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AIBU?

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Original poster

To insist to accompany dh to x ray results, possibly cancer

257 replies

Alicantine · 10/04/2018 00:48

I know it cannot possibly be a good news, but he wants to go on his own to hear the news and I am really upset at the thought.

Here is the background: The hospital rang this morning saying the doctor needed to speak to him urgently and he needs to be there tomorrow (well later today Tuesday 10th April) 3pm. He has had blood in his urine for months but only told me recently. As soon as he told me, I booked a gp appointment for him (about a month and a half ago). When he went the Gp said he needed some tests made and he made a referral. X ray tests were last Friday and they said he should expect the results within 7 to 10 days.
However, today Monday they called home several times (we were out) and we picked up the fourth call in the afternoon as soon as we came back. And they said "you need to come urgently tomorrow 3pm".

Am I right to think this can only be a bad news?

He is adamant he is going on his own, whereas I feel I need to be there.

Sorry for my syntax and order information I do not want to drip feed but I have tears just writing this as I love him so much and I am so scared of losing him

He's 39 and I'm 38. We've been married for 18 years. We have six children together that we love dearly. He is a great dad to them he has his own business and always manages to be there for them and help me with everything I need. I also run a different business and we've been doing great lately. Our relationship had had its fair share of us and downs, but I can honestly say that in all these years he's been my rock, and we haven't had nothing major in the past three years or so, if not more. We laugh, joke, and talk every day, and we always make sure we both know how much we count for the other one.

I believe it would be scandalous for him to go on a test results appointment like this without his wife. But at the same I want to respect his wishes and not upset him. I just don't know what to do to help him right now. If anyone has been in a similar situation or could advise me it'd be great.

I read testimonials of people preparing themselves to attend a cancer test results appointment and most of them say they were happy that someone was there with them, to ask the questions they didn't think about... I told him and he was like "I'm not like everyone, I want to go on my own" :(. What should I do?

OP posts:
iVampire · 21/04/2018 08:19

Really sorry to read your updates.

On a practical note, your DH could still travel if well enough at time of journey (which he might be)

I had a holiday booked when I was diagnosed and I wanted to go (and was well enough). First policy said that they wouldn’t cover anyone with cancer, so choices were a) full
payout or b) if I bought additional health cover for me, they would honour all other parts of the policy.

I went with b. There’s a good list of insurers who will cover those living with cancer on the Leukaemia Care website. I can dig it out for you if that would help.

yerbutnobut · 21/04/2018 08:29

Hi alicantine, good question!
I felt guilty because all of my family and close friends were worried sick, my DH couldn't stop crying in the beginning, my DD was 9 at the time and became really anxious and clingy and my DS who had just turned 17 started coming home drunk and telling me he was scared and didn't know what to do (he's fine now, they all are!). I'm classed as NED now and have a different take on life now, feel stronger and its made DH and I closer than ever.

MagicJay · 22/04/2018 09:17

I was thinking about you yesterday a lot, I hope you got some good news.

MrsMozart · 22/04/2018 09:35

Thinking about you lass.

MissusGeneHunt · 22/04/2018 09:44

Thinking about you both. Keep talking, access support wherever you can. Take care of YOU. Hugs. Flowers

snewname · 22/04/2018 09:49

He's already had his appointment guys and it is probably cancer. He's now waiting for his biopsy to 100% confirm this and see how advanced it is. Do you have a date for this yet ali ? How are you doing?

Ellendegeneres · 11/05/2018 11:25

Hey ali how are you all doing?

TuTru · 11/05/2018 11:33

My dad tried to do these sorts of appts on his own. Didn’t want us upset, or to be a burden or whatever reason he had in his mind. We managed to have either me or my sister just happen to be there for them anyway. I’m glad we did. My Dad was glad we were there in the end too. Personally I would definitely go, even if you intend just to wait in the waiting room. Any decent consultant/registrar will invite you in anyway or certainly suggest to the patient you go in.
Obviously it’s up to the patient how they choose to deal with the news, but it’s helpful to know what’s been said in important appts where the patient may be in denial or even shock xx
🤞🏻

Original poster
Alicantine · 21/05/2018 18:23

@snewname and @Ellendegeneres and @TuTru and the rest of you people who have supported our journey until now, here is an update:

My husband has had his cystoscopy on April 30th during which not one but two tumours were removed. Biopsies of surrounding tissues were made too. We will know the results tomorrow, our appointment is at 10.45am. This is to properly confirm the cancer and its stage.

He also had a CT scan 10 days ago and we should also know the results tomorrow. This is meant to establish whether the cancer would have spread to other parts of his body.

Today there is no question of me not going! He actually arranged everything with the children himself so that I could come!

There is one odd thing: at the end of the cystoscopy on April 30th, the consultant said to us "what I have removed today did not look like your typical bladder cancer tumour". I was like what? He said it might be something else: an infection he might have caught in a country my husband recently spent, on and off, about 2 years.

Ok, so there was a glimmer of hope there.

But then last Wednesday when we rang to find out the results of the multi disciplinary meeting which we knew he was meant to hold last Tuesday, his secretary said to us "you need to come in to know the results, he does not wish to discuss them over the phone, as they are too complicated to discuss over the phone". Tuesday 22nd, 10.45am.

Obviously it could be anything, and it might just be protocol, etc, etc. However, I am almost certain that if it was not cancer he would at least have said that over the phone, wouldn't he?

In anycase, agonising now, after all the wait, will not help. Tomorrow 10.45am will be one of the most stressful appointments of my life. I have your comments to read through already, as many of you last time commented upon going to biopsy results appointments even though it was not our case yet. So now I know exactly what it is, and I can really say it IS nerve-racking!

I really appreciated the support I got here last time and I think I need more help now as tomorrow's news could change his, my and our children's lives forever. (ermm ok so much for waiting quietly and no dramatising anything!)

I just really hope it is not as bad as I think...

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 21/05/2018 20:18

I'm no help but wanted to wish you both lots of luck for tomorrow Thanks

Storminateapot · 21/05/2018 20:42

Wishing you lots of luck and hope that glimmer of hope that it may be something else turns out to be correct. If it is the infection that would also be probably complicated to discuss and they would still want you in.

I am a cancer sufferer myself and have stopped trying to second guess what is meant by things they do or do not say. I absolutely would not assume they would have reassured you that it wasn't cancer last week even if it wasn't. Unfortunately many health professionals forget that you are a person and that there is a psychological angle to what is going on. You become a thing to be fixed/treated and it wouldn't cross their mind to reassure you until you are there in the room even if the news were 'good'.

SavageBeauty73 · 21/05/2018 20:44

Good luck 🙏

HPandBaconSandwiches · 21/05/2018 20:52

Wishing you and your family lots of good luck for the meeting.
Take a pen and paper and write things down or you’ll forget the details.
Flowers

EmmaGrundyForPM · 21/05/2018 20:56

Wishing you luck. HPandBacon is right, take a pen and notebook and write everything down.

Nannyplumssillyoldelf · 21/05/2018 20:59

Good luck.

Monsterpage · 21/05/2018 21:02

Good luck x

Ionacat · 21/05/2018 21:06

Having been through this with DH, the waiting for the initial results to find out what it was and had it spread was probably the most difficult bit as once we had the appointment we had a treatment plan and had some answers, the consultant reassured us pretty much straight away that they were aiming for a complete cure. It was much easier to deal with, it was the unknown that was the worst part.

Take a pen and paper to write things down as you don’t always process everything and ask if there is a number/email/someone to speak to when you have questions later, which we did have. If it is cancer, the other thing that threw us was they asked us if we were planning to have more kids as if we were they offered DH sperm freezing which had to be done before treatment could start, which completely threw us for a bit. (We were trying for our second at the time.)

I really hope it isn’t and that you come away with good news. Have you got a good box set/book to read if you struggle to sleep later? (I never slept before DH’s ‘big’ appointments.)

NeverTwerkNaked · 21/05/2018 21:07

Thinking of you both for tomorrow, glad you are both going together. Hopefully you manage to sleep tonight Flowers

crazymumofthree · 21/05/2018 21:08

I have only just seen this thread and just read through! I have my fingers crossed and sending lots of hope to you and you DH tomorrow! Hoping you get some good news! Xx

dontbesillyhenry · 21/05/2018 21:10

Everything crossed for you

Catsrus · 21/05/2018 21:19

Good luck tomorrow - but don't assume that it's bad news because they didn't reassure you on the phone. They don't say anything because that would mean everyone NOT told it was ok would find out they had cancer in an inappropriate way and without support. No one gets told anything one way or the other.

notapizzaeater · 21/05/2018 21:28

Take a notepad and make notes, you are bound to forget things, Hugs x

condepetie · 21/05/2018 21:29

Good luck tomorrow. Flowers

maddening · 21/05/2018 21:32

Good luck op x

minmooch · 21/05/2018 22:24

Wishing you and yours much luck for tomorrow. I hope that it is better news than you are dreading.

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