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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about friends wanting DP to play daddy to their DC?

131 replies

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:03

I was for several years a single mum with an absolutely worse than useless XP, before meeting my DP who I've been with for nearly 10 years. We have a 6yr old DS with ASD and I have a 16 yr old DD from a previous relationship. DP is rather lovely (well I would think so wouldn't I!) and a good, gentle, very involved father to both DC despite having had a really shitty start in life himself, and having depression that has made life seem very dark to him at times (currently well controlled with medication and self help such as running).

So that's my backstory. My AIBU is about a couple of my friends (who don't know each other) who have both decided that DP is some sort of super dad (he's not, he's just a normal person doing his best!).

Friend A has a 4 yr old DD who is besotted with DP, in fact with almost any man that she comes into contact with. Her XP hasnt been seen since before her DD was born but she keeps jumping into relationships as she really wants a father figure for her. When they come over her DD is almost possessive over DP, sitting on his knee, trying to clamber on him, holding his hand etc and when DP tries to gently break her away from him the mum starts laying it on really thick about how much her DD needs a daddy figure and how much she loves men and needs to interact with them (yes really, those words). DS notices it and sometimes comments on it (Apsie lack of tact!) to which he is told by my friend that he should "share his daddy as [DD] hasn't got a daddy". DP has started hiding or being out when they come over but my friend keeps asking where he is and saying how much her DD wants to see him etc. Also DS quite often needs both of us there so if we are meeting out and about we do both need to go!

Friend B is also a single mum with an ex in prison and has a 15 yr old boy who is starting to be very challenging. She keeps on asking me if DP will "do some dad stuff" with him. DP has once or twice taken him out for the day but she is being really pushy about wanting a weekly arrangement and again laying it on thick about how worried she is that he will get into drugs or petty crime. I keep telling her to ask DP herself but she keeps saying she'd feel awkward and wanting me to persuade him!

DP is more than happy to hang out with both friends and their DC when we happen to meet up or have them to visit but we are both feeling a bit uncomfortable with the repeated expectation that he should be fulfilling father roles in their DC lives. Both are lovely friends and I don't want to upset them by being blunt or unsympathetic but the fact is that DP has his own children to be a father to and can't solve everyones problems! Any tips for tactful ways to try and stop this? (I also have Aspergers so communication isn't always very easy for me, which probably doesn't help here!)

OP posts:

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:06

PS I'm sure at least one poster will want to tell me I'm a smug bitch but I really don't want to be. This is a genuinely awkward situation for us both! And as they are my friends I feel it's up to me to try and sort it out.

OP posts:

TheQueenOfWands · 07/04/2018 17:07

Aspie here.

Kind of bullied into things, aren't we? Easily swept along with the tide.

I have no solution. If you're up for it tell them to get their own men and leave yours alone, but I don't think anyone would say that in real life.

Cut down contact? Or keep saying, 'I have no idea what his plans are/he's very busy," whenever they ask.

Or be straight and say he's not comfortable with it.

MallorieArcher · 07/04/2018 17:09

After reading your title I thought ywbu but holy shit dude, that's beyond.
We have a friend whose ex is a twat and one of her kids needed a bloody talking to about his attitude as her ex wouldn't do it. DH went round and had a chat with him about respecting women. That, I felt, was going above and beyond but we did it as a favour as she was at her wits end.
What your friends are asking is for your dp to put other children he isn't related to above his own, it's not on. YANBU

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:10

Actual LOL QueenOfWands

That's how it makes me feel tbh. But I hate feeling like that and would never want to be rude so I sort of don't say anything and it carries on.

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ohfourfoxache · 07/04/2018 17:10

I think I’d be distancing myself from them. A lot.

MallorieArcher · 07/04/2018 17:11

Btw, am not aspie, and this sounds like they are CF . It is not normal. I have no advice but queenofwands sounds sensible.

I do want to reassure that you are reacting absolutely appropriately!

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:11

And I have so much empathy for them as they have both been truly left in the shit and I know how awful that is.

But tbh DP and I are only just keeping our own family above water and it's a real struggle for us to cope. People probably think we manage really well but it takes a lot of effort and leaves us completely spent!

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Queenio24 · 07/04/2018 17:11

Erm your DS certainly does not have to share his dad!
Also your DP cannot be held responsible for stopping someone elses's teen for drifting into crime.
I think the best way is to keep saying he's busy elsewhere, busy in the house, busy with work etc, it's a bit nuts of your friend to want a weekly arrangement!

AuditAngel · 07/04/2018 17:13

I am astounded at the thought if your DP providing a weekly arrangement as a father figure. I think you just need to tell this friend that they are expecting too much, that you need your DP to parent your children!

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:14

But neither are CF in any other way... they're both lovely and so kind and accepting of our DS (who can be very hard work) and I enjoy both their company. They just both have this massive gaping chasm that they seem to think DP can help paper over!

I probably need to just see them without the kids for the time being.

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ohfourfoxache · 07/04/2018 17:15

Fly you sound lovely.

But let’s look at this bluntly; yes they’ve been left in the shit, but that’s not your problem.

What happens with these “friends” when they get into a relationship, and your DP is forgotten? His relationship with DS will already have been damaged. And it will have been damaged for nothing.

Seriously, I wouldn’t bother being polite and I’d be telling them to get tae fuck

sparklepops123 · 07/04/2018 17:16

I think they're both crazy, you can't ask a child to "share" their dad ! I'd defiantly distance myself from them. Poor guy !

ohfourfoxache · 07/04/2018 17:17

Actually, forget what I said about them finding their own relationships - that’s utterly irrelevant, sorry

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2018 17:18

You sound lovely and no hint of smugness, you and DP sound like a kind, excellent couple

With friend B and the incredibly unreasonable demand for a weekly commitment, I'd tackle that head on and say he's already juggling work and having enough quality time with his own DC so not possible. No apology because it's really out of order to even suggest it.

