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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sad I’ve never had children

135 replies

greenstripespinkdots · 09/04/2018 08:11

To clarify, I am single and adoption etc isn’t an option ... I do feel I’m missing out and in particular I feel a bit excluded from most social events. Does this change as you get older still? At the moment, I can’t shake the horrible feeling I am looking at a very lonely future.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 09/04/2018 08:13

How old are you? Why isn't "adoption etc" an issue? By "etc" I assume you mean a sperm donor?

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/04/2018 08:14

Why isn't adoption an option?

Minniemannymoo · 09/04/2018 08:15

How old are you op?

SerenDippitty · 09/04/2018 08:19

You could be lonely with children too. From what I have seen they do not magically make your life better!

Have a look at gateway-women.com/

AjasLipstick · 09/04/2018 08:21

What about fostering? That can be incredibly rewarding OP...

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/04/2018 08:24

Yes, I think it does change as you get older. The young child stage does mean less socialising, so give it a few years and friends will pro ably be more available again. Sorry you're feeling lonely, definitely check out gateway women.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/04/2018 08:28

Also it's fine for adoption and fostering not to be an option... Some people end up not having children even though they would like them Sad but children aren't the only meaning in life.

ProzacAndWine · 09/04/2018 08:30

Yes, it's sad. It has it's good sides, of course. I'm relieved to miss all the thousands of worries that seem to come with having children (from just reading MN it seems like lots!), but I do struggle to find other meaning in life, since a family was all I ever dreamed about.

(I'm past fertility treatments, and won't look into adoption because of my extensive MH issues.)

jamoncrumpets · 09/04/2018 08:35

You could buy some sperm. You have options. If you really want it.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 09/04/2018 08:41

You'll get a biased response on mumsnet because the majority of posters have living at home age children. Having children is all consuming for a portion of your life, but not forever. You only need to look on grans net to see that some people never see their kids or grandchildren. Having children doesn't guarantee a lifelong connection or meaning, so eventually even lots of people who have had children will have to explore what else they can do to bring meaning and connection to their lives.

Original poster
greenstripespinkdots · 09/04/2018 08:41

Adoption isn’t an option because

I live in a studio flat (south east!)
I have no support
My health is questionable

I’m 40.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 09/04/2018 08:46

Of course you're not unreasonable if you are feeling sad or lonely. It's not really up to anyone to tell your what feelings you can have about a situation. DC don't guarantee you'll be happy or that you won't be lonely in the future though. Having DC on your own can actually be quite isolating. If children are out of the question maybe it's time to look at what else you can do to make you feel fulfilled. You have the gift of time and freedom and you can make choices that are closed to a lot of people with DC if you want to.

Beamur · 09/04/2018 08:47

Are you missing the experience of children, or the perceived social aspect to it with other families?

Loonoon · 09/04/2018 08:50

I don't think YABU. I would be sad too and I admire you for being so self aware and responsible to not have a child that you might struggle to support and raise. I hope you find happiness in all the other areas of your life. Flowers

ladymelbourne1926 · 09/04/2018 08:52

You're going to get a lot of bias responses here. I'm not really qualified to answer as I have children but
You're not unreasonable to feel sad of course not you're entitled to your feelings.
Do you have nieces, nephews? Maybe think of what you do want, travel, change of careers, moving........and how you want to go forward. I always find a plan helps.

Lottapianos · 09/04/2018 08:54

Of course you're not unreasonable OP, you can't help how you feel. We're bombarded with messages about how marvellous children and family are, and it can feel extremely isolating if your life hasnt turned out that way

I second the recommendation for Gateway Women. It's an online community for women who don't have children and are struggling with that, for whatever reason. I have found it incredibly helpful and supportive

kittensinmydinner1 · 09/04/2018 09:03

It really depends how much this issue is upsetting your life.
If you live in a studio flat in the South East then it's entirely possible you could move to a much larger property in a different part of the country and be a foster carer. (Which is paid employment) .
Would moving to be closer to family give you more support ? and help with health ?

