To be so sad I’ve never had children

[greenstripespinkdots]

To clarify, I am single and adoption etc isn’t an option ... I do feel I’m missing out and in particular I feel a bit excluded from most social events. Does this change as you get older still? At the moment, I can’t shake the horrible feeling I am looking at a very lonely future.

i can understand why you feel sad :(

most woman grow up hoping/expecting to be a mum

i wanted children at 32 but mother nature didnt play ball with me

we went the ivf route and after 5 attempts and 10yrs ttc got preg and dd is 1

we looked at adoption but due to df smoking,not allowed to even get on list/see panel till smokefree 2years

you dont say why you dont have kids-not for the want of trying/infertility-no partner -didntwant them younger etc andnow body clock ticking

you dont say if you have family near by,if not local can you move near them,or are you an only child whose parents have died,so no family

friends are family that we chose for ourselves - can you meet up with friends who have children and get involved that way

if you want to be a mum,look into adoption or iui or ivf or fostering

40 is still young esp abroad ivf

Honestly, green, get onto Gateway. You're always going to get patronising replies on a parenting site.

Thanks, expat, I guess a tiny part of me hangs onto that dream but need to let it go.

I wonder if it really is a 'dream' though? Maybe its more just an assumption of what your life would look like....

You are the same age as me and I know we grew up surrounded by a societal norm that says women should aspire to marry and have children. Its so all pervading it oozes out of every single advert, tv show, movie, magazine, book etc, etc.

It is very VERY hard to develop your own personal rational vision of life that matches the realities of who you really are, when the whole world is screaming that you will only really be appreciated/successful/attractive/useful if you get married and have kids.

Realising your life is different to the life you expected to have is painful and difficult - but it is a chance to work out if the life you always thought you would have is actually the best life imaginable for you personally - or if, just maybe, the life you ended up might not even be a little better in the end....

I personally swallowed the societal BS hook, line and sinker, and had a child when any idiot looking at me, my personality, my strengths and weaknesses, my partner and his strengths and weaknesses would probably have said 'hell no, that's a terrible idea'.

I had planned to have 4 kids...the only thing I can say in my own favour is that at least I worked out after having 1 that I had been sorely mistaken in my life goals!

Even now it still hurts that I don't have the kids I always imagined I would....even when it is so very obvious having more children would be a disaster for me, DH and indeed DD.

So I guess I'm suggesting you do what I apparently couldn't and can't. Re-assess your dreams objectively. Realise that having kids as a dream is almost certainly societies dream for you...and not your own. Find your own dream and chase that!

we looked at adoption but due to df smoking,not allowed to even get on list/see panel till smokefree 2years

I think that's awful! Obviously you shouldn't smoke around children but they would be so much better off in a loving home as long as you take steps to keep the smoke away from them. Very short sighted policy

If I had IVF and conceived, I would be very isolated still.

No one to share the long nights with or celebrate the joys. More importantly, I don’t think that’s a conducive environment to bring a child into.

I understand why people suggest fostering but it is not “being a parent” in the way most of you seem to be assuming it is. It’s being paid to take care of children

Fostering is not being a mother

I am a foster carer....

You are wrong. It IS being a mother. Being paid - well yes, £140 a week for 168 hours. But that compensates for not being able to work elsewhere because of the children's particular needs.

Currently I have four children, now adult, one grandson and currently three foster children. How I look after the foster children, what I do, lifestyle, emotions are the same now as when my children were little.

I completely disagreewith your words and it hurts so much to hear you write that fostering is not being a mother.

Having said all that I was once you. Unable to have children and like you lived in an expensive area and with health issues. I knew though that all I wanted was to surround my life with children. As an only chid and after my parents passed away no biological family of my own I too felt so very lonely, So I moved to a much cheaper area with more bedrooms, gave up my career and became self employed, adopted four children, and when they began to get older (with their blessing) gave up the self employment and using my savings started fostering. Of course they were a million obstacles and many, many hard times (three of my children have additional needs) but I knew this is what I had to do, must do with my life.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide. And now going to give my foster children a hug, because right now, I am their mother.

