Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My baby not our baby

223 replies

Babybarclay · 08/04/2018 10:39

A little context so I try not to drip feed:
My mother-in-law was an only child so she's used to getting what she wants and this has carried on throughout her adult life. She has two children and was quite a strict parent. She and my husband's dad got divorced about 10 years ago when the kids are all grown up. She's living quite a luxurious lifestyle travelling about a lot but gets annoyed when my husband doesn't ring on at least three times a week to say hi. When we got married my husband made a point of living in the same area as her so she wouldn't get lonely.......
Anyway me and her son got married a couple of years ago and we now have a baby. And she constantly refers to my baby as our baby. This annoyed me a bit as I grew up with a lot of children and it's my first baby so it's a big deal for me ! Yes she is the grandmother and it's her family too so I brushed the our bits off thinking I was being silly....

But am I being unreasonable to get annoyed when she starts saying "my baby my baby" when she's talking about... well my baby not hers?? X

OP posts:
TammyWhyNot · 09/04/2018 07:18

I think as you grew up with a lot of kids around you you have that possessive argumentative streak that siblings constantly bickering over toys and parental attention have....

Ok, OP, fair enough. You have a MIL that your DH takes account of, and maybe she is latching in to you two as she has few other people,

I hadn’t anticipated, when I had my first, how suddenly and intensely my Mum would want to fulfill her grandmother role. She came to stay every 3 weeks, suddenly we were much more hooked into ‘family ‘.

She is proud of your baby as her grandchild and dies see him as part of ‘our’ family. Is she over bearing in other ways?

Take control: actively invite her at specific times that suit you, and say ‘no that doesn’t work for me’ if she suggests other times.

He IS your baby: any words that others say do not change that

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 09/04/2018 07:32

I'd say it depnds on the backstory. Does she call him "my baby" has an affectionate name or because she considers he is hers?
The getting what she wants is unlikely to be because she is a single child. I am reading between the lines so take it with a pinch of salt but I would say it is more that she has a higher level of narcissism (not great with boundaries, wanting fusional relationship with her married son, wanting to take baby out of the incubator and considering he is hers, etc...).

Gottagetmoving · 09/04/2018 07:44

gottagetmoving so me getting wound up is on me...and mil potentially feeling insecure and needing to "remind me" is also on me?

You getting wound up is about you....your mil feeling insecure is about her...but, if you are hostile towards her that won't help her insecurity. Your mil doesn't feel the baby is hers more than yours I can guarantee. Her saying, 'our baby' is probably hoping you are going to include her in your family to some degree

Madmarchpear · 09/04/2018 07:56

That would annoy me too OP, especially in the early hormonal lioness days of motherhood.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2018 08:30

You clearly don't like her and have latched into this "our baby" thing to be annoyed by.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2018 08:34

Also, you know how much you love your DS, that's how much she loved your dh. I think sometimes it's easy to forget that, once your dc are all grind up, you still love them just as fiercely. It's especially easy to forget that when you're in the baby stage of parenthood yourself and cannot imagine your dc as adults.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 09/04/2018 08:35

There's a woman who works in Sainsbury's who always called DS2 "my baby" until the day he corrected her, and now he's "my big boy"! Grin

Bluelady · 09/04/2018 08:40

My gran used to call my brother "our boy", my mum did the same with my son. I think it's lovely.

Eolian · 09/04/2018 08:42

YANBU and I think posters are misunderstanding. The northern 'Our Jane, our kid' thing is totally different. I got the impression from the OP that the MIL would say, for example, things to her friends like "Oh yes, Mildred, did you know that DIL had our baby last month?" or "I can't wait to have our baby for the weekend". That does sound very proprietary to me, and typical of things I've read about some MILs on here. .

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 09/04/2018 08:45

Woshambo Shock she smacked your dog on the nose? Horrible woman.

greendale17 · 09/04/2018 08:45

YABU and completely over reacting

LotsToThinkOf · 09/04/2018 08:56

The only one who sounds spoilt here is you OP, YABU.

The baby is hers, it's her grandchild. She's not confusing herself with you, she's referring to her grandchild.

