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Original poster

15 year old son wants to move out

152 replies

user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 21:49

My son is 15, in year 11, and about to start his GCSEs. He has decided he wants to move out of our house once he's finished his GCSEs (he will be 16 by that point) and in with his boyfriend.
His boyfriend is 19 and went to the same school as my son. He lives in our town so my son wouldn't be very far away but I don't want him to move out so early, especially as he's still going to go to sixth form.
He seems to think he and his boyfriend will be able to support themselves on his boyfriend's money from an apprenticeship he's doing and my son's money from part-time jobs he wants.
Obviously, legally, he can move out at 16 but I don't know how to convince him out of it or should I not? Thank you

OP posts:
IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 09/04/2018 11:44

I've never heard of a sixth former living with their partner. What does the school say?

There's no way he could afford to live on a part time job.

Apprenticeship wages don't cover living costs either.

Surely it's obvious that as concerned parents you tell him it's a seriously bad idea and not even feasible?

The older guy cannot be thinking about your son's welfare. Have you talked to him?

My dcs at that age needed sixth form to grow up in time for uni. Even then they can only afford to live 'independently' because we fund them.

Athrawes · 09/04/2018 11:51

Does his boyfriend currently live at home too? Have you met the parents? Could be that they too are realistic about the costs of the boys plans. It certainly would help to know that both teams were singing the same song. Hi

RhiWrites · 09/04/2018 11:53

Some of these comments are horrifying.

There’s no need to make up stories about sex work, grooming and fake birth certificates. The age gap isn’t big, the other young partner is only recently out of school.

They want to live together because they’re in love, they think it will be fun and they want to be independent.

It will probably be more difficult than they anticipate but they will learn from that.

OP, ask him to come back every couple of weeks for Sunday lunch. With his boyfriend of course. It will keep you connected.

Stirner · 09/04/2018 11:59

@RhiWritws "Some of these comments are horrifying" - I think the idea that it's acceptable for an adult man to be in a relationship with a 15-year-old boy is more horrifying and indicative of a pernicious homophobia.

If you had a daughter in the same position as op's son would you be blithely waving them off!

jacks11 · 09/04/2018 12:00

You're right, you can't stop as he'll be 16 years old. However, I think you need to sit down with him and work out a budget. He also needs to get a job not just "want to get one"- otherwise it's all pie in the sky. Unless his boyfriend really is willing, and able, to financially support them both- and it doesn't sound like he is in a position to do so, even if he wanted to.

I am also slightly concerned about a 19 year old in a relationship with a 15 year old. There is usually a huge gulf in maturity at that age. Not that you can do much now, I suppose.

If he's mature enough to live with his boyfriend, he is mature enough to make budgets and support himself. I think you need to explain your concerns are that his ongoing studies will be negatively affected if he needs to work extra hours to make ends meet. He needs to understand your concerns, but that's all you can do. I think he could have some slightly rose-tinted notion of living with his boyfriend, total freedom and it being all fun. He may well be home quite quickly once reality sets in.

I'd be surprised if anyone would rent to a 16 year old school student though, so suspect it will all have to be in boyfriends name. Does he realise this? I also would not stand guarantor in this situation and I would be wary about giving lots of financial support either: if he is leaving home to be independent then that is what he has to be. He cannot learn to be independent if everything is paid for by mum.

crunchtime · 09/04/2018 12:00

thise of you who think there's not much of an age gap between a 15 year old and a 19 year old, do you actually have teenagers?
There is a HUGE difference!

JaneyEJones · 09/04/2018 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crunchtime · 09/04/2018 12:06

also if he's going to go to sixth form, he won't be able to work many hours. My son's sixth form say a maximum of 8 hours a week.Minimun wage is 4.20 an hour for that age. so that's 33.60 a week.

How on earth will he manage on that?

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 09/04/2018 12:07

When I was 16 I thought I was very grown up and mature.

I don't see my own teen dcs in the same way now.

They are teens and they have teen brains to match-with some frontal lobe deficits and hormonal overdrive.

They need guidance, love and sometimes strong advice/hard truths. And food Grin

Just because the law doesn't say you can't do something, it doesn't absolve parental responsibility imo.

