Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I fat shamed my colleague

511 replies

Notmyname2018 · 08/04/2018 20:03

I fat shamed a colleague and I feel bad about it.

She was loudly talking over lunch last week about how she loves being curvy and would much rather be curvey than skinny. I said that I liked being curvy too - she then laughed at me and said you aren’t curvy you’re a ‘skinny thing’. I replied and said I am curvy, I’m a healthy weight, that doesn’t mean I’m not curvy. Curves are about boobs and bum being shapely with a small waist. She then finished her lunch and walked out the lunch room.

To put it in context I’m a size 10, and I work hard in the gym for my curves. She’s a size 18/20 and is constantly eating at her desk, I’d say on average she eats something every 5 minutes (it’s really irritating I admit).

I feel bad because I have upset her but it was a moment of annoyance because she called me a ‘skinny thing’ (in a horrible tone).

Should I apologise or just leave it and try not to engage in this sort of discussion again?

Ps I’ve namechanged.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 09/04/2018 23:20

Bluntness Its interesting that you have pulled up oldbirdy and me for "hijacking" but not a word about Roses "pfft hormones" comment.

So basically to avoid being accused of hijacking old birdy and i should allow our condition to be minimized and just stop posting about it. Because its much more likely of course that TWO of us (old birdy and i ) are wrong than the person who is dismissing and minimizing the condition we both have and wants to continue to be able to froth about overweight people in peace.

Because thats what really behind this attitude.

MaisyPops · 09/04/2018 23:26

panda
Anorexia is totally different to people carrying extra weight. Yet again it's the some people have an eating disorder so let's generalise to make larger people feel better. Some larger people will have eating disorders. Most won't. Or are we at the point of pathologising every element of life to avoid people taking any responsibility?

There are skinny people who would benefit from exercise and a better diet to make them healthier. I know that because I was one of them. I could have moped around feeling sorry for myself and being all peoples be so mean. This is just how i am or I could get off my arse and take responsibility for my own health.

SaucyJane · 09/04/2018 23:29

Gets loads of dates. Hmm.

Are any of those second/third/fourth dates though??

HelenaDove · 09/04/2018 23:30

And your point Saucy?

Panda81 · 09/04/2018 23:32

Some larger people will have eating disorders. Most won't.

How do you know this?

What studies have been done to show the number of obese people who have an eating disorder and those that don't?

Prancingonthevalentine · 09/04/2018 23:33

Yeah, you never see a fat woman with a partner do you Hmm

HelenaDove · 09/04/2018 23:34

How about some of the people on here start owning their prejudices in the same way they want overweight people to "own they are fat"

Bet some of the cowards on here wouldnt dare to say half the shit on here to someones face in RL.

HelenaDove · 09/04/2018 23:35

I was 19 stone on my wedding day in 1998 Maybe i dreamt it Hmm

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 23:39

Not just anorexia though. There are lots of reasons why people put on weight, or don't look after themselves properly. I put on weight when my husband died because I was so utterly traumatised and depressed. Not lazy at all. Just fucking desperately sad and i couldn't consider caring for myself particularly at the time. No amount of calling me lazy would have made any difference then. People have to be in the right place emotionally to change things about their lives. It took me a long time to dig myself out of that place. You don't know what people have gone through to make them act as they do. Fat people do know they are fat. They don't need to be told. What I do know is that it makes no difference fat shaming people. Just makes them sadder. Why would you want to do that to someone else? Just be happy for yourself that you've managed to stay fit and healthy.

HelenaDove · 09/04/2018 23:40

Noq Im sorry to hear you lost your DH Thanks Thanks

Avasarala · 09/04/2018 23:41

@Panda81

The population being generally overweight started when processed foods became a big thing. We've always had sugar, but it wasn't added to everything so wasn't as big a problem. But now, food is processed, high fat, high sugar, low nutritional value. And people are bigger. Also, we don't need to work outside as much; more office jobs, more cars, public transport. No more walking miles everyday.

These are the main reasons for people being overweight. Bad diet. Not being active.

The population didn't all suddenly develop eating disorders. They simply have easy access to crap food. Women went out to work so the traditional "every family has a woman making home cooked food" thing doesn't happen. And don't come back on that being sexist or saying well, men and women could cook. Yes they could, but with work and kids etc, there's too many people relying on pre-made junk.

We cannot say "it's an eating disorder" and excuse the sheer number of oversight people. It's food choices. It's activity choices.

The sooner people stop screaming "it's not my fault" then the sooner we can fix it.

There will be those with genuine conditions, but honestly... use your common sense to realise that it's simply cultural norms to be lazy and eat junk.

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 23:41

Are any of those second/third/fourth dates though??

Eh? Seriously? Do fat people not have relationships with men then? Confused

SaucyJane · 09/04/2018 23:41

If she is saying men prefer curves, and she gets loads of dates - how many of them actually want to see her again after seeing her curves in the flesh and not just in a posed tinder pic?

