but this conversation is specifically about men...(my post was also rather tongue in cheek)

OP, my husband struggles with the dishwasher - it looks like he's stood at the door and thrown plates at it when he stacks it, so I do that. He does the vast majority of cooking as he's home first and most of the washing - often after holidays he's got the first load in the washer when I'm still coming through the door with the last of the stuff from the car.

This isn't a wiring thing, it's a "if I leave it long enough, she'll do it" thing.

Alittlesandwich your ex didn't want to pick up his socks.
He could have managed it perfectly well if he'd have chosen to. I guess that's one of the reason he's your ex?

My DH doesn't see things either. Hopeless!

I think women are socially conditioned into judging their own worth by their level of cleanliness in the home. Women seem to feel like it is their responsibility to do these tasks.

I think this is bullshit. I want my house to look nice because I have standards and don't want to live in a pig sty, and it stresses me out when there's loads of mess all over the place and visible dirt on things. I'd say that was 'human nature' and not something I'm socially conditioned to think because I am a woman . Sometimes my standards slip and the place is a shithole for a while.

The issue arises from the fact that everyone has different standards and when one person has higher standards than the other, they generally end up doing most of the work.

Thanks for your replies. Opinion is a little mixed. I'm going to have a read through..

I've just, very reluctantly, removed an empty toothpaste tube that's been sitting on the windowsill for about 10 days. I wouldn't mind so much but the bin is directly underneath it.

There are two empty toothpaste tubes on the windowsill in my bathroom. I'm female, within days of being 50 years old, single for the past 10 years, and I really don't care about a bit of untidiness, or even, horrors!, a bit of dirt and grubbiness in the house.

It's not a male v female thing - it's down to a range of factors including socialisation, personality and priorities (which can include a preference for gazing peacefully into space rather than cleaning the bath).

men aren't programmed to notice one empty tin can on the side waiting to be put in the recycling, can multi task etc.

Does he have a car/shed/desk at work? How does he keep them?

It’s not that these people don’t see these things, they have eyes, of course they else’s these things. What they mean is when they see them they dont take them on board as jobs to be done because they don’t associate that stuff with them. Mentally, they have decided that is someone else’s job to do. Just like we don’t notice jobs that need done in our friends houses when we visit, because that isn’t our job so so we aren’t on the lookout for stuff that needs done. These people that “don’t see” the full bin in their own house, don’t “see it” because they have no interest in emptying it. They have chosen to tune out of domestic jobs. Because someone else does and always will do it. Maybe stop doing it and see when they start noticing.

Soy Dora, the line below is copied from my original post

'Obviously this does not apply if you are on maternity leave or have a disability or very young children.'

I just can't see equality in the work place or at home until there are equal expectations for both men and women.

It took one morning of my son waking up to no clean uniform for him to realise he needs to wash his uniform at the weekend. He is 12. And also male.

It’s so much bullshit when he says he doesn’t see it.
Some people don’t care about mess - and that’s fine, until they share a home with others. Then they have to pull their own weight without being asked.

My partner doesn’t care about mess. He soon learned to care when we had toddlers who could reach his precious hobby stuff

My mum says my 21 yr old brother can’t do his own washing because he is a boy and therefore doesn’t think about it. I say that’s bullshit too as my 8 year old can and does load and turn on the washing machine once a week, even though he too is blessed with a penis.

I agree with Zibb.
My teenage son is mine the ops dh. Last night I told him I would increase his board if he doesn't start to wash up.
The internet is also a. very useful tool. Goes off when I go to bed if jobs haven't been done.

its got bugger all to do with his sex.

Its who HE is. so his 'I'm a man' is bullshit.

My ex was a neat freak, i'm not. i'm a 'I see it, i'll do it later' kind of person because I was usually doing something else at the time. Used to drive him potty.

But then my argument was the housework was my job so i'd do things when I was good and bloody ready and if he wanted it doing it earlier, he could get on with it himself and stfu.

i'm 'not programmed' to see one can on the side.. why would I put ONE can in the recycling? waste of time, it can sit til the end of the day when i'll put it ALL out in one go.

