to be annoyed my husband won't have a joint account?

[huginamugwankinapacket]

We have been together for 9 years and married for 3 years in September. When we got married I made a joint account as we'd always had separate ones and he has never used it so it's basically my account. If I need money for any reason and don't have it I have to ask him for it.

AIBU to find this annoying? I worked out that on paper he has a few hundred a month left over after he pays his share of the bills and yet it disappears. I want to know where it goes! He doesn't seem to have the answer. He doesn't go out, all he spends money on at weekends is topping up stuff like cat litter, bread etc. So where is the money?!

I also am very transparent where my money goes, I share Excel spreadsheets with him that what I pay out in bills etc. He just has NO interest in it whatsoever and doesn't comment. We are 30 and just floating along with no ideas for the future, I find it really frustrating.

Hold on... does the kids stuff come out of your £280??

These threads always baffle me. Not so much the daily spending, but the longer term. If a DH is salting away a grand a month in savings, in his name, and the wife is scrabbling around to buy kids shoes and haircuts every month, what on Earth is the plan for when they retire? Will he then decide to generously share his pot? I don’t see how -as a team - you can plan for a shared future without sharing finances over the years or at least having vaguely similar incomes.

You need to bill him half for all the stuff you mentioned you pay for either weekly or monthly. He's more of a lodger than a husband and father.

I'm single, and divorced. I would never share finances with anyone again.

So he only has 60 quid more than you. You need to tell him he needs to be paying for half of the kids stuff and half the food shop. Unless he's abusive that should solve it.

Me and my husband have a joint account for bills. All of our money is our own. We transfer 50% if our bills each into the account. The rest of our money stays in our sepperate accounts and is our own business! If my husband asked to see bank statements I’d tell him to fuck off!

What's the difference in income?
What exactly does he pay and what do you pay?
Are the things you mention ..fun,clothes,food paid from the £280 you have left over?

If he doesn't care what you do with your money and what you spend it on he'll probably find it very baffling that you care what he does with his?

I’m single and divorced, I won’t get involved with anyone who doesn’t want to be transparent with their finances.

He has 444 more than me a month, but he pays the rent, council tax, energy, tv licence, virgin, water, his phone, car insurance and his train a month out of it. All of that adds up to 1103 (sorry my pound sign is being annoying) and he has 1444 incoming.

I have 1000 and pay for everything else, except the bits he picks up like cat food and litter and bread and milk. If I'm really skint he sends me money. Iv always budgeted just what goes out a month as such like the bills and what I pay for food. I just sat and worked out extras, like haircuts, shoes, clothes, tax, mot, Christmas and birthdays etc and to cover that without borrowing we'd have to save 214 a month!!

I don't think he's being unfair actually with his money and he's careful with it, but I do think it's unfair how things aren't clear and how he is disinterested in finances.

He's really quite tight haha!

things aren't clear and how he is disinterested in finances.

He's saving it and he's "disinterested" because he has a pot of money elsewhere so he's not worried.

We put £500 a month each into a joint account to pay all the bills and do what we like with the rest of our wages. If we need more than that for any reason, then we both contribute an equal amount. I would be very resentful in your situation!

People really should discuss this early on in a committed/co habiting relationship.
If your values don’t match his, you have choices.
Bit late now, you can’t force much.
Joint or single accounts are fine as long as both are ok with it I suppose.

We did Ivorbig1, but it wasn't a deal breaker, just like it isn't now. It's a source of frustration, but not one to not get married or break up over, that seems more like control issues to me.

I’d be annoyed too. We’ve always had joint finances, mainly because until recently we had nothing left after the bills were paid! My DH gets stressed about money, and for a long time all the budgeting fell on my shoulders, I wasn’t happy and he did take it on for a short while, now I write out a spreadsheet every few months go through the bank statements listing everything that goes out and show him, so we both know where we stand, and we can plan together for the future.
If you’re spending all your money on essentials and he’s got spare money that’s not fair. If you’re renting then you need a plan, at least you need 6 weeks rent put aside to allow you to move if you need to. How do you plan for holidays, birthdays or Christmas spends?
I do know some couples where one has no knowledge of the others savings, it seems unpleasant to me. What is the point of marriage if you aren’t treating assets as jointly owned?

Does he gamble?

Your situation is incredibly unfair if you have to clothe the children out of your ‘left over’ money.

All earnings are family money. End of story.

Get him down the bank to use the current account switching service. They will redirect his account to the joint account.

Ridiculous

We have our own accounts, and a joint account for bills. Sounds as if you need to sit down and work out how much is needed, plus a bit extra and increase contributions from both of you if necessary.
If you are a spender, I can understand his caution, I’m the same about OH as he has a Mr Mickawber streak in him.

Lots if women are advised to have a separate account, in case of emergencies, or they need to leave. If OP is a spender, her partner may not be comfortable with her access to everything.

I don't think it's a problem with separate accounts but not being transparent. What happens if your husband was in a crash seroiusly injured or worse. It is very hard to get into an account without your name on, also if he has a savings account that you don't know about what would happen to it? I would go and have a Will written up for both of you and say how vulnerable you would be if anything happened to him

You’ve underestimated how much family spending you have - birthdays, shoes, haircuts etc. He needs to be laying his share of this. You should both have the same amount left over each month to save/spend/whatever.

You could try YNAB for a few months and track every single little boy of spending. This will show where you’re both spending and help you draw up a realistic budget - inc what you can cut down on.

I disagree that op is a ‘spender’ if things are as she says.
She buys clothes and food and shoes - these are consumable items, and if dh thinks she overspends on these items he should be joining in and trying to make savings!
She’s the family pa and it’s on her dime. National Trust membership...? Unless you are sneaking off to country houses solo, that’s a family expense. Same with Netflix. I sincerely doubt you keep the password a secret?

Fairest way is all income in one pot which pays for bills, groceries, transport, family stuff, childrens clothing and savings to cover stuff like Christmas, holidays, broken cars, pets and washing machines, that sort of stuff.

Both adults get equal spending money to cover their own discretionary spends and then if one is a spender and one a saver it doesn't matter. But need to take care with things like family spending if one is a spender, that they aren't spending more than needed/affordable on things like childrens clothing and stuff for the house.