To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

That's okay @fallinggreenleaves - I understand where you were coming from. But please rest assured that I am doing everything I can to fix this. Thank you for apologising and for the

Thank you all so much. You have been unbelievably kind. @FreiasBathtub your post resonated with me so much and helped me to reread the previous replies with fresh eyes and trust a little more that things could get better for me too. I have been really honest with my mental health team and they're stepping up their support. Hospitalisation is the next stage but there are no mother and baby units where I am so we're all going to do our best to avoid that if we can. My DP has been amazing and taken such good care of DS today despite having a horrible cold.

Well done for telling your MH team - it sounds like they got the message. You're far better off just saying exactly how you feel rather than trying to hide it - IME sometimes just saying it lessens the feeling.

When I had PND I didn't need to be hospitalised but I've spoken to others who were and they all had a generally positive experience of it - when it's necessary it really is the best option and it put all of them on the road to recovery so if it does become necessary then you know it will be a positive thing in the long run.

What's your DS doing at the moment?

Well done for telling them, that's something good you did for you and your dp and your baby

That's a great step forward OP. Thinking of you today

Good for you, OP. I can't imagine how hard you must be finding everything, but from where I'm standing you're doing brilliantly.

@Spaghettijumper He's with my DP, crying because he's got wind! Hopefully he should settle soon. DP is taking good care of him.

Aw poor thing. My DD was very windy too and a terrible crier. Any sign of teeth yet?

Well done for being honest, OP, that was really brave. It's so difficult to admit that you're not coping with motherhood, especially when you have a longed for baby.

OP i just want to give you a big hug.

I was very similar to you (my son is 15 months now).

Obviously are situations are not the same but I identify with so much of what you have written.

I was so excited to be a mum and loved pregnancy but when my son arrived I just felt numb and like I was going through the motions. Of course I cared for him and would do anything to protect him from harm. I just didn't get that rush of love.
Instead I felt anxious and hated myself.

I found it difficult to feel a bond. He had bad colic and screamed pretty much all day. I was so unhappy. My days just dragged and I dreaded being on my own with him. I felt so guilty and resentful.

One day I just sat crying in my car and just wished for it all to go away. I didn't get why I wasn't enjoying it like other mums I knew.

I told my GP & HV and they recommended me for counselling. It did help a little but wasn't the miracle I somewhat unrealistically expected.

I am also still on meds.

It didn't get better overnight and I do still have bad days but it's so different from the early days. I actually feel like my old self. As my son has gotten older the bond had definitely formed and I can honestly say I adore him now.
I think I just didn't enjoy the baby stage. Now he smiles and laughs at me and is over the colic I find it a lot easier.

I honestly know what you are going through but I promise you, it does get easier and you will adapt. Please be kind to yourself. The fact that you are asking for help and posting on here shows you care. It's ok to hate being a mum. It's bloody hard work and takes a long while to get used to for some of us.

Op you really are fucking ace! Very few people have the balls to own up to this.
I avoided being admitted by the skin of my teeth. God knows how I got through it but I did and although I love my son I still don't quite "click". Maybe that's still to come. Take each hour as it comes. You WILL do this and you're a great mum for asking for help and taking it!!! Loads of strangers are rooting for you lovely x

You are doing Fucking Amazing OP!!! I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you really are! Keep just taking one day at a time Xxxxx

Morning OP! Been thinking about you all night (can't sleep) your love for your little man comes through so clearly in everything you write. Being a parent is so bloody hard, nobody ever tells you the crap bits and our images of other people's lives are always much more idyllic than our own. Life is crap at times, for some people it stinks a lot of the time!

You will get there, small steps to feeling well again. You've made such positive steps by seeking help - it's something some ladies never do, please feel proud that you've searched for help. You're doing fab! The little chap has a strong Mummy

Dear OP, nothing original or new to add, but I wanted to tell you how brave and honest and strong you are.
Like so many others, I was where you are now. I wasn't brave enough to get help, and that is something I will always regret. You are doing all you can to make things better, and one day you will get there.
When my first one was little, I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been, how irresponsible to create this human being who had no choice but to depend on me. I couldn't imagine a day that I'd ever enjoy being in his company.
6 months down the line, my husband came home from work one day and I realised I hadn't cried for the entire day. 6 months after that, I started looking forward to picking him up from nursery after a day at work. And now, although he's a stroppy teenager, there's no-one I'd rather spend time with than him and his brother and his dad. My family.
You will get there, in your own time. Little positives will creep up on you, and you'll start to see good things again.

I posted earlier but just wanted to add something else I just remembered helped me-coming off social media. I only have close family and friends on Facebook so they mostly knew what I was going through yet I remember a couple of posts along the lines of 'wow (baby's name) weighs (X lb Y oz) at Z weeks old! Isn't mummy milk just the best?!' and 'god I love this little man so much I could eat him up' actually made me suicidal. Just a thought.

I hope you are ok and just wanted to say that you are not alone. Lots of people go though hard times like this.
My dad always says that nothing lasts forever, and the tide can only go out so far and then it has to come back in.

I’m hoping you get the support you need. Thinking of you and your family and you definitely do love your son, caring for him is love. Best wishes x

Morning @NameChangeMama. Just checking in. Glad to hear you were able to be really honest with your MH team. So important and incredibly brave. This, too, is love for your son. Motherhood is full of doing scary things because it's right for your kid, but nothing has ever been (or I think will ever be) as scary as going to the doctor and saying I believed I was going to hurt DD or myself and I didn't know how to stop it. I thought they'd take her away - part of me wanted them to - and I couldn't stand the shame of it. (They didn't.)

One other thing - my recovery was cyclical, not linear. I would feel a bit better, then a bit worse, then better again. At first, I found the 'slip backs' terrifying but as the time between them got longer I could see that they weren't actually terrible in themselves. Rather, they were scary because I was worried it was the beginning of me going back to where I started - but it never was. Each time you recover a little, you are developing and exercising your ability to recover again. The setbacks are part of the process, not the end of a recovery. I hope that makes sense! I don't know if it's the same for everyone but it's definitely something that happened to me.

Hugs.

Mama, sending you lots of luck and please let us know how your doing.
take care.

DratThatCat cat is spot on. For me it was 6 months too when I felt anything. I wanted him adopted! I wasn't well. Traumatic bith, flashbacks, anxiety, insomnia etc. Massive regrets.

My Health Visitor supported me for 6 months. I gave birth at 41. Took me ages to heal pyhsically and mentally. It is really hard work being a parent. Simply exhausting and I am not fit at all.

The fog cleared, slowly. And I now have that rush of love that everyone promised would happen when he was first born. I really felt nothing for ages but did not admit it to many people. I was scared. Hold on in there. Please. You are doing all you need to do. And be kind to yourself.

Hope you are doing ok mama and have spoken to your GP x

This is NOT your fault. The things you have said absolutely scream depression. Please go back to your doctor and ask for a higher dose anti-depressant (they often start you on a low dose) or a different type (I found escitalopram wonderful).

I think you may really feel different if he slept during the day - he should be napping about 3 times a day I think. I sympathise as my DD hated sleeping during the day but there is lots of advice on here about ways to try to get them sleeping.

All the best to you. I bet you anything you will love him once the depression has been resolved.

My best friend had terrible postnatal depression last year and I didn’t know until she told me because she was so good at hiding it. I’ve felt so guilty since she told me, I wish that I could have helped, I wish she had told me. You’re doing all the right things in getting help. It will get better.

Help me love my baby - Zoe and Izzy is a documentary available on YouTube which follows a mum going through a very similar issue, and shows the support she gets.
Hope you get lots of support from the MH team. You might find it interesting/helpful to see how you are not alone in feeling like this
(Apologies if this posts twice, Phone playing up)

Hi everyone. I wanted to come back and update this thread for two reasons: one, because I'm so grateful to you all for your support and your wonderful kindness, and two, because I want to provide a resolution for anyone who stumbles across this thread during a desperate google like I did so often.

I changed a few details in my post because I was so ashamed of the way I was feeling: the main one was that I have a DD rather than a DS.

Just as you all promised it would, things have changed completely. Thanks to your advice, I went back to my GP and was really honest with my mental health team. They upped my dose and stepped up the support. Now three months on and I've been completely discharged because I'm doing so much better. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and although I will need to be on medication for a while, I feel like myself again.

And the best part is my daughter. I am so head over heels in love with her that it makes me want to burst. I love every minute I spend with her. Truly. Even the 4am feeds and the early morning wake ups, even when she's grizzly, even when I'm so tired I feel sick. She's just a joy, and I honestly love her more every day.

I never dreamed this could happen for me. Even when I read of it happening to other people I thought "it won't happen to me, I'm not ill, I'm just an awful person". But I WAS ill and now I'm doing so much better and being a mum is the best thing I've ever done with my life.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness. You were so patient and understanding, and you helped more than you can know. I was desperate when I posted here but being met with such a wall of love and empathy gave me the strength I needed to keep going. And I'm so glad I did.

And for anyone reading this who feels the way I did: please get help. You are not a bad Mum, you are ill. It is incredibly treatable. And you will get better. Even if you think you won't, you will. And it's so worth it.

What an incredible update NameChange, thank you so much for sharing. I was reading your post and thinking how familiar it sounded - I remember thinking if my daughter just quietly passed away it would be best for everyone. I shudder that thought could cross my mind now, and hoped that you'd be feeling the same way soon. So so happy to hear you're through the worst. Keep taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself and your lovely family. You're remarkable x x

Wow, amazing update.
So happy for you and your family☺