Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed my husband won't have a joint account?

150 replies

huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:19

We have been together for 9 years and married for 3 years in September. When we got married I made a joint account as we'd always had separate ones and he has never used it so it's basically my account. If I need money for any reason and don't have it I have to ask him for it.

AIBU to find this annoying? I worked out that on paper he has a few hundred a month left over after he pays his share of the bills and yet it disappears. I want to know where it goes! He doesn't seem to have the answer. He doesn't go out, all he spends money on at weekends is topping up stuff like cat litter, bread etc. So where is the money?!

OP posts:
strawberrysparkle · 07/04/2018 21:21

He might have savings that you don't know about? Most people do have savings accounts separate from their spouse.

Money does just disappear if he's doing odd top up shops, buying the odd coffee here and there. £200 can look a lot on paper but not really go very far.

MrsTylerJoseph · 07/04/2018 21:22

My dh is the same. He has about 2k a month left after paying his share of the bills. I’m always skint and overdrawn. Been married 17 years.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 21:24

Mrs Tyler Joseph

That’s absolutely shocking. Why do you stay with him?

GertrudeCB · 07/04/2018 21:24

Why the fuck do you put up with this shit? Genuine question.

Allthewaves · 07/04/2018 21:24

I wont have a joint account either. And your daft if your getting your wages paid into a joint account.

He probably has savings - have you asked him? Had a discussion about money?

TittyGolightly · 07/04/2018 21:24

We’ve never had one. Don’t want one. Together 18 years.

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:25

To be fair to him, I changed the way our account works and he now receives the texts for when our account is low or overdrawn and he asks me how much so he can pay it in. I just don't like the lack of transparency I guess.

OP posts:
AlonsosLeftPinky · 07/04/2018 21:25

Never had a joint account, never needed or wanted one and I refuse to ever have one.

Been together for 16 years without issue.

Allthewaves · 07/04/2018 21:25

You don't have to have joint accounts as long as everything is fair and transparent ie myself and dh have same amount of spending as he pays more bills. And we both have same amounts in separate savings accounts

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:27

I guess I'd be less miffed if he could explain where the money goes. I'd say he spends a maximum of 20 pounds per weekend, yet he has 400 quid left over after bills...

OP posts:
YerAuntFanny · 07/04/2018 21:28

YABU.

We've been together 17 years, married for 3.5 and I wouldnt have a joint account unless it was for bills to come out of either.

We each have a current and a savings account that our wages go into and we pay some bills each to be fair. Anything else gets swiped into our own savings accounts.

I won't have a joint account after my Dad fucked my Mum over well and truly, clearing their savings and disappointed to set off on a new life with another woman.

snewsname · 07/04/2018 21:28

I really don't understand people allowing lack of transparency in their relationships. . Obviously I know it's not as simple as that. But to me it's a matter of mutual respect and trust.

NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 21:29

he asks me how much so he can pay it in

We used to have this set up and it made me feel so shitty. Dh is a money spunker, so after some serious counselling and assertiveness training for me, we now have totally shared finances and it is much better. He still has monthly spending money and so do I but it is equal. Everything left over after that is joint savings.

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:29

Allthewaves we've had plenty of discussions about money yeah, I have asked him as it says in the OP.

When I asked him the other day what he has in savings he said nothing straight away, then he changed his mind to £150 which I thought was weird.

OP posts:
greathat · 07/04/2018 21:32

Surely you can't plan long term if you don't know how much money you have between you? Seems terrible to me that you live like that. Do you have kids? I know where all our money is, and it's ours. Goes in the joint account and we just discuss if planning a big purchase

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:38

That's part of my problem @greatthat. I want to budget but how can I if I don't know where it goes and have a true idea of income?! Also my account regularly bounces and I get charges, which wouldn't happen if his money was in there too.

I want to ask to see his statements so I can assess how much really goes in/out but I know that is unreasonable and I won't.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 21:43

I want to ask to see his statements so I can assess how much really goes in/out but I know that is unreasonable and I won't.

Why is that unreasonable? For pounds and pence figures it’s the easiest way to work it out. Your statement, his statements ... all on the kitchen table with a big pot of tea and some hobnobs and work the bloody thing out. Your financial situation isn’t working.

If you asked would he say yes? Or would he strop?

sanityisamyth · 07/04/2018 21:44

I'd never have a joint account again. My ExH was very controlling with money, stopped me from having online banking, never had any statements for me to see etc.

We never had any money and I could never work out why. Turned out his salary didn't go into the account (he had a secret account that he told me was closed), took my bank card and his to withdraw cash, took out credit cards and loans out in my name and left me to pay them off, and had a porn subscription coming out of the joint account. In 8 years he withdrew £56,000 in cash (I know it wasn't me).

Never, ever again.

sparklepops123 · 07/04/2018 21:47

Go you ever see statements? It’s like he doesn’t want you to see the account activity

VanGoghsLeftEar · 07/04/2018 21:50

My husband and I have separate accounts, always have done. As the bread winner I pay most of the bills. DH earns quite a bit less than me, so he pays for the Sky, the home buildings and contents, then all our monthly investments, the Big Shop and all the hobbies and interests we have. He also saves a good portion of his wage for a good holiday each year. We have been together for 17 years. I think if we had a joint account we wouldn't save as much.

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:56

No never Sparklepops and whenever I ask him the question of where the money goes he doesn't have an answer or says he spends it at the weekend. I pointed out he'd have to spend 100 every weekend over a month for that to be true and he just laughed. I find it really frustrating that I can't get an answer! He's always been sensible with money and he doesn't go out often at all, usually just drinks at home. So what is he spending it on?

OP posts:
Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:57

It's not so much about needing a joint account as such it's that I feel like I'm being left in the dark I suppose.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 07/04/2018 22:00

£400 a month is about £13 per day. While I don't have anywhere near £400 a month spare (or anything in fact!) I can understand how £13 per day could go without even noticing it - lunch, coffee, parking, picking up small bits of groceries, throwing a couple of quid in a collection at work, giving a DC a quid for something at school.

That's not to say that that makes it OK, but I can understand how it could slip by without him noticing it.

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 22:03

He doesn't pay parking, he doesn't give money for the kids at school, he takes a packed lunch every day. I think he does buy a coffee though.

13x7 is still £91

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 22:03

Does he smoke? Does he like scratch cards? Is he a fan of nice coffee? Does he buy his lunch out instead of taking a packed lunch? Any mix of those things could easily equate to £13/day spending.