Greenstripes I am a foster carer and believe me it is exactly like being a parent. I have a birth child and a foster child and I love them both equally. They are both my children and have a home with me for life

Oh Lou thank you so much. As a foster carer, adoptive parent and grandparent the OP's views on fostering hurt so much and actually bought me to tears at her belief I am not a mother and being paid to take care of children. Your words bought me back to reality that she is wrong. Right now I am listening to my grandson and youngest foster child happily playing together, and I love them both so much I could burst. Not a mother FFS!?!?!?!

OP if you want the kids and partner thing get active in the dating scene with a view to finding someone that wants kids soon as well.
I am the same age and am shocked at how many men our age and older still want kids even if they have them from a previous relationship.
At 40 it is still possible to conceive naturally or you can always get help conceiving if you need to.
In my experience there is never a right time to have kids son if that's what you want I would just go for it.

Children grow up, OP, and their parents will then need friends with a similar outlook, wanting to enjoy being able to do things without having to tag the kids along. I don't think your future will be too lonely. There are quite a few childless/free people, too. You're not alone in not having children.

The post as a whole might have been supportive but “kids aren’t Prozac” has really, really upset me to be honest and perhaps that is ridiculous but I don’t feel able to continue posting

I am so sorry you are upset, OP. However I believe your cruel and bitter words about fostering will also have upset many people also. They have upset me personally so very much, especially as I was once in your situation myself. I wish you comfort and happiness in whatever path you decide your life should take, but please, please remember us foster carers ARE mothering the children we care for and love them very, very much.

My words were not said to be cruel or bitter.

It was meant to be a statement of fact. When you adopt, legally, the child becomes yours - my understanding is that this isn’t the case when you foster.

In any event it’s silly to go on about it as I can’t do it!

Sorry, but I think "fostering is not being a mother" is pretty damned insulting to foster parents; far more offensive than Sugar's comments

Thank you Shatnerswig as a foster parent I felt very insulted and also upset at the OP's views. I am quite shocked I am so upset, maybe because I do not have the words to explain why this is wrong. I have 4 adult children of my own too, and am heartbroken at the thought others think my foster children are treated any differently or loved any less. However, YOUR words helped so much too. Thank you.

No ones saying that Melissa but it’s not having your own child that you have ultimate responsibility for. I’m so sorry if by saying that you feel insulted but it’s not intended as such. It’s a statement of fact.

Lonely, I have worked with parents and children for 20 years. Having a biological link to a child has little effect on the quality of the relationship in my experience. What makes a good parent is the ability to put a child's needs first, to hold the child in mind, to empathise with that child and to be willing to ask questions and learn. Foster parents can do all of those things just as well or better than a biological parent. No doubt you are having a huge positive effect in shaping the lives of ALL the children you are parenting

It hurt me as well, hearing you say that foster carers are not mothers. I'm an adoptive mum and I couldn't love my 2 DDs more if I'd given birth to them. They were also fostered for one year before we became their forever family. I have mixed feelings about DD1's foster carers (not going into why on here), but DD2's foster carers were really attached to her and I could see how it hurt the foster mum to say goodbye to her. They're still in touch with us now via Facebook.

I realise you're feeling low, but you need to own the fact that you've hurt the feelings of some lovely people on here, with really big heats, who pour all their love into the lives of children they know that at some point they are likely to have to say goodbye. I know I wouldn't be able to do that.

Just wanted to say that I completely disagree with the OP's option on fostering and adoption, that some others have agreed with too. As both an adoptive parent and a foster parent, and a grandmother, I am so shocked that many think this way. To me it is the same, the love is the same, and fostering for me is having children plus a lot of meetings!!

Long, long ago when I lost a baby and was told I could not have another, was the lowest point of my life.But I moved away, gave up my career and made changes so it was possible to adopt. I was blessed to have four wonderful children and as they reached adulthood knew that I wanted to bring more into our family and so became a foster parent (and then a grandparent). To me it is the same.

I am now going to leave this thread and Mumsnet because as I am not a Mum in the accepted sense I realise I am not welcome - though thankfully my children (however they came to us) disagree.

