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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed my husband won't have a joint account?

150 replies

huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 21:19

We have been together for 9 years and married for 3 years in September. When we got married I made a joint account as we'd always had separate ones and he has never used it so it's basically my account. If I need money for any reason and don't have it I have to ask him for it.

AIBU to find this annoying? I worked out that on paper he has a few hundred a month left over after he pays his share of the bills and yet it disappears. I want to know where it goes! He doesn't seem to have the answer. He doesn't go out, all he spends money on at weekends is topping up stuff like cat litter, bread etc. So where is the money?!

OP posts:
Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 22:08

On an average week he will pick up milk and bread and cat food which costs around 8 pounds per week then twice a month he buys (cheap) cat litter so it's a fiver.

8x4 plus the fiver for cat food is 37 quid a month. He usually takes the kids somewhere free on the weekend. We've only had the car for 7 weeks and he's put in £40 of petrol there so thats a new outgoing but this spare money disappearing has been an ongoing thing for a while.

He's just said he doesn't buy a coffee every day actually he said he makes them but has to buy his own milk and coffee.

He's pretty savvy with money which is why I don't get it x

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Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 22:10

Doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble, will buy the cheapest but nicest beer he can afford which is usually 4 cans of coors light for a weekend. He's really quite tight haha! He takes a pack up every day.

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DeathStare · 07/04/2018 22:11

13x7 is still £91

I agree that it's a ridiculous amount of money to fritter. I could just see how it could be done without him noticing.

MunchMunch · 07/04/2018 22:22

I think it's still in the bank - in his savings account that you have no access to. You've said he doesn't really spend it, doesn't go out/smoke/gamble and he's sensible with money. That's the only explanation I can think of.

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 22:27

@munchmunch, do you think that's why he lied then changed his mind about it when I asked? I really hope that's the case. I can't see where else it goes.

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AgnesBrownsCat · 07/04/2018 22:28

Do you earn the same ? Maybe he doesn’t want to give it to you as he’s saving it . If you’re a spender and he’s not he may well be just trying to save it .

AgnesBrownsCat · 07/04/2018 22:29

If he’s tight with money then he’s saving it .

AgnesBrownsCat · 07/04/2018 22:30

Tight people don’t fritter £100 a month never mind £400 .
I’m speaking from experience. Although perhaps more sensible or frugal as opposed to tight .

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 22:31

Yeah I'm a spender! Not lavishly as we don't have much combined, but I'm less careful than he is. I'd be happy that he was saving it, thats why I don't understand why he can't just say he is. shrug

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RedForFilth · 07/04/2018 22:34

I'd say he has savings tbh and I'd suggest you have your own savings account too. I'd advise everyone to always have an individual pot if possible! I know some people can't afford to save at all but I've always saved what I can, even if it'sa fiver every few months.
I'm a single parent now but when we were together my son's dad knew I had a savings account but had no idea how much was in there. If any partner asked to see my statements I'd refuse.
If you have kids then I think you should have equal spending money each month. And I would never see a partner struggle - no one should be worse off in a serious committed relationship than they would be if they were alone.

NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 22:35

Ok if he is sensible and you are a spender that changes my opinion completely!

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 22:37

Finances in marriage cause a lot of problems and if they arent discussed before marriage ..It's almost impossible to change things.

We don't have joint accounts...but DH pretty much pays all the bills and the mortgage. So I don't ask what else he spends on it how much he has.

I pay for groceries and anything child related.

Personally I don't like explaining how I spend my money. I don't care how DH spends his either. I know he always has more than enough money for whatever he wants or whatever we need.

RedForFilth · 07/04/2018 22:38

If he's a saver and knows you're a spender he might be worried you'll spend it!

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 22:38

I've nothing against having our own pots separately but in an ideal world I'd like our joint account to be for all of our bills and then we'd save separately in our own personal accounts so we each had our own money.

He wouldn't even log into our joint account, he was sent an email when I set it up to go onto the online banking and have his own log in but he didn't bother to do that.

It annoyed me that he never knew what was going on money wise for me, hence setting it up so that he gets alerts via text if the money is low Wink

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RedForFilth · 07/04/2018 22:41

Well he's your husband so maybe assumes you can talk to him rather than rely on a texting service from the bank if you have money troubles?

NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 22:46

Why is the money running out though? Are you overspending or do you have too much of a financial burden with your share of bills?

NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 22:50

From your op:
I worked out that on paper he has a few hundred a month left over after he pays his share of the bills
Have you worked out the same for yourself? How much should you have left over?

ShirlySue · 07/04/2018 22:55

Me and DP have a joint account that we pay money for bills in to (that's it). Everything else we keep separate. If he needs help one month I'll help, and vice versa. Don't need a joint account for savings and don't want one! We make almost exactly the same wage (31k each) so pay in the same each month. He will pay more when I go on mat leave in November, I paid more when he had an op and was out of work for a while. We both know about what each person spends however and are very open with each other.

People will tell you the lack of joint account is the issue when actually I think your issue is that you seem to have no idea of each other's financial situation.

Prancingonthevalentine · 07/04/2018 23:04

Yes it's not the joint account that is the problem, but married people should know how much money each one earns so they can divide it fairly and plan accordingly.

bionicnemonic · 07/04/2018 23:05

Could you say you're thinking over trying to overpay on your mortgage (if you have one, or save for a holiday if not) and you'd like to draw up a spreadsheet and spend the day checking cheapest utility suppliers etc (so a total financial overhaul) but you need to input all the outgoing and can you see his statements etc
sample spreadsheet
www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning#free

Voice0fReason · 07/04/2018 23:11

I don't understand how families manage without financial transparency.

numptynuts · 07/04/2018 23:12

Joint account here. I'm the main earner and manage the finances. I couldn't be arsed with separate accounts. We are married so I would never have my salary paid into my own account and "give" DH money. Doesn't feel right to me.

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 23:20

RedforFilth I used to just ask him if I needed money but I changed to the text service so he knew what my balance was, it texts him if its under 50 quid. He would never ask or seem to take it into account otherwise and I always felt very sheepish approaching him because I think he thinks I just fritter it but I don't. He doesn't seem to have a great concept of how much food costs at the moment either. We have three children aged 5,3 and 2.

I've added in the recent car insurance in and he has 340 left a month and I have 280 on paper. This money seems to evaporate though and I've no idea where it goes, like I say we by no means have a lavish lifestyle, we rent and don't have nice things in our home. We get a takeaway once a month. We don't go out often and if we go to the cinema just me and DD go or just DD and my husband and it's an independent one so its a fiver each. I get my hair cut twice a year, DD hasn't had her hair cut in 2.5 years (slow grow) and my two sons have theirs done every 2 months.

I pay for food, clothing (sometimes he chips in for shoes as they're 35 quid each for the 3 of them), the childrens hobbies, and all the leisure stuff. Then I have my own bills like my phone, petrol, my online access course, National Trust membership, Netflix, etc. I spent 60 quid alone last month on petrol which was crazy as DH put in 40 quid. I think that was the excitement of having a new car though.

If he could just work with me on the money thing it would be really helpful but I get left to organise everything like always :(

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NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 23:23

This money seems to evaporate though and I've no idea where it goes,
Confused
But you are miffed that dh is in the same position?

Original poster
huginamugwankinapacket · 07/04/2018 23:25

I'm miffed we both are, but I'm confused as to how he is- I know where my money goes (on the above) but where does his? He has very little to spend on which is why it makes less sense.

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