To be so sad I’ve never had children

[greenstripespinkdots]

To clarify, I am single and adoption etc isn’t an option ... I do feel I’m missing out and in particular I feel a bit excluded from most social events. Does this change as you get older still? At the moment, I can’t shake the horrible feeling I am looking at a very lonely future.

As a former foster carer I know what they do.
The state is in loco parentis, not the fc.
The fc has no legal status in the child's life.
You can give love and care for years without being a mum.
Its insulting to say you can't.
The OP wants her own children and that is fine.
I hate the way people pile in on these threads and offer up foster children as an alternative.

You didn’t have children, but that doesn’t mean you have a lonely future.

I presume you have family, so are you an auntie, godmother, do you have cousins with children you can fuss?

It’s up to you to keep your circle of friends and your own social life (something that’s very easy to forget when you’re a mum).

Children are not an automatic reason to be less lonely. I love my 3 adult dd’s very much, but I don’t go out socialising with them as they have babies of their own doing their best to destroy their moms social life!

Concentrate on your life as it is rather than how you imagine it could have been. I gaurentee you, you will have funds for a much healthier social life than lots of parents as children drain your resources including energy and cash.

Could a dog or a cat be an option for your retirement?

Adopting/fostering are not interchangeable with having kids hate how people assume just do one in lieu of another

Sugars post is absolutely perfect. If her post has upset you so much, perhaps it’s best you didn’t have children, because they are a darn sight harder work than a few Home truths!

Op back to original post. Did you choose not to have kids or has life turned out that way? Have you found at times your feelings differ or is this a recent train of thought

I couldn't have children, I know the hurt it causes, the upset, the pain. It does get a bit easier, you have to come to terms with it.

I have to say I think Sugar's post was very thoughtful and wasn't insulting. The comments saying foster parents aren't proper parents are far worse. I'm a step mum, I see comments like that about step parenting too. I might not be the birth mum or legal parent, but I've put years of me into that child, just like a parent.

Moomin and TheFirst Perhaps the OP shouldn't have used the phrase "fostering is not being a mother" then? Perhaps she should have been better in her choice of words, just as she felt Sugar should have been with hers.

If it is TOTALLY about having her OWN children, then she should make that abundantly clear. For many people, adoption and fostering ARE just the same in their own minds, even if not in yours.

Ok, you're 40, not 80!

Take a day off work. Sit at home (or walk to the park, whatever allows you to clear your mind).

What is it you want, truly want, in life?
Companionship?
Love?
Friends?
Escape?
Recognition?
To make a difference?
To be fulfilled?

Think about:
What motivates you?
What are your strengths?
What are your areas of discomfort?
Your ethics/ideals

Think about overall goals- what do you want to achieve?

Go from there. Perhaps you need to change jobs, move areas, meet new people, learn new skills. They're all possible though.

Good luck.

I also don't see that Sugar's post was offensive in any way, OP. She was being very kind and trying to help. It's so difficult to know how to respond to threads like this. It's not clear whether the OP just wants to vent and for people to offer comfort or reassurance that of course she's not unreasonable for feeling sad, or whether she's looking for advice on how to make her life better.

Of course you're not unreasonable for being sad, but you are unreasonable to think having children will make you feel any less lonely.

It’s completely understandable to feel as you do. It’s very sad when life doesn’t turn out as you expect. I am sure you have had very valid reasons for not having a family. Sending you a hug

OP, I just turned 45, and am childless. I feel sad about it sometimes, but as much as I can, I have made peace with it. I have a wonderful DP, great friends, a good job, and a lovely cat, so in many ways I know I am lucky - just that one thing didn’t turn out as I had hoped. And it’s a big thing. I have no advice, but I think it is fine to feel how you feel. If it’s consuming you, there is support out there.

IMO the reason the OP founds sugars post offensive is the difference of thinking what parenting is and the actual reality and some just don't want to listen

'The OP wants her own children and that is fine.
I hate the way people pile in on these threads and offer up foster children as an alternative.'

Same! Or 'Why can't you adopt?' Children in foster care or who can be adopted are not consolation prizes or specifically for people who are unable to have children or have not had them. If someone says 'Adoption isn't for me,' I'd assume they know what they're talking about.

