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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

15 year old son wants to move out

152 replies

user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 21:49

My son is 15, in year 11, and about to start his GCSEs. He has decided he wants to move out of our house once he's finished his GCSEs (he will be 16 by that point) and in with his boyfriend.
His boyfriend is 19 and went to the same school as my son. He lives in our town so my son wouldn't be very far away but I don't want him to move out so early, especially as he's still going to go to sixth form.
He seems to think he and his boyfriend will be able to support themselves on his boyfriend's money from an apprenticeship he's doing and my son's money from part-time jobs he wants.
Obviously, legally, he can move out at 16 but I don't know how to convince him out of it or should I not? Thank you

OP posts:
opinionatedfreak · 09/04/2018 07:57

My sister did this.

My parents weren't happy at all but knew they couldn't stop it so tried to keep lines of communication open. They managed this so that when things went a bit awry it was them she phoned at 2am.

On the upside she never returned home, went on to get a really good degree from a well respected RG university, professional qualifications & now has a decent career.

And we are closer as a family than we have ever been.

Oblomov18 · 09/04/2018 08:28

I too find it worrying (boyfriend pressurising him?) that he can't see the benefit of staying over with his boyfriend some of the time and coming home to a warm clean bed and nice meals the rest of the time.

Surely his studying will suffer?

Oblomov18 · 09/04/2018 08:34

Plus, he hasn't actually got any of these part time jobs he told OP he wants, yet!

Pengggwn · 09/04/2018 08:35

I'd want to see the other lad's birth certificate before I accepted he was 19. 19 and on an apprentice wage with his own home/flat? I wouldn't be accepting that on face value, no sirree.

MinaPaws · 09/04/2018 09:38

newdaylight I happen to know from local experience that's far from true. Some police areas take that sort of thing very seriously.

MinaPaws · 09/04/2018 09:41

I've just had a read through some of the posts replying to mine. Really interesting. All I can say is, in some parts of the UK, the police really do follow up cases like this.

LimonViola · 09/04/2018 10:01

I think he's in cuckoo land. When I was 17 I had a boyfriend of 22, it only lasted a few months and fizzled after about half a year, I ended it and discovered he had his heart set on us moving in together in a few months time. Which blows my mind looking back! As an adult I know how much cash it takes to keep a household running, how could a 22 year old have thought a 17 year old in college with a part time 8 hours per week job would have contributed at all? It's crazy.

What's his boyfriend's status, is he renting a room in a house share or his own place? I just don't see how he's able to afford his own place if he's an apprentice, it's hard enough on a full time NMW job.

Your son has no experience of work yet thinks he'll be able to cobble together, regularly, enough cash to live on to fund their life together.

I would say that you don't think it's a great idea but you'll support whatever decision he makes (emotionally, make it clear not financially) and ask him what he needs help with before he moves. Definitely sit with a budget sheet and sketch up what it'll cost them per month in rent, electricity, water, internet, phone bills, car (if partner has one) or public transport, council tax etc. And add on his estimates for food, socialising, cigarettes if they smoke, and then do the sums to show him how many hours per week he'll have to work to make all of that, given he won't even be eligible for adult NMW at his age. I would invite partner around too if he's amenable, as a 'I want to support you in this' and so you can see what his financial situation is too.

I am fairly sure once your fifteen year old realises he and his partner are gonna have to be working 60 hours per week, each, at jobs he may not want or enjoy, which will harm his continued education, he might not be so keen. And if he is? Great, he's not sleepwalking into it.

I'd be very wary of debt. Talk to him about money and debt. His partner's finances aren't really your concern but banks are throwing overdrafts and credit cards at young people as soon as they're eligible, the only way I was able to keep afloat at 18-22 with a severe health issue, despite working (but had lots of days off ad hoc due to hospital) was credit cards and loans, going bankrupt at 24 which has affected my life ever since. At his age without a solid grasp of money he likely is primed to fall into the trap of debt to keep things going.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/04/2018 10:26

Could the boyfriend move into your house?

Treezabreeze · 09/04/2018 10:41

I left home when I was 16 too, never got thrown out just wanted to explore the world, so moved abroad to work in hotels, the only downside was that sometimes I got turned away from nightclubs for being too young!

Stirner · 09/04/2018 10:41

I'm more than a bit alarmed that everyone on here is so accepting of an adult being "in a relationship" with someone that is still legally a child. A four year age gap is massive at that age. I wonder if the responses would be the same if the op's child was a girl? I suspect not.

