To hate being a mum

[NameChangeMama]

My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.

I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.

I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.

I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.

To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.

I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.

I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.

I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.

I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.

Means your a rational human being

Oh and to add, I thought about adoption for DS, I just knew what I was feeling wasn’t right for him. Not helped by my DM constantly telling me how lucky I was and to stop being silly

Oh OP. I cried when I read your post. I would cheerfully have given my son away. I don't remember much of his first few months as I was in a fog. I struggled with everything and DH was no help. When I told him I thought I was suffering with depression he told me I didn't know what depression was ! I know now it was PND. Slowly things got better and when I had my second child I was fine. My DS and I are very close but I still feel guilty I did not love him straight away. Hang in there and be kind to yourself

I felt exactly the same way. I daydreamed about throwing both me and him off of a bridge. I was in such constant, skin-shredding pain, I felt sure that I was actually dying. I know this can’t help you right this instant, can’t do anything to make your nerves stop thrumming, but fast forward to now, where my son is two, and I am in love with him. Spinning around, whirl him in the air, love love love. How you feel now does not set the future. This bit is AWFUL. Hang in, grit your teeth, get as much help as you can. It gets better, so so much better, I promise x

Hi OP.

I have been lurking here and while, as I am a similar age to you, but I am still undecided about the whole kids thing. This is the first time I have felt compelled to post.

How was your mood during your cycle, pre Pregnancy? I am asking because your bleak feelings sound, very, very familiar to me. I really felt the need to post, just in case you have the same problem as me, and I think it's at least worth investigating.

I have PMDD, (where my the onset of my period makes me feel just as you do now) . I discovered this after being forced to go off the pill a few years back (which I had been on since I was 18) - My GP decided that I could no longer take the pill due to migranes.

Anyway, being exposed to my natural cycle again, after 13 years, took me to a very, very dark place indeed for about 10 days of every month (I really relate to the bit where the thought of upsetting your DP was the only thing keeping you here).

My GP was utterly useless when I tried to explain that my depression was related to my cycle, so I eventually had to hunt down a private doctor in London who specialised in hormonal treatment for PMDD.

He has warned me that it's the same problem that causes PND; estrogen drops and progesterone rises, this makes ordinary women feel a bit moody, but if you're one of the small numbers of women who are sensitive to progesterone it really sends you over the edge.
I've been on hormonal treatment for two years now and it's a relief not to have 7-10 days a month where I am disturbingly depressed.

It might not be your issue, but if you also used to feel like this in the lead up to your period, then it might be worth you looking into.

I hope you feel better soon.

Didn't RTFT

You are definitely a loving mum, otherwise why would you care to post?

PND is a fucker, I've been there. It's not your fault. Your hormones are going nuts having this new little person in your life. They need you, they need you so so much. So make sure you get the best care and take all the help you can get...

You will be fine. You will look back and be shocked. You will love every minute of the baby once you're better (apart from a few shitty moments).

I didn’t love my son when he was born, I liked him and he was cute but there wasn’t that rush of love, it did come though so try not to worry about it.

I’ve found people who want children the most struggle the most and it’s probably down to expectation vs reality. At the end of the day babies are boring, you might find you feel better in time as you can do more with him.

Do you go to mum and baby groups? Even just to break the day up and talk to others in the same place as you.

Do you have hobbies? Your life shouldn’t revolve around baby, you could draw or craft etc being able to do something for yourself should ease the being trapped feeling a baby brings.

Keep taking anti depressants and speak to gp in case you need to change them. Be honest with health visitor, they can’t help you if you’re not honest.

OP, you want to protect your son which means you love him. You just don’t see it now due to depression.
You are a great mother - even feeling the way you do now you don’t leave your son crying.
It will become better and you will understand how great you are and how much you love him.

OP I didn't want to read and run. It will get better. I too had an extremely traumatic birth in my second pregnancy (I miscarried during my first pregnancy and had to give birth). I barely saw my LO after giving birth and was rushed off for surgery and emergency transfusion. I didn't see my LO for another 12 hours and then couldn't hold her for another day due to drips etc. My GP knew before I did I was depressed. It will get better and don't be afraid to call your gp, mental health team or some of the help
Groups that have been suggested here. I found a bit of support with a local support group where I felt i could speak and they would get it. Big hugs

Oh OP - I hope you get something from having posted on here. Having a baby is so, so hard, and I think the expectation of being flooded with love from the first moment just makes it harder. My little one is nearly two now and I love him more than anything - but for me the first six months were mainly survival and a recurrent feeling of guilt that I didn’t just LOVE this tiny, demanding, relentless little alien creature. You are doing your best, and it’s okay to need help.

How are you feeling today Mama?

My gynaecologist told me the same thing undecided84 that some women react severely to progesterone and in the worst scenarios it can make them suicidal. I also suffered with PMDD like you and had severe PND. Another thing to watch out for is when you hit the perimenopause because the hormonal fluctuations can cause a reoccurance of your PND symptoms too. Not nearly enough people are aware of the very real dangers of progesterone intolerance to some women. The gynaecologist I saw told me she knew of several women who had committed suicide as a result of PND and PMDD

@fallinggreenleaves I have taken responsibility for myself. I am on several kinds of medication and under constant review with a mental health team which includes a doctor. I am well aware that my DS needs more than I can currently give him and it's that fact which makes me suicidal. This is not about me resenting having to give up my life! I wish I could explain it to you in a way that would stop you ever making things worse for another woman with PND but I'm not sure I can. But believe me, I know I'm failing my son. I think about it almost constantly. I am doing everything I can to get better.

