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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My baby not our baby

223 replies

Babybarclay · 08/04/2018 10:39

A little context so I try not to drip feed:
My mother-in-law was an only child so she's used to getting what she wants and this has carried on throughout her adult life. She has two children and was quite a strict parent. She and my husband's dad got divorced about 10 years ago when the kids are all grown up. She's living quite a luxurious lifestyle travelling about a lot but gets annoyed when my husband doesn't ring on at least three times a week to say hi. When we got married my husband made a point of living in the same area as her so she wouldn't get lonely.......
Anyway me and her son got married a couple of years ago and we now have a baby. And she constantly refers to my baby as our baby. This annoyed me a bit as I grew up with a lot of children and it's my first baby so it's a big deal for me ! Yes she is the grandmother and it's her family too so I brushed the our bits off thinking I was being silly....

But am I being unreasonable to get annoyed when she starts saying "my baby my baby" when she's talking about... well my baby not hers?? X

OP posts:
Joanna57 · 09/04/2018 18:49

My GS is MINE.

He is not 'ours' or 'your'.

He is MINE.

As in MY boy.

And MY DD would not have it any other way.

If it wasn't for me, MY boy wouldn't even be here.

alwaysstressed · 09/04/2018 18:54

AIBU to be a little offended at your only child comment? Im an only child and I most certainly didn't get everything I wanted

Mydoghatesthebath · 09/04/2018 18:55

You are a new mum for a micro second. Seriously. The baby is in the family for hopefully nigh on 80 + years long after the my baby people have departed.

Seriously chill

Mydoghatesthebath · 09/04/2018 18:58

And children don’t belong to anyone. They are individuals.

HadronCollider · 09/04/2018 19:24

I refer to my 5 month old niece as 'my' baby all the time! If I don't hear from my sis in a while I'll text my sister in a mock huff 'Where's my baby?!' and 'why are you keeping my baby from me?, I want pics of my baby now!' I am completely aware she's my sister's baby, I don't want to parent her, and I don't mind babysitting, but definitely not too often as I've been there, done that stage thanks very much.

It's just a term of endearment. And I'm glad my sis hasn't put me in my place.
YABU

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/04/2018 19:37

People who refer to their children as MINE must be very insecure.

What do you think is going to happen if a grandparent says MY baby? Seriously.

gussyfinknottle · 09/04/2018 19:41

It is a member of the MIL's family. It is therefore a baby of the family. "Our" is a bit unusual but not outrageous. It'd probably annoy me a bit but not the most dreadful thing ever.
What is pretty outrageous is saying that because MIL is an only child she's spoilt and used to getting what she wants.

maisiemoo14 · 09/04/2018 19:44

My mum calls both of my children ‘our’ babies. It has never bothered me. She doesn’t mean it in a hand that rocked the cradle sense, more that she is inclusive of them as a ‘our’ family unit. I guess it depends on how well you get on with the MIL though as to if this would grate and then it might be less about words and more about personality's. Especially if she is overbearing in general.

If you’re from the North it’s quite common to preface a family members name with, ‘our Dave’ or whatever the name might be. Is she from Bridlington OP?

I’m also an only child and not every only child gets their way!! Wink

Fiera · 09/04/2018 19:46

I call my FRIENDS daughter ‘My Baba’ and ‘My Princess’

I have my own children (both older and younger) and certainly don’t view her as MY child. She’s just a little girl of a dear friend and I love her a whole lot.

My mum calls my boys ‘son’
My sons teacher refers to his class as ‘My children’

Seriously, get a grip.

MammaTJ · 09/04/2018 19:55

I frequently call my Grandchildren 'My Babies' or 'My girlies'. That doesn't mean that I for one moment think they are mine! I do speak to them most days and spend a day with them once a week, but my DD is the one who wakes up to them in the night and I do love handing them back when I have them! Grin

ton181 · 09/04/2018 20:43

Hi OP, she obviously irks you; I wouldn't worry about she is yours and your husbands baby. I think she means ours as in our family just as others have said.

