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AIBU?

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Original poster

To insist to accompany dh to x ray results, possibly cancer

257 replies

Alicantine · 10/04/2018 00:48

I know it cannot possibly be a good news, but he wants to go on his own to hear the news and I am really upset at the thought.

Here is the background: The hospital rang this morning saying the doctor needed to speak to him urgently and he needs to be there tomorrow (well later today Tuesday 10th April) 3pm. He has had blood in his urine for months but only told me recently. As soon as he told me, I booked a gp appointment for him (about a month and a half ago). When he went the Gp said he needed some tests made and he made a referral. X ray tests were last Friday and they said he should expect the results within 7 to 10 days.
However, today Monday they called home several times (we were out) and we picked up the fourth call in the afternoon as soon as we came back. And they said "you need to come urgently tomorrow 3pm".

Am I right to think this can only be a bad news?

He is adamant he is going on his own, whereas I feel I need to be there.

Sorry for my syntax and order information I do not want to drip feed but I have tears just writing this as I love him so much and I am so scared of losing him

He's 39 and I'm 38. We've been married for 18 years. We have six children together that we love dearly. He is a great dad to them he has his own business and always manages to be there for them and help me with everything I need. I also run a different business and we've been doing great lately. Our relationship had had its fair share of us and downs, but I can honestly say that in all these years he's been my rock, and we haven't had nothing major in the past three years or so, if not more. We laugh, joke, and talk every day, and we always make sure we both know how much we count for the other one.

I believe it would be scandalous for him to go on a test results appointment like this without his wife. But at the same I want to respect his wishes and not upset him. I just don't know what to do to help him right now. If anyone has been in a similar situation or could advise me it'd be great.

I read testimonials of people preparing themselves to attend a cancer test results appointment and most of them say they were happy that someone was there with them, to ask the questions they didn't think about... I told him and he was like "I'm not like everyone, I want to go on my own" :(. What should I do?

OP posts:
minmooch · 18/04/2018 13:56

I'm so sorry. Any cancer diagnosis leaves you reeling and you will be in shock for some time. I hope that it is a low level grade tumour and treatment gentle. Xx

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 18/04/2018 14:01

Oh I am sorry to hear this. One thing I have learned in recent years is that there are cancers and cancers. I know we all panic when we hear the C word, but we are fortunate to have the NHS and treatments are getting better and better

Is there a Maggies Centre near you?
www.maggiescentres.org/

BewareOfDragons · 18/04/2018 15:38

I'm so sorry. I hope it is contained and they can treat him quickly and succesfully.

Flowers
Hellsbellscockleshells · 18/04/2018 15:41

Hope you and your DH are ok OP
💐

hellsbellsmelons · 18/04/2018 15:47

I'm so sorry OP.
This is truly crap.
My DDad has had bladder cancer twice and prostate cancer and has now had the all clear for a couple of years.
Try to be positive.
(((((HUGS)))))

BuntyII · 18/04/2018 16:00

I'm sure it is an awful shock to you but there is so much they can do now Thanks

Chasingsquirrels · 18/04/2018 16:39

So sorry to read this update Alicantine.
I hope you have friends and family around to support you both in the coming time.

GlitteryFluff · 18/04/2018 18:17

Im so sorry to read this update Thanks

snewname · 18/04/2018 18:32

Honestly there are so many people that you never know have had cancer until you mention you have it, then loads of people say "oh I've had such and such". The cure rate is fantastic. Keep positive. I've been been there and have the t-shirt. I'm fine now but it's a harrowing time. The waiting is the worst.

UnderslungBowlingBall · 18/04/2018 18:44

I'm really sorry Alicantine, try to take heart that even if it is cancerous the survival rates are pretty good. How are you doing?

MrsMozart · 18/04/2018 19:00

Oh bugger. I'm sorry lass.

Holding your hand while you go through this.

Original poster
Alicantine · 19/04/2018 13:23

Thank you all for your kind messages

They have really helped

I have spoken to two very good family friends, who are both GPs, but the rest of the family is still in the dark.

@snewname I did not know that. Had no idea even though now that I think of it yes cancer does seem quite widespread...

@yerbutnobut thanks for your testimonial it did help me throughout. Why feel guilty when being diagnosed? Aren't our minds wondrous things? I am glad to hear you are better.

@Penfold007 thanks for your handhold. May I ask how it went for your DH after that?

@TheHobbyKing thanks for your testimonial I do hope the NHS will be able to swiftly get him into the various motions needed. The wait if already agonising. Although with the children and work, I hardly have time to even allow myself to cry or feel sorry. I just have to move on.

@PrawnBhuna may I ask how your appointment went last week?