I was fat. I did online dating. It was utterly fucking brutal. The lowest point was the man who arrived at the pub, saw me, and left. That was a long 30 mins I spent waiting before it dawned on me.

It culminated in meeting a man who would have been the love of my life - but after a long period of messing me around he admitted I was everything he wanted - "if only I'd been thin".

My current partner now doesn't care what size I am. Ironically I'm now thinner than I've been in a long time, probably because the pressure has been removed!

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 23:42

Thank you Helena ❤️

BMW6 · 09/04/2018 23:44

I am 16.5 stone and can categorically state that I am not "curvy" I am obese

I am prejudiced against people who claim "curvy" when it means obese

Call a spade a spade.

HelenaDove · 09/04/2018 23:46

Saucy those men were arseholes You know that right?

And i say the same when its reversed. I posted this before on here but on a night out a very slim friend of mine was shamed.........she was told by an utter knob "Well you are hardly Nuts magazine material are you? in reference to her small boobs
He just laughed when we told him to fuck off.

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 23:47

If she is saying men prefer curves, and she gets loads of dates - how many of them actually want to see her again after seeing her curves in the flesh and not just in a posed tinder pic

Oh I don't know. My partner met me when I was bigger and he was more than happy with me. Although I can't imagine tinder being the best place to meet genuine people really although I guess there will be a few. Not that I've ever done online dating personally. I wouldn't want to be with someone who said they'd be happier with me if only I was thinner.

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 23:50

I saw a woman walking through town once who was possibly around 16 stone. She looked absolutely gorgeous. She was really curvey, her clothes fitted nicely and looked good on her and she totally radiated an inner confidence in herself that made her look beautiful. Fat people can be curvey.

MarvelleGazelle · 09/04/2018 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJane · 09/04/2018 23:51

Helena - oh yes, eventually I learned that, after a long period of beating myself up. Until I met DP, I had an absolute arsehole magnet!

My point was purely in response to the claim that Op's colleague gets "loads of dates" on tinder - generally I think online dating (and tinder in particular, being that it's mostly for hooking up!) is RIFE with arseholes like that. This girl was clearly trying to make a point to someone who is a different shape to her, despite the fact that the OP is a shape that is actually much more likely to attract someone who goes fishing on tinder. So it made me very Hmm. Tinder isn't known for people looking for a pretty face or a good personality!

Other methods/sites and you tend to meet much less shallow arseholes, I think.

MaisyPops · 09/04/2018 23:52

Avasarala
Exactly.
Hardly surprising that weight gain in America can be linked to the amount of sugar put in things and corn syrup. Also not that surprising when you dig into the 'anti fat in food' lobbying which saw a rise in 'lite' and 'low fat' foods, most of it was funded by the sugar industry. Add in convenience foods and processed foods and food as a reward.

Of course there are situations where people may gain weight. Of course some people have conditons. Both of those situations existed before the average weight for an adult started being overweight.

weneedtotalk · 09/04/2018 23:58

@Avasarala
But you’re forgetting that processed food is addictive.
Not only has food changed, but our relationship with it has also changed. How many people use food as a ‘treat’ or a ‘pick me up’ god knows if I’m having a bad day I often think I’ll treat myself to something nice later. Now, I don’t have an issue with my weight (size 10) however I can see how easily that can escalate to using food as an emotional crutch. In the same way Anorexics deal with stressors through the control of food, someone who’s morbidly obese may do the exact opposite. Both of these are mental issues, with physical side effects.

salsmum · 09/04/2018 23:59

I have a friend who I've known for many years, when us four friends go out she will moan she's cold and usually ask to borrow my jacket or cardigan she's 16-18 I'm 22 size...then she'll make so comment about how big i5 is on her Shock and last time we went for a meal she popped my jacket on then stood up in the restaurant and pulled the bottom part of the jacket out showing how much space there was...I was tired that day coming from a night shift but it was her birthday meal so I made the effort to be there as she she continued I snapped back 'IT DOESN'T FIT YOU BECAUSE ITS MY FLUFFING JACKET! AND ITS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT IM FATTER THAN YOU,GET OVER IT!,, que lots of apologies and 'I didn't mean it like that as she back peddled but the hurt was already done.....why the 'need' to 'fat shame?' To be cruel to a person because they are overweight is hardly going to have a positive effect in fact the exact opposite normally happens What next? Ugly shame? Disable shame? Not saying you're entirely to blame op but clearly her overweight and eating annoys you because you go to the gym Hmm but my DP is really slim and eats like a pig...I don't but eat at the wrong times as a shift worker and am a bit over my desired weight so sometimes can't be helped.

Noqonterf · 09/04/2018 23:59

Both of these are mental issues, with physical side effects

They are.

BMW6 · 10/04/2018 00:03

salsmum
She was being a cunt. Glad you pulled her up on it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread