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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My baby not our baby

223 replies

Babybarclay · 08/04/2018 10:39

A little context so I try not to drip feed:
My mother-in-law was an only child so she's used to getting what she wants and this has carried on throughout her adult life. She has two children and was quite a strict parent. She and my husband's dad got divorced about 10 years ago when the kids are all grown up. She's living quite a luxurious lifestyle travelling about a lot but gets annoyed when my husband doesn't ring on at least three times a week to say hi. When we got married my husband made a point of living in the same area as her so she wouldn't get lonely.......
Anyway me and her son got married a couple of years ago and we now have a baby. And she constantly refers to my baby as our baby. This annoyed me a bit as I grew up with a lot of children and it's my first baby so it's a big deal for me ! Yes she is the grandmother and it's her family too so I brushed the our bits off thinking I was being silly....

But am I being unreasonable to get annoyed when she starts saying "my baby my baby" when she's talking about... well my baby not hers?? X

OP posts:
DanaNakers · 08/04/2018 12:27

*don't

kimanda · 08/04/2018 12:30

@oohmavis

me calling my nephew "my little sausage" doesn't mean that I think he's a) mine, or b) a sausage,,,

😂 Made me larf that did!! Grin

@babybarclay

You have really done yourself no favours here with the mean and spiteful comments about 'only children' ... 'Spoilt,' and 'used to getting her own way' and 'demanding' blah blah blah...

As a few other posters have said, I also know plenty of children/people with siblings who are complete brats; demanding and petulant and sulky and so on, and some 'only' children who are lovely, polite, and courteous. To generalise like this is just nasty.

Plus, some people have ONLY one child as they were unable to have any more, and some people who ARE an 'only' child, would love to have had siblings (even if they are very happy, at some point in their life they would have fantasised about having a sibling...) So comments like yours are just plain unpleasant and unnecessary.

Re your MIL, I agree that YABU, she doesn't mean anything by it, and tbh, you sound a little jealous of the relationship she has with her son/your husband. You also sound jealous and bitter about her 'wealth' and her lifestyle... Alienating a MIL (when your husband gets on with her,) is NEVER a good idea. Neither is making such scathing remarks about her. Do you talk about her like this to your husband?!

I agree with the posters saying there is a lot more to all this, and it sounds like you just don't like her, and anything she does will get under your skin, grate on you, and wind you up.

Maybe you need to start looking into the reasons why this woman makes you angry. As a few posters have said, I can't see that she has done a single thing wrong. And I am willing to bet that she doesn't get 'annoyed' if your husband doesn't call her 3-4 times a week either. I am also willing to bet that he wants to call her.

I also don't believe that 'he moved closer to her so she wouldn't be lonely....' He grew up with her, so if he WAS living near her, surely he was just living in the town he grew up in! Confused

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/04/2018 12:31

At the birth you literally had to hold her back from picking up my baby (who was in a incubator )

if she keeps acting the way she does she's going to push yourself more and more and more onto my child

Seriously ? this woman loves her son and grandchild. My advice to you is to grow up and make a friend of her because she's not doing anything wrong. You are coming across as one of those DILSs who think the child is her personal possession and the DH is an inconsequential being who should cut loose his entire blood family and pop up on a pedestal.

BertieBotts · 08/04/2018 12:35

I don't like this either. It's completely different from "my little sausage" or "our George" - those things are affectionate and more generic, "my baby" is much more possessive. IMO. And some MILs can be overly possessive.

Yes it is a minor thing in the scheme of things but it would annoy me as well. I've also been told I was unreasonable on MN for this, BTW! I just think it's totally overstepping a boundary.

thegreylady · 08/04/2018 12:36

I say to dgs,’who’s grandma’s little cuddle bun?’ To deconstruct this he is in fact, to me, my little whatever but I am not about to claim parental responsibility!

Gottagetmoving · 08/04/2018 12:48

And some MILs can be overly possessive. it is a minor thing in the scheme of things but it would annoy me as well. I've also been told I was unreasonable on MN for this, BTW! I just think it's totally overstepping a boundary

You don't think YOU are being overly possessive? Confused
A grandmother loving and calling her grandchild 'my baby' is overstepping a boundary?!!
I think it's sad that there are women who would set such a boundary that denies their child close bonds with their grandparents and extended family.
In fact, I think it's expressiveness and jealousy and insecurity.
Your baby KNOWS who his mother is. There is no danger of the baby running away to live with grandma.

greenlavender · 08/04/2018 12:49

Yes. I lost you when you did the only child thing. V unnecessary OP. And annoying.

Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 12:49

Maddie

Lovely Grin

To be honest op your mil and dh sound fine. You havnt done yourself any favours to be honest

Gottagetmoving · 08/04/2018 12:49

Possessive...not expressiveness!!

Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 12:58

Dana

How sad for you and how cold she sounds. I make extra extra fuss of my dils because I totally understand their own mums come first and we all get on tremendousiy and I see loads of my grandchildren.

I can’t get my head around grandparents not caring it’s totally bizarre.

Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 13:01

Bertie

I think it totally depends upon your overall relationship though. It’s not the words as thinking that saying ‘nannas baby’ is overseeing boundaries is quite crazy but if you don’t get on or you know it’s done to annoy you then anything grates.

nocoolnamesleft · 08/04/2018 13:24

Actually, I think the big drip feed may have been that when your baby was born he was in an incubator.

Was he very ill? Or on SCBU for a while?

That can be very stressful for parents, and make it much harder to cope with the little niggles of everyday life. It can also mean...how to put this. When a baby goes to SCBU it can feel like the staff are nicking your baby, at the moment you most want/need to bond with them, even though it can be essential for the baby. I wonder whether that experience may be making you more sensitive to anything else that in any lesser way feels like someone appropriating your baby.

bringbackfonzi · 08/04/2018 13:29

OP, I also think the 'my baby' thing is not the real problem and if she is difficult/overbearing in other ways you need to deal with those. The 'my baby' thing is nothing. I wonder whether English is not your first language so this comes across differently to you?

Moominfan · 08/04/2018 13:31

I think you just don't like her so every little thing she does will annoy you.

DanaNakers · 08/04/2018 13:46

@Mydoghatesthebath it's really odd and she's the same with all 3 of her sons. She's a very strange woman and despite knowing her for years I've never heard the words 'how are you' come out of her mouth. I swear she hates everyone and everything that breathes!

I'd love a lovely doting MIL, and to be honest I'm terrified of how little help I have around me for when baby comes Sad if anyone wants to give me a hand I'll happily let you call my child 'ours' haha!

melj1213 · 08/04/2018 14:09

OP YABU

I live in the NW of England and it is just a normal turn of phrase to refer to family members as my/our. It is not meant as possessive or that someone is taking ownership of another person's child but as a term of endearment to show closeness between family.

Whenever I visit an uncle/aunt I always "pop in to see our John/Jane"; when my toddler nephew comes round he is "my little man" and my baby niece is "my beautiful baba" and when taking about my DD she is always "our DD" (e.g. "can't stop to chat I have to pick up our Jane from dance class") even though she is actually only my child.

CreamEggEnthusiast · 08/04/2018 14:15

YABU. My mum refers to my DD as her little (DDs name). I think it’s nice, provided she’s not interfering with your parenting, let her crack on.

Coconutspongexo · 08/04/2018 14:17

Grow up.

It’s a common term.

Seriously surely you must have something else to waste energy on

Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 16:23

Dana

Wierd Woman what a shame to be like this. I love supporting my kids and their partners. I have 6 kids do it’s busy Grin but wouldn’t have it any other way.
Don’t worry about help around your baby you will do fine just be kind to yourself and go with the flow. Is your mum not local?

Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 16:25

Oh dear so sorry I see she’s 300 miles away! That’s tough love. X

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 08/04/2018 18:51

Any baby born into our family is “our” baby. It’s a way of showing they are very loved and much wanted and accepted by everyone.

Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 19:41

SunnySkies

Lovely post and absolutely agree

Namechangemum100 · 08/04/2018 19:50

My mil does this and I find it very irritating and grating.

Today for example, whilst referring to my second DC who is currently 1 week late she text to ask "where our little man is", however sent dh a similar text where she referred to the baby as "your little man"...

...I can't help but think she does these things to wind me up, as we are not close AT ALL.

Gottagetmoving · 08/04/2018 20:00

I can't help but think she does these things to wind me up, as we are not close AT ALL

It's because you are not close that you think she does it to wind you up.
I have probably said that to my daughter in law, son and my own daughter.
I can assure you I don't do it to wind anyone up...but if they got wound up then that's about them, not me.
However, they don't get wound up because they don't put meaning into it that isn't there.

0lgaDaPolga · 08/04/2018 20:01

Going against the grain here yanbu at all. In my opinion me and dh are the only ones that get to call our son our baby.

My mil does this too and it sets my teeth on edge. We are not close at all and she has shown zero interest in me in the 8 years dh and I have been together. When I gave birth I nearly died and all she cared about was the baby. The first time she visiting she came in and said ‘where’s my baby?’ I could have punched her. To me it’s like trying to claim ownership of him and i hate it.