I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

Yikes typos! Hope that made sense to someone

Also the bastard fat cells that have grown don't go away. They sit there, waiting to be refilled. And holding onto all sorts of stuff like vitamins and hormones as well as trying their damn best to get you to eat potatoes and fill them up again.

If only everything in our bodies were that efficient!

Yes, that’s been my experience too @maisy, but then I’ve never been a very fat / obese person. I’m told that it can make you a bit of a target.

Although, we’re all targets in some way. I had to laugh when someone made a nasty comment in a bar that I was “average looking”. Try harder next time dickhead !

DanceDisaster

Well done - 10 weeks post birth would be impressive enough, but post CS is just

Nobody needs to justify themselves to me, that's not what I said. I am just saying that the ridiculous BLANKET excuses coming up on here sounds like desperate and vague justification about themselves (that no one is asking for but that they feel the need to give because they feel that overweight people are being attacked because of the truth that there ARE a lot more overweight people now). It is like how OP's colleague makes a point of continually saying she is happy with her weight/men find her attractive - it's the sort of thing someone would not say if these things were true.

You're so right, @SaucyJane it's been the bane of my life, yo-yo dieting. I've fluctuated between sizes 10 and 18 and all sizes in between. I think the reason it's so hard to keep the weight off is because it's so hard not to relapse into bad habits once you've successfully lost the weight. That's why it's better not to use the phrase 'on a diet' but to make necessary lifestyle changes, like being more active, healthy diet etc.

Ah shucks @willy. I wasn’t mentioning it for the praise...

Actually, yes I really was mentioning it for the praise. I’m a praise-hungry, praise monster! PRAISE ME!

Ahem... sorry about that. Did I mention that sleep deprivation has made me a bit silly this morning?

it's so hard not to relapse into bad habits once you've successfully lost the weight. That's why it's better not to use the phrase 'on a diet' but to make necessary lifestyle changes, like being more active, healthy diet etc.
Absolutely.
It's hard to change habits.
Although slim, my diet used to be awful and not terribly healthy. I also did no exercise other than walking places. It took a long time to shift habits and make better choices that were healthier

Same for changing habits for weight loss. It's a lifestyle shift. It's difficult but doable

YY to the yo-yo dieting problem. My sister who struggles a lot with weight is a prolific crash dieter. She has done them all and some of them were just nuts; maple syrup diet? Has anyone heard of that? Anyway, she could always drop stones for a big event and then put it on again but now has settled in to being constantly really quite overweight. She’s finally got the message that diets don’t work for her any more and she is making small changes instead. Probably a bit outing, but she’s also a doctor now, so maybe that’s helped her realise what she was putting her body through with all the yo-yoing.

This seems to bring out the worst in some people. The lack of empathy is quite sickening tbh.

Yes I would second this. There some nasty fuckers about that's for sure.

I am a fat person. I don’t particularly like it but I’m busy looking after my family and living my life, weight loss is time consuming and I choose to do the best I can for everyone and fit in me time when I can. It’s hard when you’re running a family which includes a daughter with a medical condition plus running a business. I am not making excuses, I choose how I spend my time and what I eat.

My bugbear is thin people who see it as their role to ‘educate’ me (which usually involves either shaming or preaching) about the error of my ways. I have two university degrees - fat doesn’t equal stupid. I have a demanding life - fat doesn’t equal lazy. I know that I’m fat. I have a mirror and I have labels in my clothes and a brain. I know that to lose weight, I need to both increase my activity (I’m in the gym three times a week) and decrease my calorie intake (I like food). I don’t need judgement, I don’t need pity, and I certainly don’t need patronising ‘education’.

So when/if you have weight related medical conditions, will you be paying for the treatments yourself? Or getting them from the NHS?

The reason is not just a personal problem for each overweight person is because having overweight people in our population costs trillions of pounds a year. Just on healthcare. Then there are the costs to the economy.

It is a global problem and actively affects everyone, because it uses up resources which could be better spent elsewhere. No obesity would mean a drastic decrease in spending on certain medical conditions, which would make more money available for disease and injury which are not self inflicted.

There are plenty of other self inflicted medical issues, before anyone starts on about those, but this is a conversation about obesity. So limit the discussion to that.

You're actively making the choice to stay big, but if you need medical treatment because of that, it's every taxpayer who picks up the bill.

So it's our business to. It's not just a personal choice for you.

“There are plenty of other self inflicted medical issues, before anyone starts on about those, but this is a conversation about obesity. So limit the discussion to that.

You're actively making the choice to stay big, but if you need medical treatment because of that, it's every taxpayer who picks up the bill.

So it's our business to. It's not just a personal choice for you.”

What a fucking horrible post. “Let’s only talk about overweight and obesity as a drain on the nhs and forget about all the other self inflicted ailments, because I say so”. Obesity makes people tend to be less healthy, but the individual you addressed your nasty post to does not have a direct effect on you at all. You are a bully looking for a reason to bully a fatty. Have a word with yourself.

The weight related medical thing pisses me off because the NHS is spending a shit ton of money of loads of people due to their personal choices every year.

Are they going to say no we won't treat the shattered leg of yours because you chose to go skiing.

How about the recovery from a horrendous motor bike crash? They'd have been much safer on a bus, no free NHS for them!

No, let's not ignore all the other things. I've posted similar things about drink drivers being made to pay for the medical treatments needed for he injuries they cause. And I do extreme sports so I have private healthcare and have used it for physio. So I actively pay for my own self inflicted injuries.

But this is a conversation about obesity. But instead of facing up to and accepted the very real costs to the rest of society, people start going "well, what about alcoholics, what about suicide attempts, what about sports injuries". Yes, you can make arguments for all of that and feel free to start a thread on it. But this thread is about obesity, so don't derail it by saying "well, there are other problems too so let's not bother trying to fix anything".

A bully? People should be very careful before using that word in a situation which no way merits such a label.

People are allowed to see obesity has a huge drain on an already crumbling NHS.
On the whole, obesity is about greed.

We could just derail it by being plain nasty I stead, hey?

The fact that other things also needlessly cost money does not negate the fact that obesity needlessly costs money.

And we're talking about obesity, not all the other things. Go talk about them in another thread.

It's like saying "clean the bathroom" And then replying "No, because the living room needs cleaned as well".

They might all need sorting out, but for the purpose of this chat, they have no bearing.

@BeUpStanding

I wonder who you are thinking of there

Thing is people like to judge, people like to call names. Basically people like to do anything and everything that doesn't actually help overweight people.

There s one thing people having advice and support from friends and family who care for them. Everyone else is just being nasty and enjoying their sense of superiority

You brought up the nhs. For all you know the poster you were addressing is healthier than you are. You don’t see anyone else saying “don’t bring up the nhs. This is a conversation about being curvy, not health or problems with funding in the nhs”. You can’t dictate how these threads go. It’s a bit bossy and controlling of you to try tbh.

When some people make the “it’s my business because of the cost to the nhs” it smacks of someone who just wants to make someone else’s weight their business. At a societal level, fine, but you don’t have any business telling that poster that she is personally responsible for the costs to the nhs. And the fact you tried to shut down the conversation after you launched your little bully bomb speaks volumes to be frank.

And I would second the argument about motor bikes, extreme sports enthusiasts (who don’t have private insurance - and btw, afaik there is no private a&e department in the uk, so you could end up costing the nhs money by participating in an extreme sport even though you’re insured). I’d go further and ask, what about people who choose to have babies (like me). I’ve cost the nhs tonnes with two babies, pre and post natal care plus some hospital admissions with poorly babies. My choice to have them.

Yes we know that obesity costs money, @Avasarala but telling an overweight person they need to lose weight doesn't help them to achieve that. Your lectures on the issue just make you sound judgemental and self-righteous, they won't actually lead to a single person changing their lifestyles. Yo-yo dieting is bad for the health as well, and eating disorders.

FYI, I'm quite overweight at the moment, not obese, size 12/14. I'm on anti-depressants and feeling low because of my past. I know I could do with losing a stone or so, but it's not a priority right now. My DDs, though, are very slim and healthy and I'm keen for them to stay that way.

@DanceDisaster

Without children, there are no younger workers to fund the pensions of the retired workers. Without children, there is no one to care for the elderly, to innovate, to advance research and development. To keep the country running. Comparing the cost of children to the cost if obesity is completely ridiculous. Same for birth control, too many unwanted/unplanned children born into households who are not ready for them/can't afford them ends up becoming another drain. So birth control is just as vital. And should be freely available.

The point I'm making is that is agree that many things are a drain to the NHS, but they have no impact on the cost of obesity. Feel free to discuss them, demand that people pay their own way etc, but you cannot say "well this costs money, so who cares that obesity costs money". And that is the argument people usually respond with.

You don't ignore an unclean bathroom just because the living room also needs cleaned. You sort them all out. You start somewhere. Since this chat is about obesity, the other stuff isn't relevant.

@DanceDisaster

The point is, I do what I reasonably can to cover any costs associated with an injury. It's not possible for me to pay for a private A&E so I can't. But I do what I can.

Oversight people are not always doing what they can to take responsibility. That one posted actively said she is choosing to stay that way because it would take effort to lose weight, and she doesn't want to put the effort in.

It sounds like a personal choice, but when millions make that choice, it becomes a cost that society cannot bear. So it is a societal point.

You really have an unpleasant and patronising way with word @ava.

Comparing the cost of children to the cost if obesity is completely ridiculous.

You’re very good at shutting down other people’s arguments and dismissing other people’s opinions. You are coming across to me, whether or not you mean to, like a very disrespectful and condescending individual.

It’s great that you take personal responsibility for your extreme sport by paying for insurance and that’s commendable. But I’m sure you realise that this isn’t the norm among nhs service users. Presumably, you’d do similar and buy insurance if you found yourself very overweight, long term, for some reason. Fair’s fair and if that’s your view on the nhs and how we should use it then that’s fine. But I’d say that’s a pretty unusual view and a massive deviation from the point of this thread, which is a bit ironic seeing as you were so adamant that we stick to the subject.

She's fat, fact. She was rude , you weren't.

Two unconnected things. She was rude, you don't apologise!

What a boring lunch break.