to be annoyed my husband won't have a joint account?

[huginamugwankinapacket]

We have been together for 9 years and married for 3 years in September. When we got married I made a joint account as we'd always had separate ones and he has never used it so it's basically my account. If I need money for any reason and don't have it I have to ask him for it.

AIBU to find this annoying? I worked out that on paper he has a few hundred a month left over after he pays his share of the bills and yet it disappears. I want to know where it goes! He doesn't seem to have the answer. He doesn't go out, all he spends money on at weekends is topping up stuff like cat litter, bread etc. So where is the money?!

So you have 1k each month to buy food, clothes, Petrol and clubs?

Is that correct?

Aaaand... my opinion is starting to change.
After your last update he sounds like a dick. He was more than happy to pay just rent while u were the main earner,but at no point in time did he think to pick up the slack once you weren't? You had to have a big argument just to make things fair?
And you really tried to make it work first which i think it's pretty impressive. I see nothing to justify his lack of trust of the way you manage finances.

Sounds like a new massive argument is in order if that's the only way he will listen.

Our incomings are 2444 per month. 1k is mine, 1444 is his. He is paid monthly, I am paid weekly but this amount varies weekly.

Our total combined bills are 1436 including National Trust, life insurance, a small nursery fee and Netflix.
Food is 360.
Petrol is 80.
= 1876.

That gives 568 left over after all bills, food and petrol are paid a month. That 568 is split between us as 341 (DH) and 227 (me).

The 568 should be for clothing for all of us, shoes, tax, MOT, spare money for car repairs, haircuts for the boys every 2 months and my hair cut every 6 months, parties we are invited to, birthdays, school trips, christmas and Rainbows, then any leisure things we do like the odd night out or a wedding. We do have a holiday every year but this year it's 150 for a Monday-Friday at Haven and last year it was 115, so we're not being extravagant.

It is plenty of money per month that we don't seem to have somehow and is why I'm trying to figure it all out and write it down (which is something I do regularly). I've even done stuff like trawl my online banking and add up all the food shop transactions to work out an average of what I spend to try and cut down but honestly we buy all own brand or value I don't see what I can do. I've cut out buying crisps as they were costing so much and they're of no nutritional value. I've cut out buying add ons like sweets etc when I do the big shop. I walk around and say 'do I really need that?' and if not it goes back.

I wish I knew where I am going so wrong.

I feel your pain as I was in a similar situation. My DH is just not interested in budgeting or financial management of any kind. We have had numerous arguments about it. We lost over £800 in overdraft charges at one stage. As it happens, we are lucky that we have more than enough coming in right now to cover our expenses but I have not forgotten what he was like when things were tighter.

I often thing that there should be a chain of relationship guidance people who specialise in getting couples to talk about finances - it is such a common issue. To me it is just yet another example of the 'mental load' that some partners impose. And I suspect it ties in with the other issues that children and all their things are seen as women's work/aka 'don't bother me about this trivial stuff'.

I would really question a father who apparently doesn't care enough that his DD's clothes don't fit to buy more for her without being asked.

I am sorry but I don't have any solutions other than to suggest you start a small savings account for yourself even if it's just a few pounds here and there, as this doesn't strike me as a man who is going to rush to your rescue should you ever need cash.

Being paid weekly when all bills come out monthly and you don't have a lot of spare money is difficult. Can you try to be extra frugal for a few weeks (buy only absolute essentials, use up all the food, toiletries etc in the house rather than buying more, sell things you don't need) to get ahead a bit and have a bit of a float in your current account?

But often when contactless payments don't show and I forget about them then that's when I go overdrawn

Do you get charged for being overdrawn? Are you accounting for that in your outgoings? You might find it easier to move your money for things like food, fuel and general spending to a separate account and just keep enough for the coming month's direct debits in the account they come out of, and don't touch it during the month and do all your spending from the separate account, perhaps even leave the card for the bills account at home so you can't use it by accident.

We actually put all our regular spending on credit cards and then pay it off in full every month and treat it as another bill. It means that I can look once a month just after payday and see that we need £X in the current account for the coming month for all direct debits including last month's credit card bill and hopefully there is enough there, but move money from savings if there isn't, for example if an annual bill has been paid, or we've been on holiday. Also has the advantage of earning a bit of cashback.

Sorry if I've missed an actual reason, but why does your DH get more spending money than you?

Op

You need 3 bank accounts

Mortgage and bills

Spending money

Savings

Urgently get all of your direct debits taken out of the same account - get your husbands salary paid into that account

Spending money - get your wages paid into this account

Transfer £80 each month into the savings account from here. Set up a Standing order of £20 PW and that’s your savings.

These savings should cover your annual holiday, Xmas and birthdays plus car service etc. If not up it by a tenner.

What do your children’s clubs cost each year? Also add that onto your savings amount. Give the children a budget if £30 per month clothing. Add that onto your savings too.

Once you have done this then you know what you have left for food, Petrol and personal spends.

Show this figure to your husband. Ask him to make the system a bit fairer

So if you put away £150 pcm in savings (roughly) you would have much less stress as the money would already be allocated

The £568 is not split between you. You are using your £227 to cover a host of extras whilst he pockets his £341.
You will never feel relaxed about finances with him because he does not
want to share financial responsibility equally.
You have had so many rows about the finances and he still refuses to budge at all.
Tbh you would be better off as a single parent than living with this tight ass!

I said to him last night that I want him to send the £1103 to our joint account and have all the combined bills leave that account.
Then we have a savings account attached which we agreed we will put in a sum into the savings account monthly that will be a pot which we’ll use to cover birthdays, clothing, etc. Anything left he can do what he likes with.

