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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about friends wanting DP to play daddy to their DC?

131 replies

FlyByNightSky · 07/04/2018 17:03

I was for several years a single mum with an absolutely worse than useless XP, before meeting my DP who I've been with for nearly 10 years. We have a 6yr old DS with ASD and I have a 16 yr old DD from a previous relationship. DP is rather lovely (well I would think so wouldn't I!) and a good, gentle, very involved father to both DC despite having had a really shitty start in life himself, and having depression that has made life seem very dark to him at times (currently well controlled with medication and self help such as running).

So that's my backstory. My AIBU is about a couple of my friends (who don't know each other) who have both decided that DP is some sort of super dad (he's not, he's just a normal person doing his best!).

Friend A has a 4 yr old DD who is besotted with DP, in fact with almost any man that she comes into contact with. Her XP hasnt been seen since before her DD was born but she keeps jumping into relationships as she really wants a father figure for her. When they come over her DD is almost possessive over DP, sitting on his knee, trying to clamber on him, holding his hand etc and when DP tries to gently break her away from him the mum starts laying it on really thick about how much her DD needs a daddy figure and how much she loves men and needs to interact with them (yes really, those words). DS notices it and sometimes comments on it (Apsie lack of tact!) to which he is told by my friend that he should "share his daddy as [DD] hasn't got a daddy". DP has started hiding or being out when they come over but my friend keeps asking where he is and saying how much her DD wants to see him etc. Also DS quite often needs both of us there so if we are meeting out and about we do both need to go!

Friend B is also a single mum with an ex in prison and has a 15 yr old boy who is starting to be very challenging. She keeps on asking me if DP will "do some dad stuff" with him. DP has once or twice taken him out for the day but she is being really pushy about wanting a weekly arrangement and again laying it on thick about how worried she is that he will get into drugs or petty crime. I keep telling her to ask DP herself but she keeps saying she'd feel awkward and wanting me to persuade him!

DP is more than happy to hang out with both friends and their DC when we happen to meet up or have them to visit but we are both feeling a bit uncomfortable with the repeated expectation that he should be fulfilling father roles in their DC lives. Both are lovely friends and I don't want to upset them by being blunt or unsympathetic but the fact is that DP has his own children to be a father to and can't solve everyones problems! Any tips for tactful ways to try and stop this? (I also have Aspergers so communication isn't always very easy for me, which probably doesn't help here!)

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 08/04/2018 11:14

I'd stop the message after confusing for the kids

MsJolly · 08/04/2018 16:38

I would also talk about it in person rather than text if you want to stay friends.

user1474652148 · 08/04/2018 16:47

I wouldn’t be having long talks about this I would simply distance myself entirely.
This is not fair to anyone.
Certainly friend A I would call it a day, that level of CF would not be welcome in my life.
Friend B is different, with her I would just directly say no weekly arrangements and speak to the school about a mentor. Your do could be potentially putting himself at risk being involved with this teen. It is not appropriate in my view.

I can’t believe anyone would be so pushy and rude, what a nightmare.

Scale back and disappear - if you really must resurface for summer drinks adults only.

user1474652148 · 08/04/2018 16:47

Dp

Dontwantanicknamethanks · 08/04/2018 18:04

Don't send that message. Meet up with her without children and no doubt she will raise it in which case you can deal with it. You could say it makes ur dp uncomfortable for her to accept it's not going to happen. Btw I think her behaviour could create some safeguarding issues for her little girl in the future.

Grobagsforever · 08/04/2018 18:28

My DH died when DD1 was three and DD2 not born. I am mortified when they over step the mark with my male friends in terms of treating them a pseudo dad. Luckily my friends usually handle it very well.

Your friends are being ridiculous. Kids do not need dads to turn out just fine. I cannot imagine being so weird and needy. I make sure my girls have complete confidence in my ability to raise them alone, so they feel safe and secure in our family unit.

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 08/04/2018 18:33

See this is what I mean about me and communication! I thought that message was fine Blush

I didn't send it. I'll just keep a distance for the time being.

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 08/04/2018 18:41

You are not BU. Distance yourself from these friends or see them without your DP being around. Do not include him with these friends. If they ask where he is, he has a new hobby or job...they are being way way too intrusive

Gemini69 · 08/04/2018 18:41

your message was fine.. it was the ending.. a previous poster nailed where you should have ended the text.. bringing up the other kids lack of Father merely gives her ammunition to attack you... keep it simple and to the point Flowers

distancing yourself is just as good... although next time a comment like that rears it's head.. STAMP on it lady Grin

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/04/2018 02:05

You are so lovely, OP.

I hope you've picked up that you've got lots of support on here.

Cherrypieface123 · 09/04/2018 03:26

I thought the text was ok.
A sounds distinctly odd, B less so.
I’d also be concerned about A’s child’s quick attachment to new male figures. Over familiarity with adults of the opposite sex can be a sign of abuse (not saying it is in this case, but it was flagged as a sign to me on a Cp course last year).

