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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old son wants to move out

152 replies

user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 21:49

My son is 15, in year 11, and about to start his GCSEs. He has decided he wants to move out of our house once he's finished his GCSEs (he will be 16 by that point) and in with his boyfriend.
His boyfriend is 19 and went to the same school as my son. He lives in our town so my son wouldn't be very far away but I don't want him to move out so early, especially as he's still going to go to sixth form.
He seems to think he and his boyfriend will be able to support themselves on his boyfriend's money from an apprenticeship he's doing and my son's money from part-time jobs he wants.
Obviously, legally, he can move out at 16 but I don't know how to convince him out of it or should I not? Thank you

OP posts:
RunMummyRun68 · 08/04/2018 21:52

i think they will realise very quickly that its not sustainable

my advice is to watch and wait and not say much! been there with dd. she came back quite quickly!

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 08/04/2018 21:53

There’s a good chance that by the time he’s finished GCSEs they would have split up anyway, as often happens at that age. Or even letting him stay for the summer would be enough strain on the relationship to be back home in a few weeks.

FlyingMonkeys · 08/04/2018 21:53

Let him go, It'll either work out or not. Presumably when they realise how much the cost of living is it'll sharp change his mind.

PrettyLittIeThing · 08/04/2018 21:54

I moved out at 16 I never went back home. Well my mum kicked me out so wasn't an option. I'm afraid I don't think there's much you can do.

Headwobble · 08/04/2018 21:54

I think if it were my daughter I would try to bite my tongue and have a grown up chat to check they had thought it through. I’d ask about finances etc. I would state my concerns in a matter of fact way. Then ultimately I would support the decision she made because when it all goes tits up I would want her to feel she could come home! I would also welcome the boyfriend in with open arms and get to know them very well. My mum did this, despite hating my boyfriends. If she hadn’t, I would have huffed off with them anyway!

Papplewapplewoo · 08/04/2018 21:56

Fwiw OP, i’d Probably just support him in the move and let him know he’s always got his room at home.
It’s probably going to be shit with no money and he’ll probably be back with you in a few weeks.
But you want to maintain the relationship so even if he does stay living with his DP they come over or invite you for dinner or over for a cuppa.
Dissuading him with a hard sell might just make him resent you and more determined to move.

I really feel for you though- 16 is still very young.
FlowersCake and Brew / Wine for you . You sound like a lovely mumma.

mrsmainz · 08/04/2018 21:59

He's very young. I guess better to
Make the mistakes whilst he is young and commitment free rather than when he is older? I dunno, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I think I would tell my son the reasons why I didn't think it was a good idea, but ultimately you have to let them make their own mistakes.

AJPTaylor · 08/04/2018 22:07

I would encourage the creation of a budget and make vague non comittal murmering noises thereafter.
It will sort itself out.

dadshere · 08/04/2018 22:11

Advise him against it, but if he wants to go, don't stand in his way and be ready to take him back in six months time (or less). 16 year olds think they know everything and think with their gonads rather than their brains half the time. Wish him well, and be ready to pick up the pieces.

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/04/2018 22:16

There’s a good chance that by the time he’s finished GCSEs they would have split up anyway, as often happens at that age

Its mid April, GCSEs will be finished by 30 June.

GrannyMac2018 · 08/04/2018 22:20

I moved out at 16... my mom and dad didn't think much of my bf (ex dp... they were right but I was young and didn't see it).... yet they stayed in touch and welcomed me back with open arms when I got fed up of the arguments and bills. Love them for that.
My ds is 12 and although it would break my heart I'd try the same tactic so at least he knows he can always come back home

KirstenRaymonde · 08/04/2018 22:23

I’d let him know you think they might struggle on that money, but if that’s what he wants you’ll support him, and he always has a home to com back to if it doesn’t work out. It’s not ideal but better to be supportive than potentially push him away. He might just flourish on his own, though more than likely he’ll be back fairly quickly.

hodgeheg92 · 08/04/2018 22:24

If he does go, just make sure that he knows he can come home if he wants to. It is awfully young but I think it's best if you are cautiously supportive, help him think about things like budgeting but make sure he understands it might be difficult.

At 17 I planned to move into a flat with my then bf. It didn't happen but gave me experience of things like letting agencies. I know now that my mum hated the idea but she didn't say it at the time.

Chattymummyhere · 08/04/2018 22:26

I moved out by 16 never moved back married to my then bf who I moved with.

lljkk · 08/04/2018 22:28

I think once he's 16 I'd say "Sure, I'll still give you some money to live on and the door's always open if you want to come back." It's not like he's going anywhere far away. I'd see this as positive practice steps towards future independence, with great safety net.

BarbaraofSevillle · 08/04/2018 22:29

I would encourage the creation of a budget and make vague non comittal murmering noises thereafter

^^This. Unless either of them is unusually well paid for the type of work you describe, their income is not going to go anywhere near paying for rent, food, bills let alone anything nice or fun for them.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 08/04/2018 22:29

Can you start readying him to move out? How responsible is he with money, keeping a routine, taking care of his laundry, basic cleaning, cooking, DIY, anything else he might take for granted at home? He might change his mind.

I'd have scraped by at 16!

flowerslemonade · 08/04/2018 22:33

one of my friends was living on his own at 16... he found it hard. i think they'd be in for a shock and also appreciate u a lot more when he comes back! glad to hear he wouldn't be moving far, that's really good news.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 22:34

Just tell him no, he is to young.

britbat23 · 08/04/2018 22:37

Your 15 year old son has a 19 year old "boyfriend"?!

AnnieLobeseder · 08/04/2018 22:40

Have you discussed with him how he will continue his education after GCSEs if you're not supporting him at home?

This is something I find very odd about the UK - people treating 16 year olds like adults and having the weird shift from high school to 6th form. Where I grew up we just stayed at school until we were 18, no major exams at 16, and we just got on with our educations without making any stupid choices like moving in with partners at the frankly stunningly stupidly young age of 16!!

How on earth can a child trying to act like an adult at 16 be putting any real plans in place to make sure they have a decent, comfortable future?

It baffles me how this is even legal.

MinaPaws · 08/04/2018 22:46

He's 15. Fifteen everyone. Wake up. It;'s illegal for him to have sex with a nineteen year old. His boyfriend coudl end up in jail wiht a record of paedophilia. And far more important than his probably transient love life is his GCSEs.

I'd say to him that it's normal to suddenly focus massively on something other than exams as a diversion tactic, but that doesn't mean the new focus is the right one. He needs to stay home, revise, concentrate and if his more mature boyfriend is worth anything, he;ll support him from the sidelines and keep out of the wy as much as possible, seeing him only at weekends, when he has revision breaks.

BarbaraofSevillle · 08/04/2018 22:52

Well if he's doing his GCSEs he will be 16 very soon and they haven't necessarily had sex yet.

And even if they had, consensual sex between people who are close in age, even when one is underage, is not generally pursued as a crime.

HollowTalk · 08/04/2018 22:56

Has he heard of council tax? That's usually something they don't factor in - he won't have to pay it but his boyfriend will. I'd make non-committal noises and ask them to draw up a spreadsheet of incomings and outgoings... that should be the shock they need.

HollowTalk · 08/04/2018 22:56

Plus the fact nobody's going to rent anywhere to a 16 year old...

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