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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old son wants to move out

152 replies

user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 21:49

My son is 15, in year 11, and about to start his GCSEs. He has decided he wants to move out of our house once he's finished his GCSEs (he will be 16 by that point) and in with his boyfriend.
His boyfriend is 19 and went to the same school as my son. He lives in our town so my son wouldn't be very far away but I don't want him to move out so early, especially as he's still going to go to sixth form.
He seems to think he and his boyfriend will be able to support themselves on his boyfriend's money from an apprenticeship he's doing and my son's money from part-time jobs he wants.
Obviously, legally, he can move out at 16 but I don't know how to convince him out of it or should I not? Thank you

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 08/04/2018 23:49

I agree with pp who have said to support him, and make sure he knows is welcome to return if he needs to.

Vangoghsear · 08/04/2018 23:50

By actively discourage I mean not only by discussing with DS but by not giving or lending money for deposit and not signing as a guarantor.

colditz · 08/04/2018 23:53

By actively discourage I mean not only by discussing with DS but by not giving or lending money for deposit and not signing as a guarantor.

If you're looking to tighten the bond between the 16 year old boy and his 19 year old boyfriend, this is excellent advice.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 08/04/2018 23:53

It’s a year away. A year is a very long time when you’re 15. Don’t give it headspace right now 💐

19lottie82 · 08/04/2018 23:53

His boyfriend coudl end up in jail wiht a
record of paedophilia

No he couldn’t. Be realistic. Do you understand what a peadophile actually is?

OP does the BF actually have a flat yet?
If not I think he may struggle. Most landlords will want to see that potential tenants earn a set multiple of the monthly rent, per year. Unless you live in a very cheap area then an apprentice wage isn’t going to cut it.

AtSea1979 · 08/04/2018 23:54

annie it’s in 3 months

lattewith3shotsplease · 08/04/2018 23:57

OP,
We all know the wonders of living together with loved ones.....until reality sets in. Wink

MissionItsPossible · 08/04/2018 23:59

This exact scenario happened to me when I was 15 except he was 23 not 19 and times were different back then. You just have to act resilient to it even though you know it comes across as wrong

PurpleCrowbar · 09/04/2018 00:00

I think I'd suggest a 'semi detached' approach - ie he spends weekends with the bf, stays over during the week on occasion, but still maintains his room at your place.

So, you know, no big dramatic 'moving out' but just you accept that he'll be coming & going & that's fine.

The relationship is likely to fizzle/implode at that age, tbh, so I'd just do lots of nodding & smiling.

Also be very welcoming to the bf - have ds bring him over for dinner, let him stay over at yours etc - so there really isn't much to rebel or take a stand about.

sassymuffin · 09/04/2018 00:01

Or he could drop out of school and get involved in drug smuggling or the sex industry to pay the bills. Its not worth the risk, dont let him go.

Walkingdeadfangirl - Yes I would be worried about his inability to remain in further education due to financial reasons if he moves out. I see no reason as to why you would alarmingly suggest drugs/sex trade as a potential risk Confused I would assume he would look for employment like his boyfriend has.

I agree with what Pinga has suggested.

scrabbler3 · 09/04/2018 00:09

The majority of posters have given sensible and considered advice.

He'll probably be home by Christmas.

worstwitch18 · 09/04/2018 00:11

I think I'm from a different world- no one I knew moved out before 18, and many were at home until 21!

I would say, "DS, legally you can move out at 16 but I'm not going to be able to help you financially. I suggest you look at your budget and get a part-time job before you make plans. Why don't you work over the summer first?"

If I read your original post correctly, he doesn't actually have a job yet.

I would also say (if it's true), "I didn't move out until I finished school and looking back I'm glad I didn't. I found going from only doing some chores to having to do all the budgeting, cooking, cleaning, washing, etc really hard and I don't think I could have managed that as well as a job and my A levels at the same time."

If he doesn't have a job and he's still got several weeks before GCSEs it may all come to nothing anyway.

worstwitch18 · 09/04/2018 00:13

TBH I would be alarmed if my 15 year old was dating a 19 year old.

A 19 year old asked me out at 15. I said yes and then a week later said no (we hadn't even kissed haha) because it struck me how different out situations were: young teen in full time education vs adult in the workforce. I'm glad it didn't turn into a proper relationship.

But you haven't asked for advice on that part of it so I will say no more.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/04/2018 00:14

The 19 yr old boyfriend is essentially a paedophile. Regardless I'd try to talk your son out of it, 16 is young and let's face it the relationship probably won't last anyway...he will probably fuck your son off when something younger comes along.

worstwitch18 · 09/04/2018 00:15

Also please don't act as a loan guarantor.

