To be so sad I’ve never had children

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To clarify, I am single and adoption etc isn’t an option ... I do feel I’m missing out and in particular I feel a bit excluded from most social events. Does this change as you get older still? At the moment, I can’t shake the horrible feeling I am looking at a very lonely future.

greenstripes, Just on the adoption issue, I'm not sure if I've read your posts correctly ie that you think adoption is not something you can pursue or you would if some things were different.

Im a single adopter, there are lots of us about. Sometimes like, for my son, it was identified as being the preferred option.
I dont have a huge support network, its grown and developed over my years of being an adopter.
At forty, you are a long way from being past it as an adopter. I was nearly fortyseven when my son came home.
Houses and flats can be changed.
The only real obstacle is your health and whether that is something that could improve.

Adoption is absolutely not a consolation prize for the otherwise childless. I too hate the way adoption and fostering is trotted out everytime this issue crops up. But if it is something that you would consider, then you have plenty of time to change things which at the moment you see as barriers.
I first started considering adoption in my late thirties, my biggest issues were my financial position and being in a job that wasnt really single parent friendly.
It took me a couple of years to stabilise the finances and find a job that facilitated being a single parent.
Adoption may well not be the answer for you, its a tough road, you really have to want to do it. But it may not be as impossible as you think, if its something you would consider.

audit I have to disagree with the idea that all parents knew how hard it would be and did it anyway. Many people have no idea how shit being a parent will be till they do it. There are threads after threads on MN from women contemplating suicide because having a child is nothing even slightly like what they were expecting. There are a lot of us out there that simply wouldn't have done it if we had known in advance how we would react to the experience, and how hard we would find it.

A lot of us do not in fact do it more than once for that reason.

The rest of what you said was spot on - it is indeed patronizing to say people without children don't know what its like or how hard it is. Anybody could get informed...its just a lot of soon to be parents aren't.

There are a lot of us out there that simply wouldn't have done it if we had known in advance how we would react to the experience, and how hard we would find it.

Right, but knowing how you specifically will react is a bit different to just generically being told that 'having kids isn't all that, you know'. It's not like the fact that having kids is hard is some well-kept secret - people on Mumsnet sometimes act like it is, but society is full of the 'being a parent is the hardest job in the world' message. That's what's so patronising - acting like your comments might be the first time that OP has ever heard this, and that she'll suddenly go 'what, it's not all cuddles and finger painting?!'. Knowing something is hard isn't the same as experiencing how hard it is for yourself, of course - but just telling people without children 'it's very hard, you know' doesn't change that. And it's also a line that's only ever trotted out for those having difficulty having kids - the infertile (whether biologically or socially) are supposed to endlessly agonise over whether or not they're good enough, but if you just get pregnant because you're not very responsible with contraception everyone is happy to cheer you on and questioning whether you're actually ready and capable to be a good parent is totally taboo.

'It is ridiculous for people to tell a childless, not by choice, woman that she can just foster or adopt when what she wants is a birth child.
Our kids deserve more than that and a woman who is struggling with childlessness deserves more too.'

DH in particular used to hate this type of advice. He used to say to me, 'Do they think we're not actually well aware that we could adopt a child??' We did eventually adopt our 2 DDs, but when we were ready to do that.

And adoption should never be seen as a consolation prize. Social workers can spot that a mile off anyway, so you wouldn't be approved to adopt if you're seeing it as a consolation prize.

margaret I agree - which is why I have already supported the posters saying it isn't appropriate to say such things.

I'm not sure why you have quoted me then derided what others have said.

You're right morphene and I apologise - I didn't take enough account of your final paragraph, and I suppose used your comment more as a jumping off point than as something I was directly responding to, which was unfair, sorry.

I just get so frustrated when people who seem to have given having children less thought than what they'll have for dinner glibly give out patronising advice in the assumption that no one else has thought it out either - but, as you say, you were also criticizing that.

My exdp and his siblings are all adopted after a period of time being fostered.
His parents showered them with more love, attention, empathy, kindness, self belief, and self worth, than my biological parents did.
She may be my exmil, but she's the person I turn to when I'm upset, when times are difficult, when things are going great and news can be shared, when I'm frightened, when I'm angry, or just the open arms when I need to cry and she'll say 'it's ok, everything will work out'.
She's the most amazing mum ever and exddad isn't bad either! They also treat my ds2 like one of their own biological grandsons.
Unless you knew that they were adopted no one would ever have any idea.
Just because someone doesn't biologically come from you, doesn't mean that you aren't a parent. That also goes for step parents too. All a child wants is to be loved and cared for. Thankfully there are many amazing people in this world who are willing to put themselves up for that role.

margaret no worries :) It was hard to challenge the assertion that people who got pregnant knew what they were signing up for and still did it, without it sounding like I was endorsing the follow on argument.

I genuinely think a lot of people with and without children have been miss-sold the 'family dream' by the media and the whole societal pressure and expectations in general. I mean how many times a day do you see a message that is basically 'my kids are my life'. I find that a very sad message if true...and I suspect/hope it isn't always as true as people make out. But it generates a huge pressure on women in particular, with and without kids - that is generating in turn a huge amount of misery.

It would definitely be better for everyone if society didn't fetishize having babies quite so much.

I genuinely don't feel like that message is as strong as it once was, or indeed as strong as the 'having kids is the hardest thing you'll ever do'. I had fertility problems and some mental health issues surrounding that, and even at the height of that I never quite seemed to see the 'family life is unalloyed bliss' message that lots of people say is everywhere, even when hyper sensitive. I think it must be about what kind of media and what kinds of social groups you have, though - mine all go much more towards the 'wine o clock' and 'mummy as martyr' message (which has its own irritations - 'life is easy if you don't have children' is definitely a message I see a lot) than towards the 'motherhood is amazing'. I actually think that in my own middle class, professional mid-30s social group there's a bit of a taboo on saying that parenthood can ever be enjoyable!

hmm....I must take a closer look at my facebook feed....

There are definitely some #soblessed BSers on there...

Most of it is definitely what I consider smug mum disguised as martyr mum....

Lots of 'oh god look at me, I'm such a mess doing a horrible job of getting the kids to their very middle class extra-curricular activities'

I'm pretty sure the take home message is supposed be 'how awesome am I and isn't it fabulous having kids' even thought the actual words say the opposite.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it?