Cookie37 · 09/04/2018 22:14

@maddiemookins - what a really lovely thing your MIL did - she sounds wonderful !

cheval · 09/04/2018 22:34

Mumsnet you are a viper’s nest! You should have posted on gransnet. People are much kinder there! Yes, you’re being protective. She’s probably annoying. But be thankful you have an elder generation there to help out and give love to your child. Mine were all dead.

Deidre21 · 09/04/2018 23:38

What “only child” nonsense, there are plenty of stubborn, self centred children who grow up into the same selfish adults and happen to come from large families, so that nonsense about “only child” people is just rubbish. How people turn out is down to the way they were brought up and how they choose to be in life. There are plenty of lovely people who have been “the only child”

Deidre21 · 09/04/2018 23:41

And there is nothing wrong with a grandparent saying “my baby”. I find it quite endearing that my mother says/said that about all her grandchildren at one point of another due to various ages of the children and we all live all over the world. You might be taking it the wrong way.

SecretBum · 09/04/2018 23:48

Clearly going against the grain here but my MIL does this and it irritates the crap out of me.

'Where are MY boys!' 'Let me hold MY baby then!'

It just sounds odd. I've put it down to control issues she has...kind of mentally trying to prove that she has a say, that she's important etc.

I scream 'they're not YOUR fucking boys you controlling, deluded bint' at her, every time she does it. In my head 😁

JamForBrains · 10/04/2018 01:18

I agree with PP. It is a term of endearment. My sis and I were pregnant together and our DC are 4 weeks apart. She had a boy and I had a girl. I often say how's my baby boy today? And by the same token she says how's my baby girl today? Doesn't mean I see my nephew as my son and my sis doesn't see her niece as her daughter x

Abbylee · 10/04/2018 02:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abbylee · 10/04/2018 02:27

I'm not sure about your annoyance. But, I'm thinking that it's more than just the "my baby" that's bothering you. You're sounding unhappy about phone calls too. That is u to me. I love my son and speaking to him a few times as week seems okay. I called my own mother everyday, sometimes more.

But! If it makes you feel better, my sil s had dc when mil was 40s. She didn't want to be called grandma or any derivative of grand.

She was called Mama84. Well! I'm mama84! So I insisted she be called grandma first name. I'm still considered a rotten dil. She doesn't seem upset now (She was 70 when we had our ds) but her other grandchildren and everyone else is unhappy. Somehow I'm disrespectful. Sils were married. They didn't have the same last name as their mother.

Really?! I really REALLY am Mama 84! It's my last name and my baby. She is granny 84 at best.

But in the end, she loves being called grandma first-hand bc it's associated with love.

I've been a dil for nearly 30 years, my dh is very grateful to me for being patient and kind to her. He knows that she is wicked.

Try to be patient, family should come first and as much as she hurt me, repeatedly, for fun and pettiness. She is a good grandmother and the more people who love my dc, the better.

Take care, congratulations!

Ineke · 10/04/2018 04:31

Sorry but why is an only child used to getting her own way?

Fbnick · 10/04/2018 04:57

It drives me insane. It's MY baby, I carried it, birthed it and care for it 24-7, my body is worse for ware for the experience too.
I totally agree with you.
I used to get really upset at my own family doing this, let alone anyone else.
I simmered with anger, gradually, the MY baby bit eased away.

A little older and the child knows question us no longer their baby.
If it's how you feel, how can it be wrong? Making an issue out of it though with her could well be.
How does your OH feel about this annoying turn of phrase?

thebewilderness · 10/04/2018 05:38

No, you are not unreasonable.
Your boundaries are being tested and you will have to live a long time with whatever the results are so pick your battles carefully and make sure you and your DH are on the same page with regard to the limits of acceptable grandmotherly behavior.

thebewilderness · 10/04/2018 05:40

My assumption was that the only child reference was the justification the MIL or her son uses to dismiss inappropriate behavior.

ChickenMom · 10/04/2018 05:59

YABU. I always say “hello my darlings” to friends kids. Doesn’t mean I think they are mine or want to own them. It’s a term of endearment

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/04/2018 08:04

It drives me insane. It's MY baby, I carried it, birthed it and care for it 24-7, my body is worse for ware for

Yes you know that. Your MIL knows that. Everyone knows that. How does anyone else saying my baby take any of that away?