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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give guests two years notice for a wedding abroad?

171 replies

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 18:11

Just that really me and dp have spoken for a long time about getting married we both want to go abroad although I would happily go with Just the dcs he would like his mum there which means my dad would have to come and then his dad his wife, siblings and then the list goes on (very big family) We have decided on Vegas which I know isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but then they don’t have to come. For a destination wedding would you say two years is plenty notice to afford it should they want to? TIA

OP posts:

TammyWhyNot · 08/04/2018 19:22

I would be as hurt as anything if one of my DC had a wedding that they did not want me to attend / didn't make my attendance important.

If you just want to get the marriage certificate have a no-fuss registry office wedding and then go on a fab post-wedding holiday to Vegas.

I too think 'destination' weddings are self absorbed - unless you have an active need to get away from your families - non contact, families refusing to accept the wedding due to differing religion, nationality or outspoken bigotry against a same sex marriage, or something.

And as for being invited to watch it on a screen....

Weddings are about family. Either just go away and get on with it in private, and don't expect (or invite, even subtley) any wedding presents, or have a wedding that everyone can enjoy in a simple, fun genuine and affordable way and the people you love and who love you can be there easily and share your celebration and wish you well.

Overthinker1 · 08/04/2018 19:24

We gave 2 years notice and gave a rough guide price based on the year before as you can’t book flights that early. We also gave lots of info on hotels near by and excursions etc so they could make their own decisions on their holiday but most chose to stay in our hotel which was really nice

Original poster

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 19:24

No one would be obligated to come I know my dps family would want to and just hoped 2 years was long enough to save/plan. Friends certainly wouldn’t be expected or even invited.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 19:24

Oh, I'm perfectly chilled, been married for 16 years, didn't ask people to cross the globe for it. I feel really sorry for your dad. Seems like it doesn't matter if he's there or not, it's all about Vegas. I find that really sad. As many have pointed out, the timeline is irrelevant because plenty of people aren't going to want to use all their holiday allowance to make such a long haul trip for a wedding.

MissDuke · 08/04/2018 19:24

OP I don't know if two years is unreasonable notice or not because I am in the 'destination weddings are selfish' camp, sorry! I cannot get my head around why you wouldn't marry locally, low key if you like, and put all of the money into your dream S Africa honeymoon? Why wouldn't you want to enjoy an amazing holiday with your own family rather than having all of your wedding guests hanging around too?

yellowfreesia · 08/04/2018 19:25

What TammyWhyNot says. Couldn't put it better myself.

Original poster

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 19:26

My dad has made it very clear that when we get married we should do exactly as we wish and should go abroad. I have never mentioned getting married to him.

OP posts:

Spottytop1 · 08/04/2018 19:27

I think 2 years is good as if people want to go they have time to save. There is much more to Vegas than casinos and there is lots for children to do.

I would get married in a hotel not one of the chapels if it was me as the chapels don't look so great anymore and several are in areas that are a bit run down now.

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 19:27

We gave 11 months. We choose some where we didn’t expect anyone to come. They all came. Going on holiday for two weeks with both sets of in laws was hell.

Overthinker1 · 08/04/2018 19:28

Wow just read some other posts. It’s your wedding so your choice. Weddings aren’t about everyone else they are about you. If your paying for it do what you want. We got married abroad and yes some famil6 couldn’t attend but everyone was happy for us. Some people spend thousands feeding hundreds of people due to family politics, others dream of a church wedding in the countryside. Some opt for elopement or a registry office low key wedding there are no rights or wrong do what you feel is right. As an abroad bride I can highly recommend the option. We did keep the photos hidden until we had seen close family that couldn’t attend and they were all thrilled for us

Juiceylucy09 · 08/04/2018 19:29

When it's close family they feel obligated to go. My Dsis got hitched in 5star Spanish resort, My DB in Italy. Never again.

One year after the other, including flights accommodation clothes it's cost thousands for a family of four. That was 4 years ago now and we have not been away since.

Yanbu for wanting to celebrate in Las Vegas as long as you know your close family can afford it.

ForalltheSaints · 08/04/2018 19:29

To given an opinion on the original question, two years seems reasonable. Before you set a date worth thinking about things such as whether or not the guests could not make a school holiday time (or could only make one), and the time of year (it is 80F at Easter for example).

Pinkvoid · 08/04/2018 19:30

I think the problem is you could get twenty people agreeing to go now but then they forget all about it, two years pass by and you approach them with an exact day but they’ve forgotten and are no longer in a position to go. If that wouldn’t piss you off then go ahead.

It’s nice to give so much notice so people can think about saving in advance but if they’re anything like me, they’ll forget all about it within a week .

Original poster

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 19:31

And Scotland I’m very happy for you no need to make it personal. My question although clearly not clear was.

For those people wanting to come to a wedding abroad is two years enough time to save/organise?

That was it. Thank you very much for all the opinions they have made me think of options we could do. I am not interested in if people like Vegas or if they think we are selfish for going.

