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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about friends wanting DP to play daddy to their DC?

131 replies

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:03

I was for several years a single mum with an absolutely worse than useless XP, before meeting my DP who I've been with for nearly 10 years. We have a 6yr old DS with ASD and I have a 16 yr old DD from a previous relationship. DP is rather lovely (well I would think so wouldn't I!) and a good, gentle, very involved father to both DC despite having had a really shitty start in life himself, and having depression that has made life seem very dark to him at times (currently well controlled with medication and self help such as running).

So that's my backstory. My AIBU is about a couple of my friends (who don't know each other) who have both decided that DP is some sort of super dad (he's not, he's just a normal person doing his best!).

Friend A has a 4 yr old DD who is besotted with DP, in fact with almost any man that she comes into contact with. Her XP hasnt been seen since before her DD was born but she keeps jumping into relationships as she really wants a father figure for her. When they come over her DD is almost possessive over DP, sitting on his knee, trying to clamber on him, holding his hand etc and when DP tries to gently break her away from him the mum starts laying it on really thick about how much her DD needs a daddy figure and how much she loves men and needs to interact with them (yes really, those words). DS notices it and sometimes comments on it (Apsie lack of tact!) to which he is told by my friend that he should "share his daddy as [DD] hasn't got a daddy". DP has started hiding or being out when they come over but my friend keeps asking where he is and saying how much her DD wants to see him etc. Also DS quite often needs both of us there so if we are meeting out and about we do both need to go!

Friend B is also a single mum with an ex in prison and has a 15 yr old boy who is starting to be very challenging. She keeps on asking me if DP will "do some dad stuff" with him. DP has once or twice taken him out for the day but she is being really pushy about wanting a weekly arrangement and again laying it on thick about how worried she is that he will get into drugs or petty crime. I keep telling her to ask DP herself but she keeps saying she'd feel awkward and wanting me to persuade him!

DP is more than happy to hang out with both friends and their DC when we happen to meet up or have them to visit but we are both feeling a bit uncomfortable with the repeated expectation that he should be fulfilling father roles in their DC lives. Both are lovely friends and I don't want to upset them by being blunt or unsympathetic but the fact is that DP has his own children to be a father to and can't solve everyones problems! Any tips for tactful ways to try and stop this? (I also have Aspergers so communication isn't always very easy for me, which probably doesn't help here!)

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 21:13

But I guess the hard bit is that yeah, DP could probably be a massive help to both if the DC concerned. But the cost to our family isn't ok to us! But somehow we feel bad about it Confused like we're holding back when we could help some one else. I feel like maybe I'm being selfish saying no we need him more!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 07/04/2018 21:15

Id handle them differently.

Friend B I'd simply say that DH doesn't have the time to commit to a weekly activity/time with her DC and suggest DOE, cadets etc. then carry on with your usual meet ups unless she tries to persist.

Friend A I would see her without the DC and your DH. She sounds less level headed and more of a drama queen. If she asks about all meeting up together, then if you are ok with it, mention how you are struggling with holding everything together right now and that this is what works best for all of you right now.

LeighaJ · 07/04/2018 21:17

FlyByNightSky

It's in no way okay for your friend to tell your son he should share his Daddy because her daughter doesn't have one. It reeks of emotional blackmail and of a child nonetheless.

Some Mom's have to be Mom and Dad all in one, depending on other men as crutches or desperately seeking a Dad won't help and can endanger the child instead. Is it fair? No, but life isn't fair.

It's not fair for them to try and force and guilt your partner into playing Dad. If they keep it up and sounds like they will you need to tell them simply that while he likes their children, he doesn't have the extra time to try and fulfill a father role for additional children nor would it be fair to his own children to do so.

bimbobaggins · 07/04/2018 21:22

Your having an argument with yourself fly , your dh doesn’t want to do it and neither do you want him to do it.
You are allowed to think like that without feeling bad or guilty. I would tell them both straight and then shut them down if they mention it again.
My ds dad died last year and there’s no way on earth I would even suggest or expect anyone else to be a father figure to him.

Springtrolls · 07/04/2018 21:24

So neither of these have any male relatives? No fathers, grand fathers, uncles, brothers, male cousins?
These are the people they should be asking to be the male role models. Not trying to force a relationship between your dp and
Their children.

Gemini69 · 07/04/2018 21:33

WTAF OP.. you say NO.. he's not a surrogate Father to your friends kids FFS

grow a PAIR the BOTH of you

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 21:37

No I know. You're right, you're all right.

I don't want to cut them out or lose them though. I honestly don't think they're after DP himself. Just struggling and grasping at anything they perceive as a possible lifeline.

I will absolutely be taking all this on board and distancing myself for a while. Meeting up minus DC and trying to set some boundaries.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/04/2018 21:44

Fly, this is a non-issue. It is not your job or function in life to sort these women's problems with not having a father figure in their children's lives. Just not. You do not need to figure out alternatives, work out a compromise by which they share your child's father (who doesn't want the role, either), put up with their demands or entertain them when they clearly see you as just a means to get their hands on your DP. They are cheeky fuckers to do this, not friends. There is nothing lovely about an adult who tells a 6-year-old he has to share his father with some random he is in no way related to and has no obligation to.

If you are not in a position to tell them to STOP all of it, or meet them only without their kids or your DP around, then your best course is to stop meeting them at all, because they are 100% wrong to behave in the way they have or treat you or your DP in this way.

PopcornDawn · 07/04/2018 21:45

OP
You've said that friend A keeps jumping into relationships as she really wants a father figure for her dc.

This screams red flags to me. I'd put money on it that your so called friend A has future designs on getting in a relationship with your husband and is using this stupid excuse to start the wheels in motion.
Be VERY wary of her.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2018 21:52

Yes, definitely stop meeting them with your DP or kids. And practise working on boundaries. My DS has Asperger's and we work together, role-playing so he can learn how to communicate more comfortably. We say stuff in front of the mirror, even.

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 21:57

I really don't think Friend A is after DP. Apart from anything else she only picks arseholes Wink

OP posts:
curious86 · 07/04/2018 22:17

Your friends could be putting struggles in your relationship.
I honestly think you need to be honest with them and tell them he can't be there for them as he has other priorities and there not his DCs.

It must be an awful situation and they are your friends so I understand you want to help them but you have to put you and your family first

PopcornDawn · 07/04/2018 22:26

I really don't think friend A is after DP. Apart from anything else she only picks arseholes

She clearly didn't get anywhere with these arseholes, so she may concentrate her attention on a decent man for once ..... yours. Sorry to say but I think you really do need to be mindful of her real intentions.

Chattymummyhere · 07/04/2018 22:42

I Would drop them both tbh. Friend one clearly has your dh lined up as daddy plus more. Friend two just can’t see boundaries. Stick with them to your own peril. You said yourself you didn’t realise dh was into you when he was so it’s not unreasonable to say you wouldn’t notice them being into him.

fabulousfrumpyfeet · 07/04/2018 22:50

I've seen this kind of thing before (not towards my dh who terrifies all but his own children but towards a friends dp), by Mother's with absent or useless partners. I think it cones from their desperation and is understandable, as yes, their kids probably would benefit from being around a decent man, but it's not something you can contrive, and most dads barely get enough time with their own kids.

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 22:50

This is very true.

And now I'm actually thinking hard about it all, I'm remembering when my own DD was small and we were on our own. I would never have made a big deal about daddy this daddy that and told people how much she needed a daddy in front of her because I just got on with it and refused to dwell on his absence. I am careful not to make a big deal of such things to my DC as they generally take their cues from me! So if I'm ramping it up about an issue then it becomes a big deal. And my friend is making it a big deal when her DD would probably give no shits otherwise. It's almost like her DD plays up to it to get her mums approval?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 22:53

I'd be making excuses to stop thrm coming over. "We're going to X"....visiting my mum..his mum...his brother...His sister..the cinema...supermarket.

If they've half a brain they'll soon get the hint.

Nobody except a sibling needs to share their dad.

April229 · 08/04/2018 06:04

I think I can understand your friends really wanting what you have for your children, it they are asking too much.

I’d suggest friend B hooks up with a mentoring scheme there are many where people volunteer to mentor teens who don’t have. A father figure, but say you dp isn’t able to volunteer at this time.

I’d say to both something about some of the struggles you mentioned not too much detail but enough to know that not everything is as easy as it can sometimes look.. friend A could really do with a permanent male figure for her dd - there may well be troubling things to come if her dd takes this approach to every man she comes across. Does she has no one else, brother ex’s family?

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 08/04/2018 08:05

Friend A genuinely has no family involved - parents abroad and NC with sister. She tends to have big blow ups with the partners so they are almost always completely off the scene when they split. She does have the most recent ex around and still sees him once a week or so but I get the feeling he isn't very happy with the dad related expectations that she still has of him! I know they've argues recently because she accused him of damaging her DD by trying to make a clean break from them. God she sounds worse and worse when I see what I'm writing!

Friend B I've suggested mentor schemes to already. She thinks DP would be a better bet due to his own personal expereince. She's probably right to be fair. But that's the mindset I have to break out of! It's not our problem to solve . I just always end up feeling somehow selfish about it, because they approach me not DP directly and I end up feeling guilty almost. I know I must sound wet and ridiculous.

OP posts:
MismatchedStripySocks · 08/04/2018 08:23

You need to move away from them. The first one in particular sounds like she has an eye on your DP. Not suggesting he will reciprocate but could get ugly if she makes a move.

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 08/04/2018 09:05

I'm sending Friend A this message:

"Hiya, didn't think it appropriate to say in front of the kids but we'd really appreciate it if you didn't say things about "sharing daddy" again. It makes us a bit uncomfortable tbh and it's confusing for both the kids! You might find that [DD] isn't as bothered as you think if you just stop mentioning her missing a father, I know that's what worked when me and [my DD] were on our own."

Sound good?

OP posts:
Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 09:10

fly yeah that’s a great message if you want to fall out with her ...

Can you really just meet up for a coffee with out kids and just start talking about the subject and let it flow naturally about how you feel.

I would find that message really hostile and I wouldn’t take greatly to ... ‘if you stop talking about...’ as your telling her what to do with her own child. I think you can deal with this with our falling out

Pimmsypimms · 08/04/2018 09:31

Yes I think it sounds hostile too and quite patronising, like you’re telling her how to parent.
I wouldn’t message but I would leave it and deal with it if/when it happens again. Agree with pp about distancing yourself though, from A in particular, or meet up without kids for a while.

AjasLipstick · 08/04/2018 09:34

I think that sort of thing is best said in person OP. but I see nothing wrong with being clear.

Petalflowers · 08/04/2018 10:16

I think,the first couple of sentences are fine. i don’t Like the sentance, “you might find...”,although I can appreciate where you are coming from.

Maybe add “

It’s a bit confusing for the kids... as he isn’t ‘freind’s Daddy.

Then maybe arrange a coffee meet-up away from the house. Ie. Park, coffee shop, soft play area etc so you start doing things without dh being there.( Ie. You still want to be friends, but,putting boundaries in place).