I'm not going to wash 3 dishes either, it can wait until there's a decent sinkfull, otherwise its a waste of water.

I'm not taking one pile of washing up when I know there's more on the line, it can wait and then ALL go up together.

I'm not going to pick the toys up until the kids go to bed, they'll just get them out again.

I'm not going to make the bed because the kids like to get in there, so they'll mess it up again.

Its about standards, priorities and working with each other. If your DH has different standards, its who he is, but he still needs to work with you!

I know plenty of women who have a dirty/untidy house and live alone or with their DC. By contrast I know only one single dad (with two sons) and his house is always tidy so I don't think it's a male/female thing!

My H is like this. He genuinely doesn't appear to notice what needs doing. He was fed up of me 'nagging' so I have resorted to a white board and list in the kitchen that gets checked off when it's done. No tick?-it needs doing! He has mild aspergers and this is part of it but it doesn't me a I don't get driven mad by it. He s really bad for starting something then getting distracted and moving onto a different task but things do get done eventually!

My H is like this. He genuinely doesn't appear to notice what needs doing. He was fed up of me 'nagging' so I have resorted to a white board and list in the kitchen that gets checked off when it's done. No tick?-it needs doing! He has mild aspergers and this is part of it but it doesn't me a I don't get driven mad by it. He s really bad for starting something then getting distracted and moving onto a different task but things do get done eventually!

Some people are different to other people. Having a penis or not having a penis is largely irrelevant. I've got ADD, I'm a woman, I don't notice this stuff, I also don't have a penis. My DH does (both notice and have a penis) and I drive him potty with my mess, disorganisation & chaos.

I try my best, a chore list helps me because my brain is genuinely wired differently - as in ADD is a physiological neurological condition where your neurotransmitters don't process the same as NT people. Asking me also helps - I 'should' notice or remember to do stuff, but I don't - I'm not being awkward though, it really is the way I'm made.

Unless he has ADD or another difference in his brain which causes processing difficulties then using the 'I'm a man and I'm therefore made different' is a massive asshat excuse, and not true either.

it looks like he's stood at the door and thrown plates at it when he stacks it, so I do that.

😂 this made me laugh!

I think you have different standards.

I grew up with a mother who would become enraged about 'the mess in this place' to the extent of throwing things around and huffing. The 'mess' was often a newspaper left open, a mug left on a hearth or a book on the back of a chair.

Her standards were unreasonably high. I genuinely couldn't see the 'mess' she went on and on and on about, because to me it was just a newspaper, a mug or a book. But it was a very small house and to her it was very important that everything was put away at all times because it 'made the place look untidy'.

Just opposing views. So you can't make him see mess he doesn't consider to be mess, you can only try to get him to see your point of view, that the place looks better without clutter or stuff piled up.

Seeing a man doing the washing-up, or gawd forbid, ironing, is a MASSIVE turn off for me.

How very, very odd. I was brought up to believe that are no gendered jobs around the house, except for removing dead animals and cake decoration.

My DH had a lifetime of not having to do a thing, his family had a housekeeper and then he lived in student halls or as a lodger. We didn't get together till he was 29 so a long time of being looked after.

He does share the workload but I definitely have to nudge still sometimes. I remember having a discussion with my much older sister, she had already been married for 20 years by the time I got hitched. Her DH did nothing and she got tired of complaining so she did it all herself for forty years.

I was extremely ill and bedbound last year leaving my DP in charge of the house. After a few days I braved going downstairs and my god, I wished I hadn’t. It looked like a war zone! All I thought to myself was thank fuck he is not solely in charge of this house on a permnant basis. Likewise I have left him and DC for a few hours while I have gone into work and returned to find an absolute bomb site... I went ballistic. I don’t know why he thinks it’s acceptable tbh, I honestly just think he thinks well “pinkvoid” will do it eventually so I don’t have to .

I also am aware that full time work means you are too busy to notice small domestic details

Rubbish. Women work full time and somehow manage this as do most of the men I know.

The comment about "ask nicely" tells you the answer - he classifies it as woman's work, not work needed for a shared home.

When I was a teenager I didn't notice mess, I learned to notice what needed doing as I grew up. The DH here needs to grow up.