Are men wired differently or is this a BS excuse

[37KAT]

So, I get annoyed with DH that he doesn't notice the mound of recycling waiting to go outside, the washing on the line that needs to come in, dishwasher that is full, things that need putting away... need I go on..? I admit, I ignore it for a while then lose the plot a bit telling him how he does little to help. He will then do jobs.
He accuses me of nagging and the cheeky bugger said if I just "asked nicely" he would willingly do these things. I say I shouldn't have to ask, it's his home too and is he happy living in mess. We both work although me less hours.

We had a conversation about it and he was deadly serious and explained that he will do things in his own time, men aren't programmed to notice one empty tin can on the side waiting to be put in the recycling, can multi task etc. I wonder if there is anything in our genetic make up. I know some men who are very involved in household tasks, but the majority I know seem like my DH.
Is this an excuse and anyone could change their behaviour if they wanted to? It is one of the biggest issues to cause friction at home.
AIBU to think this is BS?

My Dh will spot it easily

He's the one that nags me as he is so on top of things

Sexism again.

My Dp used to notice different things. He'd clear away coffee cups as soon as we'd finished drinking, he always stacked things in tidy piles - I leave stuff everwhere. He'd notice exactly how much tea/coffee/ cheese we ahd left and make sure we never ran out wherea I was always goign to make somethign and being surprised that we only had X left. He cleaned as he went , I prefer to do all my cleaning in one go. I hated being nagged to wash up five seconds after I'd finished eating - BUT - I think I did a more thorough job. He'd wipe a surface and I'd scrub and bleach it clean. He'd rinse a cup and I'd put it in the dishwasher.

Not a man woman thing - we just lived differently

When he's at home he's in "relaxation mode" so he doesn't notice those things.
If he was in "work mode" for at least some of the time, at home, then he'd notice and do them. But he doesn't want to be.

Agree sevendown

Total BS! A friend used to be a SAHM and as soon as her husband got back from work he would notice EVERY tiny detail that was wrong and give her a hard time about being lazy all day!
They didn't stay together long. He always noticed stuff, but never sorted it out himself as it wasn't 'his job'.

I don't think it's a gender split, it's a people split. DP notices everything that needs to be done, whereas I have days when I'm so busy with other things that every dish in the house could be in the sink and it just wouldn't register with me that a. they're in the sink, b. they need washed, or even c. that I could wash them.

I don't think it's always about male versus female, more about standards of tidiness. DH doesn't mind clutter and doesn't mind mess. I do. DH can leave the bin sticky with stuff hanging out the top for a few hours. I can't. He pulls his weight about the house because he just gets on with it, but I know if he'd married someone like him he'd have been just as happy in a clutter-filled house.

The whole "men don't notice" thing is bullshit, though. Complete bullshit. They're not hardwired to not see things; some are just lazy fecks.

I came in to post a link to She divorced me because I left the dishes by the sink, but as Category has already done so, I'll just leave this Mystery Basket here

m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU&feature=youtu.be

Maybe there are genetic differences, but honestly who cares if there is? If men are hardwired to not give a shit about mess, women most certainly haven't been commensurately hardwired to put up with it. Thus negotiation is key.

To try and use this to actually shut down any debate and fruitful negotiation on the subject basically puts your relationship on a trajectory to break up. I'd say LTB but that is an inevitablity sooner or later unless he's willing to discuss it.

Hope he does and it works out.

On threads like this people often talk about having different standards. It is, however, almost always the woman who has the higher standards!

I agree with some posters, which is perhaps a slightly different tack, when you have inequality with regard to working outside the home , there becomes a sliding scale of who does what with regard to domestic chores. I am against the assumption that women are only strong enough to do part time work and can't manage a full job. Ditto men and domestic jobs. It lessens the equality argument.
I also am aware that full time work means you are too busy to notice small domestic details (or you sub contract it and have a cleaner). Some women ( not you OP) make the running of the house into their 'job' and then act like martyrs when it isn't run according to their satisfaction. It isn't healthy. Much better that there is an assumption that both are equally responsible in all areas of family life (including finance).

There's nothing innate in men that makes them incapable of seeing mess and domestic needs and acting on it.

