I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

My healthcare is comprehensive from diagnosis to treatment for me and my kids. So I wouldn't even need to use the NHS for a diagnosis. I make other sacrifices so I can pay for that as I lost a friend to cancer and her survival chances would have been much higher had the NHS been able to get her through the scans and tests much faster. Instead she had GP visits over and over and something like a 4 month wait for tests. I wouldn't want me or my kids in that situation. Other than physio, I've never had to use it but we will when we need to.

The reason I could shut down the children argument is because it wasn't a good argument; children are a necessity. Obesity is a problem.
The NHS was set up before obesity was an issue. Before many things were an issue. It simply isn't equipped to cope. If they had the money, if staff were being paid a proper wage and there were enough doctor's and nurses, then I'd have no issue with people being tested for anything.
But that's not the case. Being realistic, the country can't afford the obesity epidemic. There's way to solve it and bring in more money (like a 1% fee on the stock market which economists have suggested before). But unless they take those measures to fund the NHS, then people need to change how they view it.
I could go on for days about people who get paracetamol on prescriptions - It costs 20p but it costs the NHS the time of the consultation and the pharmacists time, and the more expensive cost of their drugs. So it's not just obesity that's the problem, but that's what is being discussed here.

Fair fucks to you there @ava .

Avasarala Tue 10-Apr-18 12:10:49

"No, let's not ignore all the other things. I've posted similar things about drink drivers being made to pay for the medical treatments needed for he injuries they cause"

Not on the Ant McPartlin threads you havent Or any of the other threads ive been on relating to alchohol. Why is that if you claim to feel as strongly about it as you do. Im teetotal btw And have never ever been drunk. But if i went on the sober threads and showed a similar attitude to you i bet the rules would be different.

But i bet if i

Tbh, yes I'm overweight and have been on and off throughout my life. But it hasn't cost the NHS anything as yet, physically I've always been very healthy. I am depressed, though, which has cost some GP appointment time. And I've had investigations and ops for my gynae issues and one cycle of IVF.

Being overweight doesn't always mean that a person is unhealthy. I'm not saying it's ideal, obviously, but other factors do need to be taken into account.

Fully comp healthcare to cover all of the expenses related to your extreme sport hobbies, except it doesn't cover A&E which would bear the brunt of any costs relating to any injuries imcurees during said extreme sports

It's interesting that fat seems to be the only horrible insult it's deemed ok to use. Even calling someone skinny isn't ok!

Ilike,

Fat is not an insult per se. It is a statement of fact.

Of course it would be rude to tell someone to their face that they were fat, unless asked. On the other hand, the OP merely clarified what curvy meant in response to a snippy comment from a coworker.

If someone is happy to be fat or not happy and trying to lose weight, that is purely personal. When I see a fat person running on a treadmill, all I think is good for you, that is fantastic and admirable and, generally, over the next few weeks or months, I see them getting noticeably thinner.

What is annoying is the desire to redefine what fat is and the use of euphemisms which redefine perfectly good words (e.g 'curvy' or 'large'). Especially annoying is when fat people seek to disparage people of normal and healthy weight, as in the actual OP (which is what this thread is meant to be all about).

Yes obesity, and any other supposedly self-inflicted health problem costs the NHS money. But it saves the country a lot of money in pensions. Stats suggest that the cost to the NHS of obesity has previously been vastly over-rated due to not taking this into account. iea.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Obesity-and-the-Public-Purse-PDF.pdf
Sports injuries are also costly to treat. If anyone has bothered to compile the data on that I have yet to find it.
We could argue every point till the cows come home...

Wow, the stench of moral superiority is getting a tad overwhelming.
Viva la sisterhood!

Why is it annoying that people use euphemisms for fat? We use euphemisms for everything else.

There are polite, medical terms for it: overweight, obese, etc. There are polite, euphemisms for it: curvy, curvaceous, etc. I don't think the term curvy is exclusively for a slim person, it's for anyone who has obvious curves. You can have an hour glass figure and be a size 8 or a size 18, both are curvy but one is overweight. It's unkind to use words which you know are going to be hurtful when you've no personal concerms for the health of the person involved or no inclination to actually help them. If you're simply pointing out how their body is different and how you perceive that to be less attractive then you're being nasty.

ILikeMyChickenFried

"Obese" isn't a "polite" medical term for fat - it means VERY fat. It's the equivalent of skeletal as opposed to thin.

Curvy is a body shape. To use it as a euphemism for someone who is actually just fat and not curvy (as opposed to someone who is fat and curvy) is supporting delusion and body dysmorphia.

There are polite, euphemisms for it: curvy, curvaceous, etc. I don't think the term curvy is exclusively for a slim person, it's for anyone who has obvious curves. You can have an hour glass figure and be a size 8 or a size 18, both are curvy but one is overweight
Exactly. Some people have tried to redefine curvy to mean fat.