There are all kinds of fostering and adoption needs throughout the UK. From babies to young adults who just need a room and someone to talk to and keep them safe. So many children needing help.

There is help for Foster carers with disability.
Moving from Southeast (or at least outside of the London commuter belt) will get you 1 or 2 bedrooms for the price of a studio inside the London Zone. You could then look at donor insemination to have your own baby if that's more important to you.

SD1978 · 09/04/2018 09:14

No. Not unreasonable at all. And it doesn’t matter that some people are estranged from their adult children, or lost their children at a young age, or any of the other myriad things good and bad that can be said. You are allowed to grieve for what you hoped to have. The main thing is how you then move forward from that. What you do to have a life that you are satisfied with, and that you want. It’s easy to say your friends will be back, join a club, etc. ultimately though, only you will know how you can remedy and be happy with the life you have, instead of the life you thought you’d have. I guess though that goes for anyone who has a great disappointment in their life, regardless of the cause of it.

blueyacht · 09/04/2018 09:15

Hi! It does get better on the social side. I felt massively lonely when nearly all my friends had babies and I didn't. Now their children are older they are able to socialise more. I also learned to enjoy my own company and have made friends with other people who don't have children, or older women whose children are adult. I now go out all the time and am never bored or lonely. Hang on in there, it does pick up!

Original poster
greenstripespinkdots · 09/04/2018 09:16

I understand why people suggest fostering but it is not “being a parent” in the way most of you seem to be assuming it is. It’s being paid to take care of children.

Bea, I don’t know. All I know is that I feel a bit sad my life doesn’t look as I want it to.

OP posts:
Nomad86 · 09/04/2018 09:17

How about volunteering? There are so many children who need extra support even if you're not in a position to foster them.

If you have no support in the SE, could you move north? A fresh start, bigger property and potentially fostering/adopting might give you more options. Plus, the north is lovely!

limon · 09/04/2018 09:19

I was sad at 40 that I didn't have children. I was in an impossible situation. I got out of it and I had DD at 43.

What could you do to change your situation so that children are possible?

Could you relocate?

SugarPlumLairy · 09/04/2018 09:23

You said you "can't shake thIS feeling that I'm looking at a very lonely future".

What do you mean? Do you think a child will look after you in your later years? Or introduce you to new friends/social experiences? There is no guarantee of that. My parents told me regularly that I was expected to be their retirement plan, well....I havent spoken to them in many years.

Where you say you feel excluded from most social events? Are your friends all parents of young kids? I can promise you, as someone e whoenjoyed an active social life with varied interests, kids change EVERYTHING. And organising play dates with other mums is not necessarily the ultimate social experience. BUT if you want to be involved in your friends lives more, you could always offer to babysit, or suggest lunch after a kid friendly trip maybe? Perhaps "hey (friends) I saw this (fun event) for kids advertised that looks really interesting, do you think kids would enjoy, shall we all go together and get lunch after, would be great to catch up with you"

Don't forget that the idea of being a parent is VERY different to being a parent.

I'd concentrate on finding meaning and connection to people in your life now rather than pursuing the idea that having a child would make you feel better.
Babies aren't Prozac . I dont mean that harshly. The media portray kids as happy, fun, making family memories, creating traditions etc. But for many it's exhausting, sleep deprived, expensive, no peace, if your kid has additional needs or complex issues it's an entirely different kettle of fish.

So what exactly abouthaving a kid is attractive to you? What causes you to feel pain about not having them? Having a look at your goals might help you reevaluate your options?

Fordisclosure sake,I'm an older mum, my DD is adopted and has ASD plus other additional needs.

I hope you can find some peace with this situation and wish you well for the future x

greenstripespinkdots · 09/04/2018 09:26

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Original poster
greenstripespinkdots · 09/04/2018 09:26

You might not have meant it harshly Sugar but fuck me, it was Sad

OP posts: