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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My baby not our baby

223 replies

Babybarclay · 08/04/2018 10:39

A little context so I try not to drip feed:
My mother-in-law was an only child so she's used to getting what she wants and this has carried on throughout her adult life. She has two children and was quite a strict parent. She and my husband's dad got divorced about 10 years ago when the kids are all grown up. She's living quite a luxurious lifestyle travelling about a lot but gets annoyed when my husband doesn't ring on at least three times a week to say hi. When we got married my husband made a point of living in the same area as her so she wouldn't get lonely.......
Anyway me and her son got married a couple of years ago and we now have a baby. And she constantly refers to my baby as our baby. This annoyed me a bit as I grew up with a lot of children and it's my first baby so it's a big deal for me ! Yes she is the grandmother and it's her family too so I brushed the our bits off thinking I was being silly....

But am I being unreasonable to get annoyed when she starts saying "my baby my baby" when she's talking about... well my baby not hers?? X

OP posts:
Mydoghatesthebath · 08/04/2018 20:05

Everything is irritating when you are one week
Late though Grin

I saw my best mate wheeling her newborn around the village while I was 2 weeks late with dc 6.

I could almost have spat in her smug face.

The girls are now 19 and best friends as are we but she overstepped the mark Grin

Namechangemum100 · 08/04/2018 20:05

@gottagetmoving...but why refer to the baby differently within the space of 5 minutes to 2 different people? Our baby when talking to me and your baby when talking to her so. To me it feels like she is trying to remind me that the baby is hers too.

It would make more sense for it to be the other way round if anything surely?

AnyFarrahFowler · 08/04/2018 20:12

My MIL does this too and it annoys me - but I don’t say anything because I’m aware other people would think it was petty.
But, every time she does it, I’m screaming inwardly “She’s not your little girl, she’s mine! You don’t have a little girl!!”

lattewith3shotsplease · 08/04/2018 20:16

OP,
Maybe you shouldn't have married a man that has such a close relationship with his Mother.
Remember without this Woman you wouldn't have your Husband or child.

The level of jealousy directed at MIL's ,from Woman, is fucking unbelievable.

How about having some respect fro the Mother of your Husband.

I'm so glad my two DS's chose amazing Women and not one like you. Angry

maimeo · 08/04/2018 20:45

I was a child minder for 20 years and stayed great friends with several of the mums. I regularly meet the mother of a 22 year old and ask "How's my boy?" To which she replies "Your boy is in great form!" or whatever. So you don't even have to be related to a child you're fond of to do it - it's just affectionate!

IMBU · 08/04/2018 20:52

It's a term of endearment. My mum does it too. Honestly you don't need to feel threatened by it. I'm sure she respects your status as mother of her grandchild

mydietstartsmonday · 08/04/2018 20:52

Oh for Christ’s sake get a grip. It is just a saying get over it and allow your MIL her moment.

Fevs · 08/04/2018 21:04

My inlaws message me saying ‘how’s my baby doing’ etc and it really winds me up too! But then they generally wind me up so that’s probably why....
You’re not being unreasonable because your feelings are based on your relationship with her and a far bigger picture. Not sure there’s much you (us) can do about the baby thing though Hmm

Gottagetmoving · 08/04/2018 22:10

but why refer to the baby differently within the space of 5 minutes to 2 different people? Our baby when talking to me and your baby when talking to her so. To me it feels like she is trying to remind me that the baby is hers too

Maybe she is. She may think you are trying to push her out ?
MILs have feelings and worries too?
She probably knows her son supports her being close to the baby so doesn't feel the need to say 'our' to him.
There are two sides to every conflict/ill feeling. Everyone thinks THEY are right and the other is wrong.
It's a shame that two women(mil and disk) who love the same man can't get on instead of feeling threatened by the other.

Gottagetmoving · 08/04/2018 22:12

dil not disk!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 08/04/2018 23:09

When my DD was a newborn my mum did this and I was really angry, I thought "she's mine". Looking back, I was probably mostly hormonal and defensive and feel a bit silly for being so cross - so YANBU and YABU, I would let it go with the best will in the world!

VinegarTits · 08/04/2018 23:14

YABU It’s a sign of love and affection, the kid is still yours don’t worry

BuntyII · 08/04/2018 23:27

You sound a bit spoilt yourself OP. MY baby Hmm

doubtingmyself18 · 08/04/2018 23:51

My MIL never gave a fuck about my baby and when we went NC (because FIL is a sex offender) she told older DSC to bloody make sure she didn't 'forget them' luckily they came straight to me and many years later my DD has no idea who the fuck they are!

cupcakesandglitter · 08/04/2018 23:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable! My friends mom used to say that her daughters wedding was her wedding too, and I imagine she'd do the same when she eventually has children. I get some grandparents may do it in a loving way but I can imagine the way your MIL is saying it - YANBU

LegallyBrunet · 09/04/2018 00:00

YABU. I call my little brother with CP ‘my special little man’. I’m not trying to claim him as my child, it’s just a term of affection.

AhoyDelBoy · 09/04/2018 00:10

I suppose it depends really.. I've read the first page and most seem to think it's a non issue. However, one American forum I used to frequent would be UP IN ARMS! about this. Crazily so!

notacooldad · 09/04/2018 00:10

Well thanks for your Mill's life story.
I think you are beung supersenitive.
My mum and dad dud it wiyh mine/ our kids. It's just a family expression. I'm close to two if my nephews and refer to them as ' our Paul' or' my Alec'
It's just grouping the family. Nothing vs, controlling or otherwise about it.

HappydaysArehere · 09/04/2018 00:15

My dh hails from Leicestershire. There it is “our John”, “our Mary” etc etc. These refer to anyone in the family.

Bostin · 09/04/2018 00:20

She sounds exactly the same as my MIL. Sit tight, mine had to back off a bit as she went too far and DH had had enough. She’s still very much part of our lives but as my FIL used to say to me: ‘you have all the cards’. I would never exclude her and the DC love her but she has shown her true colours.

BitterAndTwistedChoreDodger · 09/04/2018 00:32

My own mother, who I absolutely adore, used to drive me mad with this when I first had DS. I now put it down to me being a stressed and hormonal new mum.

For context, DS is now nearly thirteen, and has a lovely close relationship with his Nana.

So, YANBU, but you will hopefully look back and realise that it is no big deal in the end.

Woshambo · 09/04/2018 00:36

Nah I'm with OP on this one. Not every little thing annoys me but this would. Even with my dogs lol. It sounds silly to some people but others will "get it".
My OH sister is terrible for assuming that anything her brother has (house, dogs children etc) she is automatically entitled to treat as her own because "It's MY brothers xxxxxx"
She found out the hard way that she was sorely mistaken when she smacked my dog on the nose.

cupcakesandglitter · 09/04/2018 00:41

@Woshambo 😂😂😂

Dieu · 09/04/2018 00:47

No big deal, honestly.

Namechangemum100 · 09/04/2018 03:11

@gottagetmoving so me getting wound up is on me...and mil potentially feeling insecure and needing to "remind me" is also on me?

Hmmmm