You can be curvy at a size 8 and curvy at a size 18.

Someone choosing to tell a smaller curvy person that they are not curvy is them being disparaging. Someone pointing out that curvy refers to a body size is not unreasonable.

However much some want to rewrite language to suit their sensitivities curvy does not mean fat.

You both passed comment on each other. So quits. Equal.

The OP turned it around to suggest the larger woman wasn't curvy though as she didn't have a small waist. She was rude.

I think both are curvy tbh and neither is better than the others. If she is happy with her body, great, that is rare to find in a women, so good on her. If she said it to make herself feel better, then that is how she copes. If she said it to portray a false impression then she is probably insecure and there is no need to be mean. As someone who was a healthy size with a good figure who went through a terrible couple of months and put on a couple of stone in 6 months and then fell pregnant and at 20 weeks noone knows, I am constantly having people talk to me about diets and eating healthily and tbf it is no one's business and quite frankly rude. It sounds like you have a great figure and work hard for it so that's great but because you are curvy and love your body why cannot she be curvy and love hers aswell? She probably said the skinny thing out of jealousy as after putting on weight I would love nothing more than after giving birth and getting back in shape than someone calling me skinny. It was an insult to you but may be a compliment to others. Maybe compliment her on herself sometime, tell her she looks nice in a dress or has done her hair nice :)

Absolutely Olive. It's nice to be nice!

Fat is not an insult per se. It is a statement of fact.

If a person is medically obese yes. Other than that it is a subjective opinion.

Fat is not an insult per se. It is a statement of fact.

It’s both. Lots of things are both statements of fact and insulting. Ugly, for example, or stupid.

What a vile thread (in parts). And some really not very nice posters. And a not particularly nice OP. (Preens her own halo of perfection😇 )

calling someone ‘skinny’ is just as insulting as calling someone ‘fat’

No, it really isn’t

Haven't read the whole thread. The colleague started it by bodyshaming the OP.

I am a similar size to OP and also flatchested and have lost count of the times that other women have bodyshamed me for not being 'a real woman' (I loathe that expression) and told me that men don't like women that have my body shape. If I listened to any of their bullshit I would get very upset on a regular basis, so I just block it out.

Poverty is a leading cause of obesity.

Societal factors play as large a part here as personal responsibility.

No, it really isn’t
It is when being slim seemingly means your exercise, eating and lifestyle habits are up for discussion purely to make others feel better about their choices.

Few people would go into a staffroom at lunch and say check you out fatty. How come you're eating that? You really need to eat x y z instead. How much are you eating?! No wonder you're so fat. I take it you'll be spending the weekend binge watching netflix to keep you that size..

Yet it is fairly common in almost every place I work to hear check you skinny minnie. Why are you eating that (perfectly balanced and healthy meal)? You need some chips. Have a few of mine if you want. You need some meat on your bones. Look at you. If that's what you're eating then no wonder you're so skinny. Look Charlotte brought some cake in for us all. Get one of those down you. It's onlt a cake. Hardly going to go on your hips. You're off to the gym/fitness competition tbis weekend. That makes sense. No wonder there's nothing on you.
(Said skinny person is comfortably in the middle of a healthy weight so not actually that small)

Sure, I might see an obese person eating an extra large macdonalds and think hardly a healthy choice or find myself inwardly eye rolling when the repeated dieter is tucking into biscuits complaining that they can't lose weight, but I would never say anything because it's not kind. Much as I would love to tuen round one day and say well i wouldn't be this size if I ate your lunches and the same amount of sugary crap, I won't because giving unsolicited diet advice is weird and pointless. Shame that principle doesn't go the other way.

Eh? Fat people get comments in their food, exercise and clothing choices every day.

i got LOADS of nasty comments when i was 21 stone Not very nice ones either.

On another thread someone went into McDonald's to buy shock horror a bottle of water and got called a fat cunt. It happens.

Clearly both fat and thin shaming happens, and no they are not ok.

You don't know what's going on with the thin person, mocking their body is unacceptable, even if you personally find it funny and wish to be their size.

The issue I tIhink comes in due to thr words. Skinny can indeed sometimes be a compliment, "oh, you've done so well on your diet, you look so skinny in that dress, you look fantastic" is a compliment. "You're so skinny, eat a few pies" is not. Neither is "you're not curvy, you're just skinny" as in the op.

However fat is always an insult. Even if the person is overweight, no one wants to be told, "wow, you can see just how fat you are in that dress".

So I think the lines get blurred. It's not a competition on which is worse, it's simply unacceptable to put someone down for their body, to negatively comment on them, whatever their size, it's particularly not ok in the ops example, to do it to make yourself look/feel better.