'There're loads of kids in the UK who need loving homes,' is preached to everyone who expresses sadness that they haven't had biological children.

Not everyone can be a foster carer or adoptive parent, some people don't want to (I understand, it can be very problematic) and that's fine.

I'm so sorry, green. I have friends in their 40s and 50s who are childfree, only two are so not by choice, and they have managed over the years to make some amazing connections, and no, they don't include being a cool auntie or being around kids (it's too painful for the two who couldn't have children and for the others, well, they don't like kids). I'd try some childfree forums rather than a parenting site, tbh.

I second TheHuman's post.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217112-to-hate-being-a-mum Maybe take a read of this thread that is currently trending right next to your thread on my mumsnet page anyway!
It’s not all roses and fluffy rabbits.

It's very sad that the OP appears to have gone as she sounds very unhappy.

There have been lots of helpful ideas on here, but I guess without knowing the full extend of the OP's health, and maybe life expectancy, it's difficult to fully understand her exact situation.

I thought Sugars post was massively insensitive! To be 40, single, and coming to terms with the fact that you may never, ever get to be a mother, and someone who does have children going "kids aren't Prozac ya know. It's actually really shit being a parent, not the Disney fantasy you ignorant childless person believes it to be. ."
It's just so patronising!
It was no surprise to me or most of my friends how hard being a mum is but it is also incredibly life enriching, although I know some people do have children and then regret it.
And I wholly agree that be in good a foster carer is not a guaranteed child/parent relationship.
I know 3 adults who were fostered. One has a proper "mum" relationship with her carer, the other two do not. It's not the same, and it's REALLY not easy.
Op, in your shoes I think I would try and forget the "what ifs", and go down the donor route.
I was single, in a tiny flat with a baby. Things just have a way of working themselves out. You move somewhere bigger, you get part time work, you find a childminder, you meet other mums. Don't rule it out if it's something you really want, it's not as hard as you might think.

It's really mean-spirited to tell someone who's never had children and may never have them how much being a parent can suck. I remember people telling me this when I was 30 and just got divorced and sad it might never happen. It didn't help at all.

Of course you're not U to be sad that your life hasn't (so far) worked out as you planned.

This is your opportunity to think about whether you want to make some changes, or whether things are the way they are for a good reason, and it's a question of finding a way to be at peace with it.

On the issue of doing something positive with children, might be worth looking at being a Big Sister/mentor

'If her post has upset you so much, perhaps it’s best you didn’t have children, because they are a darn sight harder work than a few Home truths!'

Don't be so bloody patronising. I'm a childfree woman, but I have had my periods of intense grief over not being a parent, and here's a 'home truth' from me. It gets a bit bloody wearing being told that it's no big deal and not the end of the world and kids are not the be all and end all when being a parent is all you can think of. Oh and it's it all such dreadfully hard work and maybe you weren't up to it anyway Have a word with yourself and maybe find some of that magical parental empathy that we're always being told about

I completely get where Sugar was coming from with her 'kids are not Prozac' comment. I can also understand why the OP found it upsetting.

OP, I understand how raw you are feeling. Look up Gateway Women, seriously. You will never have to deal with patronising and insensitive crap on there

It's 'home truths', the 'h' is lower case. Why, why, why do people misuse capital letters? It's becoming more and more common. Rips my knitting!

I agree, Lotta.

It's really mean-spirited to tell someone who's never had children and may never have them how much being a parent can suck. I remember people telling me this when I was 30 and just got divorced and sad it might never happen. It didn't help at all.

It doesn’t help when you are still raw, no, but I think it is equally mean spirited to make out to people who can’t or who may never have children that it’s all bliss and everything they think they are missing.

'Rips my knitting! '

I like this, and will be borrowing it. It's more polite than 'boils my piss', which is what I usually say

I’m sorry if people think I was overreacting, or whatever, but I really was upset by that post. Not least because it seemed to imply that I have serious mental health problems (I don’t.)

Thank you TheFirstMrsDeVere for understanding what I meant regarding foster parents.