It's also ridiculous that at my age I have been bought to tears by the OP's views. I feel so upset that people view those of us who adopt and foster in this way. I am unreasonably devestated by this - and need to go back to my real life and get some well needed perspective again.

But to the OP, despite your words, I wish you all the best. And want to give you the advice I was given,nearly 30 years ago now, "nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it." GO FOR IT!!!

Please note I am not talking about “not being a mother” in the context of giving birth.

Adoptive parents are parents, in a legal sense. Foster parents are not.

TheFirstMrsDeVeres post explained this.

I will leave if there as I have no wish to cause offence.

No ones saying that Melissa but it’s not having your own child that you have ultimate responsibility for. I’m so sorry if by saying that you feel insulted but it’s not intended as such. It’s a statement of fact

Your words have hurt me more than I can express. It's ridiculous. They are words on a screen from a stranger and there is obviously something wrong with me that I feel so devestated by them. I do not feel insulted, I feel devestated that others think the way you do. Honestly, in my little bubble of adoption and fostering for the past 30 years, I did not realise that others thought that I am not a mother, or do it for the money (LOLLING at the thought). I wish I could explain why I feel you are wrong, but you are more articulate than me, and obviously completely enititled to your opinion. I am not stropping off in a huff, but do now realise Mumsnet is not for me, and so best I leave.

But please, OP, you really can change your life to bring children into it if you wish. I did it. Not easy but I did, and you can too. I wish you every good wish for the future, although as I am not a mother in the way you recognise I realise you may not accept my words in the way they are meant. Don't give up your dreams!!

After the death of my wonderful mum (who always accepted any foster child as her own grandchild) a couple of months ago I am now not biologically connected to anyone on this earth - I call myself a genetic freak. I am not a daughter or a granddaughter anymore, not a niece, not a cousin or an auntie, but I am still a mother and grandmother. It is the whole essence of who I am. Sorry x

Lonely, I have worked with parents and children for 20 years. Having a biological link to a child has little effect on the quality of the relationship in my experience. What makes a good parent is the ability to put a child's needs first, to hold the child in mind, to empathise with that child and to be willing to ask questions and learn. Foster parents can do all of those things just as well or better than a biological parent. No doubt you are having a huge positive effect in shaping the lives of ALL the children you are parenting

I think I love you Lottapianos -thanks for your kind words. My mum died a few months ago, my last biological link. And last month my husband was taken very seriously ill (he's never ill). All my children were all around me, my wonderful son in law and grandson too. The tears and fears of our foster children were no less than the others, and when he was released from hospital the foster children ran into his arms first. Maybe it's things like that, that really matter.

LonelyMelissa, I wasn't going to comment on this thread again but I just wanted to say to you, my DD is adopted and her foster carers were better parents than her biological parents.
Without a doubt that was a sentiment shared by ALL the adopting parents in our group regarding their children's foster carers. You ARE their parent until they find their "forever family" and my family, and many others like ours, are incredibly grateful to foster parents like yourself.

It's so difficult to navigate such an emotive subject without referring to our own experiences or projecting our own sensitivities on statements of opinion. It's difficult to read tone or intent on the internet at best of times, especially when such raw emotions are sometimes in play.

Lottapianos description of a good parent is spot on, and it bears repeating, parenting (in any form) can be incredibly rewarding, but people should go into it knowing it might not bring the rewards they hoped for, and, may bring more challenges than they imagined, there are no guarantees.

Lets try to stay positive, if something is said that can be taken two ways, perhaps give each other the benefit of the doubt it was meant kindly or at least without malice aforethought.

Lonelymelissa, you sound like an amazing mum

notanurse2017 thank you so much, you are an angel. But I'm not honestly, I just muddle my way through trying to do the best I can but not always suceeding.

@lonelymelissa - don't leave; this place is absolutely for you, because you are a mum!! Biology and genetics is only one tiny part of parenting - the rest is love. Clearly foster parents and adoptive parents are just as much parents as birth parents! Yeah, some people may not think so, but some people think the earth is flat ;)