I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

peachypetite Yes I think you’re right there!

You feel sufficiently bad to come on here and ask for advice about that incident. That suggests that your conscience is pricking you.. I think you should listen to that and apologise to her..and maybe ask yourself why her eating annoys you so much.

God yes eating all the time is annoying.

I know this because I've just relocated and after ten years of my own office am now open plan. It's cut down my desk snacking by about 80%. I'd have stabbed me with a stapler if I'd had to share an office with me at my old job!

BeUpStanding No she hates anything vegetable/fruit related. She mostly eats crisps

Yep the crunching every 5 minutes would drive me nuts.

You don't work with me do you,
Be upstanding. Im like a little piglet. I never stop munching.

You said curvy is only being in shape and having a small waist implying the other lady's just fat so yes you did fat shame her

But she probably is just fat. And the woman called her skinny. The op simply explained what curvy was factually and that she was. She did nothing awful, not even remotely.

We've gone too far in the sensitivity about weight if it has reached the scale you're expected to lie through your teeth about a factual definition and not proclaim to be curvy when you are , just in case an overweight person realises you know they are overweight.

ItsASairFecht I have felt bad about it all weekend. She looked sad. I just don’t know that if I bring it up I’ll make her feel worse?

Oh dear. I’m going against the grain here. How often have you been shamed about your weight, OP? She wasn’t directing her comments at you, but maybe trying to make herself feel better. You didn’t ‘accidentally’ shame her, you had a direct dig about the fact that she was overweight. Could you not have let her have her moment? I think you were being over sensitive and cruel. Poor woman.

I'm fat and curvy. Size 16/18, hourglass shape - my hourglass just has a lot of extra sand

You can be curvy at any size, yours or hers. It wasn't right of her to call you a skinny thing, she had no reason to comment on your body type. You retaliated but I don't think what you said was any worse than what she said.

Ah well, it was a long shot

"I can't imagine why her eating often would irritate you?"

One of my pet hates in offices as well.

I think her "skinny thing" might have been a compliment gone wrong?
But you will probably make her feel sadder if you apologise so I'd leave it.

I think with work it’s best to avoid talking about body shape etc if you can, so maybe in future don’t engage.
That being said it sounds like you really dislike her for being bigger and eating more etc, why do you think it bothers you so much?

If someone can sit there and make comments about someone else body then they should be able to take it when someone does it back.

I’m blunt with it now. When I get “Omg you’re so small and skinny!”
I reply with
“Omg, you’re so big an fat!”

PositivelyPERF That’s a fair comment. I was irritated by her but should have kept my mouth shut!

If you feel bad about it maybe you could stop doing it now? So her eating and weight disgusts you and your feelings slipped out? They’re out now. Not much you can do about it. We get it she’s fat because she’s not as good as you. You don’t need to explain why you’re right.

If she looked sad, it suggests she's not that happy.

Which if she's an 18/20 I can understand as I've been that weight (and higher) and I hated it. And yes, I was in denial about it and pretended to myself and everyone else that I was perfectly happy

Sparklesocks She does irritate me tbh. The constant eating and constantly asking me if I want to eat something.... I just want to get in with my work in peace

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP

She insulted you first

If you had said to her unprompted "I love my curvy figure and tiny waist", that would be insensitive but she was voicing her opinion without it being asked for so you gave her an alternative opinion.

The use of the word curvy as an alternative to fat annoys me too. Being curvy is about your proportions so it's perfectly possible to be slim or overweight and be curvy but a lot of the larger ladies who claim to be curvy are actually just fat.

Slanetylor I don’t think I was right to say it

Why don't you slip a her a box of malteasers in the morning,with a smile and a sorry if I was narky,didn't mean it

She obviously prides herself on feeling curvy and was probably saying was she was saying partly to make herself feel more confident. She likely disagreed you were curvy because you're lucky enough to be slim and she wants the curvy label to feel good about herself being bigger, it will lose it's effect for her if slim women can be curvy too. Then you essentially told her she isn't curvy, just fat.

She attempted to put you down for being slim, presumably to make herself feel better. You put her down for being big, because you were irritated. You were both in the wrong but if she was the only one to be upset by it you probably owe her an apology. However, as the whole weekend has passed I think you'll make it worse if you bring it up.... just apologise if she brings it up.

I would have let it slide.

Obviously I think you're right and in fact, even with a BMI of 23, I know that my hip to waist ratio is MORE curvaceous when I lose a five pounds, so thinner really does equal more curvy for ME, but But is there really any point rubbing that in the face of a seriously overweight woman??

Just............ why.

You’re right, being curvy is having boobs and a bum.

Don't feel guilty at all lovely, she clearly has her own issues and it's not right for her to 'skinny shame' you as much as fat shaming, which you didn't do, btw.

Fuck her, she's clearly jealous and is taking her frustration out on you