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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about friends wanting DP to play daddy to their DC?

131 replies

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:03

I was for several years a single mum with an absolutely worse than useless XP, before meeting my DP who I've been with for nearly 10 years. We have a 6yr old DS with ASD and I have a 16 yr old DD from a previous relationship. DP is rather lovely (well I would think so wouldn't I!) and a good, gentle, very involved father to both DC despite having had a really shitty start in life himself, and having depression that has made life seem very dark to him at times (currently well controlled with medication and self help such as running).

So that's my backstory. My AIBU is about a couple of my friends (who don't know each other) who have both decided that DP is some sort of super dad (he's not, he's just a normal person doing his best!).

Friend A has a 4 yr old DD who is besotted with DP, in fact with almost any man that she comes into contact with. Her XP hasnt been seen since before her DD was born but she keeps jumping into relationships as she really wants a father figure for her. When they come over her DD is almost possessive over DP, sitting on his knee, trying to clamber on him, holding his hand etc and when DP tries to gently break her away from him the mum starts laying it on really thick about how much her DD needs a daddy figure and how much she loves men and needs to interact with them (yes really, those words). DS notices it and sometimes comments on it (Apsie lack of tact!) to which he is told by my friend that he should "share his daddy as [DD] hasn't got a daddy". DP has started hiding or being out when they come over but my friend keeps asking where he is and saying how much her DD wants to see him etc. Also DS quite often needs both of us there so if we are meeting out and about we do both need to go!

Friend B is also a single mum with an ex in prison and has a 15 yr old boy who is starting to be very challenging. She keeps on asking me if DP will "do some dad stuff" with him. DP has once or twice taken him out for the day but she is being really pushy about wanting a weekly arrangement and again laying it on thick about how worried she is that he will get into drugs or petty crime. I keep telling her to ask DP herself but she keeps saying she'd feel awkward and wanting me to persuade him!

DP is more than happy to hang out with both friends and their DC when we happen to meet up or have them to visit but we are both feeling a bit uncomfortable with the repeated expectation that he should be fulfilling father roles in their DC lives. Both are lovely friends and I don't want to upset them by being blunt or unsympathetic but the fact is that DP has his own children to be a father to and can't solve everyones problems! Any tips for tactful ways to try and stop this? (I also have Aspergers so communication isn't always very easy for me, which probably doesn't help here!)

OP posts:

Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/04/2018 17:40

He shouldn’t feel like he has to be a father figure however it’s pretty normal and perfectly acceptable for kids to be drawn to child friendly adults. Some adults and children have positive strong relationships despite not being related and that’s great

Pengggwn · 07/04/2018 17:42

What they are doing isn't okay, OP. It's putting unfair pressure on your DP. I would distance myself from the friends.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/04/2018 17:46

This whole thing has all sorts of wrong written all over it.

I'd be giving them both a wide berth. None of this sounds healthy; it's one thing for your DP to be kind and respectful to your friends and their children but quite another thing to be 'daddy-in-chief' to their children.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 17:46

It’s so bizarre, and from not one but two of them!

I would tell Friend A that ds neither wants to nor needs to share his daddy.

And as for Friend B, I agree with saying that if she needs extra support, she should get it through the school.

GrannyGrissle · 07/04/2018 17:46

Rent him out. 'Yes CF DF, his day rate is £× amount?'

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:48

Labradoodle I do agree and my own DC have some very strong and positive relationships with people who aren't related to us. My closest oldest friend is in a same sex relationship and won't be having their own DC - my older DD was their bridesmaid, she stays there at least once a month for a break from DS and a chance to have a wine spritzer with a civilised evening dinner etc. But this has grown organically over her life! I've never applied any pressure, it's just happened that way and my friend invites her round and everyone is happy. Now I'm worried I sound like a hypocrite

OP posts:

RavenclawRealist · 07/04/2018 17:48

If you want to keep them as friends you need to be honest! Tell friend one that Ds doesn’t have to share his daddy and you don’t want him thinking otherwise! Be honest! Same goes for friend 2 sorry dp just doesn’t have the time for that kind of commitment! If they listen they are friends worth having if they don’t I suggest you distance yourself!

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:49

Rent him out We could do with the money tbh!!

OP posts:

dementedma · 07/04/2018 17:50

suggest Cadets for the young teen. Excellent role models for youngsters and some discipline and support.

bimbobaggins · 07/04/2018 17:50

You don’t need to feel awkward or anything, don’t beat about the bush and tell both of your cf friends that no your dh won’t be a daddy or father figure to either of their children. I don’t understand why you just wouldn’t nip this in the bud instead of telling her to ask him himself!

Gemini69 · 07/04/2018 17:52

tell them to GTF... this is beyond weird..

are they hoping to move into his bed too. to thank him for playing Daddy....

