I fat shamed my colleague

[Notmyname2018]

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

It's interesting reading this in the cold light of day, it's clearly a very emotive subject.

On one side you have people saying many people are over weight due to poor diet and lifestyle
On the other side you have people saying overweight is often due to emotional issues, mental health or medical conditions.

Both are ultimately correct. People are over weight due to any one or a mix of those issues,

I think we all bring it back to our own experiences, for me, when I've gained weight it's not due to mental health or a medical condition, it's due to the fact I have a love affair with Ben and JERRY, it's shockingly easy to gain weight, and relatively quickly at that. Many of my friends are the same, takeaways, crisps, wine,chocolate, we all can fall into a habit of eating that stuff regularly and the weight piles on before you even notice it,

I don't happen to know anyone personally with an eating disorder or apparent mental health/medical conditions that may make them gain weight, everyone I know is like me, it's very easy to put on weight if you over indulge. Losing weight is clearly not easy for anyone, it's a ball ache.

However that's not to say for other people, it is not an emotional, mental health or medical problem. I think we all agree for a proportion that's true. I think the disagreement is on what exact proportion of the 65% of the British population who is overweight falls into what category, where it's "not their fault" v "it is my fault".

I think on an individual basis the issue comes in when a person tries to blame an external factor and not accept personal responsibility, when it really is down to them, because you can never resolve it if you don't take personal responsility, but that is their personal war to fight and no one else's business.

if you are a normal height woman and size 14, you are overweight; size 18, you are fat.

I love the way you’re proclaiming your own personal (and quite odd) classification system as fact here. They’re both overweight and fat surely.

What’s a size 16 out of interest?

Ok..lets look at this from another angle..if a fat person (and remember, fat people know they are fat, so it's not about informing them of something they don't already know) prefers to be called curvy rather than fat (and you can call me what you like personally, I don't mind) what does it actually matter to those of you who object to doing it? what does it cost YOU to refer to them as curvy rather than fat? Is it a huge sacrifice on your part to use a different word? or is it that you feel if you use a different word you are somehow letting them off with being overweight? If you do feel like that why do you think YOU have the moral authority to make sure that a fat person knows they are fat and never forgets it?

I agree, curvy is now simply a euphemism for over weight, I said it earlier, and a kinder way to refer to it. Is it accurate, no probably not, but it is synonymous in most people's minds now with overweight/fat, yes it is. I don't think it's makes any difference what word you use, everyone knows the meaning. It's all a bit silly really.

Bluntness100
I'm with you.
Yes there are some factors which affect obesity and being overweight. But people are far too quick to find a reason why it's not their fault ans why they're just passive victims of the universe. As someone said, shifting ti healthy choices and losing weight can be difficult for some. Some make a decision to put their health first. Others find it much easier to justify their situation because it's difficult to do anything about.

But then I've seen people who've claimed for 5 years that they can't lose weight and full of excuses. Then they made a decision to do something about it. It was bloody hard for some of them. One friend was seriously obese. They are still carrying a bit now but the woman is a bloody hero in my eyes. Her first 'runs' were probably slower than average walking pace but she stuck with it. She is so much healthier now. There's a health programme in my region specialising in helping people shift their lifestyle. It's very popular and has great results. Is it hard? Yes. But it's full of people saying you know what, I can't keep down this route / I need ti sort my health out.

Regardless of whether OP commented rightly or wrongly two people came out if this hurt by each others thoughtlessness. OP realises this and should apologise. She might receive one in return or if it was me that made the skinny comment maybe not because I would have thought I was being complimentary and would not have dreamed anyone would take that the wrong way. I'm not sure ignoring it is the best course of action on the long run.

Logically if the predominant issue was mental health or medical complications you wouldn't see adverts like the cancer one sighting obesity as the second biggest cause of cancer. Because if most people couldn't do anything about it that would be outrageous to then tell them they will die of cancer. You also wouldn't see all the government campaigns trying to educate the population, on max daily calories, fruit and veg needs, and you wouldn't see things like a sugar tax, making it more expensive for people to buy these things and forcing them to make healthier choices. etc etc. Those actions would all indicate a lifestye and poor diet issue for many.

However there are folks who do have mental health/medical problems, I think the only disagreement is on what proportion are over weight due to poor diet and lifestyle v how many are overweight due to other factors outwith their control.

This is all on a macro level though. When you get to the micro level, the individual, then that can sway opinion, and of course emotion also gets in the way.

Either way though, gaining weight due to over indulgence is just so easy to do and so quick, and losing it isn't easy, it always takes you out your comfort zone, but going there and staying there is a personal decision that only the individual can make.

There is definitely an underlying disapproval of fatness in our society. I remember my friend’s mum once saying with venom, that “there is no sight more disgusting than a fat person eating a burger”. Even as a (skinny) child I thought “really? NO SIGHT more disgusting”? She was a perfectly normal women in other ways and very kind to me. She just had an ingrained revulsion for fat / overweight people and especially those who dared to eat in public . That’s why these threads get a bit sensitive imo.

