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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old son wants to move out

152 replies

user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 21:49

My son is 15, in year 11, and about to start his GCSEs. He has decided he wants to move out of our house once he's finished his GCSEs (he will be 16 by that point) and in with his boyfriend.
His boyfriend is 19 and went to the same school as my son. He lives in our town so my son wouldn't be very far away but I don't want him to move out so early, especially as he's still going to go to sixth form.
He seems to think he and his boyfriend will be able to support themselves on his boyfriend's money from an apprenticeship he's doing and my son's money from part-time jobs he wants.
Obviously, legally, he can move out at 16 but I don't know how to convince him out of it or should I not? Thank you

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 08/04/2018 22:59

There is nothing you can do but what I would do is make it very clear that you will not be bailing them out with any monetary help . Does the boyfriend live independently now because if so it will probably be sustainable although as others have said at that age they are just as likely to have split up next month .

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 23:00

Do not give him permission to do this, you have to make it plain to him that he is to young. Say you will support him to do it when he has finished his A-Levels or equivalent. Parents have to make the hard calls, children are not friends.

Herbalteahippie · 08/04/2018 23:01

Let him move out- he’ll soon be back.

InsomniacAnonymous · 08/04/2018 23:09

I moved out at 16 and never returned. Let him go.

lattewith3shotsplease · 08/04/2018 23:09

Yes, to the let him go...............he'll be back before you know it.

Mightymucks · 08/04/2018 23:13

When he’s sixteen and it’s legal could you come to a compromise? Could you agree he would stay with you Mon-Thurs and his boyfriend Thurs to Sat? As a sweetener offer him a bit of money to support him while he’s there from what you’ll save on feeding him.

At least that way you could be sure he was going into school most days and doing his homework.

Mightymucks · 08/04/2018 23:14

Do not give him permission to do this

He won’t need her permission when he’s 16. If parents come down too hard on these things then they run the risk of driving their children into exactly what they don’t want them to do.

Mightymucks · 08/04/2018 23:17

He's 15. Fifteen everyone. Wake up. It;'s illegal for him to have sex with a nineteen year old. His boyfriend coudl end up in jail wiht a record of paedophilia

Police wouldn’t be interested in this. Only a few months before he’s 16, small age gap, no coercion, . Police wouldn’t touch it.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/04/2018 23:19

I would be very uncomfortable with my 15yo talking about leaving the family home so soon.

I’d be worried about the sexual aspect of this relationship and consider taking action.

I’d also be telling him ‘love doesn’t pay the rent’

However, even if they have had sexual relations if your son does not admit it the police can do nothing - I think

gluteustothemaximus · 08/04/2018 23:20

I moved out at that age.

I had to quit 6th form as needed to work and earn money. Still regret that. But had no choice.

If you have a good relationship, which it sounds like you do, don't be against the idea, but do help him work out his outgoings vs income.

Original poster
user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 23:21

For those asking, yes his boyfriend lives independently and jut barely makes it by. I will try to discuss finances with my son but he seems convinced that as his boyfriend could do it, he could too (despite being in full-time education)
I hope (as many of you lovelies have said) he will come back after a few weeks after he realises that having no money is shit

OP posts:
NapQueen · 08/04/2018 23:24

If you go down the whole "no way, I forbid it" or "pah dont be daft no way will you cope or afford it" routes you risk falling out and also a defiance which prevents them coming home.

Non commital mumurs and a reminder that if he changes his mind at any point that is fine too.

Id not be funding it though

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 23:26

I hope ... he will come back after a few weeks after he realises that having no money is shit

Or he could drop out of school and get involved in drug smuggling or the sex industry to pay the bills. Its not worth the risk, dont let him go. What is he doing having a 19 yo boy friend?

InsomniacAnonymous · 08/04/2018 23:27

Don't wish failure on your son. He could be happy and successful. That doesn't mean that he thinks it will be easy, presumably he's not stupid, but he's not doomed to fail either. Why not let him go and hope he's happy and makes a go of it?

Original poster
user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 23:31

For people who are saying to not let him go, I wish I could, but legally in the UK children can leave home without parental consent at 16. Unfortunately, simply not letting him is just not an option ):

OP posts:
Pinga · 08/04/2018 23:32

Or he could drop out of school and get involved in drug smuggling or the sex industry to pay the bills. Its not worth the risk, dont let him go.
That seems more than a little unlikely imho.

What is he doing having a 19 yo boyfriend? I presume they rather like each other. I think thats an odd question to ask - loads of 15yo girls have 19yo boyfriends.

Isadora2007 · 08/04/2018 23:33

Let him go. At least he can’t get knocked up!

AtSea1979 · 08/04/2018 23:34

Is it an option for his bf to move in to yours? So they can save up for a couple of years, that way he completes his A levels and it’ll likely fizzle out.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 23:35

Ok I get you cant stop him at 16 but I would still stand firm and say you do not agree. He is welcome to come home at any point but its not ok right now. You have to give him a firm moral boundary or you will allow him to think you approve, which will encourage him.

Pinga · 08/04/2018 23:35

User - I would tell him I wasnt keen, because they are both so young and it will be tricky to make ends meet and focus enough attention on studying.
But I would let him go............ (without any ££ handouts) and say the door is open for if you want to return. In fact please do. Sunday lunch every weekend you are both invited.

6triesbuttingout · 08/04/2018 23:40

Oh I feel for you l❤️ Just keep comunications open and let him know he can come home no questions asked! However if they make a go of it ( and there’s no reason why not) I bet odd caserrole, lasagne, sheep pie would be very welcome.

teetrea · 08/04/2018 23:43

My brother did the same but with a friend of his aged 16, after a few months he started spending a lot of time back home and staying over. He moved back home after six months after a long chat with my Mum where he admitted he hated it but didn't want to admit he was wrong. I wouldn't worry just support him and make sure he has everything he needs to be healthy whilst hes away. And to all being overdramatic about the age gap he'll be 16 in a month as OP said. Three years is nothing at that age and who are you to assume they've sex?

Vangoghsear · 08/04/2018 23:47

I would actively discourage it because it will almost certainly mean his studying in sixth form will suffer. He could find himself prioritising part time jobs to get enough money to live on and that in turn may lead to him skipping college (shifts clashing with lessons, too tired after evening shift etc). When I worked in a SF college youngsters who were living independently for whatever reason almost always found it a struggle.

colditz · 08/04/2018 23:48

How very very difficult.

And for all the shriekers telling you ont to let him go - yes that's an excellent idea, except legally he can move out on his 16th birthday, and if OP has a massive shitfit and tries to prevent this, he may never come back.

The people who left home at 16 and never went back are the people whose parents have massive shitfits and a) forbid their 16 year old from normal things or b) throw them out. OP is not going to do that. She's probably going to not and smile and her 6 year old either won't go or will be back asd soon as a diet of toast gets too much to bear.

colditz · 08/04/2018 23:49

16 year old , not 6

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