This morning when I woke up, for a minute I thought yesterday had been a dream. Then when I realised it had not been, my heart sank.

One other thing : we had booked a long visit to my father who lives abroad and who's had a stroke last year. Due to my pregnancies and them living so far, I have not been able to visit my parents for several years. We thought this time around it was the perfect opportunity to go and visit them and we booked back in February. As there ere 8 of us it worked out at £4200 just for the tickets. This morning I discovered I bought non refundable tickets, that my credit card also does not offer travel insurance, and that I did subscribe to an insurance last year, which is still valid, but for Europe only (this trip is outside Europe). I do not mind the loss of the money as much as losing the opportunity to see my dad one more time as he is getting very old (he is reaching 80).

The prospect of potentially losing my dad and my husband in the same year is a bit daunting, although I keep reminding myself I should not just sit there and let my imagination go wild. At the end of the day they are both still alive and -relatively- well, and there is plenty of time for me to let them know how much I love them both.

I spoke to my mum this morning she is setting up the house and adding an extension wing to receive her six grand children and she was so excited and happy. I was heartbroken just listening to her.

I need to wait until the results of the biopsy and to hear what kind of treatment they recommend to us, before rushing to cancel or worry anyone. But it's tough.

Sorry again for the seemingly random thoughts...

OP posts:
Flockoftreegulls · 19/04/2018 15:01

I'm so sorry OP, this is awful news to get.
My DM was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer in November and the surgeon was not optimistic.
However after a very radical operation at Christmas and then an awful few weeks of waiting she was given the all clear. The surgeon said he was really surprised to have such a good outcome as it appeared to have spread to other organs from the scans.
Hopefully you will know more soon about the plan for his treatment and you can focus on doing something. It's awful being in limbo not knowing what the future holds.
I can only wish you the best and offer a hand hold Flowers

ilovegin112 · 19/04/2018 15:10

Check that you haven't maybe got travel insurance as an extra with a bank account, sending lots of best wishes x

minmooch · 19/04/2018 16:15

You can get travel insurance with a cancer diagnosis. You should tell your consultant your holiday dates and if possible they will try and tailor his treatment to let the holiday go ahead if possible. It is expensive though. My son had a brain tumour and his dad took him to turkey for a last holiday. It went right to the wire, blood tests on the morning of travel to see if he was well enough. But he went and I'm so glad he did.

Look for insurance companies that will cover peoplewith cancer.

PrawnBhuna · 19/04/2018 16:28

Sorry to hear your update @Alicantine & thanks for remembering me. I don’t think it’s cancer for me but all still up in the air. My next appt isn’t til the 30th but that’s my choice, I was offered a date this week but didn’t want to cancel holiday plans. I’m enjoying my holiday and focusing on the here and now.

Hope you get to see your dad, keep positive Flowers

Maddiemademe · 19/04/2018 16:57

I am so so sorry to hear your sad update. Wishing you both lots of love and positive thoughts Flowers

BasilFaulty · 19/04/2018 17:05
Flowers
LakieLady · 19/04/2018 17:08

Fingers crossed for reassuring news on Saturday, OP. Flowers

Accountant222 · 19/04/2018 17:10

I had one of those phone calls, they spoke to my husband first and they told him I needed to go to hospital immediately but wouldn't say why. I wouldn't let him come, he'd been trying it on with one of my friends so things were strained to say the least.

It was deep vein thrombosis, I'd only been complaining about my leg for 14 years

incywincybitofa · 19/04/2018 22:35

Oh Alicante so sorry.
If practical helps you get through one thing you could do is see if they will let you transfer the flight dates as a goodwill gesture. They might no matter what the small print says- but they might not.
Who knows it could be what you need to look forward to in a year's time.
x

MagicJay · 20/04/2018 19:40

Good luck tomorrow, OP. I was diagnosed with cancer and I'm still here.

My advice is to take lots of notes in your meeting tomorrow; it's so hard to take everything in.

seventh · 20/04/2018 20:24
Thanks
Frazzled2207 · 20/04/2018 20:49

So sorry to hear this shitty news. This part right now is likely to be one of the most difficult, when you don't really know what's going on and there is no "plan" as yet. I felt in this situation with my own df six years ago. He's had his ups and downs but is mostly doing great and cancer free.

Hand holding for you

Penfold007 · 21/04/2018 08:10

@alicantine sorry for the delay. DH is nearly 18 months from diagnosis. He had surgery to remove the tumours, recovery took a while but he's doing really well. Lots of check ups which really made us both very anxious initially but we've relaxed a bit now.
I really hope you all get to see your parents Flowers