Obviously, it works both ways and people can be wicked about underweight people too. We had a severely underweight girl at school who had a serious eating disorder and people used to talk about her and point and things when they saw her in the street. It was horrible. She just put her poor head down and marched.

I think some of the “just move more and eat less” comments are a bit ignorant or deliberately obtuse. Surely people know it’s more complicated than that. There’s tonnes of research on it and a whole diet industry as already discussed on here. If it was easy, there’d be no need or market for any of that.

Equally, “just eat more” would be a totally unacceptable thing to say to someone who was underweight.

It is upsetting for anyone who is either battling with their weight or who knows someone for whom it is a battle when people say “why don’t you just..”? It definitely minimises or makes worse the guilt, shame and emotion involved when it comes to food and overweight / underweight.

I do think the same posters I see on here who feel the need to bang the “just get it together and stop stuffing your face” drum can’t be as obtuse as they’re making out. It comes across as bullying tbh. If you aren’t in that boat, (battling with weight and food issues), then you aren’t in a position to claim how simple it is or whose fault / choice it is to be fat or thin. And for all the claims of “I’m not attacking the individual”, re-read some of the posts “...YOU chose to be fat”, “people need to take personal responsibility”, etc. It sounds very much like attacks on the individual. I mean, it’s not like fat people are doing you any harm, why do people feel the need to put the world to rights on these threads when someone else being fat or thin doesn’t effect them in any way whatsoever? Can’t you just accept that not everyone is the same? For some people, (like me as I’ve already said), shifting a few lbs as I need to just now, is just a matter of eating a bit better and doing some more exercise, but for others, (like my sister who I’ve already mentioned), it’s a much bigger issue. And unfairly, I think the issue stems from her strong desire to be slim and movie-star-beautiful. Luckily for me, I never was particularly pretty as a child or adult, so I don’t have the same issues.

You have no idea when you look at a fat / overweight / skinny / underweight person, why they are that way. So maybe wind your necks in and stop being mean-spirited wind bags about it?

This seems to bring out the worst in some people. The lack of empathy is quite sickening tbh.

See I'd just say to move on rather than dig it up again.
The OP mentioned that they were curvy and was told they aren't by someone using the word incorrectly.

I think I'm quite athletic. If a broader built more muscular person told me I'm not athletic because they are athletic I'd have no issue saying 'but althetic build is a build not a size'.

Same thing.

I'd have more of an issue with the endless eating at work mind. Usually workplaces (rightly) have a policy on that.

I think it is fascinating that both Bluntness and Maisy read about people having reasons why they struggle with their weight and hear only excuses. No matter what the issue ultimately it is only the person themselves who can change - personal reasonability doesn’t preclude a compassionate understanding that the reasons are complex and difficult to overcome - and “just lazy/greedy” really doesn’t explain a lot of it. I wonder why this is so hard to accept.

I very clearly did not say I heard only excuses. I clearly said there was reasons.

I'm all grown up. I can put my point across well. You do not need to put words in my mouth and twist what I said to cause a nun fight. I was very clear indeed. There are reasons some people are over weight, th issue is on the proportion of over weight people who have reasons v lifestyle choice.

In the time it took me to type my last post Bluntness has made another post again conflating “issues that make it very hard to undereat” with “they have no ability to change or personal responsibility”. I’m out.

WTAF?

That’s not true. You say if most people can’t do anything about it, referring to the claim that there are underlying issues. Underlying issues don’t mean people can’t do anything about it. (I can guarantee I’ve lost more weight in my life than you have - being on diets since childhood tends to do that!)
I’m not sure why some posters are so keen to prove their point when they don’t have skin in the game, so to speak, and to put down those who clearly are invested in the issue and struggling.
—really put this time—

Because there is a difference between a reason and an excuse.
And even if someone has a reason for being overweight (as a relative of mine does), they still have some element of personal responsibility.

So take 2 relatives/family friends of mine (both overweight)
Person A - leads a sedentary lifestyle and has a poor diet. They are full of excuses about why they can't do anything about it and continue to drink lots of fizzy drinks, take outs etc.

Person B - has a health issue leading to them carrying more weight but they aim to be as active as they can and they make healthy food choices e.g. healthy meals from scratch, doesn't get into endless ckae eating at the office etc.

Person B could say 'i have a health issue and then eat rubbish and not be active, but they don't. Sure, they are probably always going to carry a bit but they don't make excuses for a poor diet. I love going to their house for food. It's always delicious. They can't change their condition, but they can decide what they are going to put in their body and they can choose to go for a short walk instead of sitting on the sofa.

There's a reason for health campaigns about 5 a day, change for life, being sugar aware etc. It's because most people can make choices about their lifestyle.

