I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

TBF she insulted you first by saying she’d rather be curvy than skinny & then called you skinny, implying she’d rather have her figure than yours, so I’d try to give no more thought to it if I were you.

When you are skinny, people (both male & female) always feel they can comment on it. Not in a positive “oh you’ve got such a nice figure” way, more of a “you are too skinny”, “you need to eat more”, “are you anorexic?” type way as if the way you look is abnormal and unattractive. It’s rude and insulting yet when you finally have enough and snap back, you are seen as the rude one!

If she feels bad about her weight it’s not your fault & she shouldn’t project, if she is genuinely happy with her weight, she will think no more of your reply.

Ide find it annoying if someone said I'm not curvy cause I'm skinny. It implies that if your skinny you must be like a pole with no shape when actually I do still have shapes.most women do regardless of weight

Oh, and don't even try to defend yourself when someone tries to shame you because then you're being "insensitive".

Exactly. The woman basically told everyone she'd hate to have a body like the ops. Yet the op is the bad one for defending herself. Because oh the poor woman is fat so that means you should just take it from her when she decides to slam your body,

I would leave it. You know she thinks you are a skinny thing and she knows you think she is an unhealthy weight and fat not curvy as she doesn't have a small waist and shapely bum and boobs like your interpretation of curvy.

At least you now know what each other thinks, hope you feel good for getting that out.

Bluntness100

I agree that the other woman was out of order but, given the huge premium society places on being thin and the corresponding negativity associated with being fat, the OP was being cruel, whereas the other woman was trying to make herself look good.

I think she must have a complex about being fat , i am fat and if this conversation had happened with me i would have said something along the lines of oh yes you do have a lovely figure i would not be in the slightest bit offended , it was a bit tit for tat but i think she was a bit over the top in her reaction

I would suggest that management introduce a no food at desks rule. I would hate being near someone noisily eating every 5 minutes, and they would then be touching everything with greasy fingers . I don't know why some people can not just take a proper break, get up, eat in the lunchroom, then wash their hands!

Peng, yes she was, at the ops expense. She started it. She was rhe one who said she'd hate to have a body like the ops. Being fat doesn't give her a free pass to do this in my view. It simply doesn't.

I don't care what size you are, you don't get to slag off someone else's body to make yourself feel good and then expect not to be called out on it.

OP you've admitted that when she was saying she was curvy you were thinking 'you're not curvy, you're fat'.

To me, that says you weren't innocently agreeing that you also like being curvy. You mentioned the fact you are curvy so you could say what you were thinking without actually thinking it. I.e. No, it is me the slim size 10 with boobs and bum who is curvy, not you.
The whole 'I'm not fat I'm curvy' thing is a bit annoying (and I say this as someone who is bigger than an 18/20) but you made The sly dig first, so you can't really complain about being called 'a skinny thing'. Also we all know that isn't meant as an insult anyway.
I'd leave it unless she continues to be obviously upset. If it is brought up again I'd apologise to her for the sake of good work relations. It's not the end of the world though.

Pengggwn
Why should it be okay for the other woman to say hurtful things 'to make herself look good' and not for the op to say hurtful things to 'make herself look good'?

Bluntness100
Again, I don't disagree, but there is calling someone out, there is two wrongs don't make a right, and then there is being nasty. OP was being nasty.

Exactly this!

She didn't make the sly dig first, the woman saying she'd hate to be skinny then telling the op she was skinny was the first two digs.

Stormyumbrel

I didn't say either was okay.

Peng, my point is the woman was nastier and she started it. Your point is becayse she's fat she should be allowed. This is where we disagree.

Op has gone people!

Good! What a depressing nasty spiteful thread from both women.

If this was my teen dds I would be so ashamed and dissapointed

Bluntness100

I know. What I am saying is, saying someone is skinny is not as bad as say someone is fat. Same as saying someone has a big nose isn't the same as saying someone has a small nose. We all know that our society places a higher value on those with smaller noses (women) and is condemnatory towards those with larger noses. So, yes, the other woman was out of order, but the OP was being cruel.

You were both acting like teenagers at recess.

You were at work. Try being professional and you won’t have this problem

Just to give you a little food for thought OP. (sorry about the unintentional pun)
Doctors have for decades blamed obesity on people basically being greedy. New research suggests that a gut flora imbalance can cause massive problems with appetite regulation, ie basically an immune problem and it's not likely to be rare. Add to that emotional and psychiatric reasons why people overeat and metabolic and hormonal disorders (also now looking to be much less rare than many docs currently believe) and current thinking on carbohydrate and sugar addiction in senstive brains and there are real medical reasons why people are fat that are genuinely beyond their control.
My DD went up to a size 24 because she has very limited mobility due to disability and was only eating normally. A specialist nutrionalist finally assessed her as having a metabolic disorder which required a specific type of diet and subpplements. (her NHS docs don't even consider this and have been haranguing her, without helping, to lose weight for years). On the new regime she is eating more, both in terms of calories and quanity but in the space of a year has gone down to a size 16 and is still reducing.

I mention this because I think you were both out of order but I find your attitude to her eating and the fact that you had to point out how you go to the gym a little judgemental sounding.

Most fat people aren't stupid, nor do they think, I know, I'll eat a lot so I'll get fat...

bluntness

It was the OP who brought herself into it. The woman was talking about being happy as she is rather than being skinny. She didn't say 'skinny like you' or describe the OP as skinny until the OP made it personal and got her sly dig in.
I can understand why the OP found the whole 'I'd rather be curvy...' monologue irritating. Her response was clearly a dig though. If you're going to be like that just own it OP. It's not crime of the century and maybe it will make the woman think twice about such monologues in future.

Flying bird. If you're sitting next to a slim woman saying you'd hate to be skinny then when that woman says I love being curvy too, you tell her she is skinny, the shape you've just said you'd hate to be, then she was referring to the op.

If the op sat there saying I'd hate to be fat everyone would say it was awful. Yet for some reason it's seen as acceptable for this woman to do it becayse rhe op is slim. So she should just shut up and take it.

Agree OP - curvy means an out-in-out figure - I'm slim but curvy myself.

A lot of fat women are not curvy at all - small boobs, big waist & hips but narrow bottom.

It doesn't sound like she was super nice to you first, but you were rude. Your other comments show that you clearly do fat shame, so consider asking yourself why that is?

In terms of the comment to your colleague, Let it go and it will probably blow over.

Yes, @RebelRogue but only one person involved in that exchange is here arguing that they are correct and the other person is wrong and also fat, disgusting, irritating and unhealthy in a really smug superior fashion.

If there was some acknowledgement t that 'curvy' is a subjective description and obviously means different things to different people, I'd be more sympathetic to the OP. But she just sounds nastier and more judgemental with each post so I'm on team UpsetColleague.

Like someone said upthread, people who are slim and people who are heavier can be curvy. I'm a size 18 but I'm nearly 6ft tall so I have space to go in and out, even with all the (awful, disgusting, unhealthy) fat going on there, and I've got fairly slim legs. Stick me in a wrap dress and I'm like a post-2-weeks-All-Inclusive Jessica Rabbit.