The advice given about not being drawn into a row about this is good, but I would quietly work behind the scenes to put a stop to this and protect your son.

Call the police, ignore the rubbish about them not being bothered, for a start.

Intheblackhole · 09/04/2018 10:44

19 is an adult and 15 is not and below legal age of consent. I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

MinaPaws · 09/04/2018 10:45

Me too, Stirner. He's a child, legally, financially and still in full time education. The focus should be on GCSEs not how to accommodate the older boyfriend.

Treezabreeze · 09/04/2018 10:45

16 is the age of consent in the UK. Apart from N Ireland is 17 I think.

BarbaraofSevillle · 09/04/2018 10:47

A four year age gap is massive at that age. I wonder if the responses would be the same if the op's child was a girl? I suspect not

Plenty of 15 YO girls have 19 YO boyfriends and I don't think responses would be different.

It entirely depends on the two people involved as to different levels of maturity. The OPs DS is doing his GCSEs, which means that he will very soon be 16, and if he is a mature 15/16 YO, he could be more 'adult', confident and responsible that the 19 YO he is in a relationship with, if he's a 'young' 19. It could of course be the other way round too.

The OP hasn't said anything about concerns that her DS is being exploited, more about concerns about his education and finances of independent living on low wages.

Stirner · 09/04/2018 10:58

I think their is a lot of mental gymnastics going on here to try abs justify this "relationship", and just because the child is doing his GCSE's doesn't mean he's an adult. FYI I'd left school and sat my GCSE's before I was 16.

The op's right to be worried about the financial and educational ramifications of this, but she should be more concerned concerned that her underage son is being prayed upon by an adult.

worstwitch18 · 09/04/2018 11:01

Definitely do not invite the boyfriend to live with you.

Intheblackhole · 09/04/2018 11:15

So for eg a second year university student having a boyfriend/ girlfriend in year 11 aged 15 . Generally considered unacceptable/very odd in the three generations of fifteen year old people and communities I've lived in.
OP not sure what's going on here but some frank discussion is needed with your son about this boyfriend and also find out if SS are involved if a 15/16 yr old moves out as I thought they were in a few cases I've heard of anecdotally. ( might not be the case but have you googled)

willynillypie · 09/04/2018 11:24

worstwitch18 and LimonViola - agree with both posters, very good advice!

BarbaraofSevillle · 09/04/2018 11:26

Many first year uni students are 19, could easily be only three school years difference between a 15 YO and a 19 YO if the 19 YO was born in the autumn and the 15 YO in the summer. Totally normal.

My parents met in a pub when DM was 16 and DF was early 20s. They were married for over 40 years before DF passed away.

SIL was 15 when she got together with BIL who was 19 and she was doing her GCSEs and he was a first year uni student. They're still married nearly 30 years later and all this talk of paedophilia and social services would have been considered laughable to everyone who knew them.

Mookie81 · 09/04/2018 11:32

It appears homophobia is alive and kicking.
I don't think the comments about paedophilia and entering the sex and drug trade would be made if it was a 15 year old girl. Why jump straight to that as opposed to getting a job in a shop?

crunchtime · 09/04/2018 11:34

A 15 year old with a 19 year old is so dodgy it's unbelievable.

Have just asked my 18 year who screwed his face up and said 'that's not right-at that age?'

That is what you need to concentrate on! I don't care if he's nearly 16-doesn't that also mean his boyfriend could be nearly 20?

NFW!!!!!

Only on mumsnet do people consider 16 year olds to be fully fledged adults who can go off and live independently!

crunchtime · 09/04/2018 11:36

i would say it was didgy as fuck if it was a girl-perhaps more in fact as so many girls are groomed by older men.

How do we know this 15 year lad isn't being groomed? who knows what the fuck will go on once he's not at home?

Stirner · 09/04/2018 11:38

@Mookie "It appears homophobia is alive and kicking. " - Absolutely not homophobic thanks.

I rather suspect that if It was a 15 year old girl the exploitative nature of this would have been flagged up at the beginning of this thread.

I think accepting this illegal "relatationship" just on the basis it involves two men is far more homophobic.

crunchtime · 09/04/2018 11:40

it doesn't involve 2 men
it involves one man and one boy

Stirner · 09/04/2018 11:43

@crunchtime - Absolutely, and part of the point I was trying to make. "Two men" was the wrong wording entirely.