I was very clear indeed. There are reasons some people are over weight, th issue is on the proportion of over weight people who have reasons v lifestyle choice

The issue which stands out for me is, why are you so invested on finding out the exact proportion of ‘bad fatties’ who are just greedy and lazy compared to ‘good fatties’ who have bigger issues? It’s hard not to assume you have some sort of axe to grind here, as you’ve been banging on for pages about the same old crap; how most fat people “choose” to be fat. You don’t know that. You have no idea why any given person is fat or thin or whatever. I’d say the same if you were harking on about people “choosing” to be underweight fwiw.

On a lighter note, I enjoyed your “nun fight” typo . Don’t know why, it made me chuckle. Sleep deprivation may have made me hysterical... I have a newborn.

There's a reason for health campaigns about 5 a day, change for life, being sugar aware etc. It's because most people can make choices about their lifestyle

Well exactly, but the problem for a fat person is that they are likely to be judged when they go out, regardless of whether they eat their five a day etc. If a fat person queues up in a cafe to buy a healthy snack, they’re constantly anxious that some knob might snigger or make comments at them for ordering food. If a day person gets on a bike or goes running or swimming they make themselves targets for nasty comments. Making healthy choices isn’t as easy when you’re struggling with this sort of shit. And even if they do make these healthy choices, some clever dick will smugly assert that they’re choosing to be fat anyway.

Day person? Fat person.

Mumsnet is the only place in the world where people actually argue the statistically impossible eg that the majority if not all fat people suffer from medical or mental health issues. It's like another recent thread where all men sitting down in an antenatal clinic must've had hidden disabilities. Mind-boggling.

We just live in an entitled, oversensitive and very lazy world. Ava has given multiple reasons for weight increase, most of which are societal. This was an area in which she worked and knows what she is talking about. But obviously overweight people on this post want to continue trying to justify their weight by insisting that pointing out facts is bullying, and obesity mustn't actually be anyone's fault. Two people here have a proper medical condition that accounts for weight gain. MOST fat people do not! Everyone I know who has gained weight did it because they enjoyed food, but managed to stop before it became a serious situation. It's not right that one can sit in a shopping centre and look round and see mostly fat people. It's BULLSHIT that OP gets told she isn't curvy when she is, because we now have to use that word incorrectly to spare the fucking feelings of someone who eats all day at their desk. I can't stand how everyone is so deluded and sensitive now - one PP even compared fat shaming to ugly or disabled shaming!? What the actual fuck? As if being fat is the same as being disabled? Grow up.

I would like to point out that anti-depressants can increase appetite and lead to people overeating. I've found that before. Although this is also because someone who is depressed is very likely not having enough exercise.

One thing that never helps anyone to lose weight is fat shaming. It's more likely to make the person eat even more, as so many overweight people 'comfort eat'.

Another reason is that is is very hard to keep weight off once you've lost it. Your body fights hard to get back to its fat weight. It means constant vigilance and not everyone can keep that up. The stats on people managing to keep weight off make for depressing reading

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.livescience.com/53942-weight-loss-biology.html

overweight people on this post want to continue trying to justify their weight by insisting that pointing out facts is bullying, and obesity mustn't actually be anyone's fault

If that was at me, fwiw, I have a 10 week old baby and I am approximately 5lbs overweight. I’ve repeatedly said that I am fortunate enough NOT to have any particular issues with losing weight. I DO just need to eat a bit less and do some more exercise (which I’ve just started by going back to Bodypump 10 weeks post CS ).

And anyway, you’re missing my point. I don’t think the majority of people have a health condition blah blah. Fwiw, not that it matters what I think, a lot of it IS societal. Pressures to be thin and youthful etc, low self esteem and general unhappiness of women and increasingly men, don’t fit a certain mood. I think it’s just a ridiculous thing to keep going on about unless you’re someone’s doctor / an expert. Why does anyone have to justify why they’re fat to you or anyone who isn’t directly concerned with their health and well being? You don’t know why any given person is the size they are, so why are there pages of assertions that MOST fat people are x, y or z and “just have to...”. Some posters with a very strange agenda on here and a lot of confidence in their assertions right about other people’s weight problems, with minimal knowledge to back it up.

DanceDisaster
I can only speak for myself and my experiences but any larger people joining any of the fitness classes/running groups/park runs etc I've been in have said how supportive everyone is. Fitness groups are generally quite a nice bunch of people. My DH put it perfectly when a larger man joined his club, 'at the end of the day Brian by being at the club is doing well and 100 times better than others in his situation who are sat on the sofa'. He's right. It doesn't matter that others adapted their training to include Brian who couldn't do as much. He was there and making healthy choices

I'm not going to see a fat person in a cafe and think daft fool just wants to be fat. I don't know them and am probably too busy with my day to notice or care. I probably would notice and think twice if I saw someone large in Macdonalds eating an extra large meal. Either way, I'm not going ti say anything or be a dickhead.

You can't control what other people may or may not think when you go out and about. You can control what you do about your health and what you eat and what you do.