I was really untidy, unhygenic and undomesticated up until the point DH and I lived together. Then I decided I needed to act like a grown-up and learnt how to take care of domestic tasks in the house. DH is naturally more tidy and drawn to 'get things done' before he can relax but not wanting to look like an unhygenic child in comparison, somehow I managed to learn these skills. It's not rocket science.

My DH has blind spots (recycling, restocking cupboards, baby and small child supplies) but does everything else, and often before I get round it. So I think it's BS.

That’s me, but I’m female. I don’t notice stuff piling up and then it’s “woh where did that pile of recycling/overflowing bin come from”. I’m trying to train myself to “see” crap but it is difficult. (I have asd)

Restocking cupboards is an interesting blind spot. So he cooks-but doesn't plan or, presumably shop? Changes nappies- but thinks the nappy fairy buys them? Cleans the bathroom-but doesn't buy loo roll?

He knows that if he doesn't do it, you will.

Even if he has the most basic, routine job imaginable he wouldn't get away with that sort of behaviour at work, and no boss would take excuses such as 'I didn't see it', 'I'll do it in my own time' or 'I need micromanaging in every tiny little aspect of my work so you just need to ask me nicely and I'll do it'. He would never stay in a job for more than a few days if that was all he was capable of.

So why does he think it's reasonable to behave like that at home?

Isn't this that thing where the husband expects the wife to take on the "mental load" ?

Why do you have to ask him nicely to do each of his jobs? Did you agree to that or does he just expect it of you?

I would bet he isn't so lazy and uninterested of the less interesting jobs he has to do at work.

I'm a woman. I'd notice the empty tin on the side, but wouldn't think it was a problem. I wait until there's a few things to put in the bin at once as this is more efficient.

I am against the assumption that women are only strong enough to do part time work and can't manage a full job

Who assumes that? Not anything I’ve ever heard of. All the women I know have worked full time until having children. Most have then gone back to full time work.

Obviously a lot more women than men go part time or become SAHM’s after children, but I think that’s a differerent issue/consideration to ‘not being strong enough to work full time’.

I also am aware that full time work means you are too busy to notice small domestic details

Bollocks.

Complete BS. I never ask my husband to do any of those things. They just get done, by either of us.

sevendown I entirely agree, the problem is that certainly in my cultural sphere (farming) a woman is roundly judged on their ability to be a good housewife, even if they have a full time job away from the farm.

Now I've made it very clear to my DP since very early on that I do not judge my worth as a woman on my ability to keep a clean and tidy house and that he is expected to do his fair share without being asked. This was initially quite hard for him to come to terms with when his only previous frame of reference has been his mother martyring herself to housework (she was a sock and undies ironer ) but the top and bottom of it is that if he doesn't do his share then his share doesn't get done. He likes a tidy house though so he has tried his best to pick up the slack.

Despite this his share regularly doesn't get done, usually because he genuinely doesn't have time because of busy times of year on the farm etc, but unlike his mum I work off the farm as well as on it and don't have any inclination to give up my tiny slivers of remaining free time to empty a half full bathroom bin, mop the porch, take the recycling out or vacuum the stairs weekly. It's just not important enough to me if those things don't get done as often as they should and it's certainly not enough of a shit tip to bother with employing a cleaner.

But despite it being his share that's not being done it's me that gets judged by his family for things not being immaculate. It's me they discuss between themselves as 'not coping' because I prioritise getting a hot cup of tea over ironing toddler clothes that are only going to be clean for about an hour anyway before they need to be washed again.

Sometimes it upsets me because I don't like people thinking badly of me, but most of the time I try my best to think 'fuck it'

I'm emotionally resilient enough to not care most of the time, but many many women come under a lot of pressure externally to be the housekeepers despite no longer having the 'benefit' of being at home all day.

My kids see it as my role to clear up after them. Obviously I get them to help but it is a constant battle. They are 15 and 13. 3 years time the oldest will be going to university and I doubt I will have trained him by then. So the pattern continues.

OP, I suggest you follow Man Who Has it All on Twitter for a week or two, it gently pokes fun at these kind of assumptions

Seriously, do it