to be annoyed my husband won't have a joint account?

[huginamugwankinapacket]

We have been together for 9 years and married for 3 years in September. When we got married I made a joint account as we'd always had separate ones and he has never used it so it's basically my account. If I need money for any reason and don't have it I have to ask him for it.

AIBU to find this annoying? I worked out that on paper he has a few hundred a month left over after he pays his share of the bills and yet it disappears. I want to know where it goes! He doesn't seem to have the answer. He doesn't go out, all he spends money on at weekends is topping up stuff like cat litter, bread etc. So where is the money?!

We have a joint account but is barley has anything in. It's just to put money aside.

Day to day, we have our own accounts, own money and pay 50/50 on everything.

I don't think you should have to have one. I like that my money is mine. I feel like I'd have to double check every time if it was joint.

@NotTakenUsername Rainbows uniform is second hand yes but it costs 35 per term to send her so there's still a cost then the odd trip here and there but the last one was very cheap.

I don't need Netflix but we watch it every day either for the children our ourselves and I'm not willing to give up watching series with my husband as if we do that we will give up literally everything we have. I know that sounds silly but we hardly go out, hardly drink, we don't smoke etc.

Soft play is 5 pounds for a months pass for each of my children so it's not crazy money :)

I don't like playgroups to be honest. They're always at times my boys are tired and they end up kicking off so I don't go anymore. Last time my son was so tired he threw his snack off the table onto a mum and I was mortified.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath what I mean is, I don't overspend by being lavish, I am careful and I don't waste money. I overspend accidentally because I'm desperately reaching out to my husband time and time again about not being able to afford things and how it's a strain when I have to buy the children clothes etc but he doesn't listen.

Even today I sat him down with a piece of paper- it had all our incomings and outgoings on it monthly, and how much we have left over. Then another section for costs that weren't monthly- so Christmas, birthdays, haircuts, Rainbows, school trips, etc. I worked out how much this would cost us per year then worked out how much we'd need to save monthly so that there'd be a pot of money we could take from to cover the cost of those things, rather than hitting them and being broke.

He looked at it and just said 'yeah'. I said to him that he had acknowledged DD's clothes were all small and guess what he said? 'Yeah'. No offer of help and said he's saving for our Haven holiday in June and has 150 for that. It's just Haven, self-catering and we'll be driving to beaches for the 4 days. We don't need an awful lot of spends, surely between now and then he could afford to help with the clothes?

I'm living in a dream land I think, he just is ignorant completely of the cost of kids and I'm absolutely fed up right now.

I log into my online banking every day, often more than once a day because I'm constantly paranoid about what I have coming and going and whether I can afford the top up shops- but often when contactless payments don't show and I forget about them then that's when I go overdrawn. I feel like I'm trying so hard and he's not helping and to be honest I'm getting more and more annoyed by the day and feel like I'm going to blow up over it soon.

Food shopping just seems to cost a ridiculous amount. I go to Aldi and get everything as cheap as I can. Really sick of it all :(

Not having a joint account is arguably the reason why I was able to afford to move out when I left my financially irresponsible exH.

Then again, it's arguably also the reason why I lost a minor fortune in the divorce - if I hadn't had my own account all along there wouldn't have been a penny left to lose.

Needless to say, I'm glad we never had one and I wouldn't ever agree to one.

Like I said, I don't want us to have a sole joint bank account.

I don’t blame you being cross, I’d be. He’s failing to take any responsibility for budgeting. What about a joint credit card to save you going to him for top ups?
Essentially your dd needs new clothes and he’s shrugged his shoulders and expects you to magic up the money. He’s expecting to be able to have savings while you spend everything on family stuff?
If you said you can’t afford Netflix would he cough up or just do without?
What does he say when you point out the inequality?

God - some posters on here are just incapable of any empathy or kindness.
You are not being unreasonable, op. He is being unfair to expect you to live like this.

You really, really need financial transparency. I don't understand why posters keep telling you to talk to him about it when you've clearly said that you've tried to talk many times () but now you need to insist, make a scene if necessary... You need to know how much money your family has and where it's going to. Stand your ground and good luck!

Separate bank accounts, but we are both able to access each others accounts if needed. My dh takes care of those things, I earn the lion's share of our income, he organises it. Whenever I want to make a big purchase, I always ask him which credit card to use, ( tesco, amex, etc) to ensure we are getting the right bonuses.

OP is the 280 after or before you pay for clothes,haircuts,netflix,clubs etc?

Just read your update. This is awful. You shouldn't be panicking about money while he just shrugs his shoulders.

Is he normally reasonable? Or does he always ignore you while you try to talk to him?

I have 227 left after

-Food is paid, I budget £90 per week which includes 2 cats and a hamster.
-My bills which are 333 including National Trust, nursery premium fee of
£8, our life insurance and Netflix.
-Petrol at 20 per week (we have to drive to school out of catchment).

I have asked DH a few times too to help me to come up with a plan on how I can utilise that spare money so that it doesn't disappear, and again no help. He is good with numbers so I wanted him to help me but he's so disinterested that right now whilst typing this I could cry with how frustrated it makes me feel.

I feel so ridiculous that I have 1k a month and can't seem to cope on it?!?! To me it sounds a lot but seems to go nowhere.

Tell him you are thinking of leaving him if he doesn't listen.... see if that has any effect!

I don't understand the his expenses/your expenses stuff at all. Which is why a joint account for nearly all money with separate ones with an agreed and equal amount for spending money really is a fairer route. It shouldn't be about you stretching money, it should be about your income being pooled to meet all the household expenses. As he has refused to talk to you about it I do believe he is being financially abusive.

@huginamugwankinapacket If i were you I'd start by having him pay half of nursery and life insurance. Possibly National Trust and Netflix too.
Ask him to join in for bdays and xmas too, for example one pays for the parties, one for the presents,one pays for xmas dinner and relatives,one pays for the kids presents.

As for budgeting,you don't need him! Take charge of your own finances , write down everything you spend your money on, open a savings account to which you add money monthly,even as low as 5£, this is non negotiable and it goes out just like any other bill. Check your Direct debits just in case you have random ones set up that u forgot about (OH had a credit checker one,an adopted elephant, a newspaper subscription and a British Heart one...he had no idea he was still paying for all of them adding up to about 30£ a month).
Have a look at what you've bought in the past if it was wanted or needed.

So you have to pay for the children’s clothes and £80 tuition fees out of that left over £227.

I’m not surprised you are almost crying. I cry when I’m really angry so I’d be in tears.

@Prancingonthevalentine I don't think he is ,or at least I can't form a definite opinion yet. He's left with about ~300 a month and Op with about ~230 a month. It's not a massive difference, especially when you consider the difference in income which is ~400£.He does give extra money to OP when she needs it.

I do agree that he should join in with some of OP's expenses though.

but often when contactless payments don't show and I forget about them then that's when I go overdrawn.

I had to work in cash for a while because of this. I would get in such a muddle. I never do contactless even now. It’s to easy to lose track of.

@RebelRogue I know I don't need him but as I get paid weekly I find it really confusing with direct debits dotted throughout the month I never know whether I'm coming or going and it mashes my head.

I'm going to try again tonight for the billionth time to work out a budget for myself. Then I'm going to tell him exactly how all of this is making me feel, but he will deflect it as usual. He told me earlier that he spends it all in Asda buying cat food and litter per week plus the odd bread or milk. I didn't respond because I just wanted to ask how that adds up to 380 a month but didn't want to start an argument.
That was all the conversation I got out of him, when he saw me on my laptop and writing notes and calculating stuff for hours. That's all he had to say other than 'yeah'. He does this every time and then it carries on as normal...

341 sorry* I'm getting numbers muddled.

@huginamugwankinapacket there are apps to help you to budget,just a simple spreadsheet can work wonders and there are loads of knowledgeable people on here to help as well.

Looking at the numbers, even if you joined in together, income 2444,bills 1876. Left over 568, now you could have 1-200 come out as well for clothes ,xmas,extras and split the rest equally. Or split the whole, which would give each of you 284 a month which I don't think it would make a massive difference? But if it really would just ask him to set up a DD to you for 50 £ a month,then everything is fair and equal(approximately).

If none of this would make a difference,it might just be that you(as a couple) simply don't have enough money coming in.

Can you change the date the direct debits come out so they coincide with the times you get paid? Can you change your pay to monthly? Are you entitled to any benefits?

I don't think he's being financially abusive, like Rebel said we have roughly the same left over but he never seems to consider things I pay for other than the bills, food and rent unless I point them out.

I think he is genuinely clueless/ignorant to what's going on and what things cost. I also think he doesn't trust me financially and that's why he won't be transparent.

I'm going to be really blunt: you need to push this, and not shy away from an argument. If I'm having a conversation about finances with my DH and he doesn't seem to be engaging (it happens) I will say so, I won't just wait for him to offer help and then seethe silently if he doesn't. 'Yeah' just doesn't cut it and you need to let him know!

Just for perspective, I am very very reluctant to set up a joint account because I am a bit tight and don't want his frittering (on top of my own which is bad enough!) to cause me to lose control of my finances. But I don't dodge discussing it like this.

You are absolutely doing the right thing sitting down to work out where the money is going, but he needs to engage with the process as well.

@huginamugwankinapacket why doesn't he trust you?

We've had big arguments in the past because our old set up was that he'd pay the rent and I'd pay everything else, because I was the main earner. Then we had our children and I went on maternity and it was still the same. He quite happily let me try to manage that on my own whilst paying for childcare on a part-time wage. In the end I went absolutely batshit and transferred all the big bills into his account details and told him I wasn't paying them anymore.

Every time we talk about it, it goes one of two ways- huge argument in which he says he's paying all he can and doesn't have any spare money, or he just says 'yeah' to whatever I say, and we don't argue, and nothing changes.