Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To insist to accompany dh to x ray results, possibly cancer

257 replies

Alicantine · 10/04/2018 00:48

I know it cannot possibly be a good news, but he wants to go on his own to hear the news and I am really upset at the thought.

Here is the background: The hospital rang this morning saying the doctor needed to speak to him urgently and he needs to be there tomorrow (well later today Tuesday 10th April) 3pm. He has had blood in his urine for months but only told me recently. As soon as he told me, I booked a gp appointment for him (about a month and a half ago). When he went the Gp said he needed some tests made and he made a referral. X ray tests were last Friday and they said he should expect the results within 7 to 10 days.
However, today Monday they called home several times (we were out) and we picked up the fourth call in the afternoon as soon as we came back. And they said "you need to come urgently tomorrow 3pm".

Am I right to think this can only be a bad news?

He is adamant he is going on his own, whereas I feel I need to be there.

Sorry for my syntax and order information I do not want to drip feed but I have tears just writing this as I love him so much and I am so scared of losing him

He's 39 and I'm 38. We've been married for 18 years. We have six children together that we love dearly. He is a great dad to them he has his own business and always manages to be there for them and help me with everything I need. I also run a different business and we've been doing great lately. Our relationship had had its fair share of us and downs, but I can honestly say that in all these years he's been my rock, and we haven't had nothing major in the past three years or so, if not more. We laugh, joke, and talk every day, and we always make sure we both know how much we count for the other one.

I believe it would be scandalous for him to go on a test results appointment like this without his wife. But at the same I want to respect his wishes and not upset him. I just don't know what to do to help him right now. If anyone has been in a similar situation or could advise me it'd be great.

I read testimonials of people preparing themselves to attend a cancer test results appointment and most of them say they were happy that someone was there with them, to ask the questions they didn't think about... I told him and he was like "I'm not like everyone, I want to go on my own" :(. What should I do?

OP posts:

TheHobbyKing · 10/04/2018 08:20

Oh OP it’s so difficult. I went with DH and have for every appointment as you remember different things and have different questions.

Are you seeing an oncologist? We saw a surgeon first who said yes it looked like cancer then we got an oncology referral who then went through the treatment plan. It’s a lot of information to take in and we had a lot to read.

Have you got any childcare? If it does turn out to be cancer Macmillan have got some lovely books and information about how to tell the DC.

Good luck.

Maddiemademe · 10/04/2018 08:21

Just want to wish you and your DH good luck. No words of wisdom I am afraid but I will be thinking of you today.

Tiddlywinks63 · 10/04/2018 08:23

It's difficult isn't it op?
Personally I wouldn't want my DH there because I'd be having to check his reaction rather than focus on me and what's happening. He's not good at listening either.
Fingers crossed for you all 💐

Loveanamechange · 10/04/2018 08:26

OP, on a really practical note, he might not remember all the info. I recorded every single consultants meeting on my phone. I was pretty calm, but myself and DH remembered different parts of the conversation. It’s just what happens. I would tell him you respect his wishes, but urge him to tape it via voice memo app on his phone. It’s helpful for going back and getting the right info/reassurance etc

MrsPear · 10/04/2018 08:31

Respect his wishes.

My h is a worrier and also I have re explain usually. It is too much. I would rather deal with stuff on my own.

Tentomidnight · 10/04/2018 08:32

I have no advice, but hope it's not the news you fear.
It must be very difficult to find the time to talk properly as a couple with 6 children, so hope you can find some space and time.

sweetsweetlovin · 10/04/2018 08:34

Good luck op

Please let us know how he gets on. I'll be thinking about you both today

TheWernethWife · 10/04/2018 08:44

When my partner was diagnosed with cancer they went in alone and I stayed outside in the waiting room. They had time to process the diagnosis with the consultant and the McMillan nurse and then someone came out to get me.

italiancortado · 10/04/2018 09:05

My first thought was that he is trying to protect you. And you mentioned DC's, would they have been going along as well? Maybe he just feels like he has to be strong for the family

Original poster

Alicantine · 10/04/2018 11:10

Ok I have a new development.

