To be so sad I’ve never had children

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To clarify, I am single and adoption etc isn’t an option ... I do feel I’m missing out and in particular I feel a bit excluded from most social events. Does this change as you get older still? At the moment, I can’t shake the horrible feeling I am looking at a very lonely future.

I think everyone in these situations sees things from their own unique viewpoint, and I don’t think anyone on this thread meant to hurt anyone else.
Op I am in a very similar situation to you, it’s tough, and especially tough when people say kids aren’t all “that”

We all have to deal with grief in our own way, grief comes in many different shapes and sizes
But, in general, we all survive and we have to make the best of the life we have, you done like you’ve some insight emotionally and That will help you in life.

We are all only human, and we all want some things that we can’t have, and we just have to process them, and hopefully find things in life that make us a little bit happy

Xx

*seem!

Hi op. It's ok to feel sadness and regret at times, give yourself a break and allow for your feelings.
My friend is in her 60s she's never had children , she has a wonderful social life , many friends and God children. She travels all around the world,but sometimes she says she feels sad that she didn't have children.
If you have a life with no wishes or regrets then you are very blessed indeed ! No one gets to do every single thing they wanted. I feel sad that my relationship with ds dad broke down. I regret I did not study harder which would have allowed me to get a better job .
I think the thing to aim for is coming to terms with your circumstances and get on with life without your sadness and regrets taking over

lonely you have totally missed the point.
I was a foster carer and I am an adoptive mother.
no one is saying you don't love your child.
It is ridiculous for people to tell a childless, not by choice, woman that she can just foster or adopt when what she wants is a birth child.
Our kids deserve more than that and a woman who is struggling with childlessness deserves more too.

Adoption is not the same as giving birth for a whole host of reasons, none to do with love.

And if fc was like having a birth child why the hell was I continually being made to put my fc in situations I would never have approved for my bcs?

This is not about putting down fc/aps. Its about recognising that its ok to grieve for the birth children you don't have.
Would you all head over to infertility boards and tell the women on there that their yearning for birth children was insulting?
I bloody hope not.

MrsDV a sterling voice of reason as always.

lonely

All the Op said was that foster parents aren't parents in the sense that they don't have full parental rights.

As far as I can tell this is perfectly accurate. If you find this information, or the stating of it, devastating then I think you need to realise that is your own baggage and nothing to do with the OP.

I would hope it isn't news to anyone that people love children that they don't have full parental rights over.

Sorry that I have missed the point ThfirstMrsDv. I understand your words and I know I am wrong. Thank you for putting me right.

I did however suffer infertiity and desperately tried for a baby for 19 years, so do know the grief and the sorrow and yearning and the treadmill of IVF (until the money run out). Finally getting pregnant and losing the baby, and almost my life. So I would never intend to belittle the desperation of anyone wanting a child. I spent most of those 19 years wanting to die with an incurable ache in my arms longing to hold my child. I went to bed almost every night wishing the world would end so I would no longer feel that pain.

But after those 19 years I jumped treadmill onto the adoption one, and later still the fostering one. So I really do understand the longing but am now beyond grateful for those 19 years. Firstly because it gives me enough empathy towards my children and how they suffer with their disabilities, and secondly because I understand how desperately some of the foster children long for their home and families. And I give thanks every day because without those 19 years I would not have the love of my life, in my grandson.

So I apologise for missing the point, and will respectfully leave the room now. Best wishes x

We are TTC at the moment. We have been for about a year. I am 40 so we know it may not happen. I am actually really fucked off with people, usually those who have biological children, who glibly ask whether we've considered adoption. No. We haven't. I want my own child. The way they say it, it's like it's the easiest thing in the world and without any accompanying problems. And i do admire those who can and have done it. My gran was adopted and without that I wouldn't be here. It's just not an obvious or viable alternative for everyone. Sorry for the rant, but this has really touched a nerve.

Thank you Morphene.You are absolutely correct and I apolgise to you, the OP and everyone else my words have offended.

It may be better if all my inaccurate and unkind posts are deleted. I did not realise at the time that I would offend but that is because as Morphene says that is because of my own issues.

I can only go on my own limited and narrow experience of fostering, where every issue I felt strongly about was accepted by CS - changing schools, medical issues or contact dilemmas and so on. So to me not having full parental rights has never really been an issue.

I apologise again to you all.

lonely that's okay! Don't worry about it. People will respect you a lot for admitting a mistake - most posters just try and bluster through!

If I had a penny for every time I'd got the wrong end of a comment on a thread...

Oh and foster parents are VERY much welcome on MN! Please don't leave over a misunderstanding...

YANBU. I'm 40 and have 2 kids, 1 and 3, but am unusual in that I have a number of friends the same age who for varying reasons don't have kids. A mix of being gay, not wanting them and not getting the opportunity ie not meeting anyone. I also have a friend who regrets the one she has.
Kids are hard work but you probably know that already and change your life in ways you may not expect, both good and bad. Although I'd never regret having my kids, at times I hanker for my pre-kids life as I was a lot more rested, healthy and less stressed. You just need to live your best life and know that there are plenty women in the same boat as you. Enjoy your freedom, go on holidays, weekend breaks and enjoy your hobbies.
You may still meet someone. Everyone will have a story about the person they know who met someone and had a baby at 45 (including me!!) but until that happens be the best you

I’m sure lonely knows she is welcome.