The saying goes. Nothing nice to say........

OP posts:

unicornlove · 08/04/2018 19:32

Is there anyway you could subsidise the cost for your Dad? For instance, if it works out this way, he could stay in a hotel room with ypur DCs, whilst you and your dh have another room, and pay for both rooms yourself?

Also, just to warn you, me and dp were looking at going to Vegas, and as I'm only 19 had quite a few issues with finding a hotel which allows under 21s, but then that might just be the area of Vegas we wanted to go to.

BackforGood · 08/04/2018 19:33

I too would be really upset if any of my dc went abroad for a wedding.
I understand it as either a 'threre's too much drama in the wider family - we're doing this to avoid any family being there' type of wedding; and obviously f you are marrying someone from another country and marrying in their country; and maybe if you've been bereaved and don't want a traditional 'do' when your parents aren't there occasion. However, if you have a good relationship with your families, and are also planning to have a meal with them to celebrate it, then I'd have thought the obvious thing to do would be to have your wedding and meal at home, then go to Vegas (or S Africa, or wherever you want) for your honeymoon - which normal people wouldn't be expecting to join you at).

I understand you are trying to be helpful, in giving people time to save up / book cheaper flights / book leave etc, by giving a lot of notice, but I do think it implies that you are "expecting" people to come.

unicornlove · 08/04/2018 19:34

Also 2 years is enough to save (for the average person) I believe. Just make sure you let people know its a "if you want to come" invitation rather than a "I want you to come" invitation

rookiemere · 08/04/2018 19:34

I don't understand this at all. Why wouldn't you just get married at a registry office, have a cheap evening party that everyone can attend and then have your honeymoon wherever you choose i.e. Vegas if that's what you want and if you really want to you can get your vows renewed at the Elvis chapel for the weddingy experience.

But yes if you're insistent on dragging your nearest and dearest to a very long haul and expensive destination, then the more notice the better.

Kismett · 08/04/2018 19:34

We used to go every year as a family and my siblings and I had loads of fun. We've gone as adults with our spouses because we had such great memories there. Sounds strange, especially considering my family is not the type to gamble much, but we really enjoyed it!

That being said, I think that two years is plenty of time to save but also enough to make people feel pressured. I can't imagine planning a wedding where family (your father?) was going to be excluded. Either I'd exclude everyone and do something for just the two of us, or I'd do something where everyone could come.

I know that's not exactly what you were asking, and it can't be a good feeling to have so many people down on your idea. Especially if you had your heart set on it. But it just comes down to your priorities. Think about it in the grand scheme of things. Vegas for a honeymoon sounds great. Or plan a trip there with some friends! You'll be a lot more relaxed and know that no one is feeling resentful.

TammyWhyNot · 08/04/2018 19:35

"I could do the live stream just for my dad so it was special just for him and then do a video at the meal on our return so he would see it live before others"

This is just so patronising to your Dad.

I agree with ExpatInScotland.

"a lot of people including myself couldn’t go but she got the wedding she really wanted." The wedding she really wanted? Without loved family and close friends? Fine, if your wedding is private between the bride and groom. But a destination wedding is the one where your friends and family have to pay a shed load of money and use annual leave to support a showboat event. How is it about true love and partnership? A future together, commitment and serious unconditional partnership?

I have been in hotels in 'exotic' places where a wedding has taken place. They look a bit sad, actually, a tiny handful of guests, a celebrant who barely speaks English (though that probably won't be the case in Vegas, to be fair). no one to celebrate.

Nodancingshoes · 08/04/2018 19:36

Op - you are not selfish and nor are ALL weddings abroad selfish. You know your family more than any of us - do you think they will be up for it? Will they be upset? Me and my sister married abroad for the same reason. We don't have any parents and couldn't face a big 'family' wedding at home. I had a party when we got home but she didn't - it's your wedding, your choice

Unihorn · 08/04/2018 19:36

Considering most people get 5 weeks annual leave in the UK one week isn't a massive amount surely?!

My brother got married in Cyprus and about half our family went. Those of us that did had a weeks' holiday and a lovely time. The wedding was lovely and the resort was incredible. If people don't want to go then they won't.

expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 19:37

'And Scotland I’m very happy for you no need to make it personal. My question although clearly not clear was. '

I am far from the only one to hold the opinion that having this type of destination wedding is selfish, or self-absorbed as one other poster put it, but hey, hone on in on just my posts. I still think it's terribly mean to have such a wedding when you know your dad doesn't want to go there and then say it's enough to just live stream it for him when your DP's family is there. Again, I'm not alone in this sentiment.

TammyWhyNot · 08/04/2018 19:38

OK, well ask yourself: is two years long enough for you to save up to pay for your Dad to come?

Goodness, I would really want my Dad at my wedding and would make this one of my expenses. if I insisted to myself that I could only have a proper wedding in Vegas

TammyWhyNot · 08/04/2018 19:40

Cyprus for a wedding is a hole heap different to Vegas, in terms of air fares etc.

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