He was really quiet but in the end said yes its best for the kids that way. I told him that when he married me, whether he realised or not, that what’s mine is his and vice versa. I said I shouldnt have to be worried logging into my bank account constantly when he only looks in his once a week because we are so disorganised.

We’ll see.

Well done! Just make sure he actually does it.

This is so sad, unless you both want separate accounts fine But it is fine to insist on joint account because one wants it?

I've been married 35 years, no joint account. We are both happy with that but if DH suddenly said he wasn't happy with that so we had to have a joint account I'd laugh at him. I'm an adult and if I want a separate account it is up to me.

I didn't say have to, I said I think it would be a fairer idea because at the moment it isn't working. He didn't object and as an adult like you stressed, he would have every right to. So there's no force involved. You can't force anyone into a joint account you can only suggest it and hope they agree if that's the way you think things will work best. We both will have our own separate bank accounts that we will have money free to do whatever we want with.

I don't think he's actually ever realised all of the other stuff I pay for other than bills and food. I think he just thinks I squander it. This morning he's sent me £40 to get DD some clothes for example, when she needs new everything because it's all tiny on her. He really has no clue about the cost of the children. I will go to Primark with it, it should go further there but IME it all gets holes in very quickly, especially the leggings. But better than nothing :)

huginamugwankinapacket my reply was to another poster and I quoted what I was replying to. If you have agreed a joint account that is great if it what you both want and I hope it works.

Glad to hear you’re getting this sorted. How did you work out how much he sends into the joint account for bills?

I work it out to be 1160 to leave you both with the same amount of money at the end of the month.

2444 income - 1876 shared bills = 568
568/2 = 284

His contribution is 1444-284 = 1160
Your contribution is 1000 -284 = 716
1160 + 716 = joint bill pot of 1876

Does this joint pot include rainbows, children’s clothes etc? If not, then you should both set aside a savings pot of 50 or 100 each to pay towards DC and anything else joint.

Just re-read and the 568 left over is to cover for everything else. In that case, I think you should decide how much you will each have for frivolous spending - coffees, nights out etc. Everything else should go into a separate joint account for family spending - rainbows, kids shoes, holiday plus spending money, birthday parties, etc.

I don't think he's actually ever realised all of the other stuff I pay for other than bills and food. I think he just thinks I squander it. This morning he's sent me £40 to get DD some clothes for example, when she needs new everything because it's all tiny on her. He really has no clue about the cost of the children. I will go to Primark with it, it should go further there but IME it all gets holes in very quickly, especially the leggings. But better than nothing

Dear DH - little DD needs clothes - let's go shopping together for them with your credit card. Then, when the DCs are older and want anything 'go see Daddy - he's the one with the cash'.

"My bills which are 333 including National Trust, nursery premium fee of
£8, our life insurance and Netflix."

Can you explain a bit more about this? That doesn't include the food cost, which you budget separately, and all the other big bills are paid by him. So what is costing £300+ a month that isn't food or rent or utilities?

If he has no idea then you have to force him to look. Write down on huge piece of paper in big writing every single penny you spend. Stick this on to the fridge and add each new purchase to the penny. So he has to see what it is spent on.
It's useful to him to be ignorant of what you spend. Make him see.

Thought as much. Called it yesterday. He thinks OP is a spendthrift because he doesn't understand how much things for children cost.

And sure, there are things you could shave off your budget. You might be able to stretch that £40 even further with online bundles, you could do without the NT membership etc (although it's pretty good value and bundle quality tends to decline markedly by your DDs age) but the point is, the small amount of slack you do have in your budget is all being taken by him at the moment. By all means continue to examine your finances forensically to see what can be trimmed. But he's the ones that's spending nearly £350 a month on milk and cat litter.

The 568 should be for clothing for all of us, shoes, tax, MOT, spare money for car repairs, haircuts for the boys every 2 months and my hair cut every 6 months, parties we are invited to, birthdays, school trips, christmas and Rainbows, then any leisure things we do like the odd night out or a wedding.

It might be worth sitting down and working out how much you spend between you on all those things, and who pays for them. You may find that the average of £568 a month isn't enough, or that you pay for them all out of your £244. Then you can discuss with DH how to redress the balance or what you should cut back on.

I wouldn't be surprised if you found that the figures don't quite stack up. Your income is about the same as ours. We don't have any child-related costs (DSS is nearly 28, and far better off than us) or housing costs, but we only seem to manage to save around £400-500 a month. I can easily imagine that the children cost almost that much.

I think you might find that you don't realise how much the things he does cost just like he doesn't realise how much the things you buy cost.

It is hard to know but how often does he give you extra money, how much does he give you, how much does he contribute to Christmas or other special occasions, how much does the holiday really cost, I've got the GC this week and it is amazing how much a swimming trip, ice creams when we got to to the beach and other things add up.

As poster above says you might find you are both right and there just isn't any spare money.

So he's given his dd £40 for new clothes, which isn't enough. So you will scrimp and get inferior ones from primark. What's wrong with going back to him and saying what they'll really cost?
You could do an online basket at m&s or Tesco or wherever of the clothes you think she needs, and then show it to him. Should give you a better idea of the price.
Ultimately you need to know what the full family income is and I don't think you do yet.

Yes that's a point OP, what would happen if you told him you're going to need more than that?

OT but why is primark "inferior"?

This has to stop. You should have access to and visibility into your joint finances. Not reasonable for you to be asking for handouts. Financial equality in the relationship is paramount. Does t matter who earns more; marriage should be an equal partnership.