I am a bit mystified that such an experienced foster carer doesn’t understand what I was saying but hey ho.

Fostering is a wonderful thing to do for a child but you have to be aware that it is often a short or medium term arrangement. It must be very hard in some cases when the children move on for some reason. Most foster carers do love their children but they have to let them go on if that is what is decided to be best for them. I can fully understand why someone who longs for their own child might decide it's not for them. Parting with the child might be just too hard.

OP I get the impression from what you have said that it is really a partner that you want rather than children? As you say you don't want a child if you don't have someone to help you with the nights etc. I think it is totally reasonable and normal to be sad at being single at 40, I know I would be too. I have several friends who are single in their mid to late 30's and can see that it gets harder and harder to meet potential partners. Do you have a good circle of friends? If not,could you try taking up a hobby to meet people? There may be other ways to reduce being lonely.

I want a family Miss

I am surprised I’ve been flamed for that.

Morphene Sorry but I disagree, which is why I and many others said we found the OPs phrasing "unfortunate" shall we say. The OP said fostering is not being a mother, by the way and that it is being paid to take care of children.

Quite why the OP can't fathom why foster parents - not carers - would find that rather unfair or unkind is beyond me when she took such umbrage with what Sugar said.

lonelymelissa absolutely MN is the place for you - don’t leave. I can totally understand why you are upset but don’t let one person’s comment put you off.

Oh dear the usual MN bingo of things to tell a childless person here.

I wanted a family. I had the husband for a while, but he was abusive so eventually I left. I then had many years alone and am now with someone. I'm 45. It was too late for me to have a baby 20 years ago. That includes any intervention.

I've lost count of the number of times I've heard the "you can just....." sentences.

I can honestly say that every woman, and man, facing infertility has considered every crackpot method of conception, every intervention and yes, adoption and fostering. I too made the decision that neither adoption or fostering are for me. I don't have to give a reason why not. They just aren't. End of.

The other set of "you can just...."conversations generally involve "travel lots" (I have a full time job with limited annual leave and was running a household on one salary so err. No, I can't); "concentrate on your career" (yeah, I love ,y career - but I wanted a baby too, you know? Like other people) and have loads of disposable income (ha ha ha). My favourite was always "move anywhere in the world" - technically true, but it would involve uprooting myself from a house I love in a city I love and leaving a company I enjoy working for, so why should I?

While I'm on this rant. Childless people don't have a Disney view of parenthood. We know it's fucking difficult mainly because the parents we know make a point of telling us at every available opportunity. You al, knew it was going to be fucking difficult and yet you still went and did it. Sometimes more than once. Why are we then patronised by tales of how awful it is?

OP. It's shit and you are completely entitled to come on here or anywhere else and rant and moan and do all the things everyone else does on this board. There will always be a small number of posters who give advice and take offence when it is not taken, others who are so convinced that their way of life is the only option and can't understand why people may think differently. They are knobs. Life is full of them. Mostly people just listen, sympathise and be there for you.

Well said auditqueen. I know
Posters might intentionally mean well by suggesting *you can just....adopt...foster....move' but frankly it is a bit insulting to you. You are entititled to feel upset, grieve over the children you don't have.

If it is your dream to be a mother is there any way you can try to make it come true? I know that you're 40 but that doesn't mean you can't conceive and carry a child. In your situation I think I would consider paying privately to conceive and go it alone as a single parent. After that you could always look at relocating to a cheaper area. You've said that your health is questionable - is that a condition which will prevent you caring for a child? If it is I think you'll probably have to rethink things and I'm sorry for that.

You are not unreasonable for wishing you had a child. I think you owe it to yourself to explore all your options before time really does run out.

If you cannot conceive you can still have a wonderful life but you have to find fight for your dreams.

Right you want a fsmily

You don’t want to go down the single parent route

So maybe think about dating sites. Maybe ones you pay for so get serious men

Put on profile you want children and see what happens

If nothing then think about being a single parent - whether speed
Donation or adoption

I don’t get why if someone wants to be a mum so much that they won’t consider adoption. We did be as I said previously df would have to be smoke free for 2yrs. And he smokes outside. Never in the house or car

Being a mum /parent doesn’t mean you have to give birth /grow that baby /child in your tummy for months

I have several friends who adopted for various reason
And I have never thought nor have they - that as they didn’t give birth , that they aren’t a mum

But that’s my view

Also - if you have already looked into conceiving a child by sperm donar and cannot for fertility reasons then I am truly sorry. I can't imagine the pain of not having children and can only sympathise. You have every right to grieve and I hope you can find the strength to move forward eventually - perhaps you could consider seeing your GP for counselling?

I don’t get why if someone wants to be a mum so much that they won’t consider adoption.

The op did consider adoption and decided it wasn’t for her. That’s an absolutely valid decision to make.

Adoption is bloody difficult and can be wonderful in the right circumstances. It’s not right for everyone.

'It is ridiculous for people to tell a childless, not by choice, woman that she can just foster or adopt when what she wants is a birth child.
Our kids deserve more than that and a woman who is struggling with childlessness deserves more too.'

This. And all the rest she wrote.

"I want a family Miss

I am surprised I’ve been flamed for that."

Agree Op