I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

Do you have any idea how it feels when your entire being is offensive to others, seen as "disgusting" and as evidence of your laziness and greed?

What you said may have been literally correct, but it wasn't very kind, was it? Maybe bring kind isn't important to you.

As someone who has struggled with their weight since the age of 12, who has genetically 'fat legs' that look awful even at my slimmest ever weights, (look it up, lymphedema) and who has never ever been a size 10 : it is nowhere near the same being a curvacious size 10 called "skinny" as knowing that your very form disgusts people.

Being obese doesn’t give her the right to put you down. You stuck up for yourself.

And if she’s munching all day there’s no wonder she’s huge. That would annoy me too - in fact it would annoy most people.

Mumsnetters won’t admit it though.

Bluntness100

Rubbish. She said that in direct contravention of what she perceives the other woman to look like. It was horrible and unnecessary. The other woman was probably a bit defensive but the OP was vile.

Oh and I’m quite petite so no “sensitivity,” except to the extent that I’m sensitive about mean nasty people.

I have a friend who commented at the end of my pregnancy about healthy eating and healthy weight gain. And mentioned about a diet and losing weight. Obviously being pregnant I did not want to be losing weight and wouldnt even consider any restrictive dieting.

I was full term, and has gained 10kg which is considered perfectly normal. Despite being 38w pregnant I was still wearing size 12 clothes (i was in size 8-10 pre pregnancy) and they fit perfectly fine. Other than my stomach i had barely gained any weight and it was regularly commented on that from the front or back you couldn't even tell i was pregnant, only if i stood side on.

This friend was a size 32, who weighed over 20 stone and had gradually lost 7 stone in the 5 years prior to my pregnancy. I also had multiple other people call me "fatty" etc despite me being thinner than them at 9m pregnant.

The comments annoyed me no end and I was so close to going off on one, but I'm sure she didn't mean it in the way it came across. I guess my point is that sometimes people say things without thinking about how it comes across. It sounds like your colleague didn't mean to put you down about being skinny, and I'm sure your reaction was a knee jerk and not intended to hurt her.
I wouldn't bring it up unless she does as that will likely hurt more. Just try and think before speaking in the future as sometimes comments that are made in complete innocence can hurt other people.

Just leave it, it would be a false apology, she’ll have a good idea exactly what you were thinking.
If you mention it you’re just compounding things and making her feel worse, maybe that’s your intention as you seem to dislike her so much. Don’t apologise to make yourself feel better.

A size 8 woman can be curvy, as can a size 16. A size 8 woman can also have a straight up and down 'boyish' shape, and a size 16 woman can have a thick waist and be big without being curvy. It's all about the proportions.

As you work with her, I would take her aside and say she thing along the lines of - meant no offence, sorry, as you know she didn’t mean offence by calling you skinny which you don’t like by the way. Trust me on this one - someone 18-20 doesn’t think calling someone skinny is a bad thing. Otherwise it might fester. And don’t get into conversations with larger people about size/ weight, people will thing you’re being a judge arse by claiming to be ‘curvy’ when you’re a small size clothing wise

Marcella Your response is madness. OP never once said she felt disgusted by this woman.

Ouch. That was really thoughtless OP. I don’t know about saying sorry but you could try to go out of your way to be nice as soon as possible.

You both sound as bad as eachother.

Also, do you really feel bad? In your subsequent posts you’ve made additional comments about her eating habits, quite unnecessarily. You sound like a bitch tbh.

You didn’t fat shame her she was rude to you and you retaliated. Size 18-20 is not curvey it’s fat but if she is comfortable with her body that’s great. I am a size 10 (size 8 in some clothes) and would say I was curvy. I have hips, boobs and bum but work hard to stay slim. I actually agree with you that people are very rude at times about someone if they are very slim. It’s just as offensive to call someone a skinny bitch as a fat bitch in my view.

Sorry, lipedema not lymphedema

I don't get how people don't understand skinny shaming is also offensive, they're both body shaming.

OP I think you were fair enough, she gave it first.

I think weight and diet talk should be a banned topic in offices. Aside from being really tedious, it just doesn’t make anyone happy.

Well pepperberry has size ten curvy and super curvy clothes. So yes you can be. I thought it was all to do with differential in hips to waist to boob size?

Obviously fat people, sorry, "curvy" people can be proud of their body, but Christ! If a slim/skinny/muscly/fit person event hints towards being proud of their body, then they are fat shaming bitches who are utterly vile. Oh, and don't even try to defend yourself when someone tries to shame you because then you're being "insensitive".

OP, you did nothing wrong. She decided to pass comment on your body and essentially try to put you down. All you did was explain your view. You didn't call her names or target her in any way, you explained what you considered curvy to be in defence to her comments!!

Btw, I say this as a 5"2 size 12 woman in my 30s. I refer to myself as shapely... Round is a shape isn't it??

The woman was clearly putting her down though, stating how she loved being curvy and would hate to be skinny then telling rhe op she was skinny and not curvy.

Sure rhe op retaliated. I fail to see why because the woman is fat she shouldn't have done so. I would have. If you can give it you need to be able to take it and being fat doesn't give you a licence to put other women down for their bodies without fear of retaliation.

*I wouldn't say a size 10 is curvy, it just isn't. A size 18/20 is normally obese.

I know this, because I am a 18/20. I'm fat, I don't kid myself and use curvy or voluptuous, I'm fat.

Curvy to me is the hourglass figure of someone perhaps a 14/16.*

Of course a size 10 can be curvy. Curvy (and 'hourglass' figure) are shapes, not sizes.

You don't feel bad, you don't want to apologise, you just want people to agree with you. You keep making fat shaming comments in your post. If you want to be two faced, just own it.

Maybe it's a sensitivity thing, but if a woman much larger than me was talking positively about her curves the last thing I would do is start talking about my smaller frame in the same way.

It would seem like I was trying to draw attention to our differences or something - I don't know, but the way you describe what happened just seems really off to me.

Either way, it's going to be awkward as arse.

Most fat women are not simply a blob of fat, they are likely to have large hips and boobs - smaller waist or not will depend on whether apple or pear shaped etc I suppose.
Thinness is valued and fatness is not
While individuals may be treated poorly or rudely because of being thin, there is less overall societal disapproval of thin people than obese ones. Especially to an obese person, to be skinny may be seen as a massive compliment.

I think whether you were ‘wrong’ is neither here nor there. If you think you offended her then you should have a word. If you feel offended you should also have a word. Then move on.

I think the longer you've gone on about this, the clearer it's become that you don't give a shit about this woman. You feel bad about it because you know that you live in a society where fat people are constantly made to feel shit about themselves. She used a really obvious defence mechanism and in your shoes I would have been annoyed too - but I also would have tried hard to be kind rather than right.

As for your 'working hard in the gym for your figure' and judging her food choices - your own issues are showing there. I have been thin, fat and everything in between but in my experience the people who are most harsh on fat people are those people most terrified of becoming fat themselves. The people who know they have the capacity to be the fat person gobbling food down all the time, if they let their control slip.

We hate and fear in others what we hate and fear in ourselves.