Coyoacan · 09/04/2018 05:23

I am careful not to make a big deal of such things to my DC as they generally take their cues from me! So if I'm ramping it up about an issue then it becomes a big deal

This is so, so true, OP.

I grew up without my father around and never felt the need for a father figure.

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 09/04/2018 09:42

I only added that last bit because she constantly asks how I managed before meeting DP, she says all the time that I must know how her and her DD feel etc etc. It's something she brings up a lot. Funnily enough whilst I love DP and wouldn't be without him, I rather enjoyed those years on our own and there are things I miss about being single! I think she has very rose tinted glasses about this dream of a perfect family she can't let go of.

OP posts:
MadMags · 09/04/2018 09:58

I had a feeling, but didn't want to say in case it sounded like I agreed with her (!) that her angle would be "well, he took on your DD".

I know that's batshit but she does sound like the type that would spout that shite so be prepared!

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 09/04/2018 10:04

I do think she thinks a bit like that. How come I've managed to find a man who will "take on" my DD and meet his responsibilities when she tries so hard and keeps getting let down. But I think she's looking in all the wrong places. She goes on bloody Tinder and chats random men up in the pub and stuff like that. I know it sounds awful of me to say it but she comes across as rather desperate and that attracts all the wrong men! I really think if she just forgot about men and daddies for a bit and tried to build a fulfilling life that didn't revolve round their absence, it would be so good for her. But even I know that sounds judgemental and unkind and patronising! Hence me trying to be gentle and mention it in my clearly rubbish attempt at a message.

OP posts:
MadMags · 09/04/2018 10:08

The thing is, there really is no talking to some people.

I know men and women who quite literally can't seem to function without a relationship. It's ridiculous and sometimes damaging to their children. Case in point!

But as much as you can answer her questions about it as best you can, you can't actually change or help her. And she doesn't seem to want to listen to reason.

Just be prepared. She could lash out and become nasty. If she does, remember it's because of HER issues, and nothing to do with you! :)

The message was fine. But the last bit just won't translate well through text, I think.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2018 10:12

If it's making you feel uncomfortable then cut down on the visits. I blame the mother of this child for encouraging this. This share his Daddy is very wrong and I'd more or less stop socialising with this person till she sees sense. It must be horrible for your child. The mum sounds nuts tbh.

And second Mum is in a difficult position. But your DH shouldn't be forced into a role he doesn't want. No it's expecting too much from people.

Walkaboutwendy · 09/04/2018 10:44

You sound lovely OP but I have to agree I think she's got her eyes on your DP. The whole sharing him is just so wrong and is damaging all round. I know you don't want to see it and can't believe it but there are loads of women on this site whose best friends as started affairs with their partners. Not saying your DP would at all btw! Just don't leave the house unlocked iyswim.

See her away from your DP and without the kids if possible. If she insists on coming round to your house to see him then you've got your answer.

Tread carefully is my advice.

Northernparent68 · 09/04/2018 11:07

Can’t your DP take your son and the 15 year old out together, for bike rides swims etc, it would benefit both boys

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 09/04/2018 11:34

I think doing this over text message would be inherently difficult, I appreciate what you're saying about your Aspies making this harder OP but speaking as a neuro-typical type I'd not do it via text either. Don't think it's possible really!

Honestly I'd just be blunt but kind. Say your DP isn't in a position to spare time for a weekly arrangement so it cannot happen, and if the daddy sharing thing comes up again say that's not to be said to your child. Be clear about it. If that affects the friendships, that's unfortunate, but remember that the actions of your friends have meant you're no longer in the comfortable friendship situation you were in. That was something that was forced on you. You aren't responsible for it.

Gemini69 · 09/04/2018 11:38

Seriously OP... the more you speak of these friends.. the more I think they want what you have... they would take it from you in a heartbeat...
get both of them out of your lives ..

Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 09/04/2018 12:40

Northernparent68 it's not really that simple, DS needs 100% attention from at least one adult when out. Yes the 15 yr old could tag along but neither boy would be getting the 1-1 time that they need.

In order to give someone else's child some 1-1 time DP would have to either give our own children less, or give up some of his rare and important time to himself when he gets a bit of headspace. Neither of those are acceptable to us as family. I suppose if you look at DPs as any other family resource, ie money for example, then nobody in their right mind would expect it to be shared with them like this! Or apply this sort of emotional pressure. Now I think of it like that then I start to think maybe they are CFs Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyByNightSky · 09/04/2018 12:40

DPs time that should say!

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/04/2018 16:29

Friend A is batshit and I would be nipping that in the bud straight away.

Keep your DP away from her and tell her face to face she is not doing her DD any favours!

bimbobaggins · 09/04/2018 17:16

Fly you don’t have to justify your reasoning to anyone including your friends. Your dp doesn’t want to do it ,end of