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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give guests two years notice for a wedding abroad?

171 replies

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 18:11

Just that really me and dp have spoken for a long time about getting married we both want to go abroad although I would happily go with Just the dcs he would like his mum there which means my dad would have to come and then his dad his wife, siblings and then the list goes on (very big family) We have decided on Vegas which I know isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but then they don’t have to come. For a destination wedding would you say two years is plenty notice to afford it should they want to? TIA

OP posts:

yikesanotherbooboo · 08/04/2018 18:39

I wouldn't know 2 years in advance whether I could take holiday at that time. To be honest I can't imagine going long haul to anyone other than a sibling or child's wedding and even in those cases I would resent it. I understand that it is a trip of a lifetime potentially for B&G but I really don't understand why they can't get married here and then go for honeymoon or elope is overseas nuptials is so important. I think that expecting people to plan their holidays around someone else's big day is a bit much and is even worse( not saying you would do this op) if you expect them to pay for the privilege.totally different if you are marrying someone from another country , then of course some people have to travel.

lovelyjubilly · 08/04/2018 18:39

If I went to Vegas for a wedding, it would be the only holiday I could afford within probably a ten year period.

expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 18:42

Destination weddings were originally so the couple could fuck off on their own and do the deed. Now it seems the entire family is expected to traipse across the globe, use up their holiday allowance, spend a fortune and go somewhere they might not want to do because a family member wants to indulge him/herself. That's why they suck so much.

People go to Vegas to elope at short notice as it doesn't have a waiting period. Why on Earth would you save for two years just to go get married in Vegas? Just go!

Run off to Gretna Green. Much cheaper.

It's a total pisstake to expect family members to travel 10,000 miles for your Vegas wedding.

Gazelda · 08/04/2018 18:42

For a family that lives hand to mouth, 2 years is not enough time to save.
For a top earner, they'll probably be fine to afford it.
But I think 2 years notice implies you're expecting them to do their best to scrape the money together.
1 year gives them enough info to be able to make and justify a yes/no decision.
If your heart is set on Vegas, I'd do it as a couple then do a small celebration at home with loved ones.

cansu · 08/04/2018 18:43

I suppose but I think it is still pushing it to expect people to start saving to attend your wedding. They will undoubtedly have other priorities and tbh I would resent spending huge amounts of money even for a close family member especially if it isn't somewhere I would want to go myself. Be prepared for people to not come.

cece · 08/04/2018 18:43

I have been to Vegas and didn't think it was very child friendly. I don't think they're allowed in the casinos are they?
Plus even with 2 years notice I wouldn't want to go abroad for someone else's wedding.
Why not do a quick register office job near home and then do a fantastic holiday/honeymoon which doesn't require dragging people along with you.
But then I don't really like the whole going abroad to get married idea.

burnoutbabe · 08/04/2018 18:45

2 years is fine. A friend wanted to do Vegas for her 50th so told people a while in advance so they could keep it in mind.
So some people just did Vegas for 4 days. We did Vegas and la for 2 weeks. So we combined it with somewhere else. Quite easy to do with a Vegas trip to mix with another USA place you may want to visit.
But just don't be upset if sone people do not want to save up and come, even if they could afford to. Their holiday, their money, their choice.

Fatandfrigid · 08/04/2018 18:46

Yup that’s plenty notice .
You probably know already, but Vegas is mighty expensive .

Good luck with your plans

BackforGood · 08/04/2018 18:52

although if he knew dos family were going he would feel obligated too (I am his only daughter and child)

I think this is key, and something that is often not accounted for.

I understand people who want to avoid the big 'fuss' here, and go off as a couple to get married, just the two of them, but once you start saying "you can come if you want" , or "well dh's parents / siblings / next door neighbour / whoever" are coming, then it makes you think that the couple do want people there, and then their parents / siblings / best friend from school all start to feel 'obliged'.

Would it make sense to think of a place where {if they wanted to } people could get together to watch the streaming, all see each other, maybe raise a glass to you before you send the information out (I don't know if you have a local social club / upstairs room in a pub type place) so you can be really clear that you do not expect people to come, and say that your Dad / siblings / Aunts / Grandparents etc will be getting together to raise a glass and watch the ceremony 'here' which people are welcome to join if they want to, and you really are not expecting anyone to join you in Vegas. You are just mentioning the date as one couple had asked if they could come, and you also won't mind if anyone else was thinking of a holiday to Vegas and wanted to combine the dates ?

ILoveyou2018 · 08/04/2018 18:52

I think destination weddings are selfish. It’s too expensive to expect people to pay out and take all that time off work for your wedding. Why don’t you just elope? Or have registry office wedding and then drinks in a pub afterwards so the people who care about you can go at no inconvenience and expense to them - then you can go to Las Vegas in your honeymoon?

Original poster

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 18:52

We have already looked into cheapest time of year to go. If it was down to me we would go Just us and dc although if that was the case we’d be going to another country altogether but that was far to expensive to expect family to pay for although it would be more of a holiday destination. This was our second choice for a destination.

OP posts:

Original poster

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 18:56

It’s dp who wants his family there and to be fair they would want to come which was why I wondered if 2 years was enough time. I only have my dad left in my family so to be honest looking out at the people sat their watching us would only remind me of who wasn’t there which is why I’d happily elope.

OP posts:

Original poster

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 18:57

I do like the idea of gathering everyone together to watch it though.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 19:00

You know your dad doesn't particularly want to go there, so why do that to him? Much less the other guests. Why do you need a destination wedding at all since you're not eloping? Makes more sense to have a smaller do nearer to home or at home so all the guests can come if they want.

I've been to Vegas loads of times because I used to live about an hour and a half's flight away. I was single and childfree and even then it was definitely not a cheap place to go. Not particularly child friendly.

I think it's inherently selfish to have a destination wedding and expect everyone to save up to go, even your own family.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/04/2018 19:00

Why Vegas? Can't you go somewhere cheaper?

Willow2017 · 08/04/2018 19:00

Apart from the cost being too much for many people for someone elses wedding once you factor in 2 x flights (including meals, snacks, drinks for long haul) accommodation, meals, spending money etc it puts all this on your dad to go to a place he wouldn't pick for a holiday for himself and his wife.

Its not fair telling him pil are going and saying its ok if he doesn't. How wanted would that make him feel?

expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 19:00

Where was your first choice destination, Maui?

ILoveyou2018 · 08/04/2018 19:01

In that case I would be careful how you word your invite.

You could say something like ‘we would love you to be there to celebrate with us but for those people who cannot attend, the ceremony will be live-streamed’. That way you are giving people the chance to decline without feeling guilty.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/04/2018 19:04

"2 x flights (including meals, snacks, drinks for long haul)"

Meals, snacks and drinks are included on long haul flights. Nonetheless, it is an expensive destination to get to.

burnoutbabe · 08/04/2018 19:05

Also I'd only do this if I KNEW close family (parents and siblings) on both sides could come (or would come if we helped with cost)
Anyone else could come or not as they fancied but making it very hard for family to come, due to cost, when others can go seems unfair.

TheCrystalChandelier · 08/04/2018 19:05

I do think that destination weddings are selfish, but tbh I am going to go one further. Vegas is a hideously expensive destination. Not just to travel to but to holiday in etc and is not at all child friendly if you are going for the gambling etc most of which is the reason why people go to Vegas in the first place. And planning a wedding which is to be live streamed back to your country sounds tacky as all hell, added a £10k cost for going there and there’s no way I would attend regardless of how much notice was given.

Vegas was originally meant to be about weddings on the cheap for Americans to elope to, and now some apparently see it as a luxury (and over-priced) destination to go to to get married, have stag do’s etc.

If you want to get married on the cheap then just elope and have a party when you come back. Chances are people wouldn’t watch the live stream anyway and most people either won’t be able to afford or won’t be bothered about going.

YawnyDawny · 08/04/2018 19:06

I think destination weddings are selfish. It’s too expensive to expect people to pay out and take all that time off work for your wedding.

Which is exactly why you shouldn't expect people to go.
I don't think they're selfish at all. If someone was having a destination wedding (friends have married in Jamaica & Vegas) I tend to assume they don't want many/any people there and are just inviting to be polite.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/04/2018 19:07

Two years is too long. Very hard for them to think of a plausible excuse not to go with that much notice. Give them two weeks.

Seriously, you should be paying for everyone you want there. If you can't do that, have a wonderful UK wedding - Vegas themed if you must - and then the honeymoon of your dreams. You will enjoy it much more and make better memories.

Original poster

Need2morehands · 08/04/2018 19:07

I could do the live stream just for my dad so it was special just for him and then do a video at the meal on our return so he would see it live before others.

It was actually South Africa our first choice but it worked out more expensive.

If it would be a problem for his family we could elope but I know they would want to come it’s somewhere they would love. Only one family member has a child the rest are nowhere near or have grown up children.

OP posts:

Nodancingshoes · 08/04/2018 19:07

We went to Vegas for my sisters wedding - it was amazing! She paid for flights and we saved for the hotel and spending money. As long as you make it clear that it is not compulsory to attend, it should be fine xx

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