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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder wtf people do without childcare??!

169 replies

StopBeingAGoat · 08/04/2018 21:59

How the hell do people with 0 childcare options cope in life??

Obviously you can get around some things but there are others that taking your kids along just isn't an option!

What the hell do you do??!

Basically for background, I've found out today that family have an issue with having my dd, apparently it's a problem for them!

So I've decided to stop using them as an option in future.

Sat here wondering wtf my options are??

Child's father isn't on the scene at all, neither is his family. I don't talk to many family members of mine.

I've 0 options.

OP posts:

Ellendegeneres · 09/04/2018 12:49

Op I’m alone, disabled and have mh problems.
First thing I recommend is applying for pip on mh grounds. The process is a ball-ache but if you’ve got medical evidence you might get it awarded which can help you financially.

I also recommend baby steps but going to one or two groups each week. You’ll get a feel for which ones suit you and over time make some new friends. I did just this and am very thankful because we’re all in the same situation even if it’s different. We all want the best for our kids, and kids your little ones age will thrive with new people and opportunities.

Children’s centres offer courses and crèches for those, so that might be a way of getting some time for you.
For appointments, at that age I took my kid along. But I had no evening group like you.

Are you claiming all you’re entitled to? Tax credits, child benefit, income support?

QforCucumber · 09/04/2018 13:04

We just got on with it and raised our children ourselves

Bloody well hate comments like this. As if those of us who do use childcare are lesser beings.

Wdm290 · 09/04/2018 13:05

I think these days if you have to take your child with you most places have a selection of toys etc, or I used to try and time appointments for when her naps were but that depends on their age. It’ll get easier

pinkdelight · 09/04/2018 13:06

You haven't said much about the family situation but as your options are so very limited, is it possible for you to be extra nice about whatever the problem is exactly so that you can still get their help when necessary? If they're finding it too much looking after her, then give them a break and do them some favours, so they'll be more open to helping you out when you really need it next? Apologies if this doesn't apply to your situation, but you've spoken about pushing people away and it sounded like you could have taken offence to your family finding you DD "a problem", whereas you could take the view that looking after someone else's one-year-old can genuinely be a problem and hard work, it's nothing personal, and just be really grateful rather than taking it as criticism. Whatever the case, you need to be building bridges not burning them.

Also, if you are starting to look at childcare options so you can work, it's worth considering that fixed hours are more better than flexible ones for most childcare. Much easier to book spaces for the same slots each week.

ZoeWashburne · 09/04/2018 13:06

See if there are any free mums groups. You may be able to do babysitting exchanges (ie: You watch their child for 2 hours a week and they watch yours for 2 hours a week).

Cath2907 · 09/04/2018 13:08

I pay a monthly subscription to a company called Sitters to stay on their books and use their babysitters (I pay for the babysitters time direct to them) when I need them. It is hardly cheap but it does mean I can normally get a sitter when I need one.

We don't live close to friends (moved here 8 years ago and we aren't that great with people generally!)

How old is the kid? We also use before and after school clubs when necessary, paid for clubs where we can leave DD without us and taking her with us and giving her a computer in the corner of the room. That covers most eventualities!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/04/2018 13:20

You can absolutely bring your DD to your GP appointment - most people do that.

You say in your OP that you "have decided" to stop using family for childcare. Have they actually said they won't/can't do it? If not I would probably grit my teeth and keep asking them to look after her, even if it is a bit problematic. There honestly aren't that many options for evening childcare that don't include family/friends/paying - or if there are I havent found them!

Dauphinois · 09/04/2018 13:55

How old is your dc? Are you entitled to 2 yo preschool funding?

Soubriquet · 09/04/2018 14:00

I have childcare for my oldest(5)when my MiL is feeling ok. Nothing for my youngest (3).

Therefore I haven't gone anyway just me and Dh without a child or two for a long time.

Last time we managed to get a babysitter, was my SIL's wedding last year, and we paid a friend £50 for the evening. This isn't something that happens very often

ToastyFingers · 09/04/2018 15:21

I became a SAHM when it became clear that dd1 wouldn't cope in professional childcare. We are by no means well off but DH works hard and we claim a small amount of tax credits.

I take DC to anything that has to be done during the week and anything else gets done in the evening or at the weekend when DH is home.

DH and I haven't been out together, without at least one of the dc, since dd1was born 4 years ago, we have the odd night out separately though and we're happier at home anyway.

Original poster

StopBeingAGoat · 09/04/2018 16:58

Sadly that's life. When i decided to keep the child of a (supposedly infertile) cunt i made my bed and i'll damn well lie in it

Can't help but disagree....I made my child with someone else who effectively holds 50% responsibility. Why should I struggle 100% of the time because he's not around. Off out loving life getting free childcare??

OP posts:

Original poster

StopBeingAGoat · 09/04/2018 17:01

I don't have my "DP" to come home to help me.

I'd probably cope being a mum/with life better if I had someone who would come home to me and my dd.

Yes some say when their DP goes to work it's like they are a single parent but only for 8-12 hours a day. I'm a full time single parent. I don't get to look forward to DP coming home and helping out.

OP posts:

3luckystars · 09/04/2018 17:03

Its not forever.

I would definitely bring a 1 year old to a GP appointment, no problem with that.

Original poster

StopBeingAGoat · 09/04/2018 17:04

I keep saying the same thing over and over.

"It's not forever, it's not forever".

OP posts:

Willow2017 · 09/04/2018 17:18

Even when i had a dp i had to take kids to gp, hosp, dentist etc appoints sometimes. Its not the end of the world. You cant stay home forever just cos you have kids.

RepealMay25th · 09/04/2018 19:58

Why should I struggle 100% of the time because he's not around

Because you have to, you don't get a choice in the matter. Thats what you take on when you have a kid.

RedForFilth · 09/04/2018 20:09

It's hard OP. I love my son so much but it took me a long time to come to terms with things as he was conceived when my ex used to rape me.
I work full time and use a nursery. I really need an operation but I can't have it because I don't have the childcare for it! Other than that I take him everywhere with me!

Flatwhite32 · 09/04/2018 20:15

I'm due in July (our first) and we'll be in this situation. We have always known this though, so have had plenty of time to get used to the idea.

Battleax · 09/04/2018 20:37

I'm due in July (our first) and we'll be in this situation. We have always known this though, so have had plenty of time to get used to the idea.

FFS. “We” isn’t “I”.

Battleax · 09/04/2018 20:39

Yes some say when their DP goes to work it's like they are a single parent but only for 8-12 hours a day. I'm a full time single parent. I don't get to look forward to DP coming home and helping out.

Exactly, and it is a huge difference, but you will manage and it will make you a very tight little unit of two. Every year it gets easier,

Ellendegeneres · 09/04/2018 21:02

Agree with battleax

My eldest is 5 now and as he got older the responsibility level lessened. He got more capable, more able to do stuff like put his own shoes on. Sounds small, but now he’s in school if I wasn’t disabled I’d be out working like before.

At some point in the future, you’ll be looking for a job that fits in round school hours. You’ll have that much more freedom. Yeah you’ll still be doing it alone, but hopefully you’ll have built up your circle and have a bit more support in friends.

My youngest is 2 now, and even he is slightly easier. I miss the baby years when I could talk and then not repeat everything back!

Original poster

StopBeingAGoat · 09/04/2018 21:09

Because you have to, you don't get a choice in the matter. Thats what you take on when you have a kid.

I guess this is what I struggle with all the time, more than I should.

I didn't choose to do it alone, he chose to leave and now I have to suck it up?

I guess I just view it as unfair, that in struggling along, receiving government assistance because my DD father doesn't want to be there.

I only agreed to have my child because I wasn't doing it alone. I did not plan or want to be a single parent. I never even thought for one second that I'd be one. Maybe I'm stupid, I don't know but if I knew I'd be in this situation before I got pregnant, I wouldn't have bothered.

OP posts:

PrettyLittIeThing · 09/04/2018 21:14

Surely you must have known you could end up as a single parent? It can happen to anyone. You have to live with it as you can't force him to have involvement.

sweetkitty · 09/04/2018 21:19

We have 4 DC there is only DH and I, no family at all. We cope. I didn’t work for years as we couldn’t afford the childcare. We don’t go out together. You just get on with it.

Does get to me sometimes when other mums would comment of me being a”lady of leisure” and how they’ve never relied on a man for anything whilst granny does all their childcare for free but there you go.

worstwitch18 · 09/04/2018 21:19

StopBeing

It's not fair and being a single parent is not a choice you made.

A lot of people will say "suck it up" but your feelings are valid. Why should one parent walk away with basically no consequences? It's shit.

But you will be the one with the better relationship with your daughter. The baby stage is transient. When she is an adult hopefully you will look back and think "that was so tough but so worth it."

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