If she says he needs a male role model to stay out of trouble, I'd repeat that you're sure she's doing a great job being a parent to him and if he needs additional support then to talk to his school. Really, it's lovely to support each other but the "takes a village" thing doesn't mean trying to steal/co-opt your mate's partner as a replacement parent!

Friend a - does she have no male friends or relatives? It's too much and it's completely unfair on the DD for her mum to try and set your DP up as such a pivotal figure in her life. He's YOUR partner, YOUR DC Dad/step dad.

Hobnobsarenotfordunking · 07/04/2018 17:22

Do not let your DP agree to a weekly arrangement, it is unfair on your own family for him to have this commitment.

However if your DP wants to then could say once a month he take the teenager out to an activity? Not a promised regular thing, just as and when he has chance. Something time limited so it doesn’t take a whole day but makes the teen feel important? He could make a huge difference with a small amount of time.

The smaller girl I would cut contact with for a while. I can’t see anything positive coming from increased contact with your partner and it sounds like the girl needs to learn some boundaries.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2018 17:23

I would stop meeting them with kids and if it meant distancing myself from them then so be it. VERY cheeky to push for a weekly arrangement, too. 'Please stop bringing this up. We're not in a position to agree to regular arrangements.' With the other friend, too, I'd just stop meeting her with her kid or distance. She's way out of line to tell a kid he has to share his father.

AjasLipstick · 07/04/2018 17:24

I had this with a neighbour OP. She latched onto me and then, she encouraged her toddler to attach to DH...DH is a very approachable man and a good Dad so it was sort of understandable as the child had no dad of her own but I was NOT comfortable with it at all.

So I ditched her pronto. We moved anyway and I didn't stay in touch.

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:28

I'm not alone in finding that an utterly bizarre thing to say then? I held back about how weird I find her saying DS should share his daddy as I was worried I was being unkind. Obviously other people also find it unacceptable.

It's just she says it with such genuine sadness. I get it. She is devastated at how her life is and how her dream of a perfect family is not happening and I feel for her. But this makes us really uncomfortable!

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2018 17:30

You don't sound smug at all, Fly and your DP sounds nice too, he's made an effort with your friends and their unreasonable clinginess but it's time to stop.

Perhaps your friends think you have it too 'easy' because they see you and your DP as a family unit and you have his support. They want that too. That's fine but they needs to find their own support by forming relationships with better men. I think most of us have done it, hooked up with a wrong'un or two ten.

If you want a tactful way of letting them know that enough is enough, I would say something like; "Look, I know you think that I/we have it easy but really, we're like the duck on the water that looks like it's gliding along when we're paddling like mad under the water. We have our own challenges with our kids and we have a lot of work to do there. We're always pleased to see you and x child but please, don't put pressure on DP to be a father to your child because he doesn't like it but is too kind to tell you straight. Added to which, it's really not fair - not to him, not to your child and not to our children or me. All round really. Let's keep it to casual meet-ups and we'll all know where we stand then".

That's what I would say anyway... and I would make sure that DP was also on board with that and, if necessary, out of the way when friend/child comes round - at least until they get out of this silly habit.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/04/2018 17:31

I wanted to say almost exactly everything AnneLoves said....

I also think you and your DP sound like lovely people, and you obviously give off a vibe or something that your friends are picking up on and want a piece of. (Sorry, that sentence was ugly, but hope you understand my meaning).

Also like AnneLoves, I think friend B is easier to deal with. You tell her straight that DP isn't qualified to deal and she needs to seek help and support. I'd recommend a parenting course and support from school (school can probably direct her to parenting course as well, and these are usually free). But that's what she needs to do.

Friend A is harder, I think. Partly because the child is younger. I agree with you, FlyBy that you're best off meeting her on her own or when your DP is out for a while.

Good luck, and keep being lovely!

thethoughtfox · 07/04/2018 17:32

Tell them bluntly: it is upsetting and confusing for your child and cannot continue. However, your husband is happy to be a friend of the family. They are putting their child's need first; you need to do it for your son.

HolyMountain · 07/04/2018 17:33

Your dp will never fill the gap in in your friends children's lives and neither should he.

If it means ending the friendship I would.

Birdsgottafly · 07/04/2018 17:34

Sounds like he needs a weekly sport, or Duke of Edinburgh type activity. There are young male counseling charities that include activities.

As for the little girl, whilst the Mum shouldn't be encouraging it, I can understand it.

My youngest DD would do similar whilst my DH was seriously ill and after his death. That's a tough one, but you should speak to the Mother privately and make it clear that it isn't good for her DD to do this.

A school Mum was killed in a car crash and her toddler DS would just want permanent cuddles from other Mums, it was really sad.

mommy2018 · 07/04/2018 17:35

The 2nd one I could kind of see a point and wouldn't mind at all (I assume that ur dp is the only positive male around the teenager?)

The first 1 though, I would not be happy about and have similar, although it morphed into something much more nasty. This woman is no friend, hinting at her dd needing a man in her life and telling your ds that he has to share his daddy? Is putting it on thick when he tries to distance himself? Hun, she wants your man!! In some deluded fantasy he's going to be a daddy to both ur ds and her dd and they will have to share him. Tell her to high on and get her own decent man

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:39

I don't think she's after DP himself! Is she???? I don't pick up on those sort of signals tbh. DP had to practically put it on a banner outside my window before I twigged that he was interested in me. I hadn't thought of it like that at all.

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