Shock horror she wanted to pick the baby up and you almost had to hold her back. God, what an awful grandma. OP, the only thing weird about that statement was that you said 'my baby' as if she was a complete stranger or something.

Start being decent and allowing her to have a relationship with the baby, your insecurities are pathetic and will only serve to cause problems later on down the line. Your baby isn't going to love you any less just because they are close to grandma.

The context you've given says more about you than it does about your MIL.

Pereie · 09/04/2018 09:03

I think it's sweet that she feels so attached to her grandchild, so much so she sees him as an extension of herself.

You don't need to be so grabby with your baby, it's her family too, and yes 'sharing' your children is part of a successful family unit, you will be glad of the help when you really need it.

It does sound like you have a problem with her in general and are hanging onto the 'my' baby thing. It's petty and YABU.

Evie0865 · 09/04/2018 09:06

I felt a bit like this as a new parent, especially so to a child who never felt like "mine" when she was born (in NICU for 3 months)

But to be fair MIL did try to send christmas cards with said child on the front to all her pals we didn't even know. Drew the fucking line there, was sick to death of strangers being informed about my child

To be fair, their friends were probably sick of it too and I prob done them a favor

Anyway I digress, the woman pushes the boundaries since the minute my child popped out so early, and it only took the slightest word from her to make me bite.

It's all to do with the relationship with the MIL, and I have no doubt that if you were the best of friends , this wouldn't bother you.

SilentBob · 09/04/2018 09:09

This is a definite 'thing' where I now live- I'm not from the area and when my niece was born the whole family called her 'our baby' and I was so confused.

Speaking to lots of people in the area- it's a very common local phrase used by practically everyone in everyday speech- "I'm taking our baby to the park" said by an adult could mean their baby, their grandchild, their second cousin twice removed- basically whichever the youngest child in the family is.

They are not all spoilt or only children.

sirlee66 · 09/04/2018 09:17

I think it's lovely your MIL loves your DC so much.

As long as she doesn't start refering to herself as 'Mummy' instead of 'Nanny' then YABU, OP.

jubillee · 09/04/2018 10:05

I think someone wants to find fault with their MIL.. Who judging by how quickly this has spread is probably aware of how you feel about her by now,

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer · 09/04/2018 10:14

I think OP is massively misunderstood in this. Having had a similar experience with my mil (who I love dearly, is kind, funny, caring, etc - pointing this out because I don't have mil "issues"), I completely understand where the op is coming from.
My mil does say "my boy", "my baby" as in ownership. My dh has said to her, "no, my boy", but she then goes on to argue that my son is hers. I think op's mil is similar in that way. It's not a northern "our kid" kind of thing.

And I think a lot of us have preconceived ideas that only children are supposed to be spoilt. Whether that's true or not, maybe op's mil falls firmly into that stereotype. For context, my niece is an only child and is definitely not spoilt. Her parents have brought her up very well.

I believe the op has long gone, but I hope she knows she is not being unreasonable.

Gottagetmoving · 09/04/2018 11:59

It's looking like too many people see babies as possessions and want to claim ownership when it would be far nicer to appreciate the importance of everyone in the family in a baby's life.

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 09/04/2018 14:34

Maddie that's very sweet abdominal that turn of phrase is too.. My little Ethel Easter Smile but that's very very different to a difficult sort of Mil racing into the the hospital, giving mum no look at all nothing except to make disparaging remarks about who the baby looks like! Then calling the baby in a very possessive way... my. Very different.

Fwiw I have never ever heard the word my, so much since I had misfortune to meet my Mil. my sofa, my car, my cup, he's my son... My this, that..

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 14:35

yeah you're BU, get over yourself

KalaLaka · 09/04/2018 14:40

If you liked her, you'd find this ok. When I dislike someone, they get no allowances

cathf · 09/04/2018 15:29

Another 'It's MY baby!' post.
There are some very possessive mums out there.

SoupDragon · 09/04/2018 16:14

This thread has made the Daily Mail.

Shosholoza · 09/04/2018 17:42

When my first grandchild was born I used to call her my baby and my son, the baby’s father, told me in no uncertain terms that she’s not my baby, she’s our baby meaning his and his wife’s.