To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

Keep talking OP we are all thinking of you. You are doing the right thing taking the medication and being honest with all the healthcare professionals about how you feel it's the only way that they can help you if they have all the facts.

Hi everyone,
Can we again remind all of those on this thread that MN is primarily a place of support, even on AIBU?

Hope today is a bit better for you, OP. more , more , more sympathy and empathy!

PS everyone, remember if you C&P deleted posts, we will zap them too...

So I give advice essentially the same as every else just worded differently get rudeness back? Ummmm okay

The mental health team are coming out again today. I wish I could figure out what would help as I'm just falling apart and I know something needs to change. I cry whenever I'm in the same room as my son. My DP is wonderful and has assured me that he's not going anywhere - but he has a job, he can't stay off forever. All I want to do is be given a magic tablet that takes all this pain and turmoil away. But there isn't one.

@whereswaldo that's exactly how I feel. It's him or me. But I could never hurt him so it will have to be me. He's beautiful and innocent and perfect. I couldn't ask for a better baby and I do love him. I just don't know how to take care of him and keep living. If I could look ahead and see that my DP would meet someone else and be happy and that they would take care of DS I would end it now. But the thought of leaving my DP alone and hurting is agonising. This takes up most of my headspace most of the day.

Glad to hear the MH team are coming. Tell them what you've written here.

Have you eaten today?

Stay strong op, you will get better. It's so hard having a baby and PND on top of that can make things seem unbearable. But like others have said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You won't feel like this forever! Just concentrate on getting through each hour for now, don't think ahead. You can do this!

I wish I could give you a hug OP. How the MH team can help a little- just try to get through day to day. There’s no magic tablet but there are other ones, and you might find that something works much better than what you have right now.

fallinggreenleaves the point is that you're making the OP feel worse at a time when she's very vulnerable, contemplating suicide. She's already feeling completely rotten, all you're doing is judging her for if. That's not the way to help them with depression of any sort. The OP is getting help, she just wants the pain to go away. I've been where she is.

I don't see why it's hard for you to understand why we're objecting to your posts tbh.

fallinggreenleaves I remember reading your post yesterday. It reminded me of DM telling me how lovely DS was, how lucky I was and how it wasn’t nice for him to see my crying. She used to pick him up, take him out of the room and scowl at me. It all made me feel EVEN MORE SHIT. It didn’t help AT ALL. No one wants to feel like the OP does but many of us have. That’s not hard to grasp is it?

I completely understand why people are reacting angrily to the offensive poster but I don’t think the thread should be derailed by responding to them. I know I’m not the thread police but it might be more helpful to the OP to keep the focus on her.

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That’s me told then . Good luck OP hopefully the MH team will be able to help you today and more long term. Hang in there

Just be honest with your team, OP, and remember that you do deserve help and you deserve to ask for it.

It is so obvious from your posts how much you adore both your baby and your DP. You have a great deal to give them. Hang in there.

Honestly I know exactly how you feel. I could have written your post 6 months ago.
I’d actually convinced myself that my whole family would be better off without me. I was a burden.
All I can say is I can absolutely promise you it WILL get better.
I know you think it won’t. It’s still fresh in my mind. I’m not saying it will be easy or happen over night. It took me 20 months for it to all finally click into place.
Please just hang on in there one day at a time. Keep talking, keep getting all the help you can.
You can do this x

OP please switch your meds. I'm on sertraline and it's fab. You have been so brace admitting you're struggling. Just be honest with your GP and they will help you.

I had PND and severe anxiety when I went back to work after my 2nd child. I was off work for 12 weeks. I recovered but then relapsed last autumn. I'm on sertraline high dose for life now.

You can recover from this x good luck.

This post makes me so mad and sad not at you OP of course but this myth that is peddled around that love should be instant for a Mum and you are a bad Mum if you don’t feel this way. Nearly everyone I know did not have that instant rush of love and I am beginning to think it is a myth said by mums who want to seem perfect or at least rare.
The truth is so many mums have traumatic births, most that could have been presented with better care and support, then you have the nightmare that is the post natal ward.

