To be so sad I’ve never had children

[greenstripespinkdots]

To clarify, I am single and adoption etc isn’t an option ... I do feel I’m missing out and in particular I feel a bit excluded from most social events. Does this change as you get older still? At the moment, I can’t shake the horrible feeling I am looking at a very lonely future.

Honestly? I thought @sugarplumlairy was spot on.

I was in a similar situation, ie no kids but i did what was suggested and involved myself with friends and their LOs and concentrated on making the most of ME!

This obv changed for me and now I make sure not to exclude my friends without kids!

I am so very sorry greenstripepinkdots. Truly I didn't mean to hurt you,

I have known people who thought having a child would make their lives/relationships better when it did the opposite and left children in situations that were horribly unfair and damaging to them.

My own parents were determined I would be the answer to all their issues andthepressureto makethem happy was ridiculous, hencewe no longer have a relationship. So I'm sorry, I wasn't accusing you of anything just trying to say kids can't hold the responsibility to make you happy.

“Kids aren’t Prozac”

Anyway. Whatever. Apparently I’m not allowed to think having a partner and children of my own would be nice.

OP - you might like to have a browse through this thread, it helped me to see what I was not missing out on and appreciate what I have.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2731884-I-hate-having-kids

Greenstripes I am a foster carer and believe me it is exactly like being a parent.
I have a birth child and a foster child and I love them both equally. They are both my children and have a home with me for life.
Yes there is social services involvement with the foster child, lots of meetings and paperwork but the day to day life is, he is my child and I am his mum.
Granted this isn’t always the case with foster children but if you get the right match for your family then it can be.

Sorry if you're not finding this thread helpful op. I think it's really hard to judge the tone of these threads - sometimes the op is looking for encouragement that they can adopt/do donor sperms, etc, sometimes they're looking for reassurance that there is more to life than kids, sometimes they're just sad, sometimes they're angry. The responses you get cover people assuming all of those things. Of course it's shit your life hasn't turned out how you hoped and of course you have a right to feel sad about it. I hope things improve

I am telling you the things I am doing as I am looking at avoiding feeling very similar, getting older and no guarantee of family although it is very much wanted.

Join groups, get involved in scouts or other kids activities. They are ALWAYS looking for willing volunteers.
Generally, engage yourself in an altruistic way with your community. If you are not part of a community, join one. Volunteer to help teach refugees life skills, at your local church group, mentor at the local uni, whatever community appeals to you. You'll have to do the grunt work for a while, and as you learn the ropes and make friends, you will become enmeshed in the lives of many. Your 'children' will number in the hundreds, you will be able to applaud many successes.

Go for it, find a joyous life, there are many to be had.

No advice OP but Sugar is not being nasty, what she is saying is true and pretty supportive.

You can feel sad, of course you can. But don’t let it consume you.

The post as a whole might have been supportive but “kids aren’t Prozac” has really, really upset me to be honest and perhaps that is ridiculous but I don’t feel able to continue posting.

Keep posting OP, and Sugar has apologised for causing offence. I understand why you’re upset

I had less than ideal childhood and a strained relationhip with parents now, and live far away, so I'm obviously aware having kids wouldn't be an automatic close lifelong relationship.

I think for me it's not exactly a comforting thought, though. I had a fantasy of "doing things better with my own". I wanted the have the family I never had, I suppose. I wanted to get to do all the fun childhood stuff with my own kids that I didn't do as a kid. I know this is pretty common among people like me. I guess if you do actually go on to have kids you will find it IS a fantasy, and reality can be different, but when the choice is taken from you and you don't actually get to have the experience, it stays as an unfulfilled fantasy that's hard to let go.

Sorry, rambling... I often think my children are lucky not have been born, because of my mental health issues, and there not being any guarantees that I'd have had the resources to be the good parent I'd have wanted to be. But it doesn't make it easier to accept the loss of a dream.

Very good neighbours of mine got together older and couldn't have kids of their own.

They have fostered twins for about 6 years now - the DH died after a short illness (cancer) and the DM and the kids are as close as any family I know..... even with the issues that the kids came with (one has some SEN).

Don't rule it out OP - the kids know they are absolutely loved 100% and the more practical of the pair says "Mum - why would you need to adopt us when the money you get means you can be here for us more often?"

I'd second a move North and a few second thoughts about having missed everything at 40.

For the record - I do have a DD who was born when I was 40+3 and have had 4+ miscarriages, 2 IVF and 2 ICSI.

Like any disappointments in life you are allowed to feel however you feel about it. Of course you are going to feel sad that life hasn't turned out how you thought it would.
Now you need to concentrate on making the most of the life you do have but that isn't going to be something you come to terms with over night. It will get easier over time but you can help that with baby steps finding things that you do enjoy, trying new things and having a positive attitude to the things that you can do that those poor mum friends can't because of time or lack of finance. It won't be easy but you can carve out a good life for yourself. You might need to be proactive though.

