about friends wanting DP to play daddy to their DC?

[FlyByNightSky]

I was for several years a single mum with an absolutely worse than useless XP, before meeting my DP who I've been with for nearly 10 years. We have a 6yr old DS with ASD and I have a 16 yr old DD from a previous relationship. DP is rather lovely (well I would think so wouldn't I!) and a good, gentle, very involved father to both DC despite having had a really shitty start in life himself, and having depression that has made life seem very dark to him at times (currently well controlled with medication and self help such as running).

So that's my backstory. My AIBU is about a couple of my friends (who don't know each other) who have both decided that DP is some sort of super dad (he's not, he's just a normal person doing his best!).

Friend A has a 4 yr old DD who is besotted with DP, in fact with almost any man that she comes into contact with. Her XP hasnt been seen since before her DD was born but she keeps jumping into relationships as she really wants a father figure for her. When they come over her DD is almost possessive over DP, sitting on his knee, trying to clamber on him, holding his hand etc and when DP tries to gently break her away from him the mum starts laying it on really thick about how much her DD needs a daddy figure and how much she loves men and needs to interact with them (yes really, those words). DS notices it and sometimes comments on it (Apsie lack of tact!) to which he is told by my friend that he should "share his daddy as [DD] hasn't got a daddy". DP has started hiding or being out when they come over but my friend keeps asking where he is and saying how much her DD wants to see him etc. Also DS quite often needs both of us there so if we are meeting out and about we do both need to go!

Friend B is also a single mum with an ex in prison and has a 15 yr old boy who is starting to be very challenging. She keeps on asking me if DP will "do some dad stuff" with him. DP has once or twice taken him out for the day but she is being really pushy about wanting a weekly arrangement and again laying it on thick about how worried she is that he will get into drugs or petty crime. I keep telling her to ask DP herself but she keeps saying she'd feel awkward and wanting me to persuade him!

DP is more than happy to hang out with both friends and their DC when we happen to meet up or have them to visit but we are both feeling a bit uncomfortable with the repeated expectation that he should be fulfilling father roles in their DC lives. Both are lovely friends and I don't want to upset them by being blunt or unsympathetic but the fact is that DP has his own children to be a father to and can't solve everyones problems! Any tips for tactful ways to try and stop this? (I also have Aspergers so communication isn't always very easy for me, which probably doesn't help here!)

Telling a 6yr that he should share his dad??-well, she could fuck right off I think.

Their lack of men/father figures is not your problem to solve-& certainly not your 6yr old sons.

Why do you want to be friends with people who are treating you, your husband & son so badly?

and then don't quite know how to come back to it when the moment has passed.

Next time you see her, say something along the lines of "listen, I didn't want to do this in front of the children, but you do not EVER tell my son he has to share his father again. There will be no arrangement where my husband is playing daddy to your child and you need to start taking control of your daughter when she is with us, or otherwise we will have to arrange to meet elsewhere."

TBH, in your case I would really avoid seeing them with their kids and/or distance myself. They're being very inappropriate. Friend A is way out of line with the 'share your daddy' comment. Why doesn't your partner say anything?! Is he that wet? 'Excuse me, but I'm not your child's father, I really don't feel comfortable with your pushing her on me and I'd appreciate it if you stop.' And Friend B, too. They're cheeky and such people have to REALLY be treated with a lot of bluntness and if you don't have it, then you have to cut them off.

YANBU at all.

My dd has a fb friend who skipped off for a family photo shoot with her new partner after one month of first meeting him. Those kids are going to be so bloody screwed up it's unreal. He's firmly installed as dad, cosy family days out, nursery pick ups. All played out on Facebook to annoy her ex. Some women shouldn't be allowed ownership if a puppy, never mind kids

Your son does not have to share his dad, that's such a weird thing to say!

Both mums are massively overstepping the boundaries of friends. I would feel threatened by this and not want to be around either of them.

The only conversation I'd be having would be the one where I told both of them they were bang out of order and fell out basically.

Exactly expat

Does your dh work? Presumably the 6yo is in school anyway? So your weekend is the only decent time your dh gets to spend with his own kids, and your CF friend wants a weekly arrangement for him to see her 15yo instead?! Get to fuck!! Cheeky bastard. I'd distance yourselves from both CF friends, and reply honestly to requests for sharing dh/daddy "no, any spare time he wants to spend with his own kids" "no ds doesn't have to share his daddy".

I'm the main earner - DP works very part time from home and manages DS care/needs as DS is not at school full time for various reasons.

are your 'friends' going round during the day when you're not there OP ?

Feel for the four year old. If her mother just got on with being a single mum and not introducing dd to rushed into relationships, the little girl wouldn't even notice the lack or feel the need to cling onto a male - the mother is planting the idea in her head, it's her insecurity not the child's.

No they aren't. I'm absolutely certain of that and I trust DP 100%. Friend B works full time for a start! And Friend A lives several miles away, not on a bus route, and has no car.

Your poor 6 year old, being told to ‘share’ his daddy! I would have shown her the door.

These dc are not your responsibility and their respective mothers are behaving very thoughtlessly and selfishly.
The children don't need this,it's not fair on them.
You and your dp have been lovely but in fairness to all concerned you need to either break contact or tell them firmly that your dp will not,under any circumstances,be playing daddy to their dc and will be out when they call round.
It is very wrong.
Good luck OP

My god, I'm a single mum and never in a thousand years would I envisage either scenario in my life.

Shit happens in life. Just get on with it as best you can without interfering in other people's families. Both those requests are just too weird.

Yes OP, you're going to have to put on your big girl pants and tell both of them they are overstepping boundaries... in a friendly way of course.

Think of it as helping them to realise they have to sort it out themselves.
Their choices in life are not your responsibility.

Agree with others that both are out of line and this is really inappropriate. He's not their dad nor is he in their lives in a father figure position and it's wrong to put pressure on him to fulfill that role.Not to mention potentially damaging for their dc if they bond with him and something happens to change that eg a move, a new partner in their mums life.

I hope to god I'm not about to come across like one of those women who thinks other women are always trying to "steal someone's man" because I'm honestly not but I can't help wondering if there's an element of these two being attracted to the idea of him iyswim? That your DP is a really nice, decent man and that sort of shines a light on the uselessness of their dcs fathers? So there's a little element of him as fantasy dad for their dc. I'm not suggesting they're not to be trusted but you can see why there could be a certain attraction there.

Do they have a Big Brother /Big Sister group in your location? They're a fantastic organisation that provide vetted adults who build a relationship with kids. I think it's only for teens but if they are local it would be worth suggesting to the parent of the teen that she contacts them. That might at least get one of them off your back!

Really unreasonable behaviour on both of their parts. You do need to explain that what they're asking for is not possible given the needs of your own family.

Right, so even if you went along with their demands, where does it end? Will they be expecting his attendance at Christmas, birthdays, holidays abroad? And as he’s now ‘Daddy’ figure he should be stumping up gifts, paying for days out, no?

Male role models are present in school, youth clubs and extra curricular activities. They could/should be exploring these options.

You sure they're not after your partner also?! I'd get rid of them both or you may well find yourself single again soon.

You'd have to hope not thatwouldbe! They probably wouldn't in all fairness though thinking about it I'd be more concerned that there might be an expectation of his emotional involvement outside of actual time spent with them.

I mean if the lines are allowed to become blurred would they see it as ok to ring him up of an evening because they're worried DS seems to be falling in with the wrong crowd. Or to ask did he think dd was a bit quiet, had something on her mind? The type of conversation parents have with each other about their own dc.

If I'm honest,something smells fishy with friend A,and I'd distance myself from her.

Friend B I understand a bit more,her son is at a tricky age , going out of hand and she might be really worried and desperate. That however is not yours or your DP responsibility. Understanding where she comes from doesn't mean doing whatever she want. Offer ideas and alternatives if you want,your DP can take him out if and when he chooses but only if he really wants to. I'd text her and say "Hello B, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time and I understand your worries. However DP is very busy at the moment and DC is taking quite a lot of our time and attention. I was wondering if -friend's son- might want to try cadets/duke/youth centre/local charity. "

Hey, it’s a hard enough world to navigate as a non aspie, don’t blame yourself for taking a while to figure things out.

I think some posters will shout ‘She’s after your man’ if another woman so much as says hello. I really wouldn’t worry about that aspect of it.

Friend A’s DD sounds like one of my god daughters with my ex. She adored him, she was all over him like a rash and no one else could get a look in. She had a Dad, but he (is a twat) clearly favoured their eldest & the youngest was a Mummy’s boy (past tense simply because they’re adults now). My Ex really filled an empty space in her life and gave her the safe male adult role model/attention/love she needed. She still speaks fondly of him. The problem you have is this is upsetting your DS...and he has to come first. If he’s happier being by himself when they visit then I’d let him do that with no pressure to join in. I would say to your friend that she mustn’t tell DS he has to share his Daddy because it upsets him and that if he wants to play by himself then that’s what will happen. I think the the little girl will benefit enormously from your DH, so I’d just say to DH to do whatever he’s comfortable with, but if he wants to make an excuse to go out or whatever then that’s ok too.

Friend B. I’m sure her DS would benefit from time with your DH. Even if he goes to groups and stuff it’s not the same as a family friend. You said your DH goes running, could they run together? I’m flabbergasted at her suggestion of him making weekly plans 😳 but maybe there’s something DH wouldn’t mind doing with him, like running, semi regularly. It wouldn’t need to be for hours & hours.

However, if you want much less involvement, that’s totally understandable too, but you are going to have to say something. If you say something I’d go along the lines of ‘We might look like we’ve got it all together, but actually we are struggling. We love to see you, but we can’t find anymore time to help out because we are barely keeping our heads above water as it is. DS is lovely, but exhausting and as well as sorting him out, we both need to find sometime for ourselves as we are barely coping.

Both friends have a clear problem with understanding boundaries. This spells danger and trouble.

I would start to distance myself and become a bit more unavailable! Seriously!

This is madness. While I'm usually of the opinion it takes a village etc etc this is ridiculous. Most actual parents don't have that much time to spend on their OWN kids.

You need to be clear. Tell her "he's not a bloody key worker, Janice".

I don't know how DP could manage to run with her DS tbh. He goes running first thing while I do breakfast etc but more to the point he goes running for some headspace. DP has spent some 1-1 time with her DS before but it's just not something he can do sustainably on a regular basis. Maybe every now and then if a suitable occasions comes up!