to be annoyed my husband won't have a joint account?

[huginamugwankinapacket]

We have been together for 9 years and married for 3 years in September. When we got married I made a joint account as we'd always had separate ones and he has never used it so it's basically my account. If I need money for any reason and don't have it I have to ask him for it.

AIBU to find this annoying? I worked out that on paper he has a few hundred a month left over after he pays his share of the bills and yet it disappears. I want to know where it goes! He doesn't seem to have the answer. He doesn't go out, all he spends money on at weekends is topping up stuff like cat litter, bread etc. So where is the money?!

Sorry if I was being confusing re incomings & outgoings last night, I was really tired!

So he pays the bills and I pay everything else but he’ll help out at Christmas and the odd time at birthdays. He has also paid for our Haven holiday this year which was £150 so he’s not unreasonable like I say, but I do find it stressful, especially clothes wise. The kids havent had any new clothes for ages and he has acknowledged DD needs new tops as hers are small but he expects me to pay for them and I can’t at the moment. Yet if I buy them something on credit via a catalogue he gets annoyed!
When I say I’m a spender I don’t mean by excess. I mean I’m literally spending most days topping up food, on petrol, on parking or taking the kids to soft play etc. Half-term, unless we sit inside, costs me so much he has no idea and I try to do free stuff too and take a picnic. His parents are so careful with money and he’s picked that up off them which is great but they work as a team and plan their money carefully to afford things- which is what I want to do instead of floating along then getting myself overdrawn trying to pay for stuff.

I would never in a million years have a joint bank account with anyone. I want complete control of my credit history. I just transfer money to my DH when necessary.

Also my account regularly bounces and I get charges, which wouldn't happen if his money was in there too.

That would put me off wanting a joint account with you, if I'm honest. I wouldn't be able to budget my own money and know how much I'd got if you were bouncing things and overspending.

Do you think it's a fair split in paying for things? You've said he's fair... so are you overspending in things that you'd like to do/have but can't afford; or do you think he doesn't contribute enough?

I wouldn't manage my money this way, I'll have a joint account with DP one day I presume. But I think if one or both of us was happier with separate accounts, contributing proportional amounts, it'd be a bit off to then change this purely based on one of us overspending and wanting "cover".

"All earnings are family money. End of story."

This exactly.

I'm staggered by these kind of threads and just can't imagine how people with children live like this. What is the point?

He must be saving money somewhere which is terrible seeing as you have little to spare.

If he has savings and you Dds clothes are too small then that’s really horrible and not at all fair.

You could write down every penny that you spend. I’d doesn’t sound like you over spend at all

I feel like I'm being left in the dark I suppose

That's what would bother me most too. Yes it's most likely that he's squirrelling it away in a savings account, but since saving's an admirable thing to do, why not just say so for heaven's sake??

There are other possibilities around where it's going of course, but only you know how likely any of them are ...

Do you know where he keeps his bank statements? Or does he hide them from you?

Do you know where he keeps his bank statements? Or does he hide them from you?

It's probably less dark than that - I'd imagine a lot of people don't get statements through the post anymore; and it's all online.

Slight word of warning for those who don't have joint accounts for bills; my grandparents never had a joint account and when my grandpa died my nan had to ring round to various companies to get the DD switched over to her account as the bank froze my grandpa's as soon as they were notified of his death. This wasn't a huge issue, especially as they only had about 4 DDs but was something she could have done without having to do in a time of bereavement.

Why don't you tell him to buy DDs new tops then?

That would put me off wanting a joint account with you, if I'm honest. I wouldn't be able to budget my own money and know how much I'd got if you were bouncing things and overspending.

I really don't overspend and I'm not sure why people are insistent on saying so on here.

I'm studying which costs me 80 a month, we have to drive to school and spend 20 a week on petrol, I pay for DD to go to Rainbows, for clothes, for shoes, haircuts, life insurance, my own prescriptions and dentists, parking, days out, school trips, gifts for parties, birthdays, most of Christmas, food and toiletries, my own clothing (which is rare). I don't buy any food brands when I shop it's all own brand or value so that I can afford to buy all the fruit that gets gobbled up. I spend 100 each on the children on birthdays and Christmas which doesn't go far. We have 11 family members we share Christmas day with s

I don't think I'm being lavish. By all means feel free to give me advice on managing money better because I'm doing all I can whilst also trying to give my kids nice days out a few times a month.

We have had a joint account since we got married and it's worked for us for over 39 years.

ALL money that either of us get goes into the account and is OUR money. Over the years there have been times when I earned a lot more than DH, times when he earned a lot more than me and now I don't earn anything.

I can understand that separate accounts can work but can't understand how or why some people don't know what their OH earns. Also I would absolutely hate to have to ask my DH for money.

A couple of years ago DH got a large inheritance when his mum died. I am talking £200,000. We discussed together what we would do with it and it was just about all spent on things for the both of us. Quite a few friends were horrified and said I should have had no say and DH should have spent it on what he wanted.

That we share Christmas day with and spend 25 per person, but that's because they do, we don't want to/can't afford to spend that much but are sort of forced into it! So that's 275 on them.