All day I didn't bring the subject and we just got on with our daily tasks. He then took me aside about 30 minutes ago and said "ok, come with me this afternoon".

I'm glad he came to this decision on his own without any further pressure. He said that I will be able to make sense of what they say and ask the right questions.

To answer the questions by some of the previous posters :

yes I agree he might have refused originally to protect me and also to be able to process the info better. I think all the reasons for wanting to be on his own that I have read so far on this thread were, and still are, totally valid. Hence why reading the comments made it so easy for me to just respect his wishes. As it made a lot of sense.

-no I wouldn't have brought the six of them but baby would have needed to come as she's 8 weeks and still exclusively breastfed. But still, I appreciate it was worrying

OP posts:

Original poster

Alicantine · 10/04/2018 11:17

Sorry posted too early. I meant I appreciate it would have been worrying with all of them nearby.

I was thinking about the concern raised by one of you about him hiding this problem for so long and how it could be linked to his initial refusal of me attending. I thought that was a very valid comment. To be fair I don't think he has any intention to lie to me after the appointment, but most certainly yes he would have downplayed the diagnostic I'm sure...

Well. Now I'll know anyway. Thanks a lot for the nice thoughts and I'll update later today I hope with nothing like what I'm imagining.

Thanks a lot again.

OP posts:

sycamore54321 · 10/04/2018 11:31

I would have agreed with the majority and it seems like you were wise to take that advice.

On the "come with me", I'd continue to be mindful of his wishes this afternoon. Obviously accompany him in the car, then confirm he'd like ou to come to the waiting room, and again that he'd like you to come into the appointment room. It might be that his feelings waiver or change, and so don't take offence if he decides he'd like you to wait outside for the initial part of the appointment, for example.

I am very private about medical things too and I would probably feel like your husband. I know it doesn't seem "fair" when you've probably shared lots of intimate medical moments with him while having your children. But his body, his choice. As someone said earlier, it may well be the only thing he feels is under his control at this appointment.

Best wishes to you both, and I really hope it's not as bad as you fear.

UnderslungBowlingBall · 10/04/2018 11:32

Everything crossed for you and your DH OP, hope it's not bad news.

lougle · 10/04/2018 11:34

Good luck

Doremisofarsogood · 10/04/2018 11:36

Was just about to post and say as hard as it will be, respect his wishes. Then I read that he wants you to go with him after all! I hope that the news isn't as bad as you are hoping, will be thinking of you x

LimonViola · 10/04/2018 11:40

So glad you decided to respect his wishes. As difficult as it is for you, you have to respect how he, the patient, wants to approach this. And the fact he has a right to have his medical treatment and appointments in private :)

Wishing you both well for today.

CoperCabana · 10/04/2018 11:40

Hope it goes ok and is not the news you fear.

LimonViola · 10/04/2018 11:41

Oh, I read first page then skipped to the end. Seems it's resolved :)

incywincybitofa · 10/04/2018 11:44

I hope that today goes smoothly for you.
There are some practicalities, if he has cancer which you may want to ask the Macmillan nurse at a later date, if/when he does have radiotherapy and you are still breastfeeding there are risks around exposure you may need to explore.
And from that I wouldn't read too much into him not worrying you about symptoms during your pregnancy and early days after birth, I think many would try and protect you in that time.

StormcloakNord · 10/04/2018 11:47

I was typing out a reply then read the update - glad you're going together, OP. Good luck for later

patstar · 10/04/2018 11:54

Good luck this afternoon and I'm glad you will be with each other

strawberrysparkle · 10/04/2018 11:58

Good luck this afternoon

bananaskin123 · 10/04/2018 12:08

Good luck to you both for this afternoon and the news is not as bad as you fear.

glitterbiscuits · 10/04/2018 12:11

Best of luck to you both. I’m sure time will drag until the appointment, these things should only be ever done at the crack of dawn to get it done with!

Wattonearth · 10/04/2018 12:13

Good luck at least you will be together

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11