Good luck

Look you've had some great advice here - give up your home and your job, move north where you don't know anyone and have no job, try and get pregnant though artificial means which we all know is super cheap or foster a child with challenging needs. Do all this in your early 40s with no partner. And remember that having kids is a bag of old shit anyway!

I think it's understandable to feel that way OP. If it helps you could read the thread on AIBU asking MNers why their teen hates them today and feel relieved that you've escaped 7 years of what sounds like absolute and total horror!

Really Lou?

When I was fostering my son it was nothing like being a mother.
Ok you got all the usual stuff of being up all night, loving them, feeding them, changing, dressing etc.
But I had no say in what happened to him. Horrible things were done by the state and his birth family and I had to hand him over.
Even after adopting him 13 years ago and loving him the same, its not the same as having a birth child.

OP
Yanbu. how could you be? Its your life and your feelings and I am sorry you are feeling so sad.

Please come back OP. There are posters on here trying to be kind and supportive.
I'd echo liminalitys comments. Much of the satisfaction from parenting is from altruistic caring, and whilst not the same, you can really get a lot out of volunteering - I'm a Guide Leader and love the time I spend there, the girls are great fun and it's very rewarding to feel I'm supporting them having positive experiences. I've made other adult friends too. If you have an interest in being around children, this is a nice, interactive way - doesn't require moving, if you were unwell you could take time out but would make a lasting difference to your own & others lives.
I have a child but had several years of thinking it wouldn't happen and it was an unhappy time for me, so I can truly sympathise.

Never say never, OP. You could meet someone and have a family still, if that is really what you want. There is still time. Sure, you might need help to conceive, but it's not impossible.

Would you like a relationship as well, or just a child?

Hi Greenstripes
I hope my post is of more help to you.

My 2 cents worth: as you are 40 (I am a good 5 years older than you), I think you need to make a decision. There is still time for you to have a child. You either try one way or another to have a child, or you make a decision that you will not be having a child.

If you make a clear decision about this then I think you will feel a bit better about it. And (as you have posted that you feel very sad about not having had a child so far in your life) if you decide or know in your heart that you absolutely want to have a baby, I think you should try.

I was fortunate and had children in my 30s. My sisters (for various reasons) were in your position a few years ago.

My elder sister who was very keen to have a baby in her 30s, made a conscious decision when she turned 40 that she no longer wanted children. She is single, developed a long term health condition that would prevent a healthy pregnancy in her late 30s. She considers herself 'child free'. A few years on she has developed a small circle of friends (male and female) who are also without children. I think she is at peace with her choice.

My younger sister (also single) and far less well off than the elder one, decided that she wanted to have a child. She has good health. She had never had a relationship and was very brave. She went down the donor sperm (from the US) and IVF route. It was expensive. It worked first try.

Although she is now a mother and her child is healthy and so on, it's not all rosy - after the baby was born the sheer amount of work, the need to respond to his endless waking up etc - she could not cope and she moved back into our family home and lives with our mother. Four years on and she now works 4 days a week and it is getting easier.

I do not know how the medical system works for you (here in Oz you need to pay for sperm and the US won't send sperm to your house - you have to use an IVF clinic but quite a bit is paid for through Medicare) but unless your health prevents you from carrying a child, there is no reason why you cannot decide to have a child and give it a try. 40 is not too old.

And now I think of it, over 10 years ago my cousin in north Europe had an IVF baby when she was over 40 - she also used donor sperm and was (and remained) single. She has no family help but I think there is a good system to assist parents in her country.

I understand your sadness, but you might overcome it by making a firm decision.

I don't
Why should it be?
Why is it insulting? Those kids have a mother. A lot of the time their mothers have given them dreadful care. A foster carer doesn't replicate that. They offer security, love and a professional aspect.

You can be loving and caring and not need the title of mum

TheFirst Because I know some incredible foster parents, some of whom don't have children of their own, some of whom look after children with incredible difficulties (mental and physical) and who are a damned sight better than some birth parents. The kids they foster don't call them "my foster carer"; they call them "my foster mum" or "my foster dad". If you said to them "sorry, you're a foster carer and not a mum" yes, I think they'd be insulted.

MrsDV a foster parent assumes the role of a parent. The Mother or the Father.

So it may be for a short time...it is STILL parenting in my book. I am not a foster parent but admire those who do it well. I am a Mother but I see that foster parents, are in loco parentis...in place of a parent.

That means showing affection, in some cases....love. The foster and foster parent relationship is different in each case with some going on as families for years!

OP - have you tried counselling in respect of not being able to have children (regardless of other MH issues)? I found it really helped me see, that sometimes you have to settle for other things in life - there is more to life, than having children.

You mention health problems op, how is your mental health? You've reacted very strongly to Sugars post which was written very kindly and clearly meant well. Can I suggest if you're not doing so already hat you tackle that as a priority. There will be more options for you and you will live a more fulfilled life once you do.