My DS is 13 weeks old. I'm in my late 30s and have wanted children my whole life. Had 2 miscarriages before DS. Enjoyed a very easy pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a mum. But I've hated every minute pretty much and I don't know what to do.
I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don't. I can objectively see that he's very cute but I love my nephew and my goddaughter far more than I love him.
I feed him, change him, dress him, talk to him, play with him. All the things you're supposed to do. But I hate every minute. I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can't be bothered.
I cry a lot of the day. When I'm not crying I feel numb. I broke down in front of my HV about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND and prescribed medication. It helped for a bit but now I'm back where I was. They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I'm making progress and can't really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I'm worried they'll take away my son. ( Actually if they did I'd be very relieved but I'd fear losing all my friends and family and my DP because of the social stigma. ) Besides, they can help with the depression but they can't make me love my son. Nobody can.
To answer some inevitable questions: it was a traumatic labour but I've recovered physically. I couldn't BF as he had a tongue tie and ended up back in hospital with dehydration. He cries every time he's naked or just in a nappy so I haven't ever done much skin to skin although I tried. He's developing normally as far as the HV can tell. He sleeps pretty well at night (although I don't as I'm too unhappy). He doesn't really nap during the day so I don't get any time away from him. My DP is amazing and does everything he can to help. He feels the same as me, just full of regret, but he can see a time when things will get better. I don't have any local family support or any local friends with children. I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal. I know that makes me a fucking monster.
I just can't imagine ever not feeling this way. All I can see ahead of me is more work, more stress, more broken sleep, more pain and more grinding boredom. 4 month sleep regression, teething, shorter naps, tantrums, always needing entertained - everything I thought I wanted I now can't bear the thought of.
I know I’m a terrible person. The worst. I guess that's why I've posted in AIBU as I know I'll get a kicking and I deserve it. I don't deserve my son and he deserves a better Mum, one who really loves him and isn't just going through the motions. I want to love him so desperately - I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don't and can't.
I wish I'd never, ever had a baby. I feel like the miscarriages were God's way of telling me I shouldn't and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.
I don't know what I'm asking for from this thread. Help I guess, although I don't know what anyone can do to help. Or maybe even just reassurance that someone else has felt this way and it won’t last forever? I just can’t imagine my life ever being anything but utterly shit ever again.