LagunaBubbles · 09/04/2018 12:30

Call the police, ignore the rubbish about them not being bothered, for a start

Oh yeh now that will really help maintain a good relationship with her almost 16 year old son wouldnt it, if she phoned the Police on him. Hmm

JaneyEJones · 09/04/2018 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LagunaBubbles · 09/04/2018 12:38

Only on mumsnet do people consider 16 year olds to be fully fledged adults who can go off and live independently!

Here in Scotland 16 year olds can legally marry without needing their parents permission.

19lottie82 · 09/04/2018 12:42

The 19 yr old boyfriend is essentially a
peadophile

No he isn’t. Look up the word in the dictionary.

Yes he’s breaking the law, but he isn’t a peadophile.

darkriver198868 · 09/04/2018 12:46

My thoughts are he isn't 16 yet. You shouldnt be having this discussion. He is still a child.

I left home at 16 for completely different reasons.

JsOtherHalf · 09/04/2018 12:50

If your DS stays in full time education, there is a possiblity that the 19 year old could claim child benefit for him, which could lead to other benefits eg child tax credit.

Hopefully this is not something they know about.

I really wouldn't be happy about a just turned 16 year old moving out into a full on relationship.

Stirner · 09/04/2018 14:34

@LagunaBubbles - it would be calling the police on the grown man exploiting her child. Something they'll definitely be interested in.

Her son might not be pleased but it's for his own good.

Ontopofthesunset · 09/04/2018 14:45

It's very far outside my experience as I can't imagine either of my sons (one the year older than your DS, one the same age as his boyfriend) wanting to move out at 16. I'd be extremely concerned about his post-16 studies and about money. The 15 year old is a child and the fact that he wants to do this demonstrates that lack of maturity.

I do think it is a big age gap and it would worry me. There's no way my 19 year old 2nd year university student, or any of his friends, would have a girlfriend 4 years younger than them - that would be really weird. Where would they even meet? You don't socialise with people that much younger (or older) than you when you're at school or college or uni. And when one of you is 15 you don't meet in the pub or at a club.

BarbarianMum · 09/04/2018 15:17

Re: the age gap people need to remember that the pool of potential partners is much smaller when you're gay than when you're straight. Approx 1 in 100 boys/men are gay and at 15 many of them won't be out yet. Much more difficult for a 15 year old gay boy to find a boyfriend of the same age than for a straight boy to find a girlfriend.

Chattymummyhere · 09/04/2018 15:36

I was one who said I moved out and never went home. I wasn’t kicked out or had stupid rules. I wanted to live with my partner in our own house, I was in college and he worked full time. 15 and 18 years old we always had plenty of food, paid the bills, had children and got married. It’s not always doom and gloom. If my parents had tried to stop me I would of left anyway.

Chattymummyhere · 09/04/2018 15:36

15 and 18 when we first started dating that should say.

LagunaBubbles · 09/04/2018 16:07

it would be calling the police on the grown man exploiting her child. Something they'll definitely be interested in

Hes weeks away from being 16. There is no evidence hes being "exploited". I would not potentially ruin my relationship with my son by being hysterical and phoning the Police. I might not like it but you cant choose your children's partners for them.

FairiesVsPixies · 09/04/2018 16:25

Plenty of 15 YO girls have 19 YO boyfriends and I don't think responses would be different.

There is a vast difference in maturity between a 15 year old boy and 15 year old girl. My dd is 16 and some of the boys she knows are like little kids. Also 15/16 year olds are not like 15/16 year olds in the old days, they seem to be very immature these days.
I think it's a bit off for a 15 year old boy to move in with a 19 year old man (if he is 19 and not older)

BarbarianMum · 09/04/2018 16:40

By that token Fairies then 19 year old males must also be immature (compared to females) thus maintaining the "adjusted age" gap as 3+ years which is not that excessive. Or are you arguing that some process of super-maturation hits males at 18?

FairiesVsPixies · 09/04/2018 16:46

Yes I do believe they mature a lot at 18+, so I still think the age gap is big, at their ages. Obviously it won't be in a few years but it is now, imo.

Isadora2007 · 09/04/2018 16:48

Here in Scotland 16 year olds can legally marry without needing their parents permission.

Yep. My eldest son was at school with a girl who was married the year before they left school. She remained on at school and got decent exams. Her husband was an apprentice and a few years older IIRC.

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