Floralnomad · 09/04/2018 00:16

The 19yr old is not a paedophile , don’t be so ridiculous .

TheJoyOfSox · 09/04/2018 00:20

@MinaPaws. My daughter had a 19 year bf when she was 15. She gave birth herself to a daughter when she was still 15. I got in touch with my local police, they had no interest. They said there was virtually zero chance of a conviction with them being similar ages.

InsomniacAnonymous · 09/04/2018 00:22

The people who left home at 16 and never went back are the people whose parents have massive shitfits and a) forbid their 16 year old from normal things or b) throw them out. OP is not going to do that.

That's not necessarily true. I was one of those who said I'd left home at 16 and never went back. When I left home at 16 I had never had a boyfriend (I'm female and straight, so no girlfriend either btw), had never had alcohol or drugs, was very quiet and obedient, caused no trouble at all. It's just that my parents and I had always loathed each other. They never helped me in any way, never gave me anything whatsoever, no love, no money, nothing. I'm now 64. Don't assume you know the dynamics of others' relationships.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 09/04/2018 00:26

AtSea. Oh, right, thank you, I thought she meant he was going into his GCSE year (Sept) and after that year he wanted to move out.

Fuck. 3 months. Ummm... at 16 I would have thought ‘my parents wont let me’. It would have been more knowing my Dad would have come around to fetch me home that would have stopped me. Kids these days just don’t have that healthy dose of fear of their parents actions! I’m glad I did otherwise god alone knows what I’d have done.

I think I’d try the ‘No you’re not, you’re too young & need to do well in 6th form. Prove you can keep studying and earn enough to support yourself before you even think about it.

Then I’d talk to his boyfriend and say you are 19, DS isn’t even yet 16. He’s too young to leave home and support himself while in full time education, please stop encouraging him.

Tantpoke · 09/04/2018 00:27

Alarm bells would be ringing at the fact he wants to move in properly with his boyfriend and contribute to rent and bills at such a young age, when he could just stay there a lot instead, come home occasionally and not pay bills and rent etc as a boy still at school ie it doesnt say much about the boyfriend.

The fact his boyfriend is encouraging your DS at such an important junction in his life exam wise to get part time jobs to essentially pay his bills is a bit iffy to me. ie using him for his financial contribution and ruining his exam prospects.

And for the love of god do not be a guarantor or lend him any money whatsoever towards the rent or bills at any stage.

AjasLipstick · 09/04/2018 00:28

When I got a similar scheme in my head aged about 16, my Mum and Dad went out and bought me a lovely new bed and redecorated my bedroom Grin I didn't realise it at the time but they knew how mercenary I was and that this would be enough to make me stay put! It worked.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2018 00:29

I'd be very surprised if he completes 6th form living with his BF. If he's doing a vocational course he might succeed.

You must live in a cheap part of the country in somone on an apprentice can live independently (in their own flat), as we pay them @£580.00 a month where I work.

Talk about finances...Then leave him to it.

blueduvetface · 09/04/2018 00:35

I'm moved out with a 19 year old at this age. Let him go.

nooka · 09/04/2018 00:38

I have a 19 year old ds and he was discussing boyfriends / girlfriends with his younger sister and was adamant that it would be wrong of him to date someone still at school (he is first year university, she is last year school). I'm pretty happy about that, but a 19 yr old dating a 16 yr old isn't really that unusual, and unless the younger boy is particularly vulnerable or the older one predatory it's probably OK.

I think if I was the OP I would let my son know that I thought his plan was a bad one because of the need to work will almost certainly affect his studying. I expect that any flat will be in the boyfriend's name and I would not offer to be a guarantor or to pay any deposit money. However otherwise I'd talk to my son about how he might think to manage the practicalities, bills, cooking, cleaning etc and make sure he knew his room was always there for him.

Goodasgoldilox · 09/04/2018 00:38

You are right - since he is 15/16 you can't 'lay down the law' - so need to be cunning and patient. Be positive and enthusiastic about his plans (this will certainly count against them -disapproval is so much easier to react to when you are a teen) and yet at the same time make it very easy for him to come back home.

Perhaps he will make it and this relationship is a life-long love. That would be wonderful and you will never be cut-off from him because of anything that happened at the beginning of it.

More likely though - the thing will fizzle out and he will return to you. He may have a whole new respect for all that you do for him!