@Undecided84 That is really interesting, thank you. I had recently started taking the progesterone-only contraceptive pill and noticed a dip in my mood after about a week. I've stopped taking it now to see if it helps. I'm also on my first period since having my DS so that could be contributing.

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support. I don't know how to reply to you all but please know how much I appreciate it.

Things are worse today. My DP stayed off work as I hit a bit of a crisis point after posting yesterday. I'm not sure where to go from here. I just want this all to stop.

falling, what ignorant and hurtful things to say to someone who is vulnerable.

Ignore falling, OP. Thank you for coming back on. Can you talk to your HV/team again today and tell them you're feeling worse? They were there to support you yesterday and they will do it again –it's what they're there for.

Oh op my heart goes out to you,is dp supportive? Can you take a break,remember what it's like just to be you(not a mum,wife.etc...) Please don't feel guilty(or at least try not to ),for feeling the way you do. Can you call gp,and say it's up most important you see him/her asap.

mama sorry to hear that today is particularly bad. It’s such a dreadful illness. Do seek help today if you feel at crisis point. You will be well again in time- although I know that isn’t much comfort at the moment

(Reported offensive post from last night)

I was you 2.5 years ago so 100% empathise with how you are feeling.i had such feelings of rage towards my son, my DH and everyone else.

I tried everything: HV course, CBT, Accupuncture and a year of therapy and while there were slight improvements it was still horrific. I genuinely had feelings of ‘its Him or me and child killers have a tough time in prison- so it will be me.

In january when my son was 2 years old I was diagnosed with PND. 24 hours after starting Sertraline I felt completely different ( I know this is unusual but it definitely wasn’t placebo) I didn’t need to try and control myself any more- I just was better and more able to enjoy him.

I said to the GP ‘ drugs can’t make me love him’ and her response was that levelling out the chemical imbalance would allow those feelings to surface- within a week my son actually looked sparkly to me.

It was like putting on a pair of glasses for the first time.

Drugs might not be helping yet but persever- it will get better.

The first period I had after having my daughter, the sweat was pouring down my face like Christy Moore. I had to sleep on bath towels. The hormones were so intense. I would definitely say that it has something to do with yesterday.

Please hang on, it will get better. It has to. Sending good wishes your way today x

But I also wouldn't be able to live with myself not knowing if he was okay or not, being worried that he wasn't safe and loved and warm. As much as I struggle to feel bonded to him, I DO feel a very intense desire to protect him - I can't ever leave him to cry - and I would die if he was hurt because of my pathetic weakness.

That's love.

If you're suffering from PND, it's likely that your emotions and hormones are all over the place - I had three days of crying worrying that my days old baby might get cancer at some (no reason - we don't really have a family history of it, he has no health issues). Heck, look at my username. My son is a toddler now, and I love motherhood, but I had my moments.

My best friend admitted that she didn't really feel like she loved her daughter until she was about two - she was a great mother, looking after her baby, she wanted to do a good job, but she said that she felt like a robot. Her daughter is 15 now and they have a great relationship.

Remember that depression is an illness like any other - seek help, look after yourself, and accept the support of those that love you. Again, you are not weak, you're ill!

xx

Just wanted to offer you my total support, OP.

I haven't managed to RTFT but just wanted to add my experience in case it helps at all. I felt exactly like you after having my fourth baby. For me it was definitely triggered by not being able to breastfeed as I'd fed all my others. I felt like if I couldn't bf then I had no need to here (or even to eat, for a while) I felt I couldn't justify being a SAHM anymore. I would have had him adopted if it hadn't been for my dh and other children. Felt having him had been the biggest mistake ever and had ruined my life.
He will be 2yo next month and I won't lie, I'm not there yet like some PPs but it is much, much better and I can see a future now. Things that helped me were- the mantra 'fake it til you make it' I knew what I should be doing in terms of caring for him and it sounds like you do too, so just go through the motions and reassure yourself you are not doing your baby any harm. Acknowledge every tiny achievement, write it down even. For me, I really struggled with how different things were this time. My others all bf on demand, slept on me, coslept etc...this one didn't even like to be held when I gave him his bottle. So if he fell asleep in the sling while out, I'd unwrap him and enjoy him sleeping on my chest for a few seconds before putting him in his car seat. The only few seconds of contentment all week. Small victories.
I think there's a huge hormonal aspect to this too. Breastfeeding really is designed to help you connect with your baby and it is so difficult when it doesn't work. I definitely needed, and still do, antidepressants to help restore the balance. It does sound like yours aren't helping as much as they should, please see your GP again. I also had some counselling which helped a bit. Right now my son is poorly and just wants 'Mum' and is cuddled up in bed with me. I really didn't think we'd manage to forge this kind of relationship but we're getting there and you will too
Sorry, that was long!