Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old son wants to move out

152 replies

user1487546656 · 08/04/2018 21:49

My son is 15, in year 11, and about to start his GCSEs. He has decided he wants to move out of our house once he's finished his GCSEs (he will be 16 by that point) and in with his boyfriend.
His boyfriend is 19 and went to the same school as my son. He lives in our town so my son wouldn't be very far away but I don't want him to move out so early, especially as he's still going to go to sixth form.
He seems to think he and his boyfriend will be able to support themselves on his boyfriend's money from an apprenticeship he's doing and my son's money from part-time jobs he wants.
Obviously, legally, he can move out at 16 but I don't know how to convince him out of it or should I not? Thank you

OP posts:
PeanutButterSquash · 09/04/2018 00:41

I moved out at 16 albeit under different circumstances.
If you make a big song and dance about it you could push him further away, what I mean is if you go in all guns blazing telling him it won't work then he'll do his damndest to make it work, even if he is unhappy or they're constantly struggling.
So I'd recommend supporting it, by helping him draw up budgets and a basic five year plan. Tell him he's always welcome under your roof.
Then silently hope it fizzles out. Tbf if the boyfriend is already managing OK then it might work.
Feeding one person isn't that costly nor is bus fare to work, So if he can secure even 16 hrs a week at £5ph he'll be able to meet his Costs and maybe cover the gas, or electric or internet or something to contribute to his bf's costs.

PatchworkWomble · 09/04/2018 00:48

My biggest concern in all this would be for his education. An intense relationship at that age can be such a distraction during a time when you're laying the foundations for your future. It's very difficult to make wise decisions when you have love goggles on - regardless of age actually!

Could you maybe show him your support by helping him work out a budget, write a list together of things that need doing such as life admin and chores then perhaps gently talk to him about a few of your concerns whilst you're at it?

I totally agree with the people saying that the less you resist this, the sooner he will be back home.

WiddlinDiddling · 09/04/2018 00:57

Let him, because saying no is not going to work and is going to turn him OFF listening to you in the future or possibly, asking you for help.

So let him go but.. ask him to adhere to certain conditions like, he and boyfriend need to come round for 1 family meal a week.

He needs to speak to you regularly so you know he is ok.

And above all make it clear, whilst you can't help financially, he IS always welcome back whenever he needs.

Most likely, hes going to find out that the reality is no where near as fun as the fantasy.

But maybe he will make a go of it, and if he can then he has the support he needs to do that.

butterfly56 · 09/04/2018 01:05

My DC moved out at 16 shared house with 2 friends as it was closer to work(they were all on apprenticeships) and they all managed fine.
Initially I used to supply food shopping and credit for gas and electric meters and cleaned for them.
Was always on hand if they needed any help.
All turned out well for all of them in the end and the ended up with really good careers and lives.
Tbh I wish I had done something similar when I was 16!
My DC bought first house at 21 having completed apprenticeship.

Some DCs are really sensible and are ready to move out for whatever reason.

SeaToSki · 09/04/2018 01:15

I would get very brisk and busy planning the practicalities with him. Right, you need to learn to cook a few basic meals, learn to take care of your own laundry, do the washing up, budget for the month, open bank accounts, clean toilets, set up a study area and work without being reminded, change light bulbs, tidy up after a party fix a blown fuse etc etc. then put in place a 3 month training scheme all for his benefit. If it puts him off moving in with the bf, then good; if it doesnt, at least you will have improved his life coping skills and he will feel supported by you and therefore more likely to come back to you with problems when they happen.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/04/2018 01:15

Excellent advice on here. I'm with the cautious support/door left open/don't give money camp

I'm only adding because I have a dd six months older than your ds, so in right there with you on imminent exams and a summer of freedom beckoning

So, firstly, I'd say to your ds that you're not saying no, but can't think about it until after exams because all his energy should be on those at the moment

Then, after exams are done, let them have a summer of playing houses if they want. But talk to your ds about sixth form and uni plans before he goes.

And then everything everyone else said.

I feel for you. Your heart must be breaking.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/04/2018 01:17

Those are all good things, SeaTo', but her ds has exams starting any minute

BicycleHorn · 09/04/2018 01:20

I moved out at 15 (for many reasons) and it was fine. Support him as much as possible when he's gone, and help him enjoy his life.

Intheblackhole · 09/04/2018 01:27

It's difficult to see how he would manage with money and food. My son is going into GCSE and this scenario seems unimaginable to me at present. I thought also that at sixteen if a child moves out social services were involved in some way until 18. And looked after children have some care and input until 18 nowadays.

Meli1977 · 09/04/2018 01:29

Why is a 15 year old "going out" with a 19 year old? The age gap is quite a bit at that age. He has plenty time when he grows up to play house. Probably a case of closing the door now the horse has bolted. You allowed older boyfriends, he will expect you to accept it and you have allowed him away with whatever by the sounds of it.

Ihatechildren · 09/04/2018 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/04/2018 01:59

Horrid post Ihate and it makes no sense.

Why are women idiotic? I slightly assumed the OP is a single parent.

Ihatechildren · 09/04/2018 02:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Coyoacan · 09/04/2018 02:18

The people who left home at 16 and never went back are the people whose parents have massive shitfits and a) forbid their 16 year old from normal things or b) throw them out. OP is not going to do that

What a sweeping generalisation. I moved out when I was sixteen and never lived at home again because I was impatient for adventure. My mother was lovely, not unreasonable and never threw me out.

Ihatechildren · 09/04/2018 02:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pengggwn · 09/04/2018 03:25

What's the boyfriend's situation? How is he paying rent and bills? Is it a flat share? How would the other people in the flat share react? How long have they been together? How well do you know him?

Mightymucks · 09/04/2018 04:19

Excellent advice on here. I'm with the cautious support/door left open/don't give money camp

The problem with not giving money for food etc is that the other boy is only a teen too. If they get in a mess with no money DS can go back home. But I wonder if the 19 YO has that option if he misses rent etc?

ButchyRestingFace · 09/04/2018 04:56

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

worstwitch18 · 09/04/2018 05:42

To all posters: please don't engage with trolls, just report and move on.

user1487546656 do you have any other kids? Does your DS have plans for when he finishes school e.g. a particular degree, an apprenticeship etc.

worstwitch18 · 09/04/2018 05:44

mightymucks but the 19 y/o is not OP's problem. Presumably she is not currently helping him with money and he has his own family, maybe they can help out if he needs it.

We don't even know the OP's financial situation!

Mightymucks · 09/04/2018 05:51

He!’s not the OPs problem no. But decent people would also bear in minds that he is little more than a child . If people would happily see a 19 year old fucking up so badly he was left homeless ajdcdestitue.

I stand hyv by what I said earlier. a compromise where BF can comecover or DS can go to the fBF’s place at the weekend is a good compromise. And yes I do think the money OP would normally pay for his food should go direct to him.

TeeBee · 09/04/2018 06:13

Nooooo, don't give him any money if he moves out. When you're living independently, it has to be that surely. That won't help him face the realities of moving out.
The obvious sensible approach is to equip him with the skills to cope...working the washing machine, budgeting, banking, cooking, etc, then leave the door as wide open as possible. No recriminations at all if he changes his mind. I would also be careful of the language you use about the subject. 'Changing your mind/having a rethink' is better than things 'not working out'. You don't want to feel as though he has to admit failure if he comes home. I'm quietly giggling at the thought of my 15-year old moving out. He'd be home as soon as he realised the dishwasher needs stacking every day.

TeeBee · 09/04/2018 06:23

I do think him staying at his boyfriends over the weekends is a good idea. But I would merely put it in the mix of options for him to consider. The whole thing will probably be partly related to having privacy around sex so that could be a good compromise.

rwalker · 09/04/2018 06:57

being practical you can't stop him best thing is to make sure he continue his education. Why don't you suggest he says at home mid week and live with bf fri to mon. Realisticly it will probably just run it's course

newdaylight · 09/04/2018 06:58

"He's 15. Fifteen everyone. Wake up. It;'s illegal for him to have sex with a nineteen year old. His boyfriend coudl end up in jail wiht a record of paedophilia."

I think people have already replied above, but this isn't true, there would be no police response at all. They're close in age and in a mutual relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread