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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give guests two years notice for a wedding abroad?

171 replies

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 18:11

Just that really me and dp have spoken for a long time about getting married we both want to go abroad although I would happily go with Just the dcs he would like his mum there which means my dad would have to come and then his dad his wife, siblings and then the list goes on (very big family) We have decided on Vegas which I know isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but then they don’t have to come. For a destination wedding would you say two years is plenty notice to afford it should they want to? TIA

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 08/04/2018 19:41

One of dh's cousins is getting married in Canada next year. We were given around 18 months warning and been fine for us. Our intention is to go as that of dh's parents and sisters so I would think that 2 years is more than enough to sort out finances.

As with all destination weddings, I think you have to accept that not everyone will want to come even if they can afford it though.

Loandbeholdagain · 08/04/2018 19:44

We couldn’t but we couldn’t regardless of length of time so I would think that was totally reasonable.

rookiemere · 08/04/2018 19:44

European destination weddings such as Cyprus are a lot easier and less expensive to get to than Vegas though unihorn and also a bit more obvious as a holiday destination.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/04/2018 19:44

"Going on holiday for two weeks with both sets of in laws was hell."

That is why I always wonder why there are so many destination weddings. Do people still get along with each other after a week/fortnight in close proximity?

Unihorn · 08/04/2018 19:45

Not necessarily Tammy in our case the wedding was in a secluded hotel so there were no other options for accommodation nearby, meaning we had to pay twice as much as you would for most Cypriot holidays.

Original poster
Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 19:50

You took it past the usual mn stick imo Scotland.

My dad and dps Dad would never let us pay for them plus they have a lot more money then us. We would pay for dps mum though.

We would never ask or expect gifts even if we got married here and most of our friends and family are married or getting married some we’ve attended others not there have never been any issues. Everyone has had the opinion of do what you want and if people can or want to come they will. I missed my two best friends weddings abroad that I would have been moh for but circumstances meant I couldn’t attend. There were no hard feelings and are still my best friends.

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Overthinker1 · 08/04/2018 19:50

If a wedding was about everyone else then it wouldn’t be the bride and groom paying. Why should you get married in a registry office just to please everyone else? Why should you spend a fortune feeding hundreds of people! Why then bolt on thousands for a honeymoon when you can have both at once? You don’t get married for anyone else and you aim to only do it once! Give 2 years notice, lots of information, let the guests decide whether they want to come and have a cheap party back home if you feel you want to. Do your research into your venue and have the wedding you want. I advise trip advisor forums over this one as you will find it far more supportive and informative

Original poster
Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 19:52

Dps family are very close and huge! There is always an occasion or get together including family holidays with extended family so this would be another one of those but bigger.

OP posts:
Nodancingshoes · 08/04/2018 19:53

LoniceraJaponica - we didn't have this problem as we went for 2 weeks and our guests just came out for a long weekend (European destination)

expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 19:55

'You took it past the usual mn stick imo Scotland. '

Ok, but not the person who said you were tacky to live stream it Hmm.

I said you sounded selfish because it appears you're fine with your dad not even being there and watching it on a live stream but not with your partner's family not being there. I think that sounds mean-spirited and selfish to do.

hdh747 · 08/04/2018 19:57

It's impossible to say if 2 years is enough as everyone has different circumstances, and those can change.
It depends on who, if anyone, is actually important to you in attending. I know very few dads who wouldn't be gutted at missing their daughter's wedding, but many would claim to be fine about it as they would put their daughter's happiness first. But you will know more about your dad than any of us and it's up to you as to whether his attendance is important to you.
Since you don't seem to actually want your family and friends there and it's about your DHs family then I expect he will know most about their circumstances and what might work for them.
Just make sure that whatever you work out works for you both, as you seem to want the 'just us', free from loads of relatives , wedding wheras he seems to want the family do. You might feel afterwards that neither of you got what you really wanted. And I know that's going off topic in terms of what you asked a bit, but I don't see how you can work out how much notice is enough until you are absolutely clear who you are both really bothered about attending.

Buxbaum · 08/04/2018 19:59

It sounds like you are being considerate of your guests which is only ever a good thing.

Please just remember that circumstances can change dramatically in two years, and don’t hold your guests to any RSVPs this early. A friend of mine had a destination wedding and I made all the right noises when she told me about it with a similar amount of notice. When the wedding had come around I had had a child and was in a very different financial situation, and simply couldn’t go. She became very unpleasant and it essentially ended the friendship.

TammyWhyNot · 08/04/2018 20:05

Fair enough Unihorn.

I suppose I feel that I could go to a destination wedding if it was a place I would be happy to spend my hard earned money and desperately needed holiday time (can only ever afford a cheap holiday abroad every couple of years), and spend a day of my hol at a wedding, but I don;t really want to spend 2 years saving up for a trip to somewhere that I wouldn't go unless it was my friend or family's wedding.

Original poster
Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 20:06

All we know 100% is we are not getting married in the uk it’s just not for us. Yes the difference comes with me wanting to elope and dp wanting his (huge) close family there. My dad has always said even before dc cane along go abroad keep it simple but yes he would want to come and not particularly like the destination it after just going through a marriage himself and dealing with the whole who to invite who does what where should we go etc he knows how stressful it can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 20:13

Also I know Vegas is actually somewhere that are nearest and dearest do want to go to although I’m well aware it’s not a mn favourite so I know they will be happy to ‘use up their holiday and hard earned cash’ on a trip there. The question has always been is it enough time.

I really appreciate the constructive opinions and what others have done. Thank you for your input Smile

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user1468942365 · 08/04/2018 20:13

My sister attended a Vegas wedding with a child, It was not a success. Her dd at 7 was unwelcome in a lot of places. My personal feelings on OS weddings aside, if there as dc under, say, 16, i might rethink the destination. 're 2 years, I think people will come or not with either 1 or 2 years notice. I can't imagine many people saving up hard for 2 years to go to someone else's dream wedding.

hdh747 · 08/04/2018 20:15

Just to throw a spanner in the works, in case you hadn't thought of it and it helps, some people have two weddings these days. Not sure of the exact legal details but I gather one would officially be a 'vow renewal' but you can still pretty much make whatever vows and rituals you like.

Original poster
Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 20:17

I know I need to do lots more research of child friendly places in Vegas I have looked and found a few. We were actually there being of hiring a house so there would be a pool for them to play in.

I just love the idea of pictures by the Bellagio fountains.

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PaulDacreRimsGeese · 08/04/2018 20:18

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't with notice for destination weddings. People who actually want to come and are realistically able to do so will benefit from and want as much notice as possible. People who don't want to and/or can't will be better off with less notice so they have a better excuse.

Giving two years notice gives a lot of people enough time to sort money and logistics, and that can be a positive or negative for the people you invite. But I think it's just something you have to accept if you choose to marry abroad, especially somewhere far away and expensive.

Original poster
Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 20:19

Hdh I would like that idea but it would ultimately end up being a huge wedding here that we don’t really want.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 08/04/2018 20:20

Do what you want! It's your wedding day.
I wanted to get married abroad and keep it low key, he wanted his gran there and I ended up have a wedding I dreaded and didn't massively enjoy it and was so relieved it was over.
2 years is a good amount of notice - if people want to attend it gives them a decent amount to save and if they don't then it's fine. Just make it clear that you will be fine if they choose not to come.
I've also heard that kids have had awesome trips to Vegas from friends.
I hope you have an amazing time!

IWouldLikeToKnow · 08/04/2018 20:21

Get married where you want to. If people want to go they will. Nobody will feel obligated. Two years is good notice. We gave something similar when we got married in New York. All our immediate family came and some friends and some extended family. They were the people we expected to come and they had time to save some up.

Yes we could have gotten married at home. But then it wouldn't have been the wedding we wanted. My MIL complained at the time but since she went keeps saying how she wants to go back.

You have to please two people on your wedding day, you and your husband. You never please everyone

Original poster
Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 20:21

I know one of my friends would really not enjoy Vegas at all luckily we’re close enough that I wouldn’t ask her to come and she would be grateful for that and we would have dinner just us and he and her dh.

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Hellsbellscockleshells · 08/04/2018 20:26

I hate these destination weddings I don’t see the point I wouldn’t want my parents and family with me on my honeymoon and if I was a guest I would feel uncomfortable and as though I was cramping your style other than the wedding ceremony. Also personally I wouldn’t want to forego my family holiday to fit in with your plans even if I had 5 years notice. I would say it’s a big ask and a lot of expense go on your own and have a party when you get back if your determined to have a Las Vegas wedding.

hdh747 · 08/04/2018 20:30

Hdh I would like that idea but it would ultimately end up being a huge wedding here that we don’t really want.

Neither of them have to be here. Elope to Vegas and have big family do in say Spain. Or a family do in Vegas and a lovely eloping type wedding in a quiet Spanish village where you can also invite just your day to join you a day or two later. or Whatever you want. Just trying to chuck in any extra options that might help.