I feel the same as you op, I even looked up adoption. from 18 months it gradually got better and now my DS is 4 and I have loved the Easter holidays with him.

I think I would have done a lot better if there had not been the expectation of instant love and people telling me it would be the hardest but also the best thing I had done. Until mothers can admit all this without fear of being ostrocisted or fearing that social services with take their baby away then many mothers will continue to feel like crap.

I'm on sertraline high dose as well, @rainbowfudgee probably for life as well, because of my PTSD. I was on fluoxetine in the past, which just made me feel lethargic. The sertraline works well for me. It's often a question of finding the right medication. And you mustn't feel like you're bothering them, they're there to help you, OP.

fallinggreenleaves you may be judging the op but bare in mind most of us are seriously judging your lack of empathy. One day you may feel like this, maybe not over a child but something else. If you do (and I hope not as I would not wish this feeling on anyone) then I hope you remember how you must have made the op feel today.

NameChangeMama just wanted to add my experiences to the thread. Another PND survivor. You can do this. Everything you are writing, I could have written. My DD is 3.5 now and it's fine. She's fine. We have a great relationship, even though I spent the first 5-6 months bitterly regretting ever having children and wishing she was gone, or I was.

Don't underestimate how long it takes to recover from a traumatic birth. I still get flashbacks, often from the WEIRDEST things. It's been easier since I've tried to stop telling myself I 'should be over it' and just embraced that I might never be. And that's allowed.

Also, I want to tell you that you absolutely are giving your son everything he needs right now. When they're this little, they need to be clothed, fed, cleaned and held. You are doing all that, with DP's help. You DO love him - that strong protective instinct is how my love for DD started (and I'm not even sure I had that at 13 weeks) and he will know that. Your relationship with him will grow and develop over years and years. These early days are a drop in the ocean. Really, truly, you are giving him everything he needs.

TBH the mental health crisis team were the least useful part of my recovery. I saw a different person every visit and their main priority seemed to be that I wouldn't kill myself or my baby before the next visit. I had no sense that they were actually trying to help me get better. Finding the right drugs (for me, Sertraline) and some long-term therapy was what worked for me. Is there any chance you could see a therapist? I know in my NHS trust there's a specialist team for perinatal mental health, they were brilliant.

Sending so many thoughts your way. One day at a time is good advice from a PP, and keep posting here if it helps. I remember reading these posts on MN when I was at my lowest point and thinking 'but none of them were as awful as I am, so it won't be ok for me like it was for them'. It was. It truly was.

Think of you today OP

Remember, one day at a time.
More than 24 hours have passed since you shared your story with us. That's one more day closer to feeling like yourself again x

@NameChangeMama the first few months were hardest for me as my DD was such hard work and felt like I got nothing back for it. However around 4+ months she slowly started interacting with me more in her own ways, little gummy smiles, then giggles, then starting to copy and learn things. At 10 months now I'm completely and utterly in love with her. I hope this gives you some hope for the future with your darling boy

You sound strong. You will make it through this xxx

I haven't rtft, but I know I posted something similar with both my children.

People also came on with buckets of sympathy and understanding. It was so helpful. And so bloody obvious I had hideous PND.

I actually broke my hand in frustration hitting a wall as my son wouldn't stop crying. The agony of that despair will never leave me.

My HV was ok, but tbh things just evolved with more sleep and time moving on. Just one foot in front of the other and knowing that it wouldn't always be like this.

It's ten years later for me now and I can honestly say my children just get better and better. I find it hard to think back about how bloody miserable I was, and what a shit mum I was.

But it honestly just does get better. I still think of one response to one of my threads and it was how a poster would just lock themselves in the bathroom to escape and not lash out as she wanted. She then went on to say that basically the buggers would follow them, and how she'd look down under the door and they'd be little hands and sometimes a paw reaching out to her.

As a dog owner I thought this was really sweet and still cheers me up now.

Don't be afraid to keep posting. So much of what you're saying resonates with lots of us

Well I'm very sorry if I caused offence op it was not my intention and I really hope you feel back to yourself soon