Nousernameforme · 07/04/2018 17:53

You could suggest some man/boy centered activities as mentioned upthread army cadets etc for the 15 year old.

The 4 year old though am stumped I think you are just going to have to distance yourselves for a while

Piffle11 · 07/04/2018 17:54

Your DS needs his DF: your friends' DC are not your or your DP's responsibility. It's lovely that he wants to help, but I think he is making a rod for his own back, so to speak. The more he does, the more they will expect. Friend B: are there no sports clubs she can find for her DS to meet men that he can look up to? I just think it's a bit cheeky of her to want your DP to take her DS out when he should probably be doing things with you and your DS. And the bit about friend A telling DS he has to share his DF: no, he doesn't - not with her DD. He is NOT this girl's father, and I don't think he should be a father figure either. I just think that the loser here is going to be your DS - theses women are taking up DP's precious time with their problems. How long is this situation going to last, too? What if both friends never find someone? Is your DP going to be getting phonecalls in the middle of the night to go and talk to Friend B's son who has gone on a bender? If you really can't face telling them 'no', then I think you need to distance yourself from them. Seriously, put your DS first.

Dancingleopard · 07/04/2018 17:55

I think this is going to be awkward what ever way you deal with.

I’d just distance myself from both of them

turnipfarmers · 07/04/2018 17:57

Friend B really needs to find some alternative activity where her son has good male role models. My DS has done sports clubs for a while with great male coaches who provide him with a good role model, that's what your friend needs to find.

Hygge · 07/04/2018 17:58

It sounds a bit weird.

What does your DH say when he hears some woman telling his son that he is to be shared with her daughter?

Can you not say to friend A that your DS is finding this difficult to understand and doesn't like it, and that you want her to stop making those comments for that reason.

If she pushes it, I'd back off from the friendship. She's making your DH and your son uncomfortable in their own home, and making it difficult for you to meet up with her as a family. She needs to know that she has to stop this.

With Friend B, I'd say what you've said here. Your DH has his own children and his own family and a weekly arrangement with just her child is too much. Make it clear you both like her and her son but what she's asking isn't possible.

Piffle11 · 07/04/2018 17:58

Forgot to add - you are both making it very easy for these women not to have to bother trying to make things better for their DC: Friend A can come and have her DD fall all over your DP (making your DS upset/jealous/confused) when she wants 'daddy time', and Friend B doesn't have to bother looking into groups/clubs/cadets etc, because your DP is there for her DS. And TBH she could be a CF just wanting her DS basically watched for a few hours!

WeAllHaveWings · 07/04/2018 18:02

Take it as a massive compliment they want your DP to be a positive male role model for their dc, but knock right on the head any idea he is a father figure, they are two totally different things.

If you dp doesn't want to or have enough free time to spend with your friends children (which is entirely reasonable) then tell them they have to stop asking as they are not only confusing the children, but making you and your dh feel awkward.

Mookie81 · 07/04/2018 18:03

It's about protecting your DP; with his mental health he doesn't need the additional pressure from these people.
Be kind but firm.

Idontdowindows · 07/04/2018 18:06

to which he is told by my friend that he should "share his daddy

That is where I would have nipped it right in the bud. Seriously. Where does she get the everloving gall and entitlement to tell your son that he has to share his father? What the actual fuck? Seriously? Really? How did you let that one go?

Idontdowindows · 07/04/2018 18:08

Sorry, that sounds way more attacking than I mean it, I am absolutely boggled to the core at HER gall, not attacking you for it :)

TheJoyOfSox · 07/04/2018 18:10

Next time either of your friends suggest ‘borrowing’ your DH, just gently point out that you or your dc have plans for doing something with your DH/their DF and then say you realise how lucky you are to have such an incredible DH, but that he is your DH and you don’t think you’re being petty in wanting to spend quality time as a family, then change the subject.

Petalflowers · 07/04/2018 18:12

Wow, weird.

Family A - my first thought was that Mum A fancied DH, and using DD-A to get close to him. This needs nipping in the bud, especially as sad to say, it could get your dh into trouble if anyone complains about it (as inappropriate).

Family 2- less weird, but a weekly commitment is too full on, unless they have a mutual,hobby. Can you encourage them to,look into scouting, or a new hobby. Rock climbing? Basketball? Etc.

Original poster

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 18:13

I don't know how I let it go! I quite often have to think and rethink things people say before being able to make sense of them and decide how I should react. Which makes for some tossing and turning at night haha. And means I don't always manage to react appropriately at the time and then don't quite know how to come back to it when the moment has passed.

OP posts:

FlakyToast · 07/04/2018 18:13

A weekly arrangment with someone else's child?! WHen would he find the time. That's insane.

They're both mad.

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