There's also a lot more I feel like I could/should be doing but money doesn't allow. Like I don't take my kids to groups or swimming lessons etc. DD goes to Rainbows and that's it. I avoid a lot of things that cost money and so does DH, we've been out together 3 times in 5 years. Nights out are usually him every few months and he will drink the cheapest beer and get the bus home not a taxi haha.

Forty years - never a joint account.

So sit and talk and sort it out like his parents have done. Children’s expenses are joint, not yours alone. So work out what essentials need to be paid for, what extras would be nice if affordable and sort out who pays what into the joint account.
I know what OH earns, and how much he puts into the joint account, and he knows my finances. What we spend on other stuff is a different conversation. Over the years, the balance has swung one way and another, depending on employment and demands and so on.
The point is that your current situation and arrangements isn’t working effectively or efficiently, and that needs to change.

The money I earn is family money; the money dp earns is family money. We have a joint account and budget together, discuss large expenditure together and money has never really been an issue. I don't think I could have a relationship with someone I didn't trust - financial trust is just a part of that wider picture. I don't think this is a question about joint accounts, or money really, it's about trust and communication. Not wanting to even show your bank statements to your life partner is completely bizarre to me (why? what have you got to hide? What do you think will happen?). And I am divorced, so don't have a rose-tinted view of relationships.

By all means feel free to give me advice on managing money better because I'm doing all I can whilst also trying to give my kids nice days out a few times a month.

I know that I don’t know you and only read what you are sharing here, but based on that I know you are doing all you can. You are trying your best.

You have ~£2000/month altogether coming in, is that right?

So start by dancing with that figure. £24,000/year £461.50/week...

So the Christmas presents = just over 1% of your yearly income... is that reasonable? You can decide. If it is, start stuffing envelopes... put away £5.30 per week. If not, address it now when it’s not too close to Christmas. Now is a good time to reset gifting boundaries.

Do the same money dance for the rent or mortgage. And every other bill.

Work out every expense as a yearly expense and split it by 52... stuff more envelopes.

It’s a bloody annoyance but that is how you get in touch with your incomings and outgoings and what is reasonable and what is not.

Your dh has a responsibility to join in with this with you. You guys are sinking - regular bank charges could = half of that Xmas gift budget, if you get on top of things.

Do you need Netflix? £10/month = £120/year ... that one of the kids sorted for Xmas.

National Trust - lovely, but at ~£120 per year maybe you could go to the community parks for a year or two? (Another kid’s Xmas budget - tick!)

You don’t buy branded food - brilliant! Cleaning products: could you swap out sprays for diluting zoflora? Food: batch cooking is a ball ache but it does save money. Could you or dh batch cook with kids as an activity together? (There will be more time if there is no Netflix!)

Rainbows is a great way to spend your money on Dd! Do they have any second hand uniform sales?

Soft play: could you host a play date with about 4 kids and put on some cheap pizzas? This would likely be recipricated so you would have 5 nice activities for Dd for the price of a couple of basic pizzas. (I’m assuming Ds are younger so that might not work yet.)

Community play group is just as fun for kids and usually only a £1 with a snack included.

I find it really sad that your studies are seen as a personal expense. Dh ou bill was a family bill, I can’t imagine it being any other way. We all strugelled when he studied and his increased salary now benefits us all.

He sounds like one of those who thinks children should be much cheaper than they actually are. OPs modest spending habits are seen as extravagance because of that.

I think you should have your wages paid into your own separate accounts.
Joint account should be for ALL family expenditure. Obviously you need to sit down and agree what these are together. Transfer an agreed amount into the joint account to cover all expenditure each month. Asses this together every month.
Any money left over on your own accounts is your own business.
Job done!

I really don't overspend and I'm not sure why people are insistent on saying so on here.

That's pretty much what you've said on this thread - your payments bounce, you overspend.

I can't help you budget - like I said, I don't know if your DP contributes enough, and you just spend it too fast, or whether he doesn't contribute enough and you're doing your best to get by in what you have. I don't know how much you spend on things like half term. That's all for you to work out, really.

I was just explaining why I wouldn't be keen on a joint account in this situation.

Most people do have savings accounts separate from their spouse.

Do they??

Have you done a survey?

A couple of years ago DH got a large inheritance when his mum died. I am talking £200,000. We discussed together what we would do with it and it was just about all spent on things for the both of us. Quite a few friends were horrified and said I should have had no say and DH should have spent it on what he wanted.

I just don’t understand your friends’ thinking. You’re married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. Who could be in a marriage and be happy spending £200 grand that their wife has no say over?!

This is so sad, unless you both want separate accounts fine, I’ve been with my Dh 22 years this year and I’m a Sahm, my Dh always asks if I’ve got enough money for food and other things and if I’m not around or go to bed before he remembers to ask me he checks my purse and puts more in there if he sees I’m running low.

All our accounts are joint, but I’m first named on my account and he’s first on his account that his salary goes on, we both think of it as family money.

EastMidsMummy, I totally agree. I was amazed that anyone would suggest that DH should regard the money as his but, as I said, it was actually quite a few people who said it.

A couple of male friends told DH that he was "under the thumb" and that I was being selfish in expecting a say in what the money was spent on.

I too don't understand how couples have this attitude. We have always shared all money.